Why White Women AND BLACK WOMEN are winning And everything else UPTOWN MAGAZINE refused to mention

Apparently, black women and white women are in some competition. Whoever gets to the alter first is smarter and knows how to play the game.  According to the article Why White Women Are Winning Uptown Magazine published last Friday, the reason that I am still single has everything to do with the fact that I don’t behave enough like a white woman. As the author Andrea Michelle sees it, white women look for a husband in college, value marriage more than blacks, and know how to treat their men without attitude or challenge. And all three of those reasons are reasons that white women get married more than black women. What I need to know is when did my love life became a competitive sport and more importantly why?

Of course all three factors were listed purely based on the writers assumptions and not followed by any statistics or factual information. Its true, white women statistically get married more than black women but I’m not sure if we really can name these reasons as why. How bout the history of African Americans in the United States? Education? Poverty? Or the overall fact that Americans as a whole are not getting married and staying married as they use to?  Although most of the reasons that Andrea states are comparisons made between African American and White American women for years it’s just thoughtless to list those reasons as solutions to the thousands of black women worried about the probability of finding a partner. When did black women become so monolithic that we all suffer from the same issues? And when seeing others with the same blanket racial prejudices we face become okay? 

For black women and white women, making finding a husband a priority at an early age doesn’t guarantee marriage and more importantly a good one. What bothers me the most about this article, (aside from the racist and baseless racial assumptions) is the belief that the act of marriage alone makes one person superior over an other. When I was 23, my Canadian struggling actor boyfriend who I knew no more than 2 months proposed to me. If I married him, I would have been married to a deeply insecure man with anger issues. But according to Andrea, “when it comes to playing for the ultimate title of wife, white women are the All Star MVPs”. So does that mean if I chose being trapped in an abusive marriage with a couple kids would I be idolized on a pedestal as well?

 What happened to being in a healthy and productive relationship? Finding someone who loves you and supports you? Placing getting married alone as the ultimate goal in life is damaging to women as a whole and takes us back 50 years ago when women got married simply because they needed someone to take care of them. Our grandmothers and mothers fought for us, regardless of race, to have options in life and marriage is one of them.

I have lived with two white girlfriends.  We shared dating horror stories love victories and heartbreaks. We are all still single and none of us see our love life as some racial sporting game. Honestly their love life hasn’t been any “better” than mine. We are all women interested in finding the right person for us and know that search comes with bumps and bruises along the way. Though it’s ignorant to believe race doesn’t affect my love life in Los Angeles, I don’t believe if I studied the behavior of my white counterparts my love life would miraculously change for the better. Sure our struggles as women are different because of our racial experience and culture but our life is our own- so individually identified it’s just crazy to compare.

Andrea Michelle then gives the example of a white friend in college who said “Well, if I don’t find my husband in undergrad I will just go to grad school – that’s what my mom told me”. Andrea Michelle uses this quote to illustrate that white women as a whole are getting married before black women because they are simply planning ahead. The quote is an example of a woman who is interested in getting married more than building a career but unfortunately, there are plenty of black women who feel the same way. We all got black girlfriends and family members who have never been interested in going to college or even getting a job. Gold diggers and women looking for a Mrs. Degree come in all shapes and sizes.

The author then asks “at what point, should pursuing an Mrs. take precedent over building professional success?” This is a great question that all women should ask themselves. But again this question has nothing to do with race, but more importantly has to do with the struggle between career and family that all educated women seem to face. There are plenty of white women that are just like me, pursuing her dreams, living her life to the fullest in hopes of finding the right partner for her along the way. And there have been plenty of black women married with professional careers balancing their job and family. With high divorce rates and less people getting married all over the world, there are plenty of white women struggling to find love in their thirties (Have we forgotten about Sex And The City, Lori Gottlieb, or Jennifer Aniston) and do not see getting married as the answer to all of life’s problems.

There are plenty of black women that are single because they have an attitude, don’t believe in marriage, and come from broken homes and there are white women who are single because they choose the wrong men, stay in abusive relationships and couldn’t flirt themselves out of a getting a parking ticket if they needed to. The point I am making is our issues are our own, and comparing oranges and apples ain’t going to get us closer to figuring them out.

So if I wanted to be like Andrea and write an article based on assumptions from my own life experience, I could argue a completely different reality. When looking at the 12 women that I am close to and hang out with on a regular basis, three of them are white and nine are black. Of the three that are white, none of them are married when six of my nine black girlfriends are. Apparently the relationships that surround me affect my own beliefs when it comes to love and marriage. As far as I’m concerned black women have every opportunity to be married and in successful relationships as white women. My black friends that are married are married because they want to and because they found the right person at the right time in their lives. The truth is we are in control of our lives, not statistics or silly racist assumptions.  

So Uptown Magazine, it’s not just white women who are winning - it’s strong women who stay committed to what they want in their lives regardless of the thought and opinions of others. It’s the women who build their own life structure based on their own needs and personal values who are the champions in my eyes. And all women, regardless of the cultural and racial struggles that we all independently face, has the opportunity to do so. 

GIVING UP THE CHASE

I've been doing a lot of dating lately. But in some ways it's been almost more frustrating than those points in my life where my social life was pretty bare. Even with all the dates, I don't think I've encountered the right one for me. So many women (I've been one of them) use the excuse that men in LA are not looking for a relationship or there aren't any good one's out there. Not true at all. Even for the doomed professional black woman that apparently no one wants. I've gone out with multiple attractive, career oriented and respectful men looking for that special someone. But what I'm learning is the issue with dating really isn't about statistics of the population of men and women in one city. It's a personal journey simply wrapped around finding the right person at the right time in your life.

Again, as much as it's comforting to believe it will all work out when it's suppose to, as a recovering control freak it's extremely frustrating to know there really ain't nothing you can do about it. You can't compare your life to others or see your current life as a mirror of your future. You got to live your life dedicated to your own happiness. If it's personal health goals, spiritual growth, career advancement, travel or taking on a new hobby, you have to build your life around what you need to stay happy. One thing that I have learned from my past relationships and from observing the relationships of others is that finding a life partner doesn't all of a sudden take away your burdens. Depressed people without relationships end up being depressed people in relationships. Happiness and progression is really only up to you in all periods of your life.

This morning I read this letter from God posted by Arielle Ford on The Daily Love Blog. Seemed fitting.

Dear One,

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but I say “No.”  Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, will you be ready to have the intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you.  You will never be united with anyone or anything else until you are united with Me. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and start allowing Me to give you the most thrilling plan in existence – one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best.  Please, allow Me to bring it to you.

You must keep watching Me expecting the greatest of things.  Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.  Keep listening and learning the things that I will tell you.  Just wait.  That’s all.  Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have or that I have given them.  Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you.  And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you have dreamed of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is Perfect Love.

 And Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer.  Know that I love you utterly.  Believe it and be satisfied.

Love,

God

DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

“The problem is, the only thing I can do with this is send it to B.E.T”

That was my sometime lit manager’s response to my latest project. Of course this comment came after telling me that it was strong and provocative writing piece but because my two lead characters where described as African American, immediately there was only one place in the market for it. For anyone who has watched B.E.T’s original programming would know that my script, the story of a conflicted couple exploring an open marriage, with or without black characters doesn’t fit into the networks line up.

As a black woman growing up in a very multicultural world my life and perspectives are full of various colors and cultures. Because of that, the majority of the work I write often has nothing to do with “being black” but happens to have black characters. BUT according to Hollywood, seeing a black person on screen alienates outside audiences. When Will Smith took the lead in Hitch, determining the race of his love interest was a huge deal. Two black characters would have made it a “black movie”, a white lead would piss people off, therefore a Latina woman (Eva Mendes) became the best of both worlds. Even though Hitch was a commercial success, we haven’t really seen a romantic comedy with an ethnic cast since.

For every argument that race alienates, there is the huge blanketing example that a white cast equals mainstream. Everyone can relate to the lives of white folks but ethnic people make it race specific. So of course two black people in love automatically becomes only culturally relevant to black people so but somehow two white people in love is a movie for everyone. As a teenager I feel in love with Julia Roberts and My Best Friends Wedding. As an adult struggling with heartbreak I identified with Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I wonder how many white people have seen Love Jones and was able to identify with the complications of falling in love?

When are black people or any other race going to be held to the same standards? When is the rest of the world going to see our stories just as relevant, just as important as theirs? Oddly in our “post racial world” interracial relationships are more celebrated then the possible love of two people of the same race. Why does it have to be one or the other?

Faced with this predicament a lot more then I would like to admit, I erase the race description of the my lead characters and the story moves on without any change. But as much as that is the cure to dispel any judgment my script can face when being read, does it really help the situation I face as a black writer? The truth is, the stories that I do write are not racial or cultural specific so taking race out of it is only a formality but why do I feel like I’m taking the easy way out? My good friend, a successful TV writer reminds to “play the game” and another friend a development executive reminds me that wanting to work is different than fighting a cause. I’m not interested in fighting any cause; I’m just a struggling writer who dreamingly believes there is room for the stories that I have to tell. If Nancy Myers can brilliantly write about middle aged women why can’t I write about a black woman in her 30’s struggling to balance love and career?

Of course, the main and most important difference between Nancy Myers and me is a career. I just hope that being uniquely who I am is strong enough to actually build one.