Until I Get To You

LIFE AND LOVE INSPIRATIONS FROM WOODY ALLEN'S MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

2011-06-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Don’t you love it when you see a film and it speaks directly to you? Somehow, you see the film right at the exact moment you are searching for some clarity. This is what happened when I saw Woody Allen’s new film Midnight In Paris on Saturday night. Lately, my workload has been a little daunting. It’s not that I necessarily have a lot to do at this present moment but being a writer and producer on multiple projects at different stages has just left me a lil confused and hazy with my focus. I’m not sure what each day requires of me and instead of taking the time to make a plan I just react to what is asked of me. Never a good situation. As though things seem in the right place, I’ve just been left coming home in the evening not sure what to do next. The busier I become the less I give myself the time to think. I know that sounds crazy but as a writer, I need at least two to three hours a day by myself.

After spending the last year and a half in front of my computer moving from café to café, having to show up and work in an office day to day is still a transition I’m having a hard time getting use to. When being quiet and by myself is part of what I need to create, after spending 9 hours in a room with multiple people asking questions and plenty of meetings to attend, a lot of my “create” time has been pushed to the evenings.

Coming home after work and having the space and the option to do more work I have realized is an asset. A realization that is terrifying and comforting. Whoever I ended up with will have to understand how crucial and important alone time is to not only my career but also my sanity. He doesn’t have to be an artist or work in a creative field but he has to understand what I do and how I think, is a little unconventional. You see, sometimes that “work” that I need after my 9 to 5 could be watching a movie, sitting in silence, listening to a specific cd, being on my computer or even going to a particular place and listening to people talk. All of it is damn bizarre but it’s crucial and whomever I end up dating is going to have to understand that. There are some days that I’m actually able to get all my work done during the day and like every other normal person, my evening is for relaxing but those days can’t be scheduled or predicted.

Midnight In Paris, a film about Gil, a successful screenwriter writing the novel he always wanted while visiting Paris with his fiancé, confirmed dating a writer is the job for a remarkable person. Someone able to see beyond the tangible and present. Gil’s fiancé Ines thinks his dream of moving to Paris and writing is crazy and doesn’t make any sense when he is making millions rewriting films and living in Malibu. When he wants to walk the streets at night in the rain, she finds him silly and irrational.

You see, the person who dates a writer has to not only understand our odd antidotes but really truly value art over commerce. Any artist will tell you, even the crazy rich ones, it’s not the money that we are chasing but more importantly validation for our work and creation. And receiving that comes at the cost of wanting and seeking great work. Sometimes the cost of great work is not going out and being social. Sometimes we have to do the opposite of everyone else.

Midnight In Paris reminded me how important it is to listen to your dreams and desires. They were given to you for a reason. At the end of the movie when Gil finally breaks up with his bitchy girlfriend, life immediately falls in place. He is reacquainted with a woman he met at the flea market over a Cole Porter record and she happily walks in the rain with him, the one thing his ex girlfriend refused to do.

Finding the right person is never hard. It’s actually effortless and perfect. Like the commitment to being a writer; you must stay dedicated to being with the right person even when it seems impossible. Because one day, at the right time and the right place, it will all come together so serendipitous, everything before that moment no longer matters.

INFIDELITY AND MARRIAGE - DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHO YOU'RE WITH?

2011-05-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

One of the most heated conversations my friends and I get into has to do with cheating. I don’t believe in most situations, it's a revelation the wife had no idea was coming. Most of the time we saw it coming and chose to ignore it. Not at all do I believe ANYONE, man or woman deserves to be cheated on OR do I believe cheating is ok. I just believe that we as women more often then not choose to ignore the signs that point to our man cheating. Men who sleep with anything and everything when they are single are most likely going to sleep with anything and everything when they are married.

For most women, getting married equals to a life of monogamy. I don’t believe all men assume the same. Unfortunately, saying “ I do” in front of a group of friends and family doesn’t mean a man (or a woman really) is making the decision to sleep with one person for the rest of his life. Therefore when it comes to marriage we not only have to talk to our partners about monogamy we also have to take a logical and rational look at their actions and behaviors that they will inevitably bring into the marriage regardless if we like them or not.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a pig and deserves the criticism and the lost of trust he now has to deal with from his wife and kids. But on the other hand, I don’t believe Arnold all of sudden switched up on Maria and decided one day his housekeeper looked good. I’m not saying she allowed this to happen, I’m just suggesting there was probably a couple of instances that pointed to the probability of him having another child she chose to ignore.

We all should have a close friend we can trust to give us the real when it comes to choosing a life partner. The greatest advantage and fault that comes with love is that it’s an endorphin rush. The life you see ahead of you with the one you love is optimistic, full of love, respect and support. Because we don’t consider the hardships or the rocky moments we all need that friend who is able to give us a logical and rational outlook. I told a friend she had every right to sit me down and tell me everything that I wasn’t looking at in regards to the man I wanted to marry. She was willing to take on the responsibility but she didn’t think anything she had to say or anyone else would matter at that moment. Honestly, she’s probably right.

What I do know is when it comes to marriage, a lot of us women are more interested in the wedding, the parties and the fantasy of finally having a man instead of really considering what it means to be attached to this one person for the rest of our lives. With infidelity being a top reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce it’s just silly to not consider what happens if our partner cheats and how it could affect the relationship.

But that would make too much sense right? And when it comes to love, who wants to think rational?

A WRITER'S LIFE COMES FULL CIRCLE - finding career success in the one place I pushed away

2011-05-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a writer before I was actually able to write. My parents gave me a beat up typewriter to keep me busy when I was a toddler (guess their weren’t any stuff animals around) so therefore my fascination with words began. As much as writing has been apart of my identity for over nearly 30 years, this year my journey has taken me to a place that I never thought I would be, oddly a place that not only makes sense but feels as if I’ve arrived at the one place I was being prepared for.

After years, of pushing away from being a substantial part of my father’s advertising agency, I am working there leading an initiative to develop and produce original content for the web. For years, I saw advertising as a limited structure that didn’t support the stories I wanted to tell the way film and television did. As I writer, I was lucky enough to have a place to work at from time to time but I purposely kept my role there limited, not fully committing to the business. But now with the surge of branded content, product placement, and new media, my love for story telling and innate understanding of marketing have become beneficial to the business more than ever. For the first time, the two disciplines that I understood but saw separately are working together in a new way. Only a year ago, my resume confused people. No one knew what do you do with a resume that included film, television and commercial writing and production. Now my skills are not only beneficial but are seen as extremely unique. Here I am after years of running, I am doing exactly what I set out to do in one place I never thought could make it possible.

Though I have gotten to a place where writing and creating is paying the bills, I am still staying dedicated to working on my own projects. At the end of last year, before I started working at the agency, I decided to write a story that I wanted to tell. I got sick of considering if my idea was marketable, what studios could be interested, and all of the other fallible considerations that I have spent years wondering about as a developed a script. Instead I wrote a simple story exploring the grey areas of love because I wanted to. I decided I would get a group of friends, shoot on a low budget and put it up on the web. But the more that I worked on the project I started to consider that I was playing small. I had made the decision that my project wouldn’t be of interest to anyone else but what if I actually had something special? Something that could change the way people viewed multicultural characters and more importantly challenge the realms of stories worthy of being told? What if I believed I wrote something worthy of gaining the attention of others who didn’t know me and just wanted to be apart of good work? So instead of playing small, I started to play strategic. I found a producing partner I started to create a business plan that included my understanding and relationships in advertising. I reached out beyond just my friends and sent my work to recognizable directing and acting talent. Now less than six months later, I am in a position that I never imagined I could be in having to decide between multiple actors and directors with a strong desire to be apart of my little project. This is after my manager read it and dismissed it, after a writer friend told me that playing “big” on the web was useless. Honestly, for the first time, I didn’t consider what others though and went forward with my idea. And it’s paying off in a huge way.

Right now, creatively I am flowing and it feels great. I writing at the agency, producing my own web project and was only hired as a writer on a documentary project. If that wasn’t enough, I am still developing new ideas and have committed to my writing mentor two new features this year. Recently, I was contacted by a producer to develop a remake of a film that I really like and believe in.

I’m busy. Really busy, but honestly, as much as it all can get overwhelming at times, for the first time in my life I have a strong committed confidence that isn’t worried about how, when, or if – I just do what I need to do. It feels manageable and possible only because I believe it is.

Early last year, when I was training for a half marathon, I noticed my body would fall into a pattern in my long runs. In the first three miles, I hated every step. My knees hurt, my mind would think about every other thing I could be doing. I’d come up with excuses why I shouldn’t’ be running and think about all of the long hard miles ahead of me.

Somewhere around the 5^th or 6th mile, my body would begin to loosen up. I’d be able to actually think about other things without even really recognizing how many miles I had left in the run. Minutes later, I would be around the 8^th or 9^th mile falling into “The Zone”: a deep mental consciousness similar to meditation. I’d forget about the miles behind me, not concerned with the miles ahead. Deeply present and focused with my current stride, while preparing to move harder and faster. The focus was intense, passionate, and unshakeable. I feel like I’m in the exact same place with my writing career, I’m In The Zone- effortlessly committing to the hard work required to achieve my goals without any concern with what happened in the past or worried about what’s going to happen in the future. I’m here. I’m now. Stronger, more equipped and skilled than ever before.

Oddly, my comfort with my career has also influenced ease in my dating life. I’m no longer dating online and have pulled back from the “search”. I think for many the pursuit of dating comes from a place of lack. Especially women, we consider being in a relationship as the beginning of life, the measure of success and advancement. But the truth is, life is happening in every moment and relationships are only PART of the journey. I think the best place to be when it comes to love is a place of balance. You have to be truly happy by yourself but also somehow still open to meeting someone. Being content and single but still open is a hard one for me. Not sure if I am fully there but I am definitely close. Where I am with my writing teaches me that if you put in the hard work and the dedication, God takes care of the details.

Why White Women AND BLACK WOMEN are winning And everything else UPTOWN MAGAZINE refused to mention

2011-04-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently, black women and white women are in some competition. Whoever gets to the alter first is smarter and knows how to play the game. According to the article Why White Women Are Winning Uptown Magazine published last Friday, the reason that I am still single has everything to do with the fact that I don’t behave enough like a white woman. As the author Andrea Michelle sees it, white women look for a husband in college, value marriage more than blacks, and know how to treat their men without attitude or challenge. And all three of those reasons are reasons that white women get married more than black women. What I need to know is when did my love life became a competitive sport and more importantly why?

Of course all three factors were listed purely based on the writers assumptions and not followed by any statistics or factual information. Its true, white women statistically get married more than black women but I’m not sure if we really can name these reasons as why. How bout the history of African Americans in the United States? Education? Poverty? Or the overall fact that Americans as a whole are not getting married and staying married as they use to? Although most of the reasons that Andrea states are comparisons made between African American and White American women for years it’s just thoughtless to list those reasons as solutions to the thousands of black women worried about the probability of finding a partner. When did black women become so monolithic that we all suffer from the same issues? And when seeing others with the same blanket racial prejudices we face become okay?

For black women and white women, making finding a husband a priority at an early age doesn’t guarantee marriage and more importantly a good one. What bothers me the most about this article, (aside from the racist and baseless racial assumptions) is the belief that the act of marriage alone makes one person superior over an other. When I was 23, my Canadian struggling actor boyfriend who I knew no more than 2 months proposed to me. If I married him, I would have been married to a deeply insecure man with anger issues. But according to Andrea, “when it comes to playing for the ultimate title of wife, white women are the All Star MVPs”. So does that mean if I chose being trapped in an abusive marriage with a couple kids would I be idolized on a pedestal as well?

What happened to being in a healthy and productive relationship? Finding someone who loves you and supports you? Placing getting married alone as the ultimate goal in life is damaging to women as a whole and takes us back 50 years ago when women got married simply because they needed someone to take care of them. Our grandmothers and mothers fought for us, regardless of race, to have options in life and marriage is one of them.

I have lived with two white girlfriends. We shared dating horror stories love victories and heartbreaks. We are all still single and none of us see our love life as some racial sporting game. Honestly their love life hasn’t been any “better” than mine. We are all women interested in finding the right person for us and know that search comes with bumps and bruises along the way. Though it’s ignorant to believe race doesn’t affect my love life in Los Angeles, I don’t believe if I studied the behavior of my white counterparts my love life would miraculously change for the better. Sure our struggles as women are different because of our racial experience and culture but our life is our own- so individually identified it’s just crazy to compare.

Andrea Michelle then gives the example of a white friend in college who said “Well, if I don’t find my husband in undergrad I will just go to grad school – that’s what my mom told me”. Andrea Michelle uses this quote to illustrate that white women as a whole are getting married before black women because they are simply planning ahead. The quote is an example of a woman who is interested in getting married more than building a career but unfortunately, there are plenty of black women who feel the same way. We all got black girlfriends and family members who have never been interested in going to college or even getting a job. Gold diggers and women looking for a Mrs. Degree come in all shapes and sizes.

The author then asks “at what point, should pursuing an Mrs. take precedent over building professional success?” This is a great question that all women should ask themselves. But again this question has nothing to do with race, but more importantly has to do with the struggle between career and family that all educated women seem to face. There are plenty of white women that are just like me, pursuing her dreams, living her life to the fullest in hopes of finding the right partner for her along the way. And there have been plenty of black women married with professional careers balancing their job and family. With high divorce rates and less people getting married all over the world, there are plenty of white women struggling to find love in their thirties (Have we forgotten about Sex And The City, Lori Gottlieb, or Jennifer Aniston) and do not see getting married as the answer to all of life’s problems.

There are plenty of black women that are single because they have an attitude, don’t believe in marriage, and come from broken homes and there are white women who are single because they choose the wrong men, stay in abusive relationships and couldn’t flirt themselves out of a getting a parking ticket if they needed to. The point I am making is our issues are our own, and comparing oranges and apples ain’t going to get us closer to figuring them out.

So if I wanted to be like Andrea and write an article based on assumptions from my own life experience, I could argue a completely different reality. When looking at the 12 women that I am close to and hang out with on a regular basis, three of them are white and nine are black. Of the three that are white, none of them are married when six of my nine black girlfriends are. Apparently the relationships that surround me affect my own beliefs when it comes to love and marriage. As far as I’m concerned black women have every opportunity to be married and in successful relationships as white women. My black friends that are married are married because they want to and because they found the right person at the right time in their lives. The truth is we are in control of our lives, not statistics or silly racist assumptions.

So Uptown Magazine, it’s not just white women who are winning - it’s strong women who stay committed to what they want in their lives regardless of the thought and opinions of others. It’s the women who build their own life structure based on their own needs and personal values who are the champions in my eyes. And all women, regardless of the cultural and racial struggles that we all independently face, has the opportunity to do so.

GIVING UP THE CHASE

2011-04-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of dating lately. But in some ways it's been almost more frustrating than those points in my life where my social life was pretty bare. Even with all the dates, I don't think I've encountered the right one for me. So many women (I've been one of them) use the excuse that men in LA are not looking for a relationship or there aren't any good one's out there. Not true at all. Even for the doomed professional black woman that apparently no one wants. I've gone out with multiple attractive, career oriented and respectful men looking for that special someone. But what I'm learning is the issue with dating really isn't about statistics of the population of men and women in one city. It's a personal journey simply wrapped around finding the right person at the right time in your life.

Again, as much as it's comforting to believe it will all work out when it's suppose to, as a recovering control freak it's extremely frustrating to know there really ain't nothing you can do about it. You can't compare your life to others or see your current life as a mirror of your future. You got to live your life dedicated to your own happiness. If it's personal health goals, spiritual growth, career advancement, travel or taking on a new hobby, you have to build your life around what you need to stay happy. One thing that I have learned from my past relationships and from observing the relationships of others is that finding a life partner doesn't all of a sudden take away your burdens. Depressed people without relationships end up being depressed people in relationships. Happiness and progression is really only up to you in all periods of your life.

This morning I read this letter from God posted by Arielle Ford on The Daily Love Blog. Seemed fitting.

Dear One,

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but I say “No.” Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, will you be ready to have the intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with anyone or anything else until you are united with Me. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and start allowing Me to give you the most thrilling plan in existence – one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best. Please, allow Me to bring it to you.

You must keep watching Me expecting the greatest of things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening and learning the things that I will tell you. Just wait. That’s all. Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you have dreamed of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is Perfect Love.

And Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer. Know that I love you utterly. Believe it and be satisfied.

Love,

God

DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

2011-04-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

“The problem is, the only thing I can do with this is send it to B.E.T”

That was my sometime lit manager’s response to my latest project. Of course this comment came after telling me that it was strong and provocative writing piece but because my two lead characters where described as African American, immediately there was only one place in the market for it. For anyone who has watched B.E.T’s original programming would know that my script, the story of a conflicted couple exploring an open marriage, with or without black characters doesn’t fit into the networks line up.

As a black woman growing up in a very multicultural world my life and perspectives are full of various colors and cultures. Because of that, the majority of the work I write often has nothing to do with “being black” but happens to have black characters. BUT according to Hollywood, seeing a black person on screen alienates outside audiences. When Will Smith took the lead in Hitch, determining the race of his love interest was a huge deal. Two black characters would have made it a “black movie”, a white lead would piss people off, therefore a Latina woman (Eva Mendes) became the best of both worlds. Even though Hitch was a commercial success, we haven’t really seen a romantic comedy with an ethnic cast since.

For every argument that race alienates, there is the huge blanketing example that a white cast equals mainstream. Everyone can relate to the lives of white folks but ethnic people make it race specific. So of course two black people in love automatically becomes only culturally relevant to black people so but somehow two white people in love is a movie for everyone. As a teenager I feel in love with Julia Roberts and My Best Friends Wedding. As an adult struggling with heartbreak I identified with Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I wonder how many white people have seen Love Jones and was able to identify with the complications of falling in love?

When are black people or any other race going to be held to the same standards? When is the rest of the world going to see our stories just as relevant, just as important as theirs? Oddly in our “post racial world” interracial relationships are more celebrated then the possible love of two people of the same race. Why does it have to be one or the other?

Faced with this predicament a lot more then I would like to admit, I erase the race description of the my lead characters and the story moves on without any change. But as much as that is the cure to dispel any judgment my script can face when being read, does it really help the situation I face as a black writer? The truth is, the stories that I do write are not racial or cultural specific so taking race out of it is only a formality but why do I feel like I’m taking the easy way out? My good friend, a successful TV writer reminds to “play the game” and another friend a development executive reminds me that wanting to work is different than fighting a cause. I’m not interested in fighting any cause; I’m just a struggling writer who dreamingly believes there is room for the stories that I have to tell. If Nancy Myers can brilliantly write about middle aged women why can’t I write about a black woman in her 30’s struggling to balance love and career?

Of course, the main and most important difference between Nancy Myers and me is a career. I just hope that being uniquely who I am is strong enough to actually build one.

REMEMBRANCE OF LESSONS ALREADY LEARNED

2011-03-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t happy everyday when I was single… why would I expect that when I’m married?”

That’s Scott’s, my lead character in my latest project response when his therapist asks if he’s happily married. Like many writers, my characters’ dialogue is a direct reflection of my own perspectives. But even after having written that dialogue only a couple weeks earlier, it was my friend’s relationship woes that reminded me that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Sure it’s a simple and rational lesson but I think single life often helps us forget that. Somehow the pairing of your life with another becomes the remedy for loneliness and wandering purpose but sometimes with that pairing we trade independence for companionship and silence for complication.

As my friend discussed her own issues I heard hints of anger. She didn’t say it but I can tell part of her complaints of her own relationship were purposeful backlashing to my numerous phone calls about bad dates and aversions to being the third wheel.

“ Sometimes being in a relationship isn’t the answer. Sometimes, it can be the problem”.

As much as she was mad at him, a part of her was mad at me for being single and having the freedom to be unhappy about it.

I got off the phone with the revelation about my own beliefs- Relationships and finding love is only PART of the story. If you took all of the pieces of our lives, the memories of what is good and substantial, our relationships, the goods ones and the bad ones are only part of the picture that makes up our lives.

People fall in love, out of love, fight, struggle, feel complete, become lost, and do it all over again and again. Finding love and being in a relationship is sometimes no different than being single – just a stage of life that we all hope to experience.

That conversation with my girlfriend just reminded me of the crazy expectations we create and make up. Life doesn’t owe us anything other than the experience. That’s it. Our only duty is to make the best of it.

Not that long ago, the option of being single until meeting the “right” person was a luxury for us all. Women got married because that’s what they were supposed to do. They had children because everyone else was doing it. But today we get to explore who we are beyond the titles of wife and mother and still have the option of taking on those titles if and when we want to.

As much as Scott’s dialogue sounds cynical, I see him as the romantic in the marriage. He doesn’t expect anything out of his marriage other than the opportunity to be with the woman he loves for the rest of his life. He chooses her when he’s bored, when sex isn’t great, and when life couldn’t be anymore perfect. He’s not married to an expectation; he’s married to her and only her.

If only the majority of people viewed marriage that way. Less people would do it and more people who actually get it right.

STILL HERE

2011-03-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

This year has been good to me work wise which has made it a lil hard for me to stay consistent with the blog. I'm working on getting better with that. But all in all, I'm still here in love with love and writing daily.

Below is Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life" Video. A good friend sent me this song on a compilation CD a couple years ago and instantly feel in love. Recently, I found the video on you tube and somehow have feel in love with the song 10 times more.

As a writer and creator this video inspires me because sometimes we spend soo much time trying to be "innovative" and "original" when most times its the pure and simple concepts that say it all.

Enjoy.

COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

2011-03-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes. My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined.

Timothy Bloom - Til The End Of Time

2011-02-26T16:19:00.000-08:00

I love this video. The imagery is so simple and so pure. LOVE. That's all it is.

The Ever Changing Mr. Perfect - A Sign Of Maturity Or Settling For The Basics?

2011-02-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.

For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity. These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me. He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter. As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?

As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship. But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?

Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.

During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?

Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?

It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.

There are still a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection.

Why Tracy McMillan Is Right- It's Time To Look In The Mirror

2011-02-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

Tracy McMillan is smart, honest, and on point. On Valentine's Day she wrote an article for The Huffington Post letting every woman know exactly "Why You Are Still Single". She's pointed out what a lot of women are not ready to hear - when we have suffered a string of failed relationships or have gone years without a date, the majority of the time the issue is us, not them. She lists six reasons from being materialistic to being just a plain bitch. What she alludes to but doesn’t mention is we all have our own issues to work through and if we haven’t been able to hold down a relationship when we actually want to, it's time to take a long hard look in the mirror. I wrote a similar post myself last year in August (The Reason You Are Single) pointing out the same sentiment - s0 many of us are so quick to blame our issues on someone else. But what I think many women are having issue with after reading Tracy’s article is the idea that we have to change if we want to be married. And the truth is we do!

The institution of marriage wasn't created for two equal people with careers and full lives to love and cherish each other. It was made so that a man didn't have to take care of his daughters forever. A man would come take her off his hands and she would take care of him and give him a bunch of babies. (Please read, I Don't by Susan Squire) Throughout the years, marriage became about love and through the feminist movement women began to establish our own ideals about marriage, careers and motherhood. Now we make up our own rules but the unfortunate part is that we have expected marriage to change just as much as we have. I think it's just becoming to catch up to us.

All this to say is we have to understand our ideals as single women do not easily translate to what it means to be in a partnership. And the same rules apply to men. Being married and being single require two different mindsets, therefore if you are looking to be married, it's time to do the hard work and figure out why the hell you are still single.

What I do love about Tracy's article that many women who disagree have seem to miss is Tracy admits marriage isn’t the dreamy fantasy that many want to believe. As she points out,

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to".

So many of the things that us career minded independent women refuse to do are the virtues that actually make the idea of marriage work. We are not happy every single day or our single lives, not sure why we expect to be in bliss every single day when it comes to being in a relationship. Some of us don’t need to be married and that is more than ok. These days we are so blessed to have marriage as a choice, not a need. Our lives might end up being more fulfilled if we begin to create them for who we actually are then following the status quo.

For those that want and need to be married, we need to look in the mirror and truly answer, why we still single. For me that answer is much more extensive than the standard “I just haven’t met the right guy”. I‘m just beginning to become the right girl able and willing to meet the right guy. The more that becomes more established everything else becomes much more easier to deal with.

VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS

2011-02-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yay.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. After a couple drinks of sangria, I allowed myself to get caught up in a little unnecessary drama. Some how all the wisdom and maturity acquired over the years flew out the window and I reverted back to my early 20’s when “giving someone a piece of my mind” was the perfect and only way to communicate. But of course we forget what it feels like to wake up the next morning knowing you were an ass. And then of course I decided to schedule a dentist appointment at the crack of dawn. While everyone is looking forward to surprise gestures of love and affection, I’ve allowed some woman to drill in my mouth for an hour. So today, I hate Valentine’s Day.

Once again, I feel left behind. As everyone around me begins to settle into relationships, marriage and babies, I’m still trying to figure out how to keep a relationship going more than one month. This year Valentine’s Day feels like 24 hours created to remind me of everything that I want and don’t have when it comes to love. But then, I can’t help but remember that I actually use to love this day. And that wasn’t too long ago. Valentine’s Day especially in grade school was about celebrating my friends. I took that tradition into high school and even into my 20’s, regardless of whom I was dating, I got a big group together and we celebrated each other and the possibility of love. But now the idea of Valentine’s Day is filled with so much heavy expectation and false meaning that there’s just not any room for fun anymore. So in hopes of getting out of my love hating mood, I made a list of all the great things that come from love that are currently in my life. Just because I’m not in love doesn’t mean that I’m not surrounded by it every single and more importantly love and romance, although currently not present in my life, is far from dead. So in celebration of Saint Valentine I honor the following:

The love between my parents that has lasted over 35 years

The love and joy surrounding my best friend’s pregnancy

The abundance of blessings I have been given through my friendships throughout the years

My brother’s approaching wedding and his new family

And the gorgeous sunshine that Los Angeles is getting in the middle of February.

At the end of the day, in or out of love, I am still one lucky gal.

More Music Obsession

2011-02-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

There's nothing to say...it speaks for itself.

Music Obsession

2011-02-03T14:21:00.000-08:00

I've been finding some really great music lately. Anyone who knows me knows that music is just as important to me as writing. Here's the latest song that just makes me want to dance and smile.

He's Just Not That Into You - Dealing With The End Before The Beginning

2011-02-03T12:58:00.000-08:00

Man, dating is not for the faint at heart. And as you get older it just seems to get a little more difficult staying open to new situations. In the short time of just a month, I have dealt with the fear and anxiety from two different men when facing the possibility of a new relationship. I use to think those that were able to be single and stand strong alone through life as the resilient ones but now it becomes apparent those that are able to walk through the hurt, the fear, and the risk to actually share their life with someone else are the strong ones.

I remember reading He’s Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo in my twenties and feeling like I finally found the answer to all my dating problems. Finally all of the hours spent with my friends trying to figure out what was going through his head could easily be answered with a simple yet extremely expressive phrase. It was liberating and powerful, allowing me to finally have some ownership in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, with maturity, I’ve come to realize, that maybe the end of a relationship is not always that simple.

Men are put at a disadvantage when dealing with emotion. As women we have been allowed ever since we were little girls to be afraid and have someone come and let us know that everything would be okay. Were able to voice disappointment. Cry when things don’t go our way and spend hours on the phone with our girlfriends to talk through whatever is bothering us. Although the process can be compulsive and indulgent we’re given the opportunity to work through our emotions over and over again when men are often required to suck it up and keep it moving. The only problem is so often none of what they are really dealing with gets resolved and just sits there affecting them year after year. And as a woman, when it comes to dating, every so often I interact with a man still unconsciously dealing with what happened way back when. When that happens his inconsistencies and hesitations have much more to do with occurrences and experiences that really have nothing to do with me than the phrase, he’s just not that into you. Sometimes, he is so into you he’s not willing to let go, or so into you he’s scared to even consider being once again in a serious relationship.

These gray areas that arrive when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t mean the finality of some situations can not be explained away with “he’s just not that into you”. After being in an enough failed attempts with men it becomes much easier to separate the grays from the black and whites. But the resolution of personal issues of trust and fear really can’t be resolved through another person. It’s a personal affair no matter how understanding the other person can be. When it comes to men, the choice to deal with personal baggage often has nothing to do with the woman and has everything to do with timing.

As much as He’s Just Not That Into You and He’s So Into You But can be so different, they are so similar in the most important account. In either situation, you got to let him go and be willing to hold out for the person willing to walk down the path beside you regardless of what happened today, yesterday or even what could possibly happen tomorrow.

Married Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring - What Does It REALLY mean?

2011-02-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

The greatest thing about being a writer is the ability to create characters that can literally do anything as long as it’s justified in truth. A mother can suddenly decide to blow up her house as long as you build a strong empathetic reason to why. Currently I’m writing a web series on relationships and my lead character is a loyal husband who not only adores his wife but also has never struggled with the idea of monogamy. Of course he’s fantasized about other women but being with his wife and only her for the rest of his life is a thought he is more than confortable with. When his wife brings up the idea of having an open marriage, he follows her lead with hesitation and caution. But as I began to write scenes with him at a bar getting accustomed to the idea of looking as well as touching, what do I do with that wedding ring? Would a woman welcome advances from a man wearing a wedding ring? Would a man, who isn’t extremely excited about an open marriage but willing to try, be actually ready to take off his wedding ring? And more importantly, does he have to wear a wedding ring at all?

There is a poetic moment in Blue Valentine that continues to haunt me. After Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s characters get into a huge fight at her job that ends with her getting fired and her co workers calling the police, together they get into their car and drive away. Ryan throws his wedding ring out of the window. Almost as the same time, he realizes what he did and jumps out of the car and desperately searching for the ring. Even though she hates him and just got done screaming how much she wants a divorce, she gets out of the car too and searches for the ring with him. Broken and falling out of the love, both are unable to let go of what the ring truly means for them.

In my twenties, I always saw the presence of a wedding ring on a man as the true indication of commitment and fidelity. But now after meeting plenty of men who happily wear their wedding ring and still sleep with as many women as possible, I realize that the ring really isn’t a sign of monogamy. And not necessarily true for the opposite. The absence of a wedding ring doesn’t always equal lack of commitment or adultery.

I remember a conversation I had at a 4^th of July BBQ. A friend of mine who was getting married brought up the fact that her fiancé wasn’t really interested in wearing a ring. My other friend’s boyfriend, who actually works in jewelry, even discussed his dislike of wearing jewelry on his hands. Strangely enough, after talking to other couples at the party I realized some of the men who I believed to be the most faithful and the more committed never wore their wedding ring for several of reasons. And then the clincher- my own father doesn’t wear a wedding ring and hasn’t worn one for years.

So now I wonder, what does the wedding ring mean in the first place? When you are dealing with a piece of jewelry that can come off and on, why does it hold so much power when it comes to reality of a relationship? The symbolism of the wedding ring was originally just supposed to be worn by the woman, to symbolize she was already chosen. The exchange of rings between a man and a woman did not become popular until the 20^th century. The circle, the shape of the ring, is the symbol for eternity but as we know, marriage these days has nothing to do with the idea of forever or propriety.

So now, I consider having the character I created, a loving and loyal husband, to be a man who never wears his ring symbolizing that the true commitment to a marriage is beyond what a man or a woman does with their ring finger. Essentially love is not about what you say, but more about what you do, right?

Check out an interesting article in New York Magazine on The Naked Finger

At 32, I'm Just Now Learning What It Means To Date

2011-01-27T14:06:00.000-08:00

I don’t think I know how to date. Sure, I have essentially been dating in one form or another since my first dance in the six grade but now at 32, I think I am really only truly having my first “dating” experience. For the first time, I am actually going out on numerous dates with a couple people before actually making the decision if I am interested in building a serious relationship with them. Not too revolutionary right? I assume that’s what normal people do but my dating experiences of that past haven’t been normal. They’ve gone a little something like this:

Girl meets boy, girl really likes boy, boy really likes girl, fall in love, make plans to spend the rest of their lives together to only then to crash and burn.

OR they go something like this:

Girl meets boy, girl is bored with boy, and girl gets rid of him.

I’m either head over heels or not at all interested. It’s always been my immediate infatuation with someone as well as their immediate lust for me that was the indicator of something special. But over time I came to realize that chemistry wasn’t necessary a true indication of a good relationship or true match. Sadly, intense chemistry is often about the unconscious search for someone to realize the hurt from past situations. Past boyfriend wasn’t affectionate enough? Next boyfriend ends up not being about to take his hands off of me. Of course after the high dies you realize that you’ve been in love with your idea of your partner then who they are really are. So of course now I am taking the time to get to know someone before making a concrete decision about how I feel about them. But honestly, I’m discovering old habits are hard to break especially when you’ve never experienced the opposite.

As I am taking the time to really get to know someone it’s been hard to determine what makes two people compatible. Now as I purposely date outside of what I always distinguished as my “type” with the intent of breaking the barriers created from past experiences and history. So without being able to pull from my past experiences to understand if he really likes me or if I really like him, I’m having a hard time distinguishing what the hell is going on. Since he hasn’t called me in 24 hours, does he really like me? When you eliminate infatuation and lust, how do you know when two people are really a match? Of course, there are the obvious signs like attraction, similar outlooks on life, and the ability to have fun and talk with one another but when you eliminate the intense need to be around each other or the constant want to rip each other’s clothes off, how do you know if two people are compatible for a love relationship or just a great friendship?

A good friend of mine has always said that no one should get married before the age of 35. In some ways, I’ve always thought that was a little extreme but after really taking the time to determine the difference between what I want and what I need I couldn’t imagine making a sound decision to be with one person for the rest of my life even in my late 20’s. Definitely not a decision that reflected an understanding of the difference between intense chemistry and true love. Or maybe at the end of it all, I just think way too much about these things.

As I continue to date and take things slow hopefully the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves. As time moves forward essentially the right fit will no longer be a question but more of an illustrated fact. Or at least I hope.

CHECK ME OUT IN CLUTCH MAGAZINE TODAY!

2011-01-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I romanticized the idea of falling in love. Flooded with romantic comedies and fairy tales I looked forward to the day when I would look across the room, lock eyes, and know I was experiencing something special and oddly intended. Because of my hopeless romanticism, I never comfortably settled into the idea of online dating. How could a list of preferences and music tastes really determine a true match? Match.com says their members go on 6 million dates a year, and eHarmony guarantees that 236 of their members get married everyday but studies show that we’re still 70% more likely to find our new boo through our friends.

As James Fowler states in his book; Connected, The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, if you have 20 friends and they each have 20 friends, one of those people are likely to be your future spouse. The obvious logical reasoning behind this is that we tend to hang around like-minded people. College educated folk hang with college educated folks. Artists tend to have artist friends. In each little female clique, most friends talk the same, often dress the same, and carry the same morals–similar people coming in different packages. If this is the case, I am led to a more controversial question, if we are more likely to find our potential life partners within our social circles, are we limiting our dating potential by calling ex lover’s off limits?

TO READ THE REST, CLICK HERE

SUCCESS OR LOVE? THE CHOICE MOST WOMEN WILL HAVE TO MAKE

2011-01-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

“There’s no way a high profile fashion editor would move to the middle of Georgia just for a man. You need something to force her to go. No career woman would go just because she fell in love”.

That was my good friend and mentor pointing out the main flaw in the treatment for my latest script. It’s a romantic comedy about a woman who struggles between falling in love and staying afloat in her dream career. According to him, a woman with a great job and social life in a metropolitan city would never abandon it all just because she fell in love. When it comes to building story and strong characters, he’s right. You want to have your character make active decisions, not just wander through life with ease. She can’t just go because she wants to. The decision has to be a hard one, and she has to be forced to make it. Note taken. But if the question is about the validity of her choice, I disagree. I know plenty of career driven women who have the job, the money and the fabulous place just waiting to find the one man who can make all the material things less appealing.

When it comes to love, the career driven woman isn’t too different from the woman whose main agenda is finding a husband. Regardless of personal histories we all started off with dolls and movies conjuring up the fantasy of prince charming. Our lives all played out in different ways, raised by different parents with different values but we are all given the belief that being taken care of by a man is not only the ultimate goal but a true sign of affection. It might not be our personal belief but we still struggle with it. Can you have it all, should you have it all, and what is more fulfilling? For most women, the idea of being financially secure is not because you don’t want to rely on someone else but more about not believing you can.

I see myself as a career driven woman. I’m far from a corporate chick but my career goals have always lead my life. I’ve never subscribed to the ideal of finding someone who can take care of me. Having parents that got together when they were young and a mother who has always worked colored my perspective of finding the person I can build my life with. But along with my career goals, I have the goal of finding a partner and one day becoming a mother of my own. So if I had to make the decision between an extremely lucrative and prolific writing career while being alone versus being with the man of my dreams and having a family, I am not sure if being alone would win. Of course my goal would be to have it all.

I have to say, I think all of my six figure girlfriends would leave their jobs in a heartbeat and move to the rural south. Especially if money wasn’t an option. I think most women are really looking for the opportunity to give it all up. It’s not that career trumps love, it’s that love hasn’t shown up yet to be more valuable.

I think the conversation has made me realize how much criticism women with strong career goals face. People see her differently when all women are looking for their own version of love. I think my friend’s disapproval comes from his experience. As far as he is concerned no one should have to leave their career for love. Unfortunately women have to face this decision more often than not.

PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

2011-01-11T13:42:00.000-08:00

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now. She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is. Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search? If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs. “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them. I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time.

SYNCHRONICITY - Being At The Right Place At The Right Time

2011-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

Synchronicity- the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner.

When a tumultuous relationship ended, I made a promise to myself that before the next man was given full access to my life, I was going to be positive that he deserved every once of it. I dived into my work, focused on my health, and allowed my dating life to figure itself out.

For months, it was purposely all about me. Many friends thought I was odd and maybe a little harsh but then one night when I wasn’t looking, things changed. I went to one of my usual bars with my best friend when a drunken woman literally grabbed me out of the crowd and yelled “Oh my god, You’d be perfect for my friend!” I looked to the side of her expecting to find some equally drunk man but a short blond girl stood there instead. Sensing my annoyance and confusion, she told me the friend in question wasn’t there but I would “love” him anyway. Again, this woman didn’t know my name or even if I was single but the confidence she sipped on gave her miraculous insight into my love life. She gave me her email address and told me if I were interested she would set it up.

I remember going home actually really mad. I felt like this is exactly why I have no interest in dating. Of course I would be the one to get approached by a drunken women trying to set me up with their obviously helpless and extremely needy best friend. But later that night, I couldn’t sleep and actually emailed her. In my head, I already knew exactly what was going to happen, he was going to be nothing like someone I would be interested in but the experience could give me something to write about.

I remember the day of the blind date; I passed his picture to all of my co-workers in desperate need of finding someone to agree with me, he looked like we would have nothing in common and I should just cancel. But … I couldn’t find one person. All agreed he was actually good looking and I had no idea what could happen next. And unfortunately… every one was right but me. We actually hit it off and later that night I sat in my bed in a daze … I had just met someone special.

Immediately after meeting each other were seeing each other almost every day. There was not only an instant connection but more importantly an instinctive comfort level that made getting to know each other effortless. Later, when a good friend of his came into town, we learned that our connection was oddly even deeper. Not only had my new boyfriend’s aunt once worked for my father but during that time when I was a 10 years old, I had become close with his cousin and had tons of pictures of the two of us as kids. His aunt used to pick him up after school and actually take him to my father’s office. As his aunt tells it, we met numerous times as children and she has pictures of the two of us at birthday parties. As our relationship progressed we discovered more odd connections of our past with other family members and friends. Here we were, connected for years but brought together by what we assumed was an indiscretion of a drunken friend.

After a year, the relationship feel apart and we moved on. Every once in awhile when I am unsure about where I am going and when will what I currently going through finally make sense, I look back at this relationship and remind myself, things always work out as they are suppose to. It’s obvious for more ways than one that we were both meant to experience that relationship. Not only did I grow tremendously but I can pinpoint other hardships and periods of growth that led me to that specific experience. When I think of the string of random moments that lead to me that one place and time, I remind myself, even without the answers, everything in my life is evolving exactly the way it is intended.

Although extremely cliché, I believe love is not a destination but a journey (I know, how cheesy can I get). I think in life we get so caught up in the notion of that “one fine day” when life will all come together but I’m not sure if that moment exists. I think we have many moments. Many reminders that we are on the right path. Many soul mates that enter our lives, push us to be greater and leave footprints on our hearts. Love, good and bad, is truly about the exploration of who we are and who we shall become. It’s not a status symbol or about the false guarantee we will at least never be alone. It’s through the pairing and exploration of life with another being we learn extensively about ourselves. That is why we must love once and then love again and again because without it we can become stagnant, unaltered and unlived. Through love we have the opportunity of becoming the person we always knew was there.

SHIFT HAPPENS - NEW PERSPECTIVES IN THE NEW YEAR

2011-01-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Somehow, somewhere in the later part of 2010 I experienced a shift. Not sure what caused the changed but I feel like I entered 2011 completely different from the person I was for the majority of 2010. After months of feeling left behind as close girlfriends started to have children and disappear into serious relationships, I started to explore why dating felt like a chore when it was so easy and effortless in my 20’s. I was only worried about if he was cute, does he make me laugh, and could his friends hang with mine. Now in my 30’s, I found myself going through a long list of questions and assumptions before even considering meeting a man for coffee. Dating in my 20’s was about the experience when somehow dating in my 30’s had become all about could I marry him. But the most important question I couldn’t answer was…

WHEN DID DATING BECOME SO DAMN SERIOUS?

Ladies, somehow between 28 and 31, we lost our ability to have fun. Marriage and children became this flashing neon sign following us wherever we go. Somehow marriage and children becomes the only gateway to happiness that without them, life is put on pause. Why do we do this to ourselves? We bind ourselves to these deadlines and stages of life that really at the end of the day are not as important as we make them. Somewhere around September it became so clear to me… No wonder dating was a struggle! Who would want to date someone who was constantly on edge. My high beams were on- in desperate need for someone or something to prove my life was valuable. The only way to describe it is, I was miserable! So miserable that honestly, I wasn’t even aware of it. I was so caught up in what was “missing from my life” that I couldn’t even see how I was or could be apart of “the problem”.

Dating was easy in my 20’s because I never approached it from a place of lack, want, or need. I didn’t carry a list of who “HE” should be or judgment about what my age meant for me then or the very daunting future. Then, the future was this thing I probably should have been worried about it was too far away to really be concerned with it. It was coming regardless if I planned for it right? Somehow when I crossed over to 30, the future became this encompassing force looming over my head blocking any possible light. It was such a constant thought that I had no room for what was really going on in my life that I missed multiple opportunities to be in control of what I was experiencing.

I got sick and tired of being…sick and tired. I set out to find that fun girl of my 20’s who just wanted to have a great time. I started to seek the freedom that I once had when everything was possible.

Lately I have been living outside of those walls that I quickly built in the short years after 30. I started to pursue men that I usually wouldn’t. I now flirt with the assumption of attraction and interest instead of sitting and waiting for him to come talk to me. I haven’t been concerned with my age, the future, or why and when. The greatest part of it all is, not only am I beginning to date more then I have in years, but I am also dating some really great men. By giving up the constant worry and frustration, I have become more of the fun loving and confident girl that I have really always been.

I’m really excited about 2011. I feel like I’ve come into a new sense of ownership and authority that I oddly could not get to without the carelessness of my 20’s and the harsh focus of my early 30’s. This year is going to be great because I know I can have all that I want because nothing is missing! I already…we already… have it all.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR

2010-12-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

This time of year for me is always extremely reflective. First it is thanksgiving, then my birthday, Christmas then New Years. It’s a lot and always at this time in in constant thought about what does this year mean for me and where I am going in the upcoming year. In some ways, tons of writing material is floating in my head but unfortunately it doesn't materialize that clearly. Over the past week, I’ve started to blog but then stop myself unclear about what I really want to say. All this to say… I NEED A BREAK. Not the type of break where life is overwhelming and you have too much on your plate. It’s probably the opposite for me. I need some silence and clarity in forming where and who I am in 2011.

I think we are conditioned to “do” something. Conditioned to “fix” our lives when sometimes we just need to be.

So… I am being. Turning over the lights at Until I Get To You to make a clear distinction and focus with my blog in the year 2011.

I wish everyone a beautiful holiday and the same sense of reflection and regrouping into the new year.

See you on the other side!

With Love,

WHEN DID GAY BECOME A BAD WORD?

2010-12-03T15:07:00.000-08:00

The Muse’s are opinionated folks. As much as I want to take credit for my wit and persistent self-assurance I’ve inherited it. So you can imagine what family dinners might be like at my house. Of course Thanksgiving continued the family tradition of heated political debates and social commentary when one of my family members, who is engaged to a woman with a young boy, mentioned that the word “gay” is not allowed to be said when the kid is around. Of course the mention of such blatant prejudice sent me brewing. Maybe I am an extreme leftist, but in my world, gay is simply an adjective sometimes used to describe the homosexual community. It doesn’t connote judgment and is a word often used in magazines, news reports, and even in the freakin dictionary. So to not use a word that a child is easily going to hear and use in his everyday life is a disservice to his intelligence and social development. And more importantly, wouldn’t you want to teach your child the meaning of a word that he can easily pick up from someone else and develop his own definition?

Of course my lecture then got deeper as my family member mentioned that the men in the family use the word “mo” short for “homo” when they are in the presence of a gay person when the child is around. They often interchange the word “funny” as in “we have a “funny” uncle. That just set me off. I was no longer going to be nice. The use of the words “mo” and “funny” are not only extremely prejudice and immoral but are even more damaging then the word gay. The belief and ideology behind both words are exactly what breeds homophobia as well as the incessant bullying and self-loathing of gay teens that is deeply affecting our country today.

My family member now upset that I would challenge his fiancé’s decision in raising her own child shouted that as a single woman without any children, I had no right to discuss someone else’s choice is raising their own child. Of course how a person decides to raise their child is their choice but I unfortunately am still entitled to my opinion.

People with children use the fact that someone doesn’t have a child as an argument against opinion and judgment. But the truth is the ability to have a child does not immediately make anyone an expert of child rearing while not having a child does not negate validity of belief. Just because I don’t have a child does not mean that I wouldn’t and can’t make decisions about raising one. Sure, someone with a child knows more about raising children that I do but my lack of being a mother doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t be a good mother.

My mother, an elementary school principal, playing devil’s advocate added that she has a difficult time with the word also. The district doesn’t allow her to teach students what gay means in retrospect to homosexuality because many parents believe the school shouldn’t teaching children about sexuality. But homosexuality exists. Just like heterosexuality does. Not teaching the word does not allow people to ignore the fact that people are born everyday liking and loving those of the same sex. Not teaching a child the word gay can’t and won’t erase homosexuality. If children can learn what a male or female is, what marriage is, why can’t they simply know what gay means?

At the end, we agreed to just disagree and after much debating I allowed my opinion to be just that - an opinion. But the discussion still bothers me. Homosexuality has become more accepted then ever before but we are still afraid of children knowing what loving someone of the same sex means. Can someone help me. What exactly is in the fear of a child knowing what gay means? My liberal single childless mind just doesn’t understand.

"DON'T BE 45 HEARTBROKEN AND CHILDLESS" - and other assumptions about a single black woman

2010-12-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

I stared at the email. What started as an email correspondence wishing me happy birthday, became an unintentional attack on my life and my priorities.

A friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to often but have known for years, sent me a very sweet Happy Birthday email. As we corresponded back and forth he excitedly sent me a picture of his newborn niece. Knowing that having children in on his mind I joked that the next child born should be his. He then jokingly suggested we have a kid together. Everything was fun and games until I mentioned that I was not ready for kids anytime soon and then he hit me with:

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

Whoa… back up buddy! What does not being ready for children today have to do with what my life is going to be like in 13 years from now? Just because I am not ready now doesn’t mean I can’t and wont be ready tomorrow. For me, having children equals being in a relationship and finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A decision that takes thought and preparation. If I decide I don’t want to be a mother, I have every opportunity to be childless, happy, and in love.

I know too many women who fall into the trap of bad relationships simply to have kids. I don’t think they doubt having their children but if they had the opportunity to have the same children with a man more compatible for them they would. I have witnessed women having children way too early then when they were ready because every ounce of their femininity equaled marriage and motherhood. I know women who beat themselves up mentally and spiritually because they are physically unable to bear children and the truth is they are beautiful, feminine, and have every opportunity to have a beautiful life. But they can’t see that because since we’ve all been little girls holding baby dolls we’ve been told that without children we can’t fully become a woman.

I have stated before in an earlier post that having children with the right man was more important to me then having a child. Other women have different priorities and that is fine. It’s our life, our journey, and our opportunity to have exactly what we want. The scary thing about my friend’s email was the insinuation that having children correlates to insuring you are never alone. Granted, caretaking for another human being does insure someone will be there but shouldn’t someone want to be a mother? Shouldn’t the decision to give life to another human being be much more encompassing than just feeding their fear of being alone? And we all know having a man’s child does not guarantee that he will always be your partner. Ring or no ring. The decision to have a child should simply be about wanting to become a mother. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Having a child is a gift, a blessing, not a mandate. This level of thinking is what gets lots of women in trouble- having children before they are ready and stuck in relationships with the wrong man. I’m not interested in feeling trapped. More importantly, I am not interested in being anywhere other then where I am now. When I am ready to have children, I will have children and at 32 I got a couple more years before I need to freak out. If my want to be a mother shows up after my body is unable to do the work, then I can adopt, have a surrogate, or any other of the multiple options of today.

Especially when it comes to love and having children, I’m not sure if you have to “get ready”. When you are ready, it just happens. Or when you are ready, you make it happen. Both options have nothing to do with taking action with anxiety and fear. I don’t know, maybe I am just a naïve romantic but I don’t’ see being 45 heartbroken and childless in my future. If I am 45 without children and or not married, I don’t have to be heartbroken or miserable. Finding someone has never been my issue but finding the right one is what my journey is all about.

NO ONE SAID 32 WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

2010-11-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to 32. I have to say I had no idea 32 years old would look like this.

Because my birthday is towards the end of the year, I often approach this day with self-reflection; where am I going? Where have I been? This year especially has been an interesting one. This time last year, I decided to venture out and work freelance. The previous two years, I was lucky enough to have a good run at my father’s advertising agency producing and writing commercials. When I started to in production, I ended up copywriting and wrote and produced two Honda Accord campaigns. I had actually begun to enjoy working in advertising in a way that I never thought was possible. I grew up in the industry but I’ve always have been stubborn and wanted my own dream, my own career as a screenwriter. But my time writing and producing commercials helped me realize that my work as a screenwriter was more viable then ever before. With my 10 year college anniversary approaching, a stack full of scripts behind me, and a number of agents/ managers who came and went, My dream was still so bright and encompassing that it often woke me out of my sleep. If I was going to continue, I had to approach my writing career differently.

For years, I had always been afraid of “what if it doesn’t happen”. My fear of failure allowed me to always put energy and effort into a Plan B. But in giving Plan B a life and possibility I was also saying my dream the opportunity to die. So as I ventured into 2010, I was going to put my writing first. I figured I would create my life and my career in the way that I saw it and hopefully those around me would begin to see me in the same light. If I am a writer, then I work as a writer, live as a writer which is completely different from seeking the approval and co sign of someone else.

This year has been extremely interesting because in some ways, I’ve achieved exactly what I set out to do. I wake up every morning to my computer and I write. I spend my days going in and out of my favorite coffee shops and the majority of the paychecks made this year was made writing. Creatively, I am the strongest I have ever been. My voice is clear and sharp. Finally I am no longer seeking to mimic what others did in their careers but have confidently become the authority of my own work.

But there is still so much more work to do. Money has been a struggle this year in a way it’s never been before and with my age, doubt and fear creep in and take hold with more vigor and intensity. But I still write... story telling is so deeply routed in my identity and an essential element of my sanity that I know I am not suppose to do anything else.

So on my 32nd birthday I am thankful for having the courage to step out and create the life that I have always wanted and pray for the patience and resilience to keep the dream visualized.

The one thing I have learned this year is we all have the power to have exactly what we want in life we just need the courage and work ethic make it come alive.

COMPUTER CRASH - A WRITER'S NIGHTMARE OR DREAM?

2010-11-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday night minutes away from finishing a commercial script, the intimidating spinning wheel popped up on my screen and never stopped spinning. My computer died. And I lost everything on it.

Not only everything that I had written for that one project but literally everything that I have written in the last 10 years was gone. Of course backing up your work is easy these days but I was horrible at it and as much as my computer was old and I knew I was in need of a new one, I never prepared for the chance one day my computer could never work again.

As a writer, this is worst thing that can happen. Now, after the initial shock and fear, I sit in front of a brand new computer there is something oddly refreshing and exciting about starting over.

As a writer, so much of what I have previously imagined and written shapes what I want to write in the future. If I have already written a romantic comedy about best friends it’s time to try something different. But now without the reference of worlds and lives that I have previously created, I can do and write anything that I want to in a new way never fully expressed. I don’t have to worry about the script that I wrote that never was rewritten. I don’t have to linger over the TV pilot that I loved and no one else got. Right now I start from a completely new page one. The great thing about being a writer is that although I do not tangibly hold my previous work, anything that I now write is inherently touched with the knowledge and skill gained over the years. Without the looming pages of past work glaring at me and influencing a false sense of authority, I feel like I now walk with a new found freedom.

The one thing that drives me insane about screenwriters is that so often people believe the pursuit equals the skill. When people discuss the number of screenplays they have completed as if that alone deserves merit negates the skill and talent needed to write a beautifully written and original piece of work. The truth is writing 300 scripts isn’t what makes you great – It is one that does the trick. Not one script but “The One”.

As Malcolm Gladwell discusses in “Outliers” it’s the practice of creating story and rewriting that creates The One but it’s that one piece of work that stands out above the rest that carries not only the possibility of the next great step but also carries the blood sweat and tears of the thousands and pages before.

Early this year in a very emotional and real moment with my manager, he said to me “You’ve written good, but I haven’t seen great”. As much as it hurt, I couldn’t argue. But for any artist, great shows up without warning. Great can happen tomorrow or it can happen in 20 years.

When I got the news that years of scripts, thoughts, documents, music, pictures, were gone forever I just went numb. And my father said, “It’s the same mind- same heart”. And it’s true. I might not be physically able to hold or touch the years of a written work but they are still in the place that matters the most – my heart and soul. Not sure if I got 10, 000 hours but I got something close. Therefore I move forward with ease and excitement to the making of me.

ASSUMPTIONS - THE RELATIONSHIP KILLER

2010-11-19T15:26:00.000-08:00

I love this moment between Oprah and Whoopi (starts at the 2:00 minute mark). After years of thinking each other was mad at the other they finally realize for 25 years they were fighting over nothing. You can see the truth of the moment when both women begin to cry. It's so real and so true.

I can’t help but think of a similar moment I had with a good friend. We were going through a sticky time in our friendship and instead of really talking about it, months went by with the unspoken tension. She was in a new and very serious relationship and because of it our friendship did not have the same dynamic. We didn’t talk as frequently and more importantly, we didn’t see each other and hang out as much. I assumed the friendship wasn’t of importance to her anymore. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about it but in my head, our friendship in her life was simply different from what it used to be. She didn’t need to lean on her girlfriends the same way I did being single. In my mind, the only action that needed to be taken was for me to restructure my life and my friendships. I started to pull away and mentally placed her as one of my good friends then one of my best friends. But after a couple months of this she was the bigger person and approached me to talk about our unspoken issues.

At the time I really didn’t want to talk about it because the wall was already placed. No need to discuss something that wasn’t going to change. But I was wrong. What I assumed and allowed myself to believe was so far from the truth. She wanted and needed the friendship just as much as I did. Her new relationship could not at all replace the need for true real friendship and because I was pulling away she assumed that I wasn’t interested in fixing the friendship and willing to walk away. Without that conversation I would have continued harboring my own assumption about her life, as she would have about mine. In 20 minutes of the truth, our friendship was back on track.

Whoopi and Oprah went on for 25 years without someone saying “Can we talk?” I can’t help but think of how many relationships we have ruined by the story we have decided to believe in our heads. Especially in love relationships. I know I am guilty of reacting to a man’s actions based on what I think it means. He hasn’t called; he’s obviously dating someone else. He’s too quiet; he must be upset about something he’s not saying…and so on and so on. Like the previous post, we as people are so afraid of the truth that we have ruined friendships, marriages, and even family dynamics simply by not saying a word.

Let’s talk to each other, even if the truth might hurt, its more assuring to know what is really going on and know how to deal with it.

Life is too precious and way too short.

HOW MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

2010-11-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

Every girl needs a good guy best friend. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few. As far as I am concerned, men and women can truly be just friends. Some of my closest and longest friendships have been with men. With one of my guy friends our love lives tend to parallel each other. When he is confused and in a messy relationship so am I. Going through a hard heartbreak? We’ve done it together. Now both of us are single with the intent on making the next move with ease and caution. Of course as male and female, we often approach the same situation completely different.

My good friend, let’s call him Mr. X, had started dating someone new. He was into her from day one. As one of his best friends, I questioned what was going to happen next because he literally met her days after breaking up with an ex. I’ve never been able to successfully move into the next situation while thinking of the last but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I know plenty of people who have. Plus, this time she wasn’t an obvious rebound. She sounded great; a woman with a great job, a full group of friends, smart, and intellectual. She sounded like someone I would have been happy for him to end up with.

Nearly a month in, things were going great. Dinners, breakfasts, running errands, making plans for the future...then the ex called. It was just a simple phone call. No decision of getting back together but the brief encounter completely switched his outlook on the new situation. Within days he wasn’t excited to hang out with the new girl and started to pull away. Everything that was so great about her began to die. He still thought highly of her and he couldn’t verbalize why things were different but he began to wonder was he really ready to jump into something serious so soon? Of course he couldn’t see this but the simple meet up with his ex shook him up enough for him to question if he was ready to do it all over again. Here he was with a great girl and too scared to entertain while the drunk young bartender where we were at was much more appetizing. He was just beginning to deal with the questions he should have asked himself on day 1 not day 42.

So the perfect and most logical move for him was to disappear. From that moment on he wasn’t going to call and not return her phone calls hoping over time she would just get the picture. He spoke of his plan as if he was the simplest decision that anyone else would make. My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I saw the clear manifestation of differences between men and women. Where I thought of the emotional implications and what this meant for him and her, he was looking for the easy way out. There I was literally seeing the other side of a moment that I had been once apart of. As much as I have given the advice to a confused friend that what ever happened between her and the man that decided to disappear had nothing to do with her, it was more of a general statement without really knowing if it did or not. And when I have been in the situation myself I never understood how I could interact with someone and their decision to not engage could really have nothing to do with me. But I stood there listening to Mr. X’s ridiculous assessment and it all became crystal clear: It’s true, SOMETIMES IT REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Seeing myself in this girl’s shoes I convinced him to tell her the truth, he fucked up and started a relationship he couldn’t finish. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if the truth was never an option. How could he admit to possibly being emotionally messed up? But as much as it might hurt her at the moment, it saves weeks or even months of agony wondering what happened. Every girl has been there; replaying every moment, every phone call trying to piece together what happened when all disasters could have been avoided with just 5 minutes of the truth.

I remember being in a similar situation with a guy that seemed to be going really well and then it was not. It was as if I could smell his ex girlfriend around him. So in our next conversation I asked him if he was getting back together with her and let him know that I was completely ok with it. Silence on the other end and then he said, “You are the coolest girl in the world”. The thing is, no sane woman wants what someone else has or more importantly, wants someone who doesn’t want her. It’s the ambiguity that makes relationships a lot more complicated then necessary. And like clock work in the middle of my lecture, the new girl emailed him questioning if something had happened between them that she wasn’t aware of. It was right there, sitting in his hands, the opportunity to tell the truth instead of hiding and hoping time will take care of the situation for him.

That moment was the perfect reason why men and women should and can be friends. We both learned something about the opposite sex that we couldn’t learn from the person we are romantically linked to. As I learned, sometimes with men not all things should be taken personally, while he learned women are more resilient then one would assume. Especially when treated with respect.

As our friendship has suffered in the past when we were in serious relationships we made a promise to always make time for us. Because this “us” was just as special and needed for the balance in our other relationship. You can always use someone to bounce off thoughts with especially someone who’s not from the same mindset. With a best girlfriend sometimes you can convince each other driving off a cliff is the best thing to do but with a good guy friend you might see an escape route missed.

BLACK GIRLS ROCK!

2010-11-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of folks posted this yesterday but I couldn't resist. I've watched this over and over again and it just gives me goose bumps! Performances like this make me soo proud, soo happy to be a black woman.

No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

2010-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”. Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.

Can An Open Marriage Save A Relationship?

2010-11-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of obsessed with open marriages. Not sure why but the idea intrigues me. Currently, I am writing about a couple that explores an open marriage so it's literally on my mind all the time. The idea of monogamy is a little tricky for me. I like the concept, believe in the commitment, and want someone who is willing to try it with me. On the other hand, Do I believe love is ruined or tainted by having sex with another person? Not at all. I've seen it too many times with men who love the crap about of their wives/girlfriends and the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't taint that feeling for them. Fair? Probably not... but it's real.

The truth is what we have placed together as a traditional marriage isn't necessarily working. People expect to get married, never have attraction towards another and more importantly, start to live a completely different life then they did when they were dating or single. I think the idea of propriety tends to ruin relationships. Often when people get married and have been married for a couple years, they stop trying. The ring on the finger solicits a sense of comfort that is first enticing but often becomes stale and typical. Therefore the idea of still needing to entice your partner feels like a positive aspect of an open marriage. But the real question is can everyone really separate love and sex? All these questions are swirling around in my head as I patch together the life of these two people and the information on the Internet is endless.

Today I found this: A blog originally started by a couple in a happy and fulfilled open marriage that ended in less then a year with a divorce. Then it got me thinking... is the need for the open marriage, the comfortablity, the boredom the real true sign of a failing relationship?

Love to get your thoughts.

"My Best Friend Is Making A Mistake With The Wrong Man, What Do I Do?"

2010-11-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

Over twitter a woman asked what do you do when you know a friend is making a terrible mistake. In her case, her friend is moving in with her boyfriend that many suspect is gay. Her friend’s concern is she is committing to a relationship that will never work out but she feared saying anything would make her friend upset. I think women are in the predictiment all the time. Not necessarily with the gay boyfriend but what do you do when you see your friend making a mistake with the wrong man?

When most women think it’s best to keep your mouth closed and be there for your friend when they fall, I think it’s best to tell them how you feel. Now that doesn’t mean you should just come out there with “ I can’t stand your man, you deserve so much better” but when the opportunity arises, just ask her if she is sure about the relationship. Let her know you’ll always be there for her regardless of her situation and if she’s truly happy you’ll support her 100%. I think a lot of times we are in denial and we just need to confirmation from someone else to see the truth. Sure, your friend could be upset, but I think it’s a greater gift to know that your friend will always tell you the truth.

It’s true, most of the time we need to make our own mistakes. Someone telling you what you need to do is completely different from making the decision on your own. But I think there is away to tell your friend what you think while allowing her the freedom and space to do what she wants to do.

But more importantly, the real question is, do you just don’t like him or is he really bad for her? I think we have to distinguish not liking our friend’s boyfriend from our girlfriend’s happiness. Just because we can’t stand him doesn’t mean she’s not happy or in a bad relationship. Our opinions are just that, opinions. At the end of the day we might be close friends but that doesn’t mean we have the same taste when it comes to men. If you are able to determine your discomfort with her man to really being about her well being, then I think you have to tell her in the most supportive way. She might be mad but she will always know you are looking out for what’s best for her.

What do you think? Keep your mouth closed or tell your girl how you feel?

"What The Hell Is A Soul Mate Anyway"? Soul Mates Vs Life Partners-What Are We Really Looking For?

2010-10-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have an ex boyfriend that shows up literally every time his name is mentioned. We don’t live in the same city or even really speak often but when his name comes up in conversation I know we’re going to run into each other. I haven’t seen him in years and he came up in conversation the other day and sure enough a half an hour later, there he was walking across the street. Used to this funny way of meeting, we shared a laugh, a knowing smile and continued on with our lives.

This interaction couldn’t help but get me thinking about soul mates. There is no denying, my ex and I are connected in a powerful way. A connection that is no doubt specific to only him and I. But that connection doesn’t translate to being the best partner for me. Our relationship was a mess and forever will be. It broke us down and made each of us miserable. I love him, will continue to love him, but I have no interest in being with him.

I believe our soul mates are people that we intrinsically know on a spiritual level -an intense attraction and emotion that is beyond explanation or logic. As Wayne Dyer says "Your soul mate is the person you can't stand". His idea is that soul mates are the people who cause the most challenges for us. The ones we can't ignore and learn the most personal lessons from. If that's the case, I've been lucky enough to have a couple soul mates in my life.

The interesting idea about this concept is that soul mates don't necessarily translate to the person we should or can spend the rest of our lives with. The connection and experience caused by a soul mate is so deep and life changing it’s not meant to last more then a specific point in time. Soul mates come as best friends, lovers, and sometimes strangers on the street (I had a conversation with a man in Paris that was unbelievable) but the person you spend your life with should be the person who shows up as constant and steady, right?

I think of it like clothes: You are more inclined to wear a simple pair of blue jeans over and over again then the diamond studded leather pants right? You love those leather pants but they sit in your closet more often then the desire to put them on. Now the jeans- they not only go with everything, ca be worn any season, but they also have this magical ability to fit you regardless of what kind of shape you are in. So essentially we all need to find that perfect pair of jeans.

The hard part is that pair of jeans has to really fit. I mean really fit. In real life I hate shopping for jeans because even though the size might say they fit but that doesn’t always reflect what they are going to look on me. Even within the same brand, sometimes two different pairs of the same size look completely different. So it’s always a long process and I have to try a whole bunch of pairs to find the ones that feel like they were made just for me.

In relationships, I guess it’s the same thing. Not only does the guy have to fit but he has to have something special going on so that I don’t get bored. Ahh…. My Achilles heel- passion, adventure, spontaneity- the qualities that I love in a man in the beginning but hate months later. But if I consider Dr. Wayne Dyer's thought its in these moments of frustration and being uncomfortable that life is all about!

This point in my life I straddle between looking for that immense fire that stops me in my tracks or do I look for the cool slow burn that has the ability last a lifetime?

I do have to say that’s the great part about dating. The more jeans that I try on, the more I understand what I am looking for in the right fit.

LOVE LESSONS FROM KIM KARDASHIAN

2010-10-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

I’ve had my crazy moments like any girl. Honestly, I might have a couple more then the average but my point is… I definitely can comment when a woman has made the same mistake.

Sunday night on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian put Reggie Bush on blast by not only playing their phone conversation in front of her friends and family but she played it for the whole world. Reggie pleaded with her about getting back together and seeing her with a new dude in the media was “driving him crazy”. I don’t know why I am surprised when she came to be a celebrity by a sex tape but airing the conversation was just not classy!

I’m sure she thought she was going to show him, let everyone know how much he wanted to get back with her but really she played herself in the end. Not only should every man she dates be terrified of all his business being on TV but the only way to really show someone how much you still obviously care is to dedicate a whole episode about moving on when it’s really still about him. She left nothing up to the imagination. If Reggie had any question about how much she really liked the guy she was dating, now he knows the whole time she was still thinking about him.

One thing that I have learned over and over again in break ups (but can’t seem to remember when I am going through them) is at the end they all come down to positions of power. Who is happier? Who is moving on quicker? No one likes to admit it but when a relationship ends it’s all about ego. If you have the opportunity to question what they are doing without you. The ego gets bruised and you start to wonder, was I ever special to them? If Reggie Bush had any real questions about if Kim really did like this Miles guy now he knows her dating an athlete was not about getting over him but purely about getting back at him.

Ladies, Ladies… When it comes to relationships- and especially break ups - we can’t lay out all our cards! The best revenge is silence. The best signal of moving on is indifference. I don’t know Reggie or Kim but what I do know is in this business the only way to stay sane is to keep your close and personal relationships sacred. The more you put on blast, the more you need to run for cover.

IS THERE ANY GETTING OVER KRYPTONITE?

2010-10-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

He argues the importance of love in our society. He obsesses over the possible life story of the homeless guy near the freeway entrance and wonders how and if they are really any different. He quits his job without having any idea what he is going to do next, stays up all night writing his book/novel/poem/painting while praying to God he is living to his full potential.

He’s the artist. In every sense of the word. From head to toe, he’s passionate, spontaneous, and unpredictable. My kryptonite. I’ve encountered this man-short, tall, skinny, and big – regardless of what he looks like, I’m smitten within the first encounter and there’s no reeling back. Cut from the same cloth, he understands my own obsession and inspires me to work and live harder. But in all cases, we both love hard which only perpetuates a much harder fall. Getting myself back together after dealing with Mr. Artist is never an easy or quick process. Its brutal, down right life changing but through the pain, I always emerge as a stronger, more complete person. In some ways, the personal growth is an added blessing for dealing with the Artist Man.

This time, I want to try things different. Try the stable man. The guy with a job and a career, and that’s enough for him. As long as the bills are paid, he’s good and any bigger questions can be left for others to figure out. He’s settled. Where he is now is where we want to be and if it never changes, he’s fine. The monotony and expectation that comes with the stable man at one time sounded boring but now feels comforting and alluring. BUT the problem is when I encounter him; I’m always looking for more. I want to go out when he wants to stay home. I’m looking to debate the social undertones of Fraggle Rock when he just wants to watch and relive his childhood.

How much of the excitement and romanticism really matters when looking for a life partner? How much entertainment is needed in relation to loyalty and steadiness?

Maybe over time the insatiable taste of The Artist will fade away. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and I’ll find the perfect mix of Mr. Stable and The Artist that makes sense for me. Does he exist?

In the meantime, I try to date from a clean slate not letting too much of my past color my future. Even when a whole lot of color seems to serve me well.

CAN WE CONTROL WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?

2010-10-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

How many of you know of a guy that decided “the next woman I’m with is my wife” or a girl that said “by this time next year I will be engaged” and they got it? The idea behind those proclamations is being in control. Setting out an intention and allowing the universe to bring it to you. I am willing to play this game with my career and actually have played this game with love before and guess what, most of the time I get it but when it comes to love, how much do I want to be in control?

I think that is the root to my aversion to online dating. I feel like I am too much in control of whom I date and what I like. So much of what I like changes from year to year based on the experiences of previous choices. So much of what I liked at 25 is not apart of the equation now. Especially when it comes to love, being in control might not be the best thing simply because most of the time what I want isn’t necessarily what I need. As much as I complain about being single as the next girl, I know that God, the Universe, or whatever higher being you believe in, knows more about my journey then I do.

Right now I am online dating again and kicking and screaming throughout the whole experience. Truthfully it’s the only sure way I meet and able to experience different men. As much as that is a plus, I still grapple with how much control I have. So many people give me the stories of their friends that went online and got married not too long after. I have those same stories in my own circles. They set out to find someone and mission accomplished. There is no arguing, if you are looking to find someone, the best place to find them in online… but I don’t know if I am looking to find just someone.

But on the other hand, finding companionship is not always about finding the best fit. Maybe this idea of romantic love is just something that doesn’t truly exist. At least not in the realm that we believe in. Sure, romantic love is possible but it might not come 6’5 with a MFA and a Mercedes.

As we all know, marriage was never about love. It was about procreating and having someone to take care of our daughters. Maybe I need to realize being in control of my love life is probably the best and sure way of achieving the goal of being married and having children. But as time goes by… I don’t know how much I am attached to those ideals anymore.

Whenever I am facing what I believe to be a bad situation, I always take a set back, give myself a moment of silence and look at the situation from a different perspective. What am I not looking at? In those situations I can easily change something that I hate to do to something that I would love to do. Simply by looking at it from a different angle. Essentially, we can do the same with love. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be in full control of my love life and stop seeing it as such a bad deal. We can control what makes us mad or what makes us laugh, therefore we can control who and when to fall in love.

Thanks to online dating, I have a date tonight. Who knows…maybe its time to take the lead and fall.

COMPROMISE - A Bad Word In Relationships?

2010-10-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine wanted to hook me up with an accountant. He’s 5’9, wears a suit the majority of time, enjoys staying at home then going out, and doesn’t listen to anything other then jazz music. I took a pass on the date. She thought I was crazy because I had no idea if we were a match or not. But the truth is, I’ve dated lots of men and the older I get… I know what works. When did knowing what I want become a crime?

I love Eartha Kitt’s response in this video. She’s a little crazy but she definitely knows what she wants. And getting it is not an option. But that word Compromise… how important is it when it comes to relationships? Do we all need it to some degree?

I struggle with the notion of compromise in both my relationships and career. When or do you ever get to a point when you realize maybe what I am fighting for just doesn’t exist? One of the greatest gifts of being multiple relationships is getting the chance to really define what you want and what works for you. And as I get older, I become more clear of what type of man and relationship matches the lifestyle that I want BUT… I am also very clear about what I don’t want. So in the area of Mr. Accountant, I know most men with stable and rational careers just think I am crazy. My instability when it comes to time and money is uncomfortable for them as well as my constant expression of emotions. Plus I know I need to be out and social and I really would love if I could share that with my partner. I’m not interested in dating men shorter then me, men who don’t have an affinity for the arts, who are shy or socially awkward, and who don’t have the same morals and values as I have. So do I go out with this guy even though I know the probability of us liking each other is small? And if we do fall in love, which has happened before, with someone who is relatively different from me, how long will it really last before we drive the other crazy?

My favorite part of this video is when she says:

I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me.

There have been times in relationships where I have apologized for who I am. And we should never have to do that. When your self expression and self worth is being compromised, then that’s where compromise is never an option.

So maybe it’s not necessarily having standards, or a list of what he should look like or what he should believe in… but more importantly… does he love me for me? And if the answer is yes… why does anything else matter?

WE'RE SINGLE TIL WE'RE MARRIED" - The one comment that always seems to piss someone off.

2010-10-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

He’s tall, charismatic, witty, and he’s own person. Whenever we see each other it’s like everyone else has left the room. At a crowded party, you’ll find us in the corner laughing. Over lunch, hours have gone by before we realize we’re late for the next appointment. In some ways he’s the perfect match for me… in one way he is not. Sure, when he mentioned he had a girlfriend I was disappointed but I enjoyed hanging out with him and continued to do so. We have a true friendship but it would be ignorant to ignore there is something a little more. It’s nothing romantic but there is a bond both of us have mentioned is special. A bond between two people that doesn’t happen often.

Because he has a girlfriend, others have mentioned that I should stop being his friend. Because there is a connection that is different then your standard platonic friendship, it’s been suggested I need to stop any possibility that could be a threat to his relationship. I don’t see it like that. I respect the fact that he is in a relationship and because of that, I don’t want our friendship to be anything more than it is right now but to the suggestion to stop building upon a connection that is special to me just because he has a girlfriend is invalid. Not an option.

See, a girlfriend to me isn’t forever. A girlfriend could be forever but it doesn’t have the finality that a wife does. When you commit to a person for “forever”, what you essentially do when you get married, I believe it’s your duty to not do anything that could pose a threat to that sacred bond. But being in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to me is saying, “let’s try this out and see if it works”. In many ways, I see relationships as

You’re Single Till You Are Married.

A lot of people are upset by this comment. This statement does not mean the commitment between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not valid. A promise is a promise, regardless of the form. But when you are in a committed relationship outside of marriage, I see it as you are off the market RIGHT NOW. Then off the market FOREVER.

Back to the relationship with my “friend”. I have no interest in “taking” him away from his girlfriend. Nor do I have an interest in building upon our friendship while he is in a relationship with another woman. I don’t believe in cheating and always thought if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are more likely to cheat on you. But I am not going to deny our deep connected friendship because of another connection he has with someone else. Especially when the two are completely different. The truth is I actually like his girlfriend. And I recognize how special she is to him. Their relationship is strong. So strong that I don’t see our friendship as a threat to their bond. Being a strong connection with another person isn’t something that happens everyday and I am not willing to let that go off of the chance of “maybe”. We’ll continue to be friends. Good Friends, until the situation is not longer beneficial to both of us.

MY CLOCK AIN'T TICKING - Is something wrong with me?

2010-10-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine recently found herself in a serious relationship. 4 months in, they’re already discussing marriage and the time they would like to have children. Saturday night, at his birthday party she told me they were planning to have kids in two years because “I’m not interested in having a toddler at 38”. Another friend of mine, 31 years old, the same age as I and the previous woman, is seriously considering freezing her eggs because “I don’t want to be 50, tired and chasing kids”. All around me, my single and in relationship friends are making decisions now about the possibility of having children later. There is this mad rush against the unknown future with the assumption that having children is only possible between a small window of time. That very valid “ticking clock” is affecting all these women but for some reason, it hasn’t gotten me yet. And I wonder… does that mean I don’t really want children?

I remember having a conversation with my old roommate where she suggested that having children was more important to her then being with the right man. It has always been clear for me that being with the right man was more important than having children. I’ve always dreamed about having lots of children. I have visions of having a huge thanksgiving table full of family and friends of multiple generations. I always wanted to experience the beauty of creating another human being and being responsible in shaping the person they become. When I was younger, I saw my 30’s as a place of completion and accomplishment. I envisioned being solid in my career, marriage and having small children but of course, that is not my current reality. But on the other side of that, I don’t doubt that I will have children and I don’t feel like I need to rush anything to have that reality apart of my life later. If for whatever reason, I’m not able to have biological children, adoption feels like a perfectly fine possibility for me.

The problem is many of my friends see having children as the goal and getting married as a means to that end. But I see finding the man to be that perfect father as well as the man to spend the rest of my life with as the ultimate goal and if children come apart of that scenario, then I am immensely blessed. I don’t know, maybe I am naïve, but I feel like I don’t need to rush to have children. I don’t see the age of 35 as this inevitable cut off. I know beautiful vibrant women in their late 40’s who have successful careers, wonderful husbands and children under 10 years old. Their lives are full and happy. As my friend was worried about having young children in her 50’s, there is nothing “old” or “tired” about these women I know. They are sexy and in great shape with the maturity and experience to tackle the issues in their lives with ease and sophistication. To me, that seems like a more comfortable situation then possibly being in late 30’s in a horrible marriage, or single, still figuring out my career with a couple young children demanding my full attention and care.

I am not at all suggesting my girlfriends are going to end up unhappy or in the wrong relationships, I just wonder if my passé approach regarding children questions how much I really want them. I see having children as a gift - a more powerful way to give back the blessing of life that was given to me. Having children will make my life more rich and vibrant but it is a blessing- not a guarantee. Plus if for whatever reason it does not happen as I would like, I do not see not having children as an attack to my femininity or make me any less of a woman then those that can.

One of the things I have learned from being a babysitter is the possibility of having an impact on child’s life without being their biological mother. I have had the ability to be nurturing, giving, and build influential relationships with children that are not biologically mine. Therefore, I continue to dream about having children (3 to 4 to be exact) but that will happen whenever the time is right. No rush… for whatever reason I believe I got time.

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

2010-10-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”. Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary. I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing. Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off. It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on.

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on! For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor.

ONE REASON TO NEVER READ MADAME NOIRE MAGAZINE AGAIN

2010-10-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

Why does he have to look at sad and pathetic in the back?

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “How To Date A White Guy”. I purposely choose a title that would catch people’s attention but for those who actually read it they know the piece was not about selecting white men over black men but more about letting go past assumptions that limited my opportunities when it comes to dating. I’m a black woman in my 30’s who wants to be married with kids one day. If I am black, white, purple, or even magenta, limiting my options is not a smart thing especially when it comes to love.

Tonight I read “8 Reason to Date A White Man” at Madamenoire.com and was disgusted. It is full of assumptions and stereotypical reasons to dating a “white man” that has nothing to do with love or compatibility. I am a single black woman and believe that black women and everyone else on the goddamn planet cannot construct rules when it comes to finding an ideal partner. Come on, aren’t we over that crap by now? Yes. Culture is alive and well. Culture differences should be celebrated and never ignored. There are multiple inherent cultural similarities with a black man that I most likely will not have with a white man but why should I allow those differences to limit my possibilities when it comes to love? Especially in a time where we all are more culturally similar then ever before?

What this article does is not liberate black women from false pretenses. Instead the writer has publicly based every black man with ludicrous stereotypes while attempting to uplift white men with the same backwards thinking. Not all white men “ don’t take everything as a challenge to their masculinity” or even “have the ability to look beyond their past”. I know tons of chauvinist white men “looking for someone to take care of them” as well as many white men who don’t know a thing about “financial planning and stability”. When there is a Black President in the White House who dispels every single stereotype and possible opportunity for a Black man how could anyone write such an ignorant piece?

The world just continues to blow my mind! I know many ways to support black women in dating outside their race without bashing black men. Jesus… I know thousands of beautiful, strong, loving, impeccable black men looking for a partner. There is no shortage. We just live in a time where limitations do not serve us anymore. So fall in love because you can- not because it will help your financial and social goals. When you can create a list of why you are with the man you are with without writing love, morals, or reasons beyond the color of his skin- you do not know the definition of love.

And the even more ignorant thing about the article? The article is coupled with pictures of black women with men who are not even white! The online magazine is not only stereotyping black men but is even more backwards in it’s assumption that every man with fair skin and not black is in fact white.

Moments like this make me thankful for growing up in California. Other than New York City, the rest of the country is so archaic and still living in the 50’s. Oh no… Did I just stereotype? Well if Madame Noire can make ignorant assumptions I guess I can too.

Bishop Eddie Long And The Real Issue We're Up Against

2010-09-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

My blog was solely created to discuss my constant fascination with love and relationships, but my heart has been so heavy with the Bishop Eddie Long scandal that I could not help to give my two cents. I am affected by the news in a way that most people are not. When people are either laughing at yet another fallen religious leader or questioning his sexual orientation I see the issue as an opportunity to discuss the unfair assumption of sexuality that we as a society place on black men. You see what Bishop Eddie Long is facing really has nothing to do with his sexuality and the fact that people cannot see the difference breaks my heart. I believe it constant ignorance and prejudice regarding sexuality and gender that contributes to the devastating continuation of sexual deviance.

On Sunday, after Mr. Long addressed his church, many people over Twitter began to respond with comments about his sexuality. “He’s so gay and he wants no one to know”. Or the opposite sentiment but with the same assumption “ Who cares if Eddie Long is gay. Let’s just get over it”. While one commenter sees sexuality as a secret characteristic worth seeking out, the other comes from a place of acceptance- but both completely ignore the most important issue at hand:

SEXUAL ABUSE IS AN ISSUE OF POWER AND MANIPULATION MORE THAN AN ISSUE OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION

If the issue was solely about Eddie Long being a gay man then what we would be exploring is his secretive relationship with a man, but in fact what is being investigated is Eddie Long using his position as a church leader to influence and manipulate young men into performing sexual acts. What Eddie Long is being accused of is not being gay – he’s being accused of sexual molestation and more importantly violating another human being through manipulation and power. Somehow that is easily being overlooked.

On Sunday I tweeted “If the allegations are true, Eddie Long is NOT a gay man- he’s a sexual deviant-molester-abuser”. Immediately I began to receive various “thank yous” from gay men who immediately understood my point. But I also received replies innocently asking for an explanation. As one girl asked,” I don’t understand. Can you explain? Isn’t being gay attracted to the same sex?” My comment was not about making a proclaiming his sexuality. It was about bringing attention to the fact that being a sexual predator is not a diagnosis of sexuality. Eddie Long’s sexuality is not being investigated. Sexual abuse is the issue at hand. Somehow not every one sees or understands that there is an actual difference.

Because the alleged act is between individuals of the same sex, it is somehow pushing the issue of abuse under the table. I find the whole thing bizarre and heartbreaking! In various Internet comment sections discussing the issue, there are multiple comments like this one: “How could they be abused when they were 16 years old? They knew what they were doing.” Then I have to ask: What happens if you place a 16-year-old girl in the situation? Would people easily oversee the issue of abuse and molestation simply because of her age? Does that mean a 40-year-old woman cannot be fondled without her consent or even manipulated into a sexual act in fear of being fired from her job or threatened with bodily harm? Would we immediately say a woman couldn’t be raped at 16 because she obviously knows what sex is at that age? Because the issue involves men- and especially black men- no one seems to see or even care how these boys could have been victims.

Through this issue I cannot help but feel pain and sorrow for men as a whole. Regardless of sexuality and race, a man’s masculinity is directly correlated to his sexuality in a way that is beyond crippling. A true “man” is a sexual warrior, glorified by the amount of sex he has and his various conquests. A woman has the ability to be sexualized regardless of how she expresses sexuality. Women who are virgins are seen as hot and even sexy and often the least number of sexual partners increases a woman’s value. If a man is not having sex, something is wrong with him. If he is still a virgin, he’s not a “man”. And those that are not expressing themselves sexually often have their sexuality questioned. No wonder why there are so many men with repressed sexuality in the churches, so many sexual crimes against women by men, and so many men afraid of “coming out”. Crossing both heterosexuality and homosexuality we have made it so hard for a man to simply be… just who he is.

Regardless of the lives altered by whatever happened under Bishop Eddie Long’s parish, I hope that the one possible positive light through this scandal is a dialogue regarding men and sexuality. 1 in 6 men are sexually abused before the age of 16. So many of them keep it a secret and never discuss it because they are in fear of their own masculinity being questioned. The longer we continue to ignore the possibility of men being victimized sexually, the more sexual predators we allow to continue to hurt others.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? And other relationship questions from Tyrese

2010-09-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

The power of reality TV is amazing. I had never really paid much attention to LaLa or Carmelo Anthony before, but after watching LaLa’s Full Court Wedding I have a newfound appreciation for Ms. Lala. And their son Kiyan? He’s got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen?! Besides their to die for offspring, my favorite moment of the premiere episode on Sunday was when Lala had lunch with her best guy friend, Tyrese. As soon as she sits down, Tyrese goes in hard with the questions. He asks, “You’ve mastered being a girlfriend, are you ready to be a wife?” He points out that being a girlfriend is different from being a fiancé, which is completely different from being someone’s wife. The question might seem obvious to some but seriously….how many people actually enter a marriage understanding that they are building something different than the last couple years in a relationship?

Things got a little controversial when Tyrese asked why Lala wasn’t hanging out with married women. He went on to say that her single friends were no longer in the same space as she was in and to have a successful marriage she needed to not only hang out with married women but also hang out with women who actually have been married for a while.

Now, as a single woman who is currently going through shifts in my friendships as others settle into relationships, I immediately became defensive. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean his or her values are different A married woman can dismiss monogamy while a single woman can value it. Current relationship status does not correlate to morals or values. How dare he make such a blanket assumption?! But then I remembered the study that came out earlier this year.

Studies show that divorce is contagious within social networks. If you are in a social group of friends where one couple gets divorced, that decision can cause others to do the same. Not only can the divorce affect friends and family of the couple divorcing, but it can also affect relationships two degrees removed. The thought behind the study is marriage is hard. It’s not pretty and if others around you see divorce as an option, you will begin to see it as an option too. My own life played out similar to this study. Two years ago, my two close friends and I all went through major break ups within a two-week span. At the time we all thought it was just a coincidence but could it be possible that breaking up transferred between the three of us like a virus? Ironically (or not) the same happened around my ex boyfriend. After our break up, two of his friends began to go through serious break ups of their own.

So maybe Tyrese isn’t too off. There seems to be some validity in his request for Lala to be around married women. But I would take it a step further and add that it’s not just marriage status but more about being around like-minded women. Women who value maintaining a strong family foundation. We all know just being married doesn’t mean you got your priorities straight. Especially in LA.

Dr. James Fowler, the doctor that completed the study of divorce, also wrote Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks, a book about how we are all deeply affected by the people around us. Our connection to friends, family, and colleagues goes deeper than just our relationship status. Who we hang out affects our political views, what we we eat, and even how much we weigh. Therefore, Tyrese’s argument for Lala to be around women who are in the same stage of life really is good advice for everyone. We need to choose who we associate with wisely. Not on a superficial level but on a spiritual and intellectual level. We should choose our friends by what is important to us and who we want to be at that given time. Through life, morals and values change which only supports why friendships change through out time. Check out the people around you. Are they people that you respect? Are their lives in line with yours? Sure, it’s sad to see friendships come and go but in LaLa’s case, the effect of a wrong friendship is much stronger than it might appear.

DOUBLE TAKE - Looking at the 40 Year Old Man From A New Perspective

2010-09-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

If there is any running theme of my blog it is the fact that I end up admitting I’ve been wrong about a couple things. Maybe it’s just 2010 but I am realizing that a lot of perceptions I have had about men and dating… were not necessarily on point. Doesn’t mean I am always wrong… just means I am growing.

I’ve always said that if you meet a man 40 and over who hasn’t had a serious relationship – stay away. Something is obviously wrong with him. The thought was a man’s options for companionship are greater then a woman’s. Therefore, if a man can get to his 40’s without a failed long-term relationship or even a divorce, he must be tainted. If nobody wants him, why should you? Extremely judgmental, I know but what can I say- it’s not like my theory is based on improbable factors?

Earlier this week, I had a brief conversation with a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. The conversation turned to relationships and the maturity we have gained, as we have gotten older. I mentioned that there is a misconception about men (black men specifically) that they do not want to get into relationships and I don’t believe that is true. I think the reason that men are not pressed to be in relationships like women so often as is simply a numbers game + a whole bunch of deeper issues regarding race and financial stability. Often we overlook the facts that cause such a blanket statement like “men are not interested in settling down”. His point was that he wished he could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him that being worried about the club wouldn’t serve him years later. He wished that he had understood the value of family and relationships much earlier so that it was a priority for him. Building a family could possibly bring much more gratification then the cars, money, and status that he so much hoped for in his 20’s and early 30’s. He is not a father but he is in a relationship. He is a good man in his late 30’s with being 40 just days away.

His comment made me think of a moment I had at my grandmother’s house a couple years ago. I was at her farm in Mississippi, in her house that she was born in. A house that her 10 siblings all had been born in. A structure that quickly became the status of family for us all. Her home has been in my family for over 100 years. It just hit me; family had been the “dream” for her and others of her generation. That was the priority and the driving force of life. When family is an afterthought to career it doesn’t happen with the same level of success. For my friend, building the foundation for a strong relationship did not become important to him until later in his life simply because having money and having success was more important. Plus with the options in surplus when it comes to women, there was never a sense of urgency. He opportunity to have “faux”intimacy was easily available. Therefore his values didn’t change until his late 30’s. He also mentioned he wished he had examples of men around him that valued having a family and strong relationship when he was younger. Seeing someone his age with a lil mini me would have helped him to see the other side.

Then I started to think how could I blame these men for simply chasing what we know as the “American Dream”. Were bombarded by it every single day! Our figures of masculine and ultimate success are Puffy and Jay-Z! Thank you for Barack because now we have something else to counterpart the ideal. As I have experienced in my own relationship sagas, men without true stability in their careers are just unavailable to having a serious relationship that requires sacrifice and attention.

I find myself often chasing the same ideal of “success”. As some of my friends are beginning to panic about their window of chance to have children, I realize I don’t have that same alarm clock. At least right now I don’t right now. At the age of 31, obsessed with achieving success as a screenwriter, I might have similar ideals to my late 30’s male counterpart then I would like to admit. On this weeks season premiere of Parenthood, Joy Bryant’s character is living in NY dancing for Alvin Ailey while trying to hold together a relationship with Dax Shepard in California. She’s planning a trip to visit him and at the last minute she cancels the trip for a last minute audition. It was heartbreaking as I foresaw the inevitable- the relationship wasn’t going to last but it was so real, her dancing career is something she has been building since she was a child, the last thing she was going to do was blow a chance to do something she has been waiting her whole life for. I understood her.

All this to say that I can now see how a good man can find himself 40, single, and long list of short lived relationships coloring his dating past. It some ways I might prefer having a man who decided to try it with me then having a list of women he tried to make it work with and failed. We make the stipulations regarding race, age, and finances when it comes to relationships. That’s not made from God and truth is, the majority of what we are worried about and trying so hard to plan life against simply isn’t true unless we believe it.

FINALLY, HE SPEAKS TO ME - Thoughts on "For Colored Girls" Trailer

2010-09-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

The Broadway production poster of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf was in my aunt’s home when I was a kid. The image makes me think of her but more importantly, I have always considered the poster the illustration of what it means to be an African American Woman. Strong. Powerful. Bold. I have memories of seeing parts of TV Movie when I was barely four years old and I also read the book in college but I have never seen the play. Bits and pieces form my memory of Ntozake Shange’s play but I’ve always held the play very close to me and seen it as one of the very few pieces of art that Black Women could consider their own. So as you can imagine, when I heard that Tyler Perry was directing and writing I got nervous. And a little offended. This was not a piece of work that you can write in 3 days and then shoot in 4. This is not a movie you can throw towards a movie theater in hopes of a big opening weekend. For Colored Girl’s needed to be treated with care and praise. The thousands of black women who carried the same memory of the work like I did needed to be considered.

Today the trailer was released and I have to say, finally I feel like Tyler Perry is speaking to me. Even though I am a black female with spirituality, I never related to his characters or films. They felt just as foreign to my experience as The Royal Tenenbaums. The trailer presents an experience that I can possibly relate to. The story of various black women and their relationships in America. Of course the jury is still out but off of this trailer, I am going to this film and I am getting a group of women to go with me on opening weekend. I'm intrigued and a proud supporter.

Check out the trailer below:

WHY WE SCREW RELATIONSHIPS UP - ONE NIGHT WITH DR. PAT ALLEN

2010-09-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

I googled "Unhappy Couple" and this picture came up.

A girlfriend of mine had told me about Dr. Pat Allen. She had gone to her Monday night lectures and was blown away. I had heard Dr. Allen mentioned from both Marianne Williamson and Rev. Michael but I was already going to Agape on Sundays and then seeing Marianne every once in awhile on Tuesdays; did I really want to take in another lecture? Especially one on relationships? When do you have time for living if all you do is go listen to people talk? But I was curious, so I finally got my act together and went. The theater is a little odd and the crowd is so eclectic, you can’t make any sense out of where you are and what you’ve got yourself in to. But in just an hour and a half, believe it or not, all of my questions regarding relationships were answered.

Dr. Pat Allen is no joke. A 70-year-old white woman who isn’t afraid to give you the truth. There is no such thing as sugar coating in Dr. Pat Allen’s world. Honestly, she moves and thinks in a very liberal way that I’m blown away by her age! She’s more vibrant then many 30 year olds I know! And she’s been doing relationship counseling (aside from her therapy) for 36 years. If more people understood the communication patterns of men and women from her perspective, I’m telling you, besides romantic relationships, a lot of the conflicts of the world will be resolved.

What ran so true for me was that we all play a role in a relationship. The yin and yang. One person is yin, and the other is yang. But the problem is we often want to switch up the roles. Yin wants to be yang and then gets upset when yang isn’t playing yin. Are you following me? To make it simpler: In all relationships, regarding sexual orientation, gender or race, there is a male energy and a female energy. If one partner wants to exert their female energy they are more compatible with someone who exerts their male energy. But ever so often the one who is exerting the female energy will be upset that they are being asked to play the “female” role and then will want to be seen from a masculine perspective but still wanting to be treated from the female. All this to say, we are all confused and want to it all when essentially relationships just don’t play that way.

The lecture of course made me think of my past relationships. Years ago I fell in love with what she would describe as a “Peter Pan” - a man who loved to play but hated to work and naturally I took on the nurturing role. But I then got tired of being the nurture and wanted him to be a “man”. But he couldn’t be a “man” when he was fully committed to being “Peter Pan”. Of course this caused so much frustration and dissatisfaction. We all have the choice to change who and what we want in a relationship but we can’t be upset when our partner isn’t able to be different from who and what they are. Another example: If I fall in love with a “Sugar Daddy” I can’t be upset if all he does is show love through material possessions.

I think the real issue in relationships for a lot of women is that we want to play both roles. We want to be respected for our work. We lose ourselves in our careers but expect a man to cherish us and to lead us. The problem is we are so use to being the boss in other aspects of our lives we aren’t willing to give up leading, and are not interested in being with a man who has no issue with being lead. We’re all over the place and the uncomfortable truth is WE CAN NOT HAVE IT ALL. I am not saying we can’t have great careers, great husbands, and a wonderful social life. In that sense, yes, I believe we can have it all but we can’t play all roles. In relationships, someone is the yin and someone is the yang. Essentially, we choose one, play our role and we can’t complain about it.

The last thing that Dr. Pat Allen said that blew my mind was that we “can not commit ourselves to the person but we have to commit ourselves to the relationship”. What she is saying is that as human beings, we have tons of faults. We are far from perfect and are going to make mistakes. Therefore, when you enter a relationship, you can’t commit to who that person is because guess what? It is going to change. One day they will do something out of character, do the opposite of what they always promised therefore you have to commit yourself to having a relationship with that person and stay committed to the commitment.

I don’t know about you guys but that just clarified so many mistakes of my past and just gives me a real clear guideline to deciding what I want in the future. What role do I want to play? What kind of man do I REALLY want? I think more then often we don’t know what we want and end up looking for the wrong things. With a clear understanding of who we are and where we really want to go we will only be more equipped to choose the right relationship for us.

If you are in Los Angeles, please check out Dr. Pat Allen. Monday nights, 7pm to 8:30. It’s Men and Women. Gay, Straight. Singles. Couples. It’s for everyone. I guarantee it will be eye opening and at least… very interesting.

SIX SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

2010-09-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

Right now I am working on a rewrite of a script where a man is devastated of the loss of his marriage and goes through some drastic changes in hopes of them getting back together. But the problem is the relationship was over way before he realized it and he ends up chasing the memory of the good relationship that hasn’t been around for years. It’s amazing how much clarity we receive about relationships after the fact but when we are in them we can’t see a thing. Therefore, my mind started to create the following list…

Six Signs Your Relationship is Over Before You Know It:

YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX

Sure, couples go in and out of phases where they have more sex then others. But if the thought of sex hasn’t entered your mind then there is a problem. If someone else’s discussion about their sex life sparks the memory that you haven’t had sex with your partner is a long time…you’ve lost interest. This means you haven’t missed it. Sex has fallen off the radar and your boyfriend is quickly becoming a best friend.

HE DOESN’T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALL AND YOU IMMEDIATELY THINK HE IS CHEATING

I always said I would rather have my man cheat on me then become suspicious of it. I know that sounds odd but for anyone who has been cheated on, not being able to trust someone is excruciating, frustrating and damn right stressful. Every moment becomes a possible time of deceit. I remember waking a friend up at 6 am to come with me to spy on my boyfriend’s apartment building. Yeah – not one of my brightest moments. Therefore I’ve always valued the ability to trust my partner. The moment you can’t trust your partner for some reasons like not returning a phone call quickly enough is a sign that you two are going downhill.

You begin to embellish details of your relationship

If you start telling your friends about the amazing dinner he cooked for you when it was really just heating up Top Ramen leftovers you already have your foot out the door without even knowing it. You’re living in a fantasy of another relationship that is not yours. I can always tell when a friends relationship is going to last or not by if she is willing to tell the truth about it. When she’s able to complain about the small stuff and admit he’s not perfect as well as gush about him then I know she’s really in it. It’s the ones who are always happy and he is always perfect that always makes me wonder what’s really going on.

You lie to spend time by yourself

I remember when one of my boyfriend’s would stress me out so much that I would lie about having a work event just so I can spend time by myself. Being in a room without having to be around him was a release. Of course also a huge sign that the relationship was heading towards a break up and quick. Not that you have to want to be with your boyfriend all the time but when you start to enjoy being by yourself a lot more then being with him… it’s time to call it quits.

YOU START CONTACTING YOUR EX OUT OF THE BLUE

My last post was about being able to still be friends with your ex. I still believe in being friends with an ex is possible even if you are in a new relationship but I don’t think a constant check up and interest in what he is doing is a good sign. When you start making frequent check ups and wanting to hang out, you are obviously escaping from your current situation. It’s always more comfortable to be with someone who knows you then having to entertain the possibility of meeting someone new but when you start wanting to tell your ex about your new promotion before your current boyfriend, it might be time to rethink your situation.

You start fights on purpose

His socks being on the floor cause a huge blow out where you don’t speak for days. You complain that he’s spending too much time at work. He always wants to listen to his radio station in the car instead of considering what you want to listen to. When it feels like everything he is doing is wrong, you are looking for a way out. Sometimes it can be easier to make someone leave you then actually doing the hard work of break up.

I’ve always been amazed by couples that were together for years before they broke up. But the truth is we spend so much time in relationships in hopes that they will get better then leaving when they have ran it’s course. Terry McMillan tweeted today “We often fall in love with the wrong people and just don’t want to admit it because we’re too busy being in love.” I think the real gem is knowing when you are just going through a rough patch versus when knowing that things are so messed up there are not getting any better. I might not know the difference but what I do know is more often red flags start waving way before we actually are able to see them.

The Ex Factor

2010-09-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

The beauty of relationships: The one person that you thought was the greatest invention to walk this earth can easily become the one person you can’t stand to look at. I never could fully understand the idea of our past relationships simply become memories in a shoebox. Through our social understanding of breaking up, two people who were such an important factor in each other’s lives are to never speak again. I’m not sure if that is really the best thing for both people but it is what we do.

After the burn of a break up settles, I always have kept the possibility of contact with my exes open. Now, this is not about us hanging out like were best friends (even though I do that with some of them) but more about the door of communication never being locked. If I needed them for whatever reason or if I wondered how they were doing, I know I could reach out. Just like everyone else, I need my moment of distance to fully move on but also a huge part of moving on for me knows that we have forgiven, happily leaving our issues in the past. I once happily attended the wedding of an ex. Another ex even felt comfortable to call me for help in getting his current girlfriend’s engagement ring. Both men held a significant place in my life but the conversation was and has always been nothing but love. There was something that we mutually enjoyed and loved about the other and even though we are no longer in a relationship it doesn’t mean that connection no longer exists. It just means it exists in a new way.

Those that know me know I’ve never taken my relationships lightly. The men who I allow to enter my life as my so-called partner are people that I am deeply connected to. I don’t date people for the simple reason of dating. Relationships hold a very emotional and spiritual place in my life therefore when the relationship comes to an end; they have never been and will never be people who are disposable. My life does not move to a place as if they never existed.

I am a supporter of space and time to get over a failed relationship. There is no way to fully move on when people are friends and never create distance. But that doesn’t mean exes can’t not in due time be friends. On a spiritual level, exes are people who sometimes know you more than you know yourself. They are people who have shaped who you are and where you are going. I believe there is a beautiful reverence in that connection worth respecting.

As much as I am in communication with the majority of my ex boyfriends, there are a couple that want nothing to do with me. As much as it hurts, I try to take it as a compliment. The greatest indication of truly letting go is the ability to want nothing but the best for them. Regardless of time, space, and pain, the beautiful characteristics that drew me to my boyfriends of the past still remain. Even though it did not work out, I am thankful they gave love a try with me.

HOW TO DATE A WHITE GUY

2010-09-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

Friday night I had an “Aha Moment”.

I went to a house party with my close friend Cole. Anyone who has ever met him will never forget him. If that’s a good thing or a bad thing depends on the person and the interaction. As a good-looking, charming white boy, he’s a lover of women. Before meeting me he admitted to not having many black friends and now Cole has become an honorary member of my family. The most interesting thing about him is regardless of not being raised in a racially diverse area he’s beautifully ignorant to having preconceived notions regarding race. Sure he is possible of an ignorant racial comment like anyone else but when it comes to women, we are all just that-women. If he is interested no preconceived notion of race is going to stop him. And he is crazy confidence where anyone to him is fair game. This is the complete opposite of my interaction with other white men. Growing up in a racially diverse area, I have friends of all races but at an early age I somehow decided that white men weren’t really attracted to me. Not that I have really chased after them but somehow along the way I learned that black men were the ones that appreciated what I had to offer.

Because of this, black women who dated white men always baffled me. Through the years I have had plenty of friends with dark skin and big booties who get hit on by white men constantly. It’s like they have a secret GPS system – white men looking for a sista knew where to find her. Even though I have been attracted to white men and have had my occasional make out session, I’ve always left the reason to why I haven’t seriously dated outside of my race to "it's just not my thing”.

The other night when I went to meet Cole, I didn’t expect it to be a night that I would meet anyone simply because I knew the majority of the people there would be white. I was excited to hang with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. I was in a festive mood, I worked the room and had a really good time. But when we left, Cole commented on how many of his friends were all over me. As he saw it, I had caught the majority of the men’s attention the minute I walked through the door.

HUH?

Whatever he saw was the exact opposite of what I experienced. People of course were friendly but as I saw it nobody was checking for me. No one had given me that look; asked for my number, or flirted strong enough to make it known I was on his radar. But as Cole explained it, he might be confidently aggressive, but a lot of white men are not. Especially when it comes to Black women. What I learned that night was the guy who nicely commented on my perfume was actually flirting with me. And when he talked to me for the next 15 minutes about college he wasn’t just being friendly but actually showing me he was interested. The guy that asked me numerous times if I needed a drink wasn’t just being a good host. And the guy that talked to me about the epidemic of everyone around us having children wasn’t actually gay but giving me his version of game.

I use to a black man’s swag. He’s air of confidence, the strength in which he carries himself. If this confidence is real or not, he knows he has to approach without any sense of doubt. When you’re on his radar, it’s known. I know a black man’s language so well I don’t need to question if he is interested or not but what I am realizing is the obvious- you can’t expect the same approach from a white man!

All these years I’ve been expecting the same approach but white men essentially speak a different language. They are not as aggressive spend more time chatting, and need to receive a little more play from a woman before they make their interest known. So essentially, I have been hit on by a lot of white men but because I’m not privy to the advance, it’s completely gone unnoticed. And I am guessing I am not the only black woman who has missed this. I was approached by numerous men in one night and had no idea. The reason that they did not become possible dates was simply my fault; I never gave anyone the green light. There was even one guy I thought was cute. I actually thought when we were talking “ I bet he would be a fun date” but never saw him as a real option.

Sure there are exceptions to the rule and not all people in racial groups are exactly the same but we are all socially conditioned by where we group up and what we experience. Therefore, the lesson might seem to be about men and race, it’s really about how much we unconsciously block ourselves. As I sit back and think, I think I remember exactly that moment when I decided that white men were not interested in me. It was 9^th grade, very early in my first year in high school. I was walking with two of my friends after school, a White girl and an Asian girl. Some white kid who I didn’t know said, “Why are you walking with her?” I think my friends told him he was a loser and we kept on walking without missing a step but I believed I internalized that moment to exemplify that not everyone was going to get me and I wasn’t interested being around anyone who didn’t. That idiot became the poster child of all white men in my brain. One moment that probably lasted less then 30 seconds colored my perception of what others thought of me for nearly 20 years. A moment so powerful I lived my life without me being fully aware of it. This memory causes me to wonder about other memories, or false interpretations of experiences, that have painted similar unrealistic truth.

What I do know is that from now on when it comes to dating, every man IS an option until he’s not. This is exactly the opposite of how I have been playing the dating game for years. I’ve always waited for a man to show his interest essentially seeing my dating world, as every man wasn’t an option until they were. But life is way too short for that. The life I have always envisioned for myself has never been about limitations or boxed in expectations and here I have been living with them all along. So now… I am excited.

With my new shift of reality, dating can only be a whole new experience for me.

And hopefully… a lot more great stories to come…

MY LIFE - FOCUSED YET LOST

2010-09-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been so confused about my career and where I am going that it’s been hard for me to write about relationships. It feels trivial to ponder when I am going to meet someone when my career is at a place that requires me to stay focused on exactly where I want it to go. Plus… I’m not dating. I haven’t been on a date in over 4 months. I can’t tell you the last time a man approached me with any interest of taking me out. In a way, it’s been liberating to not think about that part of my life. Last weekend I went to Kiss N Grind MJ Birthday Event and danced all night. It was a much-needed release. Not to worry about how cute my outfit was, who was there and if he was looking my way. It was there with the pure motivation to dance (and to stare at my crush Questlove but that’s another post). While I was there I saw a friend who looked fierce - bangin stilettos, amazing earrings, great make up but she was pissed. She hung out near the side mad that none of the men in the room were asking the women to dance. Truthfully, I was too busy listening to the music to even notice. And I was extremely grateful for that. For months I made finding a date such a focused pursuit that I found myself unhappy. Mad that I put my best fit on and nobody noticed. Mad that again on a Friday night I was home alone. Pissed off that the blind date that I had was a waste of time and energy. Now giving all of that energy up I feel more relaxed, more free to worry about my writing career and honestly, more freedom to focus on my creativity.

The only problem is that I actually would like to date. I’m probably one of the few people that actually enjoys going on a first date – knowing nothing about the person across from me and wondering what this chance meeting is going to bring. I just don’t like putting focused energy on dating to make it happen. I miss the days of my 20’s where literally I would meet men all the time. Sure, half of the men that I was open to going out with were mistakes but there was a freedom and an overall sense of possibility and ease that allowed meeting people to feel of abundance. I think somewhere around our 20’s, for men and women, it begins to feel meek and exhausting. Dating doesn’t feel so easy anymore.

As I explained to my Life Coach that I want to start dating again but I wasn’t interested in making it such a focused effort, she explained to me that for people my age, you can’t just relay on meeting someone as you walk through your daily life. Especially for a woman like me, in her early 30’s with an interest in having children one day, I needed to put a concentrated effort in that section of my life – just like I do for my career. She suggested that if it’s not online dating (which I have already told you how much I hate) that I should make a list of meet up groups, and visit happy hours by myself. But when did dating become such a task? Where is the fun and spontaneity of meeting someone when it becomes just as taxing as creating your dream career?

I have no interest in doing any of what she suggested and honestly I don’t know how you could approach dating in that matter and actually have fun. But I am beginning to worry. Is my reluctance to approach dating which just as much focus and thoughts as my career just another example of how the modern day woman has traded in love for career success? Just like Paula Patton’s character in JUST WRIGHT, I’ve known women who decided what kind of men they wanted and placed every effort into becoming the woman that man would want. There wasn’t any interest in their career or establishing who they are independently from whom they are with. And guess what? Those women got exactly what they wanted. But I do know other women who did what I am doing. Practiced being the best version of themselves and after years of doubt and worry, they did find someone just as I hope to. The only problem is as much as I want to refute every ounce of my life coach’s theory, there is a part of it that I can’t ignore- I don’t meet people as easily and effortlessly as I did when I was younger. How much can I expect to experience life as I did years ago when things have changed?

Or maybe the truth is finding someone is just not that important to me. As I get older I wonder how important is getting married and having kids in relation to fulfilling my life long dream of screenwriting. Honestly, if a genie showed up today and held a husband and kids in one hand and the career of my dreams in the other I don’t know which one I would choose.

All I know is I have no interest in throwing on a pencil shirt, heels and a clutch to stand in a room full of men by myself on a Wednesday night looking for the next catch. I enjoy the freedom I experience in my life at the moment as I focus on making my dreams come true. And part of that dream is the day I am sitting in front of my computer, deep within a story only to look up and find myself recognizing a man that I have yet to meet. Call me a homeless romantic or call me a woman who knows my path so strongly that there is no reason to waver.

CRY BABY CRY

2010-08-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am a modern woman. Never asked for a man to take care of me and never wanted to settle when it comes to my career or love. Still, I believe when it comes down to the basic fundamentals of any relationship, all women want the same thing: to be loved and understood. The problem is what people interpret to be love is completely different.

Over the weekend, my blog post about Elin started a small debate on my facebook page. As one friend argued that we need to stop raising our men with the inability to cry and think with their hearts, another friend argued that women do not have any interest or respect for a man that is in touch with his “inner pussy”. And then the question was raised – Would I be ok with a man who came home from a day of being beaten up, pushed, and tried and started to cry on my shoulder?

The question was insinuating that no woman in her right mind would be ok with that. As much as I am not interested in a man who falls apart at adversity, my experience has allowed me to grow and appreciate a man who is able to fully express himself emotionally. I want to know that my man feels safe enough in our relationship to say when he is scared, unsure, or even tired. And more importantly I want to be with a man who isn’t afraid to need me. So the answer is yes- I would be ok with the man that came home and cried on my shoulder.

From day one, I’ve always been attracted to strong men. Self made men. Men who are entrepreneurs, their own thinkers, leaders of the pack. I grew up in a home where the men sat in the front seats of the car. My father made the crucial decisions for the family and if anything went wrong we knew Dad could and would take care of it. I myself want the same for my future family. To be with a man who takes a strong leader role, someone that I could fully trust with my children and my best interest.

Some how we have raised men to believe that a “real man” abandons any ability to feel or evoke emotion. Unfortunately, I have never found that stoic man of only a few words to be sexy, attractive, or my perfect vision of a “real man”. In some ways tears can be the symbol of more strength then ever imagined. If my man needs to cry, I want to be the one person that will allow him to do so. I want to be the one person that will not cast judgment- able to love him and respect him through that moment.

But please notice it’s a MOMENT. I heard a woman once say she was looking for an “enlightened cowboy”. In some ways, I’m looking for that Intellectual Thug. He must embody a sense of confidence and swag that commands attention, a smile and a laugh that is infectious, read the New York Times, listens to NPR and KRCW, knows the works of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ishmael Reed, Jamaica Kincaid, loves to work out but is not afraid to eat a chocolate cake, enjoys PJ Harvey just as much as he enjoys Aloe Blacc. He must be someone that I can share everything with but someone that no matter where I go, I know I am protected.

The writers who argue the “Pussification of the American Male” are correct. We are beginning to bread a more sensitive man. We’ve become a country where we don’t ridicule our President for crying over the death of his grandmother. A place where a football star can cry on national television about never meeting his own son. I support this new emotionally evolved man. The man who understands that anger and oppression is only going to lead him somewhere that doesn’t help our family or me. A man who understands that being emotional healthy could possibly be the best type of protection and support one could give himself and his family.

In my eyes, a real man is never afraid to cry.

Come on Elin.... NO IDEA?

2010-08-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s newly ex wife, told People Magazine that she had no idea that he was cheating on her. To find out about one affair was a complete shock, let alone many. But I have a really hard time believing this statement - Can a woman really have NO IDEA that her man is cheating on her?

As a woman that has been cheated on, I don’t believe that you never have any idea. I believe we always know something is wrong we just choose to believe what we want. No one wants to believe their boyfriend/husband can easily cheat on them therefore when the first red flag shows up we more than often give it a pass. We try to remain rational… “He does have a faulty phone battery” or “He says they are just friends”. We don’t want to be the jealous girlfriend so we take our fear, put it to the side and do what any good perfect wonderful woman would do- trust her man. And then something goes wrong again. This time it’s an email or a phone call in the middle of the night. It’s something bigger then the first that even your girlfriends are looking at you sideways. But regardless of the evidence, no one wants to believe that the man laying up next to them, holding their hand, looking into your eyes would literally lie so eloquently and effortless to your face.

But Ladies, even in every episode of denial, we always know the truth. There is no doubt that we as women have a real true sense of intuition. Our intuition always shows up, even when we don’t want it to. Tiger didn’t cheat with one woman. He cheated with so many that there are multiple reports of the true number. There are rumors of him even fathering a couple children. To be that busy, he would have to have a couple nights of not picking up the phone or evenings where he was one place and showed up at another. Honestly, for how bad he screwed up, I don’t believe he was that good at covering his tracks that his cheating was undetectable. Plus, I swear men always act different after they’ve spent considerable time with another woman. Patterns change, sex drives alter. When another woman enters your relationship, it’s just never the same.

I’m sorry Elin, if it’s cheating, lying or even the fact that the relationship is not working, we always know. We might spend years in denial or fight to make it right but at the bottom of our hearts under all the crap lies the truth. I am not insinuating that Elin is lying but I don’t believe she is being a 100% truthful. She’s not remembering that small moment where that little voice told her something aint right.

Later in the interview Elin goes on to say that “a marriage without trust and love wasn’t good for anyone”. I throw an imaginary high five her way for having the courage and strength to stand up for the relationship she wants and deserves.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED AT A BABY-BACHELORETTE-BRIDAL SHOWER

2010-08-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

"In life we often don't know where we are going until the day we arrive"

This weekend I celebrated the recent life events of a good friend. In just six months she fell in love, became pregnant, got married, changed careers, and is moving to another country. It was only last December when we went on a Beverly Hills hotel bar crawl as we drank away our sorrows over our recent love loss. She met her husband when she was least expecting it. Of course her life has changed dramatically fast, but the one thing that I admire is how calm she is. She carries a beautiful confidence about her present and future that honestly, I have never seen her carry before. It’s a stillness that I usually don’t see in many women even when they have been with their boyfriends/fiancé’s for years. Her elegance regarding her life reminds me how much it is a waste to worry. In December she was just three months from being swept off her feet, worried about when her life was going to change. And just a few months later her life did change - in a way far beyond what she could have even imagined.

It just reminds me how much we really don’t know about our future. Sure we have a list of the things that we want. Goals that we need to accomplish. But more often that list has really nothing to do with we need or really what we deserve. As I looked around the room at the baby-bachlorette-bridal shower I took in where all of my friends were just 5 years ago and where we all are now. 5 years ago we were all with men that we are no longer with or even thinking about. Some of us have changed careers, moved out of the state – all of us are living lives that we really could not have predicted.

My girlfriend’s story reminds me that we really don’t have much to worry about. Especially when it comes to love. Love shows up when it’s suppose to. You can’t force it, dress it up or even hold on it when it’s ready to go. As my father says “when it comes to the matters of the heart, nothing is rational nor predictable”. I often find myself wondering if I will ever find someone. Is my single status permenant? Am I the only lucky person God has chosen to be alone for the rest of my life? And then I think of my friend who just went to her friends wedding- an event that had been marked on the calendar for months unknowing that in that event dedicated to someone else will be the day her life would change.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I do know worrying about it really isn’t going to get me anywhere. Reliving my past and my decisions isn’t really going to get me there any faster either. I do remember being happily in my last relationship and thinking: this is it. This is the moment where all of my past mistakes and failed relationships finally make sense. I remember thinking extremely thankful for my horrible exes because if I didn’t endure them who know if I would be able to recognize the greatness of the man that I was with then. I think my friend has reached a similar moment where all of the confusing and frustrated times of the past finally are given a tangible reason. I look forward to experiencing that moment once again.

THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE

2010-08-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine going through a breakup argued that we are all not guaranteed to finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with, therefore instead of expecting love in our lives we should be working on preparing on being alone for the rest of our lives. I argued if we prepare to be alone, we will be alone. We all can have what we want in life – it’s the idea that we know when it’s going to come or what it looks like that gets us in trouble. We all can fall in love and have the partners we’ve always wanted. It’s only if we really believe it or not. Broken hearted and bitter, he told me I’m an optimistic and only going to end up disappointed. He and his broken heart is the perfect example of my point.

WE ARE ALL SINGLE FOR A REASON

We all hate that question: “So why are you single?” No one really has an answer for that and does the person asking the question REALLY want to know? See, the truth is, no one is just single BECAUSE. We all have problems. Issues. Hold Ups. And all of that affects us from meeting someone or more importantly affects our choice of a partner. We’ve all heard it before, a professional woman, at the top of her game, heartbroken she is alone. She lists all of her accomplishments, her income, and the property she owns as examples of why she is a good catch. Somehow along the way we decided that career success means that you somehow deserve and expect to find the perfect relationship. Unfortunately, holding down a job has nothing to do with holding down a relationship. If we’re single and don’t want to be, we got an issue or two to get through that we are not trying to work on. Often we are so focused on finding “Mr. or Mrs. Perfect” that we miss the opportunity to be the person our ideal would want to be with.

This idea that we are all on some type of timeline needs to end. Women don’t need to have children by 33; men don’t need to have their careers in order by 29. We all are on our own path and have our own milestones to figure out. In each mistake, set back or disappointment is a lesson for us. Never are we simply just a victim in life’s mishaps. With get lesson and personal growth I think we slowly become the person who is the perfect match for our perfect partner.

So when you are asked that dreadful question, “Why are you single?” Know there is a reason. The person asking doesn’t need to know but as long as we are self-aware to know that we all got some work to do, life will take care of the rest.

"BLACK GIRL, I LOVE THE WAY YOU SMELL" - IS THERE REALLY A DIFFERENCE WHEN IT COMES TO RACE?

2010-08-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

I figured since I was on Match.com, I needed to give it a considerate attempt. I had been on it for a couple months and nothing had materialized other then a couple exchanged emails and failed attempts to meet for a date. But then there was Greg. He was white, with a ken doll smile. He had a couple headshots as profile pictures so I figured he was an actor. He wasn’t necessarily my type but there was no arguing- he was cute. Greg was extremely interested and as soon as we exchanged phone numbers he called immediately and asked if by chance I was available to go out the next evening. As much as I wanted to say no, the voices of my girlfriends infiltrated my thoughts. I need to be more open and down to have some fun. So… I was open.

Greg picked me up at my house that night. It wasn’t necessarily the safest choice to have a random man pick me up but I was being adventurous- differentiating myself from over analytical Areca. We went to a nice bar lounge not to far from my house. Greg had a nice demeanor but this horrible laugh. It was just loud and… unnecessary. The kid of laugh that made the whole room turns and asks “WTF”? But the odd thing was Greg had no idea. Not sure how but the man was just unaware of the stares and looks. That’s when I should have known Greg had a problem with boundaries. As we got through the small talk of where we were from and what we did Greg sipped on his courage juice. It didn’t take him too long to become bold enough to tell me how much he “loved black women”. See, Black women were “his thing”. Men like Greg are the exact reason why most black women are hesitant to date outside of their race. We don’t want to be sexualized because we are “different” – the exotic sexual conquest in a white man’s world. His new toy to play with that shows how hip, cool, and down he was. But Greg had no problem with voicing how much he loved black women’s bodies, our “attitudes” and how good we are in bed. Of course Greg saw no problem with his stereotypical list of qualities unaware that I could possibly be offended by anything he was saying. This was just his preference and besides he loved the way black women smelled. Yes, smelled. According to Greg, Black Women just smelled better than white women. Our smell was “rich, sexy, and just… good”. He curled up his nose as he described the smell of his Caucasian sisters. He threw all black women into one box labeled smell and reduced our culture and history to something so trivial as odor. I was done. Pissed off and livid I was ready to go home. But like we earlier established, Greg’s social skills were off. Instead of understanding the date was over, Greg decided to put his nasty face in my neck and too a whiff. It took a push and a “GET THE HELL OFF OF ME” for Greg to understand the date was over.

Later as I told my friends about the crazy man and his offensive comment about black women and smell, my girlfriends who have dated outside of their race shrugged their shoulders and hesitantly admitted that Greg is right… we do smell differently. They all agreed, black men and white men just smell differently and there is a commonality in odor when it comes to race. Years have gone by since their horrible date and I still am not ready to believe that racially we all have a specific odor. As many people I ask they all agree- it’s safe to say racially we all share a specific smell.

Now Greg might have a black girl fetish and slight alcohol problem but was he wrong or offensive for loving black women for their smell? A girlfriend of mine who has dated the rainbow has said in the most calm and endearing way how much she loves the smell of Indian men. Sure, I understand that individually we have are own smell but is it possible as a racial group we all smell the same? And seriously, isn’t it offensive to say you love a specific culture for the way they smell? Aren’t there a lot more other qualities to choose from?

The whole thing just sounds odd to me and honestly, Greg has made it a little hard for me to really trust the true interest from another white man. There are crazy people out there from all different races and cultures but this black woman is not interested in being loved because of how exotic and different I am. Sure, I want to be loved for being unique but lets not have those qualities limited to esthetics.

Is Greg crazy? Do black women and white women smell differently? Is it politically correct to say you are sexually attracted to the odor of a racial group?

5 RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES NEVER TO REPEAT

2010-08-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

I know it might be hard to believe but yes, I’ve made some mistakes in my life. I’ve done some stupid things that are hard to forget. Decisions so memorable they are even harder to repeat. That’s the great thing about a new relationship. The opportunity to start over with a clean slate. These are the moments to be thankful for your ex boyfriend – thankful to mess things up with the wrong guy so you can get it right with the next guy.

#1 NEVER ASK “WHAT ARE WE”?

In every relationship is the moment when you move from casual into something serious. But that shift should be evident to both of you. If it happens for you and you’re wondering if it is happening for him- I can answer that for you- it’s not. See, “what are we” shouldn’t be a question. Sure, it should never be assumed but if you have no idea where your wanna be boyfriend is with you then I’m afraid you two are not in the same place.

#2 EVEN IF IT’S OPEN – DON’T EVEN THINK OF LOOKING

Everyone’s got a past. Everyone’s got some stuff you don’t need to know. This goes for men and women. So it you are looking for information you don’t know...you’re going to find it. Even if his blackberry is sitting there or his facebook account is open on his desktop. DON’T LOOK!! I’m telling you; it’s only going to end up bad, bad, bad. Even if you don’t necessarily find anything. You’re always going to wonder and now snooping has become an easy option. Once you start, it’s hard to ever stop- and trust is forever out the window. In most cases when you got issues and you wish you knew more? What you already know is always just enough.

#3 NEVER ASK FOR A KEY

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. We had been dating for 6 months and were serious. It was his birthday and a friend from out of town wanted to surprise him. So the idea was to get inside his place when he wasn’t there. I didn’t even think twice that getting a key could be a problem. We’ve met each other’s families, exchanged “ I love yous”, met friends, etc. There was nothing for me to worry about. So I handed him a copy of my key and asked for his. He froze. And then began to stutter. He needed to have a conversation about “what exchanging the key’s meant”. Huh? I was at his place multiple times a week and had been there for hours when he wasn’t around yet the key was still not that easy for him to give up. Men are just sensitive and controlling about “their space”. Even when it doesn’t make any sense. In most cases, he probably thought about it and is on his way to give it to you but a man can’t be rushed to be anywhere he’s not ready to be. They have to hand over the key when they are ready. Even if it’s after you.

#4 NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU BEFORE 30 DAYS

Sure this might seem simple and obvious but I had to learn this one a couple of times. No matter how good it feels or how great he is, never say “I love you” too early. Even if he is feeling the same way. See, after a month or even two months his “representative” is still around and so is yours. You got to see if that “love you” is still easy to say when they piss you the hell off. Saying I love you before even really knowing each other only means you’re caught up and not thinking right. Its not that I don’t think you can really fall in love with someone quickly, I just know it takes a lot more time to know if it’s real.

#5 DINNER AND A MOVIE? RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN

If a guy wants to take you out to a dinner and a movie as a first date, he’s either not that interested or just damn boring. Either way, he’s not someone worth dating. Using the standard format of dating you used in high school only means he didn’t put too much thought into taking you out. He’s just going through the motions. You’re either already labeled a rebound or he’s doing someone a favor. The same goes for a lunch date. Sorry ladies, it’s a sure sign he’s not that excited and who wants to spend time with someone who’s not excited about spending time with you? PASS

# 5.2 DON'T RETURN GOOD JEWELRY

This one is a special one because it has to do with the end of a relationship. If a man has given you nice expensive jewelry during your relationship, DON'T RETURN IT! No matter how mad you are or how much the jewelry reminds you of everything that went wrong, tuck it away or give it to a friend. There will be a day when the emotion is no longer there and it will become just a beautiful piece of jewelry. Every woman deserves beautiful jewelry even if it's from an ex boyfriend. Damn... I miss that necklace.

Sure there are exceptions to every rule but all 5 mistakes I know will keep me out of trouble and heartbreak. What are your never to return to mistakes? What are the relationship no no’s you are guaranteed to never repeat?

CIAO BELLA BELLA - MY DAYS AS A BLACK WOMAN IN ITALY

2010-08-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

The truth is stereotypes are more often true then not (don’t shoot the messenger). Black people are late, white people cant dance, and yes… Italian men love them some black women. It’s a legendary tale but if you have been a black woman in Italy… you’ve seen, felt it, and loved it. If you ever need an ego boost or even wondered what if felt like to be Kim Kardashian for a day… go to Italy.

My first experience as a Black Girl In Italy was straight out of college backpacking in Europe (yes, some black folks do it too). Everywhere I went in Venice, I would hear “bella…bella”. Sure it was nice at the beginning but after awhile the looks and stares began to make me feel like an object – a caged animal being stared at the zoo. I was such a spectacle on that trip I was asked 4 different times to take pictures with strangers. It’s odd, weird, flattering, and offensive all at the same time.

In 2007, I returned to Italy. On my first European tour, I fell in love with the country and knew I wanted to go back. So I went to Sorrento, a small beachy town in Southern Italy and stayed with an Italian family while I studied the language and wrote for 6 weeks. It was my first time traveling by myself. I was extremely excited and found the experience liberating but I was also curious, what about the moments when I didn’t want to be alone? How do you meet friends? But there I was, fresh from the airport on the train from Naples to Sorrento and a small Italian man was starring at me. His name was Danielle. He spoke perfect English and invited me to his “American Bar” in Sorrento. The next night, not knowing a soul in the city I went to Danielle’s bar and for the next six weeks it became my Peach Pit. Wherever I went, the men found me intriguing. Fabio, one of the bartenders in the bar, became my “personal tour guide” with trips to Positano on the back of his scooter and dinners at secluded restaurants in the hills. Nelo, a student moonlighting as an hotel concierge took me to Massa Lubrense and nightly walks in the city. I even had Phillip, a semi stalker while I was there. Phillip was nice and harmless but I swear to God he must of put some time of GPS system on me because whenever I was alone, he would show up on his scooter, with a flower asking questions about my day. Even when I took a weekend trip to Capri I met Giampero, the gorgeous owner of one of the oldest hotels on the Island.

All this attention happened when I wasn’t at my smallest or most fit. Even happened at time in my life when at the end of a bad relationship and I wasn’t the most confident. At times the attention was aggressive and came when I wasn’t interested. Once I followed what seem to be a nice guy to a beach that only locals knew about. It was gorgeous but the Dude wouldn’t take no for answer. Too aggressive, I left but realized I wasn’t too sure how to get back to the city. Although it’s nice to cause heads to turn when the majority of the times in your life people don’t look twice, it became overwhelming. Honestly, a small part of me understood when gorgeous women complain about only being seen as objects and for not being the person that they are.

I returned back to the States with a confidence that I never had before. Often we question are worth when rejected. But rejection didn’t hit me so hard after my trip. Who cares if these damn American men aren’t excited about me, at least I know I got fans in Italy. In an odd way it reminded me that just because one person isn’t interested, doesn’t mean the next one is not. People’s taste and ideals of beauty vary; therefore what’s not cute to someone is the personification of perfection to another. The other night as a group of my girlfriends had dinner in an Italian restaurant, one of the waiters noticed my broken Italian and asked if I “needed someone to help me with the language”. Ahhh… You can take the man out of Italy but you can’t take Italy out of the man.

I have found memories of Italy. The liberation of traveling alone, the personal growth and yes… the men. Every black woman down on her luck felling underappreciated needs to plan a trip. I’m telling you… it’s worth it.

** I blogged during my time in Sorrento. Click HERE to read.

"KEEP IT MOVIN, I'M GETTIN SOME" - NEW YEARS EVE, BEST FRIENDS, AND SEX

2010-08-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

New Years Eve has always been a special holiday for me. In some ways it’s my favorite holiday. I love the fact that everybody is down to celebrate. Everyone is ready to party, get dressed up and have the time of their life. On the sentimental side, I love the idea of bringing in the New Year with the people that you love and want to share the next year with. It symbolizes the mystery of the year ahead and whom you want to enter the New Year with. That’s why I always love to spend it with my girlfriends.

One New Years Eve, we took too long to actually plan something fabulous and ended up getting drunk and eating weed brownies. Anyone who knows me knows this was an odd celebration. No heels, no dress, no great dinner. Just weed, champagne and 10 grown women acting crazy. The great thing about New Years Eve is you have no idea what the night is going to bring and honestly this New Years Eve was one of the most memorable. Not because I was high out of my mind but for what happened in the middle of the night when essentially the party was over. At least I thought. Hours after we passed out my friend got a call from the guy she was dating. He was coming over after the club so she decided to wake me up, give me a blanket, and asked me to park it on the couch. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said at the time but I do remember waking up the next morning pissed. You’re going to wake up me, your girl, for some guy who has no shame in the fact that he’s coming over just to hit? It’s not that I’m a snob about where I sleep. Bed or couch, as long as I get to do what I’m there to do, sleep. The issue is that fact that moving me for literally 15 minutes of drunken sex is an option. Years, have gone by since this incident I’m still perplexed over the choice. Never wake up your girl. If sex is that important, have sex in the living room, kitchen, car, and bathroom wherever. Literally, my mind doesn’t even work like that. If I needed to have sex at the moment, I don’t think I would consider waking my friend. I’d probably have him pick me up or get real creative on finding our spot.

The problem is, I’m literally, the minority on this issue. Other girlfriends don’t see what the big deal is. “It’s just sex and she didn’t throw me out of the house”, “All you had to do was sleep on the couch” have been various replies. But I guess my issue is, the choice. The fact that a man, or sex, depending how you look at it, has more priority over me. Sure, I’ve made stupid mistakes before and have chosen being with a man over my girls a couple of times but honestly, I’ve never been okay with this decision. In some ways, I believe that I have valued my friendships over my possible love relationships to a fault. One New Years Eve when I was actually in a serious relationship and went home with him for Christmas and returned back to LA early because I wanted to be at my friends impromptu wedding on New Years Eve. Sure, I missed him but I didn’t think it was right to choose this man, who I loved dearly but essentially only knew for months, over a special moment in my girlfriends life that I knew for years. Ironically, the girlfriend and I actually just patched things up after months of not speaking but still I thought it was right to be there. Sure, missing a wedding and kicking your girl out of the bed for sex aren’t necessarily comparable decisions but some reason getting kicked out of that bed has always bothered me. Today we laugh about it but I’m still in awe that the majority of my girls say they would do the same.

In ways I’m the most romantic of my friends but I’ve always found interesting how much we as a society value love and relationships. Especially me. My self worth is in question at the end of a relationship. Regardless of the love and support of friends and family, I question my progression in life when I’m not dating. Logically, it doesn’t make sense that our potential partners, even if we’ve been with them for years get top billing to our friends, family and careers. But we all do it in the name of love. I can’t speak for my friend but I would argue that the decision was based in the possibility of love- not just sex. She liked this guy and was invested in one day having a relationship with him.

Who knows…

Am I just a sensitive chick? Would you kick your friend out of the bed for a potential booty call?

IS IT POSSIBLE? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BE HAPPY SINGLE?!

2010-08-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

I've reached a very... surreal... point in my life. I've been here before but it's not a space I arrive to often. Finally after a year of frustration, I'm at a point where I'm not at all worried about my love life. I don't think about when or where am I going to meet someone, is he interested? or will he call? The odd part of being settled in this moment is once I begin to notice my so called contentment... I freak out. I'm completely okay with my single status that I am freaked out that I am not freaked out! Have I gotten so comfortable with being alone that I no longer expect anything else? I've gotten so okay with being single that I prefer being here alone then dating someone that I am not extremely interested in or someone with an ounce of drama around them. Have I reached a place of contentment that mirrors surrender? Hello... to the rest of my life alone. Without an extreme want to change my social life will it ever change?

I'm scared that I am not scared of being alone.
* I know I am completely out of my mind but this is how my mind oddly works.*

Right now my dating life is completely barren. No possible prospects, not even the guy that can't take a hint that I'm not interested. Because it is sooo quiet... at times I feel like this obviously intended. Everytime I make a conscious effort to date, somthing disasterious happens. It's like God has made a decision for me. I aint suppose to be dating right now for whatever reason. But once my life coach (everyone should have one!) mentioned that people put more effort into thier careers then finding the right person to spend the rest of thier lives with. So I wonder, is finding a partner just as labor intensive as finding your dream job? Interesting enough, I feel like I arrived at this point in my life because I made a conscious effort to put my energy and focus on my career. Not that both can't happen at the same time but my love life doesn't feel as "controlled" as my career decisions can be. Am I crazy to think my love life will figure itself out without me having to do much work? I wouldn't do that with my career. Take a seat and wait for my dream job to show up. Am I out of my mind to think the same is possible when it comes to love? Should I put in the work in my dating life like I do with my career? Make a list of possible places to find a man? Hand my card out to possible prospects or network with the right people who possibly would know the kind of guy I am looking for? I mean, that just sounds crazy as I write it?! But guess what? I know plenty of people where that approached worked for them. They set out a date, made a list and found someone under thier intention (if you haven't seen it, there's a woman in texas that has planned a wedding and hopes to find a man by that time). But I would argue that approach is more about finding SOMEONE then finding the right person. And honestly, I am far from interested in finding just someone.

Am I an ill fated romantic that believes love is so invested with fate and timing that I don't need to do anything but wait for it to appear?

Right now all I am doing is being the best version of myself. Completely invested in making my life what I want outside of my romantic pursuits. I can say I am 100% authentically myself. Isn't that all I can really do? I feel like my love life will follow whenever it damn well feels like it.

Am I enlightened or just too damn lazy?

MONTANA FISHBURNE - IT'S ALL ABOUT MY DADDY

2010-08-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago, I was working on a book project regarding Black Women and the relationship with their fathers. When I started to talk to women about it they all had stories and willing to talk about it for hours. Regardless of the relationship with your father, good, bad, complicated, or absent, it’s shaped you as a woman in more ways then one. I can’t help but go back to the stories and the discussions during that time period when I read about Montana “Chippy D” Fishburne and her new career as a porn star. Oddly with Fishburne as a last name and one of the most respected actors in the game as her father, Chippy D believes porn is her way in to becoming a star. As transparent as it is, this decision has nothing to do with being an actress or fame. When other women have just ignored their father or write them a letter when they are mad, Montana has decided to make a public plea for attention. I doubt that Montana herself is aware, but this is all about Daddy. Who knows the details of their relationship but Montana is mad. And she’s probably not even aware how upset she is. Her public act to show him how much she doesn’t need him is only highlighting how much more she needs his guidance and attention.

But a woman’s relationship with her father goes far beyond just her decisions with sex and dating. It can shape your career decisions, your relationship with money, and even your relationship with your own mother. In some ways, I would argue this one relationship could be more detrimental then a woman’s connection with her mother. While a woman’s relationship with her mother is often valued as unconditional, a woman’s self worth is often derivates from her father. If Daddy is in the home or not he is often the disciplinarian, the one who tells you if you have been good or not. While men are raised to become a “man” and determine who they are outside of their family, women are often raised to value her father’s beliefs. Even when a father isn’t present in a woman’s life, the absence itself carries a direct correlation to her worth. Why he is or isn’t around is internalized to be about her.

I am far from a scholar on this subject, just a woman deeply connected to my relationship with my father. The good bad and the ugly of it. Without even meeting Montana, I’m empathetic to her struggle to be her own person outside who her father is. The only problem is, she’s making decisions she’s only going to regret publicly. And especially at her age, she needs him so much more then she wants to admit. If it is at all possible, lets try not to make this girl a joke. Instead, see her as an example of how important a man’s role is in his daughter’s life. Men, hug your daughters and hold her close. Women, look at how your relationship with that first man in your life has shaped you. If it’s caused any struggle or pain please address it. Unfortunately, as Montana is going to learn, it doesn’t just go away.

WHAT DOES YOUR DATING PREFERENCES SAY ABOUT YOU?

2010-08-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

Only recently I realized I like big men. Not really fat (though I have been there before) but men of “size”. The only problem is they have to also work out. Not crazy work out but value getting off the couch and being active. I also don’t like skinny men, short men, and men who have too much power. I love men who are creative, entrepreneurial, value family, love to travel, men who are social and like to read.

Preference:

1: the power or opportunity of choosing

 2: one that is preferred 

3: the act, fact, or principle of giving advantages to some over others

As I look at my choices, those that I give advantages to over others, I realize they have a lot more to do with me then the man that I am looking for. If anyone took the time to examine what I like they could probably learn more about my past experiences then I would like them to know. Pretty much my preferences show what I value. And what I value comes from experiences that I had that I enjoyed as well as those moments that I never plan to experience again (Tip # 1: Never date a broke rapper). The problem is, our preferences are not only reflections of what we have experienced but also more importantly reflections of what we interpreted from the experience. Are you following? Two people can have the same experience but interpret it in two different ways. Happens all the time with siblings. Siblings can experience divorce. One learns to value a strong marriage- the type of marriage their parents didn’t have while the other values autonomy-never having to rely on other only to be disappointed. My point is when your preferences are all about you, how important are they to dating? Can our thoughts about our past, block us from our future?

I know I don’t like standing next to a skinny or small man. It makes me uncomfortable on many levels. It all goes back to what I feel about my size and never liking to feel like “the big girl”. Is it safe to say that I couldn’t be happy in a relationship with a man a few inches shorter then me? I like men who are creative, often men who have unconventional careers. Again, I think this choice is all about feeling safe in my choice to be a writer. Am I overlooking a possible great relationship with a CPA?

On the other side, your preferences also show what works for you. Regardless of where they come from, you know it’s what makes you comfortable so why order Salmon when you know you don’t like fish? I know dating a Republican is just not going to work for me. I don’t respect their values and more importantly, what the hell would we agree on?

My point is, what does your preferences say about you? Which of them are trivial and which ones of them really do matter when it comes to finding a suitable partner? So often are preferences are established from fear then really about lifestyle and morals. I recently met a woman who won’t date men who can’t dress. She went out on a date with a guy who wore a trench coat. With a belt. Inspector Gadget and it wasn’t Halloween. Sure, I get it, not sure I’d be excited to go out with him again but really… the jacket comes off. Does knowing how to dress have anything to do with what makes a great partner?

Check it out for yourself. What are your preferences that you can’t live without and what are the ones that you might give a pass to?

Maybe I should be open to dating a Republican… Um, no….maybe I should not.

MEN ARE MADE FOR POLYGAMY - AND OTHER STUPID IDEAS SOME MEN WANT US TO BELIEVE

2010-07-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

I recently went to a relationships panel. A friend of mine was putting together a sizzle reel about two men giving love and relationship advice. I was actually excited to attend because lord knows I like to argue with the best of them. Especially when it comes to relationships and what the hell is wrong with people these days. Unfortunately the men, my relationship experts for the hour, weren’t exactly… shall we say smart? The problem was they would give these bogus ideals based in no sense of validity. One of them has suck with me since I left:

“Men aren’t made for Monogamy. Men are wired for Polygamy”.

Huh? We’ve all heard the comment that men are not wired for Monogamy but Polygamy? How is that possible? I honestly, believe the guy actually didn’t know what he was saying. Polygamy is a social construction of marriage. It’s the institution of a man having multiple wives to mate with multiple women. Polygamy is not having sex with multiple people is actually a commitment just like marriage but to multiple people at once. As many people have a hard time staying committed in one relationship is it actually logical to say men wired to be committed to multiple women at one time? I’m going to have to label that one as a big fail. Sorry buddy but Polygamy just like marriage is a social construction. An idea WE as people made up. Can you really argue the possibility of a belief based on biology? My point is polygamy or monogamy is based on what you believe in. Not what your body is capable of.

Now let’s talk about Monogamy. Is it possible for a man to be with one woman for the rest of his life? Hell Yes! Just as it is possible for a woman to be with one man sexually for the rest of her life. All is possible, the more interesting question is, is it likely? I full heartedly believe that men have the ability to separate sex and love in a way that does not come naturally for most women. Therefore a sexual act with another woman doesn’t have to impede on their feelings for their wife/girlfriend. Now women, I included, tend to keep our emotions connected to our sexual desires. Sexual desire and emotion are co dependent best friends, afraid to go places without the other. It’s because of our two distinctly different relationships with emotion and sexual desire that people translate that to the possibility of monogamy. The only problem is that monogamy is not a physical act. It’s a commitment. Based on physiology there are many things that our bodies are not made to do, but are minds make them possible. In that sense, Monogamy is no different then finishing and training for a marathon. I’m sorry, our bodies are just not made to run 26 miles. I’m not a doctor but after running a half marathon, I’ve deducted it’s a physical act God did not intend for us to do. It’s brutal and just plain mean. But it’s the mental belief and commitment that gets people across the finish line. So monogamy is just as possible for a man and it is for a woman. It’s all about if he or she believes in it.

In my future marriage, I don’t expect monogamy. I expect someone to work as hard at is as I do. Someone willing to make the commitment and put in the work. Physically, we are all going to be attracted to multiple people in our lives. It’s the commitment and your commitment to the commitment that makes its all real.

Now stop saying men cant be monogamist. It’s simply not true. And stop believing monogamy is easy for women either. Sure biologically, men think about sex more often then women and I am not arguing that men might not have more issues then women but at the end of the day it’s all about what you believe in.

WE'RE ALL JUST LOVE JUNKIES ON THE HUNT FOR OUR NEXT FIX

2010-07-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I believe the older we get break ups only become more difficult to deal with. We take more thought into the people we choose as partners, the relationships are often more serious, and then when it falls apart, the failure feels a lot more heavier. It’s the opposite of most things in life, with more experience breaks ups become a lot more difficult to get through.

A recent study published by the Journal of Neurophysiology gives us a little more insight into why. Study shows a break up has similar affects on the brain as cocaine addiction. Crazy right? The thought behind this is Love is more of an addition then an actual feeling. Researchers found obsession and heartache caused by unrequited love stimulates the same areas of the brain as cocaine addicts experiencing physical pain while going through a withdrawal. Anyone who’s been through a break up can see the validity in this study. The shit is hard to kick! And there really is nothing you can do but try to get through it. Ideally we are all just freaking addicts. Love and relationships are about getting that high. Feeling invincible. Seeing life in a whole new perspective.

The main lesson to learn from this study is that to get through a break up you got to treat it like an addiction. Stalking, sending love letters, phone calls, and begging to get back aint going to work. COLD TURKEY!! Cut it off!! And get through the pain! Maybe also we all can have a little more sympathy for our over dramatic friend constantly crying while staring at old pictures. She's a junkie, going through withdrawal. The good news is, the study show as time passes the brain activity decreased when subjects looked at a picture of their old love. In some ways love is just a fixation of the brain. In due time my friends… In due time.

To ready the full article click HERE

5 OF YOUR MOTHER'S DATING RULES THAT STILL APPLY

2010-07-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

I know its 2010 and we are all modern women. We can go wherever we please, have fabulous careers, travel the world and have children on our terms but when it comes to dating, some old fashion rules still apply. Sorry ladies, regardless of how independent we might feel some of them are worth following. As a woman who likes to be in control, I have a hard time with these but as I get older I realize… yes, mom… you were right.

WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL YOU

This rule applies at all stages of a relationship. As much as I want to fight it, it’s just true… men like to be the pursuers. Especially in the beginning. He wants to call you. Sure, we have the ability to make the first call or ask him out on the first date but at some point we have to turn it over and allow him to lead. Call him too soon and his ego is boosted. The worst thing to deal with is a man who’s too sure of himself.

NEVER HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE

We all know the story of a couple that had sex on the first date and are happily in love. But they are the exception, not the rule. As much as we are all adults in control of our sexuality a lot of men easily compartmentalize. A friend of mine was really excited about going out with a girl he had liked for weeks. They had sex the first date and he questioned everything. If its too easy for them in the beginning they assume its easy for others. Sure, it’s not fair but think of how many times having sex on the first date as worked in your favor?

NEVER PUT YOUR EGGS ALL IN ONE BASKET

Regardless of how good the new guy is, it’s always good to keep your options open until you have the “talk”. It saves you from expecting too much and will remind him that they jury is still out. You don’t have to start an online file or searching for someone else. Just continue to hang out with your girlfriends. If another guy asks you out, go out with him. I’m not at all suggesting don’t let a man know how much you like him…just don’t act like your in a relationship before you’re actually in one.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A DRESS

Every woman should have a least a couple signature dresses. Dresses that we know as soon as we put them on heads turn. It’s undeniable. A dress receives completely different energy and attention then great slacks and heels. These days and especially in Los Angeles, we’re in jeans all the time. When you put on a dress it reminds men you are a lady and yes, they are worth getting dressed up for.

Sure, I know some could argue that these don’t apply in 2010 but I beg to differ. As complex and evolved we want to be, some of the basics never change. So, did I just take us back to 1950’s or is there some truth to this?

THE LIL MAN IN MY LIFE & MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

2010-07-20T23:31:00.000-07:00

In the middle of a conversation about coins he bends over and kisses me on the cheek. I try not to make it too much of a big deal because he doesn’t. But inside I smile. This is the first time he has ever shown me affection like that. He continues flipping the coin between heads and tails unaware of any possible interpretation of his action. Obviously it was just something he felt like doing - which only makes the kiss 10 times sweeter.

I remember the days he would refuse to hold my hand. For months, I would ask him a question and he would ignore me simply because he wasn’t interested in talking. But now, no matter where we go, even if we are just walking from the house to the car, he grabs my hand as if it’s the one thing he’s suppose to do. With that kiss, I knew I had arrived to a special place in Henry’s life.

In January when I went freelance, I decided to take a couple babysitting gigs to guarantee some income as I built clients. I had babysat Henry, 8 years old and his sister Cate 6, on and off for years but had never spent considerable time with them on a consistent weekly basis. Regardless of how many times I had previously babysat Henry, when I started to pick him up from school he wasn’t too happy. Each day I was there was a reminder that is mother was busy doing something else. But now 6 months later, Henry and I are a team. We’re best friends with inside jokes. We discuss basketball and sports and talk about movies we can’t wait to see. When he use to cry when I showed up because it was reminder that his Mom was taking off, now he runs toward me, eager to tell me the vital points of his life that I’ve missed.

Now that I most likely soon will not need babysitting anymore, I’m thinking about the time that I have spent. Initially, the desire to baby-sit was only about money but I have gained so much more. Overall, spending time with these kids has also opened my eyes to a couple misconceptions about motherhood and children that I know a lot of other single women have. Check it out:

HOUSEWIVES HAVE IT EASY

I always thought being a stay at home mom left you with more freedom then working full time. Boy was I completely wrong. Henry’s mother was a full time career woman who now stays home with the kids but I have to tell you, I have NEVER seen a more busy person. Between her husband, two children, volunteering at their school, and the basic maintenance of their gorgeous home, she is easily one of the hardest working women I know. Being a mom is a job that not only takes extreme skill but an attention to detail that I don’t know that I have. Plus it’s a gig that you never get to clock out of.

BEING WITH CHILDREN ALL DAY EVERYDAY FEELS LIKE A TRAP

I always saw myself as a working mother simply for the fact that the idea of not interacting with anyone other then my children for the majority of the day felt like a punishment (I’m obviously not ready for motherhood). But spending time with a child everyday has made me realize how satisfying and rewarding time it can be. Granted, I get to return them but I find myself feeling so lucky to be able to have that moment with them. Often when work feels stressful and I’m worried about my career it’s been those hours with Henry that has put it all in perspective for me.

MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN MUST HAPPEN BEFORE 35

Both of the women I work for got married and had children after 35. They didn’t meet their husbands until after 35. They are beautiful vivacious women happily married and happily exploring motherhood. As much as biologically there is a ticking clock, socially life happens when it’s suppose to. Who cares if it is at 32, 28, and 45? It’s still joy and love regardless of when it shows up.

A MARRIAGE IS NEVER THE SAME AFTER KIDS

This is not a misconception this is TRUTH. Not that the change is necessarily negative but it’s no longer about just the two of you. It easily becomes all about the kids. What do they need, how are they etc. Just having a conversation about your day can be difficult when a kid is sitting in the same room. More now then ever I hope that I have at least a few years with my husband to explore marriage, our relationship and build a strong foundation before kids even think of arriving.

The day hasn’t come yet but a huge part of me is heartbroken about my time with Henry coming to an end. No more games of basketball, frozen yogurt runs, or arguing the appropriate lyrics of a song. Being able to experience those simple moments with a child has made me appreciate motherhood so much more. Even answering the most simple questions like “What does inconvenience mean?” or making sure he’s familiar with every single song on Michael Jackson’s Thriller, has made me appreciate how much of who we are, what we like, and how we grow as people is learned. As much as I am happy career wise to not need the babysitting but I’m definitely choked up about not having that time with him. Babysitting as an adult has been like an internship in motherhood. I think every single woman considering being a mother has to do it. It’s life changing. At least it has been for me.

CELEBRATE LOVE PROFILE #5 ROYCE AND RASHEEA HALL

2010-07-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Imagine that it's Friday. Don't imagine that you got the day off tomorrow... just imagine that I actually posted this on Friday, the day I said I would instead of waiting til Monday. ENJOY!

Royce stares across the room as he thinks. Like a stumped child during a spelling bee, he finds it impossible to answer my question but unwilling to give up. Finally he finds the only answer that makes sense,

“Honestly, I don’t remember a part of my life without knowing her”.

Sincere and deeply honest, Royce has a hard time remembering what life was like before meeting his wife Rasheea. He’s not trying to be romantic or charming. He speaks with deep honesty as if I was asking him his birth date. He’s equally stunned when Rasheea recounts how they met through yahoo personals in 1999. Yes, It’s hard to believe but in 1999 people actually did use the Internet to date. Rasheea a recent college graduate living in Boston decided to give the Internet a try. Only 22 at the time, she wasn’t on any mission to find “the one” or dating with any agenda. She was simply looking to meet a few new people. At the time, Royce had recently moved to Boston. His job left him working nights and often alone, not giving him much of an opportunity to have a social life. He joined yahoo personals thinking this might be a chance to actually hang out with a couple people other then his old boring colleagues.

When they met, getting along came easy. But as a young woman Rasheea wasn’t ready to throw all her eggs in one basket. She continued to date another guy but when Royce told her he was moving to San Francisco her world quickly shifted. Without any clear understanding, Rasheea found herself crying to a friend, devastated at the thought of Royce not being around. Following her heart instead of any dating advice book, Rasheea too was making San Francisco her new home a couple months later. She remembers, “There was no agenda, no motive. I just knew I wanted to be with him”. Her family members asked her repeatedly if she was ready for such a commitment but for her there was no commitment to be made. It was simple then as it is now, she just wanted to enjoy life near him. While in San Francisco, they didn’t live together and they both searched for the right career path. Each applied for grad school and moved back to the east coast together. Without even knowing, their lives were already effortlessly moving in sync.

Ironically, both being from Jersey, Royce and Rasheea are far from the same place. As Rasheea likes to illustrate “ My family is Good Times, while his are the Cosby Show”. Rasheea grew up in Newark with her grandmother in the projects while Royce grew up in the most traditional middle class home. While growing up in different settings, they grew up to value the same virtues: education, commitment, and family. As Royce strived to provide the same life his parents gave him, Rasheea learned to value what she was not given.

Like Steve Harvey preaches in “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”, as soon as Royce graduated from grad school and finally started to feel the career accomplishment he always wanted, getting married became a natural progression. As Rasheea recalls there wasn’t a drastic change or a needed push, they just moved into that direction when it made perfect sense for them.

Now 10 years from the day they met, Rasheea is pregnant and looking forward to having their first child. Already filled with motherly love, she find the most exciting part of being pregnant is knowing the life her future child will have.

“I’m just over the moon that my child gets to have such an amazing father,” she says.

When I ask them what makes their relationship work, they agree it’s their ability to allow the other to be uniquely themselves. Royce speaks to the fact that they had to learn it’s okay to have different interests and not do everything together. He explains, “I’ve seen couples at events where one is sitting there miserable somewhere they don’t want to be only because they think they should be there, but no one ends up enjoying being there”. He speaks of moments where they go to events in separate cars so that one has the option to leave before the other. They laugh as they remember how Royce had to learn to not bring Rasheea along to watch a sport event if he wants to enjoy the game without having to worry about when they’re going to leave.

As a married couple who has figured it out to an extent, Rasheea speaks on one

Misconception of marriage,

“Some people speak of marriage as two people who complete each other but in reality marriage is two whole people who come together to compliment each other”.

She believes that Royce not only understands her but,

“ He enhances me. He makes me want to do better”.

Royce speaks to Rasheea’s thoughtfulness and her ability to love. He finds comfort in knowing she is always there for him,

“She’s always there to defend my best interests”.

As we come to an end, I’m still amazed by how comfortable they are with each other. I ask her, as a professional black woman who has defeated statistics, is there any advice to give others?

“I think a woman in general finds her mate when she is suppose to. I believe in fate and some of us are meant to do it earlier in life and others later. I honestly got lucky with Royce. I really believe that I went through so much in my childhood that God put Royce in my life as a symbol of hope and to show what life could be”.

SINGLE WITH NO ATTACHMENTS V.S MARRIED WITH KIDS - WHOSE GOT THE BETTER DEAL?

2010-07-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

In so many moments in life we seem to want what we can’t have. Ever so often when we receive what we have coveted for so long we realize life without it wasn’t so bad. So many single people experience their autonomy with uncertainty and spend being single looking forward to that magical day when they are married with kids. We, especially women, view being married and having children as the sign of full arrival – finally reaching life’s potential. The only problem is married with kids might not be as magical as we believe.

This month, New York Magazine features “All Joy and No Fun – Why parents hate parenting”. According to sociologists married couples with children are the least happy. They are happy to be parents, find joy in being “settled” but the constraints and constant worry attributed to parenting causes more stress then most realize. One of the interesting points to the article is doctors believe the rise of people being “unhappy” once having children is simply because people are getting married a lot later in life. Now we know what we are missing. Because men and women are spending more time independently living on their own, parenting couples find the autonomy that most single people complain about inviting. Remember the numerous nights alone wishing someone was there with you? Possibly years from now you will be holding a child while watching another wishing for just once to be fully alone. So maybe we all need to just hold our horses a little bit and enjoy the life that we have because at the end of the day…. we might be a lot luckier then we think.

I think it’s important for all of us single folks, men and women, to realize that being single is not a death sentence. The only reason that it might feel like that is simply because we are not fully experiencing our current stage of life. We have a life full of opportunities to go anywhere and do anything. A freedom that will no longer be apart of your life once it becomes much bigger than you. So many of us look towards the pending future as the “answer” but as the article states married with children doesn’t bring the automatic gift of happiness.

It’s interesting to realize that the aimless feeling of not know what is happening next in life is the one emotion we could possibly be missing once we are settled. A married friend of mine admitted to going through a small depression right after tying the knot. For so long she was looking forward to finding “Him”. When she found him the next obsession was when were they going to get engaged. Once they were engaged, it was all about the wedding and once they were married she sat at home wondering what’s next? There wasn’t much to dream about. She had all that she wanted.

I think the New York Magazine article points to the fact that we are all pretty lucky in our own way. And we really have to understand and live as such. I think once we are able to fully accept and enjoy being single we might arrive to the ability to meet someone and move into the next stage of life. I know that might sound odd right? Having to love being single to be able to move into marriage? But unfortunately the unhappiness of our present stage can essentially be the one thing holding us back from moving forward. So all the single women out there, it might be becoming “happily single” that brings the possibility of being “happily married with kids”.

Am I making any sense here?

Lyfe Jennings- STATISTICS

2010-07-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

Supposedly inspired by Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, Lyfe Jennings gives us ladies some advice in finding a good man. As simple as it is, he's pretty much giving advice that we tend to forget. I can't tell you how many of my girlfriend's sleep with a guy on the first date and wonder why all he wants is a booty call. Sure we all want greatness but as he says, sometimes we forget "to be the person that we want to find". As much as I want to be upset about another man thinking we need his advice... he's calling us ladies out and basically saying "Expect more, You'll Get More". We all get to choose who we want to be with, time for us to pretty much make better choices.

Your Thoughts? Is Lyfe speaking the truth? Or just another man trying to give advice that really shouldn't be?

How Much Of The Past Do We Really Need To Know?

2010-07-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

The first thing I thought when the pictures of The Dream were released was “Are we really surprised?” He already had left a wife and their small children before meeting Christina. Doesn’t that show you what he thinks of commitment? And then I thought of all the previous mistakes I have made. Would I want a future boyfriend to assume the stupid things I did in my past will happen in our future? People change and mature, right? But The-Dream did leave his wife with small children like he did in his previous relationship. So is it fair to assume what someone did then is what they are going to do now?

In one of my past relationships, we didn’t really discuss much of what happened in the relationships before us. We discussed the broad strokes; our longest relationships and situations we would never want to enter again but that was it. No list of who we've been with and exactly what happened in each relationship. Honestly, it was the most freeing situation I had been in. I didn’t have to worry about introducing him to an ex; having to deal with any sort of jealousy and more importantly I didn’t have to deal with any judgment. I liked not knowing what happened in his previous relationships because it allowed me to just deal with our situation. But now that the relationship is over, I often wonder if I knew more of his past, could I possibly have known more of our pending future? Could the issues we dealt in the relationship be repeating issues for him? And if I knew that before, could I have avoided the situation?

Now today with Facebook, twitter, etc we can know a lot about a person before we get to the first date. Information overload is so much the norm that lately I’ve been uncomfortable with going out with someone that I don’t know anything about. Because information these days is so accessible, it’s odd when the person is the only source of information. But does knowing previous information cause unwarranted assumptions that can ruin a possible relationship or save possible partners from a pending break up?

If I had known about my ex’s past relationships would I go into the relationship with the same excitement? Possibly not but again is it fair to assume what happened in the past is going to happen in the future? I have a friend who cheated in past relationships but wouldn’t even think of cheating in her current situation. If her boyfriend made assumptions from her past they would not be able to have the bond they have now. On the other hand, I have a friend that has cheated in all of his relationships and continues to cheat in his current. Obviously the assumption for his is a correct one. So how much do we need to know about our partners past? And honestly, how much does it really matter?

Regardless of what happened in my past relationship I definitely do not regret not worrying about the past. The worry and the agony is more damaging then any possible action. I’d rather not worry about someone who is cheating on me then worry about someone who is not cheating… but that’s a whole other post. The truth is we trusted each other to purely be in the now. That feeling is not only priceless and it allowed our situation be just that…ours.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

2010-07-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Flipping through a magazine, I stopped at an ad for a furniture store. A happy couple enjoyed their new couch at a wonderfully discounted price. Right as I began to bypass the generic ad, I stopped and gave a second look to the man. Why does he look familiar? I turned the page assuming he was just another reality star that I had gotten so familiar with on TV that I actually thought I knew him in real life. But then I realized I really did know him. I knew him a lot. Not too long ago, I was in love with this man. Not just in love but dreaming of marrying him and having his child. And now… he was just a face that was as recognizable as the guy who stood in line with me at Starbucks. How is it possible that you can be so in love with someone and a couple years later, they easily become just a part of your past? Could that strong feeling that I once felt for him then really be love? And if not, how do you know when you are really in love if it can easily be mistaken for something else?

I know that the question seems simple to some but as I get a little older the answer gets more complicated. I’ve never been able to be with someone that I just “like”. Therefore, anyone that I have had a substantial relationship (regardless of how long it might have last) was someone I loved. Not “thought was cool” or “could see myself loving” but someone that I adored, knocked me off my feet that I shouted to anyone who would listen, I finally had found my soul mate (again). The only problem was that miraculous all encompassing feeling didn’t always last and now I wonder did I ever really love anyone? If that once magical feeling has now dissipated does that mean that relationship is irrelevant? All these thoughts make that simple question that often shows up in the beginning of any new relationship, “Have you ever been in love?” complicated to answer.

That feeling that I felt with Mr. Man on the Couch was so genuine. So real, so unadulterated that in many ways it was of the most purest form of love. I don’t at all question the validity of the feeling then, but because I can look at a picture of a man and keep it moving with so much indifference… was it really love? Love doesn’t fade right? Love doesn’t flow like the kitchen faucet one moment cold another hot. Or is love the feeling that you felt then, even if you don’t necessarily feel it now?

Maybe the true test of love is time. After time has passed and the feelings are no longer of admiration or even respect … maybe it was never love in the first place. Maybe love and relationships are purely about the ego and what it needs to grow. So our experiences are not about a fairytale concept of oneness and affection, but really about self-expression and personal development. One relationship of mine was purely about my self-esteem. At the time I thought it was all about love, my soul mate, the one person who truly understood me. But the truth was all I wanted was to know that I was lovable, that I was someone worth being with. And guess what he gave me that, plus heartbreak and a whole lot of drama. Now that time has separated us, I know now that the relationship was a place of growth for me. Granted, I might not be familiar with the girl who would choose to be with a person like that but I am extremely grateful for the experience. An experience that has completely shaped the person I am now. Honestly, in that relationship I experienced a freedom and an expression of “love” that might not ever be possible again. My feelings for him now are completely diluted from the emotional connection then but can I say that I didn’t love him? Not sure if that’s true.

There is one relationship that stands out for me. If I were asked that question, “Have I ever been in love” my answer would be once. It was that one relationship that I can honestly say that I experienced what I believe to be true love because I truly loved myself first. My personal respect for who I am allowed me to truly love him unconditionally. Oddly enough, it’s the one ex boyfriend that I no longer speak with. The one boyfriend that I can say regardless of time I am far from indifferent.

Maybe the true test of love is not what you are feeling now but what you feel later. Maybe the ultimate true test is how you feel AFTER the relationship. When a relationship is over, its no longer about what you are currently getting out of it. It’s not about how the person saw you or how you saw yourself when you were with them. Maybe love is truly an emotion with degrees. An emotion with no set of standard or generalization. Possibly love changes for every person and every experience. Maybe the truth is I loved all of them in their own special way and their own special place. Honestly, they all have contributed to my present. They are all apart of me and always will be.

Like I said, Online Dating Sucks

2010-07-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago I wrote a post on online dating and how I don't believe it as a system that truly helps in matching you with the right person. Looks like I'm not the only one. Doctor Dan Ariely did a study on online dating and found out that on average people spend over 6 hours online for the possibility of coffee. The problem is the attributes that we list and require are not true signs of compatibility or even real gauges of what we are truly looking for, even if we don't know it. It's an interesting argument about a social system that is becoming the norm. Does it really work?