LIFE AND LOVE INSPIRATIONS FROM WOODY ALLEN'S MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

Don’t you love it when you see a film and it speaks directly to you? Somehow, you see the film right at the exact moment you are searching for some clarity. This is what happened when I saw Woody Allen’s new film Midnight In Paris on Saturday night. Lately, my workload has been a little daunting. It’s not that I necessarily have a lot to do at this present moment but being a writer and producer on multiple projects at different stages has just left me a lil confused and hazy with my focus. I’m not sure what each day requires of me and instead of taking the time to make a plan I just react to what is asked of me. Never a good situation. As though things seem in the right place, I’ve just been left coming home in the evening not sure what to do next. The busier I become the less I give myself the time to think. I know that sounds crazy but as a writer, I need at least two to three hours a day by myself.

After spending the last year and a half in front of my computer moving from café to café, having to show up and work in an office day to day is still a transition I’m having a hard time getting use to. When being quiet and by myself is part of what I need to create, after spending 9 hours in a room with multiple people asking questions and plenty of meetings to attend, a lot of my “create” time has been pushed to the evenings.

Coming home after work and having the space and the option to do more work I have realized is an asset. A realization that is terrifying and comforting. Whoever I ended up with will have to understand how crucial and important alone time is to not only my career but also my sanity. He doesn’t have to be an artist or work in a creative field but he has to understand what I do and how I think, is a little unconventional.  You see, sometimes that “work” that I need after my 9 to 5 could be watching a movie, sitting in silence, listening to a specific cd, being on my computer or even going to a particular place and listening to people talk. All of it is damn bizarre but it’s crucial and whomever I end up dating is going to have to understand that. There are some days that I’m actually able to get all my work done during the day and like every other normal person, my evening is for relaxing but those days can’t be scheduled or predicted.

Midnight In Paris, a film about Gil, a successful screenwriter writing the novel he always wanted while visiting Paris with his fiancé, confirmed dating a writer is the job for a remarkable person. Someone able to see beyond the tangible and present. Gil’s fiancé Ines thinks his dream of moving to Paris and writing is crazy and doesn’t make any sense when he is making millions rewriting films and living in Malibu. When he wants to walk the streets at night in the rain, she finds him silly and irrational. 

You see, the person who dates a writer has to not only understand our odd antidotes but really truly value art over commerce. Any artist will tell you, even the crazy rich ones, it’s not the money that we are chasing but more importantly validation for our work and creation. And receiving that comes at the cost of wanting and seeking great work.  Sometimes the cost of great work is not going out and being social. Sometimes we have to do the opposite of everyone else.

Midnight In Paris reminded me how important it is to listen to your dreams and desires. They were given to you for a reason. At the end of the movie when Gil finally breaks up with his bitchy girlfriend, life immediately falls in place. He is reacquainted with a woman he met at the flea market over a Cole Porter record and she happily walks in the rain with him, the one thing his ex girlfriend refused to do.

Finding the right person is never hard. It’s actually effortless and perfect. Like the commitment to being a writer; you must stay dedicated to being with the right person even when it seems impossible. Because one day, at the right time and the right place, it will all come together so serendipitous, everything before that moment no longer matters. 

Why White Women AND BLACK WOMEN are winning And everything else UPTOWN MAGAZINE refused to mention

Apparently, black women and white women are in some competition. Whoever gets to the alter first is smarter and knows how to play the game.  According to the article Why White Women Are Winning Uptown Magazine published last Friday, the reason that I am still single has everything to do with the fact that I don’t behave enough like a white woman. As the author Andrea Michelle sees it, white women look for a husband in college, value marriage more than blacks, and know how to treat their men without attitude or challenge. And all three of those reasons are reasons that white women get married more than black women. What I need to know is when did my love life became a competitive sport and more importantly why?

Of course all three factors were listed purely based on the writers assumptions and not followed by any statistics or factual information. Its true, white women statistically get married more than black women but I’m not sure if we really can name these reasons as why. How bout the history of African Americans in the United States? Education? Poverty? Or the overall fact that Americans as a whole are not getting married and staying married as they use to?  Although most of the reasons that Andrea states are comparisons made between African American and White American women for years it’s just thoughtless to list those reasons as solutions to the thousands of black women worried about the probability of finding a partner. When did black women become so monolithic that we all suffer from the same issues? And when seeing others with the same blanket racial prejudices we face become okay? 

For black women and white women, making finding a husband a priority at an early age doesn’t guarantee marriage and more importantly a good one. What bothers me the most about this article, (aside from the racist and baseless racial assumptions) is the belief that the act of marriage alone makes one person superior over an other. When I was 23, my Canadian struggling actor boyfriend who I knew no more than 2 months proposed to me. If I married him, I would have been married to a deeply insecure man with anger issues. But according to Andrea, “when it comes to playing for the ultimate title of wife, white women are the All Star MVPs”. So does that mean if I chose being trapped in an abusive marriage with a couple kids would I be idolized on a pedestal as well?

 What happened to being in a healthy and productive relationship? Finding someone who loves you and supports you? Placing getting married alone as the ultimate goal in life is damaging to women as a whole and takes us back 50 years ago when women got married simply because they needed someone to take care of them. Our grandmothers and mothers fought for us, regardless of race, to have options in life and marriage is one of them.

I have lived with two white girlfriends.  We shared dating horror stories love victories and heartbreaks. We are all still single and none of us see our love life as some racial sporting game. Honestly their love life hasn’t been any “better” than mine. We are all women interested in finding the right person for us and know that search comes with bumps and bruises along the way. Though it’s ignorant to believe race doesn’t affect my love life in Los Angeles, I don’t believe if I studied the behavior of my white counterparts my love life would miraculously change for the better. Sure our struggles as women are different because of our racial experience and culture but our life is our own- so individually identified it’s just crazy to compare.

Andrea Michelle then gives the example of a white friend in college who said “Well, if I don’t find my husband in undergrad I will just go to grad school – that’s what my mom told me”. Andrea Michelle uses this quote to illustrate that white women as a whole are getting married before black women because they are simply planning ahead. The quote is an example of a woman who is interested in getting married more than building a career but unfortunately, there are plenty of black women who feel the same way. We all got black girlfriends and family members who have never been interested in going to college or even getting a job. Gold diggers and women looking for a Mrs. Degree come in all shapes and sizes.

The author then asks “at what point, should pursuing an Mrs. take precedent over building professional success?” This is a great question that all women should ask themselves. But again this question has nothing to do with race, but more importantly has to do with the struggle between career and family that all educated women seem to face. There are plenty of white women that are just like me, pursuing her dreams, living her life to the fullest in hopes of finding the right partner for her along the way. And there have been plenty of black women married with professional careers balancing their job and family. With high divorce rates and less people getting married all over the world, there are plenty of white women struggling to find love in their thirties (Have we forgotten about Sex And The City, Lori Gottlieb, or Jennifer Aniston) and do not see getting married as the answer to all of life’s problems.

There are plenty of black women that are single because they have an attitude, don’t believe in marriage, and come from broken homes and there are white women who are single because they choose the wrong men, stay in abusive relationships and couldn’t flirt themselves out of a getting a parking ticket if they needed to. The point I am making is our issues are our own, and comparing oranges and apples ain’t going to get us closer to figuring them out.

So if I wanted to be like Andrea and write an article based on assumptions from my own life experience, I could argue a completely different reality. When looking at the 12 women that I am close to and hang out with on a regular basis, three of them are white and nine are black. Of the three that are white, none of them are married when six of my nine black girlfriends are. Apparently the relationships that surround me affect my own beliefs when it comes to love and marriage. As far as I’m concerned black women have every opportunity to be married and in successful relationships as white women. My black friends that are married are married because they want to and because they found the right person at the right time in their lives. The truth is we are in control of our lives, not statistics or silly racist assumptions.  

So Uptown Magazine, it’s not just white women who are winning - it’s strong women who stay committed to what they want in their lives regardless of the thought and opinions of others. It’s the women who build their own life structure based on their own needs and personal values who are the champions in my eyes. And all women, regardless of the cultural and racial struggles that we all independently face, has the opportunity to do so. 

COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes.  My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined. 

The Ever Changing Mr. Perfect - A Sign Of Maturity Or Settling For The Basics?

I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.

For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity.  These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me.  He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter.  As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?

As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship.  But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?

Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.

During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?

Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?

It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.

There are still  a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection. 

He's Just Not That Into You - Dealing With The End Before The Beginning

Man, dating is not for the faint at heart. And as you get older it just seems to get a little more difficult staying open to new situations. In the short time of just a month, I have dealt with the fear and anxiety from two different men when facing the possibility of a new relationship. I use to think those that were able to be single and stand strong alone through life as the resilient ones but now it becomes apparent those that are able to walk through the hurt, the fear, and the risk to actually share their life with someone else are the strong ones.

I remember reading He’s Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo in my twenties and feeling like I finally found the answer to all my dating problems. Finally all of the hours spent with my friends trying to figure out what was going through his head could easily be answered with a simple yet extremely expressive phrase. It was liberating and powerful, allowing me to finally have some ownership in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, with maturity, I’ve come to realize, that maybe the end of a relationship is not always that simple.

Men are put at a disadvantage when dealing with emotion. As women we have been allowed ever since we were little girls to be afraid and have someone come and let us know that everything would be okay. Were able to voice disappointment. Cry when things don’t go our way and spend hours on the phone with our girlfriends to talk through whatever is bothering us. Although the process can be compulsive and indulgent we’re given the opportunity to work through our emotions over and over again when men are often required to suck it up and keep it moving. The only problem is so often none of what they are really dealing with gets resolved and just sits there affecting them year after year. And as a woman, when it comes to dating, every so often I interact with a man still unconsciously dealing with what happened way back when. When that happens his inconsistencies and hesitations have much more to do with occurrences and experiences that really have nothing to do with me than the phrase, he’s just not that into you. Sometimes, he is so into you he’s not willing to let go, or so into you he’s scared to even consider being once again in a serious relationship.

These gray areas that arrive when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t mean the finality of some situations can not be explained away with “he’s just not that into you”. After being in an enough failed attempts with men it becomes much easier to separate the grays from the black and whites. But the resolution of personal issues of trust and fear really can’t be resolved through another person. It’s a personal affair no matter how understanding the other person can be. When it comes to men, the choice to deal with personal baggage often has nothing to do with the woman and has everything to do with timing.

As much as He’s Just Not That Into You and He’s So Into You But can be so different, they are so similar in the most important account. In either situation, you got to let him go and be willing to hold out for the person willing to walk down the path beside you regardless of what happened today, yesterday or even what could possibly happen tomorrow.  

At 32, I'm Just Now Learning What It Means To Date

I don’t think I know how to date.  Sure, I have essentially been dating in one form or another since my first dance in the six grade but now at 32, I think I am really only truly having my first “dating” experience. For the first time, I am actually going out on numerous dates with a couple people before actually making the decision if I am interested in building a serious relationship with them.  Not too revolutionary right? I assume that’s what normal people do but my dating experiences of that past haven’t been normal. They’ve gone a little something like this:

Girl meets boy, girl really likes boy, boy really likes girl, fall in love, make plans to spend the rest of their lives together to only then to crash and burn.

OR they go something like this:

 Girl meets boy, girl is bored with boy, and girl gets rid of him.

I’m either head over heels or not at all interested.  It’s always been my immediate infatuation with someone as well as their immediate lust for me that was the indicator of something special. But over time I came to realize that chemistry wasn’t necessary a true indication of a good relationship or true match.  Sadly, intense chemistry is often about the unconscious search for someone to realize the hurt from past situations. Past boyfriend wasn’t affectionate enough? Next boyfriend ends up not being about to take his hands off of me.  Of course after the high dies you realize that you’ve been in love with your idea of your partner then who they are really are. So of course now I am taking the time to get to know someone before making a concrete decision about how I feel about them. But honestly, I’m discovering old habits are hard to break especially when you’ve never experienced the opposite.

As I am taking the time to really get to know someone it’s been hard to determine what makes two people compatible. Now as I purposely date outside of what I always distinguished as my “type” with the intent of breaking the barriers created from past experiences and history. So without being able to pull from my past experiences to understand if he really likes me or if I really like him, I’m having a hard time distinguishing what the hell is going on. Since he hasn’t called me in 24 hours, does he really like me? When you eliminate infatuation and lust, how do you know when two people are really a match? Of course, there are the obvious signs like attraction, similar outlooks on life, and the ability to have fun and talk with one another but when you eliminate the intense need to be around each other or the constant want to rip each other’s clothes off, how do you know if two people are compatible for a love relationship or just a great friendship? 

A good friend of mine has always said that no one should get married before the age of 35. In some ways, I’ve always thought that was a little extreme but after really taking the time to determine the difference between what I want and what I need I couldn’t imagine making a sound decision to be with one person for the rest of my life even in my late 20’s. Definitely not a decision that reflected an understanding of the difference between intense chemistry and true love.  Or maybe at the end of it all, I just think way too much about these things.

As I continue to date and take things slow hopefully the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves. As time moves forward essentially the right fit will no longer be a question but more of an illustrated fact. Or at least I hope. 

PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now.  She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is.  Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search?  If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs.  “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

 In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.  

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them.  I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time. 

SHIFT HAPPENS - NEW PERSPECTIVES IN THE NEW YEAR

Somehow, somewhere in the later part of 2010 I experienced a shift. Not sure what caused the changed but I feel like I entered 2011 completely different from the person I was for the majority of 2010.  After months of feeling left behind as close girlfriends started to have children and disappear into serious relationships, I started to explore why dating felt like a chore when it was so easy and effortless in my 20’s. I was only worried about if he was cute, does he make me laugh, and could his friends hang with mine. Now in my 30’s, I found myself going through a long list of questions and assumptions before even considering meeting a man for coffee. Dating in my 20’s was about the experience when somehow dating in my 30’s had become all about could I marry him. But the most important question I couldn’t answer was…

WHEN DID DATING BECOME SO DAMN SERIOUS?

Ladies, somehow between 28 and 31, we lost our ability to have fun. Marriage and children became this flashing neon sign following us wherever we go. Somehow marriage and children becomes the only gateway to happiness that without them, life is put on pause. Why do we do this to ourselves? We bind ourselves to these deadlines and stages of life that really at the end of the day are not as important as we make them.  Somewhere around September it became so clear to me… No wonder dating was a struggle! Who would want to date someone who was constantly on edge. My high beams were on- in desperate need for someone or something to prove my life was valuable. The only way to describe it is, I was miserable! So miserable that honestly, I wasn’t even aware of it. I was so caught up in what was “missing from my life” that I couldn’t even see how I was or could be apart of “the problem”.

Dating was easy in my 20’s because I never approached it from a place of lack, want, or need. I didn’t carry a list of who “HE” should be or judgment about what my age meant for me then or the very daunting future. Then, the future was this thing I probably should have been worried about it was too far away to really be concerned with it. It was coming regardless if I planned for it right? Somehow when I crossed over to 30, the future became this encompassing force looming over my head blocking any possible light. It was such a constant thought that I had no room for what was really going on in my life that I missed multiple opportunities to be in control of what I was experiencing.

I got sick and tired of being…sick and tired. I set out to find that fun girl of my 20’s who just wanted to have a great time. I started to seek the freedom that I once had when everything was possible.

Lately I have been living outside of those walls that I quickly built in the short years after 30. I started to pursue men that I usually wouldn’t. I now flirt with the assumption of attraction and interest instead of sitting and waiting for him to come talk to me. I haven’t been concerned with my age, the future, or why and when.  The greatest part of it all is, not only am I beginning to date more then I have in years, but I am also dating some really great men. By giving up the constant worry and frustration, I have become more of the fun loving and confident girl that I have really always been.

I’m really excited about 2011. I feel like I’ve come into a new sense of ownership and authority that I oddly could not get to without the carelessness of my 20’s and the harsh focus of my early 30’s.  This year is going to be great because I know I can have all that I want because nothing is missing! I already…we already… have it all.  

No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”.  Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.  

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.

IS THERE ANY GETTING OVER KRYPTONITE?

He argues the importance of love in our society. He obsesses over the possible life story of the homeless guy near the freeway entrance and wonders how and if they are really any different. He quits his job without having any idea what he is going to do next, stays up all night writing his book/novel/poem/painting while praying to God he is living to his full potential.

He’s the artist. In every sense of the word. From head to toe, he’s passionate, spontaneous, and unpredictable.  My kryptonite. I’ve encountered this man-short, tall, skinny, and big – regardless of what he looks like, I’m smitten within the first encounter and there’s no reeling back. Cut from the same cloth, he understands my own obsession and inspires me to work and live harder.  But in all cases, we both love hard which only perpetuates a much harder fall. Getting myself back together after dealing with Mr. Artist is never an easy or quick process. Its brutal, down right life changing but through the pain, I always emerge as a stronger, more complete person. In some ways, the personal growth is an added blessing for dealing with the Artist Man.

This time, I want to try things different. Try the stable man. The guy with a job and a career, and that’s enough for him. As long as the bills are paid, he’s good and any bigger questions can be left for others to figure out. He’s settled. Where he is now is where we want to be and if it never changes, he’s fine. The monotony and expectation that comes with the stable man at one time sounded boring but now feels comforting and alluring. BUT the problem is when I encounter him; I’m always looking for more. I want to go out when he wants to stay home. I’m looking to debate the social undertones of Fraggle Rock when he just wants to watch and relive his childhood.

How much of the excitement and romanticism really matters when looking for a life partner?  How much entertainment is needed in relation to loyalty and steadiness?

Maybe over time the insatiable taste of The Artist will fade away. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and I’ll find the perfect mix of Mr. Stable and The Artist that makes sense for me. Does he exist?

In the meantime, I try to date from a clean slate not letting too much of my past color my future. Even when a whole lot of color seems to serve me well.

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”.  Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary.  I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing.  Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off.  It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on. 

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on!  For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor. 

ONE REASON TO NEVER READ MADAME NOIRE MAGAZINE AGAIN

Why does he have to look at sad and pathetic in the back? 

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “How To Date A White Guy”. I purposely choose a title that would catch people’s attention but for those who actually read it they know the piece was not about selecting white men over black men but more about letting go past assumptions that limited my opportunities when it comes to dating. I’m a black woman in my 30’s who wants to be married with kids one day. If I am black, white, purple, or even magenta, limiting my options is not a smart thing especially when it comes to love.

Tonight I read “8 Reason to Date A White Man”  at Madamenoire.com and was disgusted. It is full of assumptions and stereotypical reasons to dating a “white man” that has nothing to do with love or compatibility. I am a single black woman and believe that black women and everyone else on the goddamn planet cannot construct rules when it comes to finding an ideal partner. Come on, aren’t we over that crap by now? Yes. Culture is alive and well. Culture differences should be celebrated and never ignored. There are multiple inherent cultural similarities with a black man that I most likely will not have with a white man but why should I allow those differences to limit my possibilities when it comes to love? Especially in a time where we all are more culturally similar then ever before?

What this article does is not liberate black women from false pretenses. Instead the writer has publicly based every black man with ludicrous stereotypes while attempting to uplift white men with the same backwards thinking. Not all white men “ don’t take everything as a challenge to their masculinity” or even “have the ability to look beyond their past”.  I know tons of chauvinist white men “looking for someone to take care of them” as well as many white men who don’t know a thing about “financial planning and stability”. When there is a Black President in the White House who dispels every single stereotype and possible opportunity for a Black man how could anyone write such an ignorant piece?

The world just continues to blow my mind! I know many ways to support black women in dating outside their race without bashing black men. Jesus… I know thousands of beautiful, strong, loving, impeccable black men looking for a partner. There is no shortage. We just live in a time where limitations do not serve us anymore. So fall in love because you can- not because it will help your financial and social goals. When you can create a list of why you are with the man you are with without writing love, morals, or reasons beyond the color of his skin- you do not know the definition of love.

And the even more ignorant thing about the article? The article is coupled with pictures of black women with men who are not even white! The online magazine is not only stereotyping black men but is even more backwards in it’s assumption that every man with fair skin and not black is in fact white.

Moments like this make me thankful for growing up in California. Other than New York City, the rest of the country is so archaic and still living in the 50’s.  Oh no… Did I just stereotype? Well if Madame Noire can make ignorant assumptions I guess I can too. 

DOUBLE TAKE - Looking at the 40 Year Old Man From A New Perspective

If there is any running theme of my blog it is the fact that I end up admitting I’ve been wrong about a couple things. Maybe it’s just 2010 but I am realizing that a lot of perceptions I have had about men and dating… were not necessarily on point. Doesn’t mean I am always wrong… just means I am growing.

I’ve always said that if you meet a man 40 and over who hasn’t had a serious relationship – stay away. Something is obviously wrong with him. The thought was a man’s options for companionship are greater then a woman’s. Therefore, if a man can get to his 40’s without a failed long-term relationship or even a divorce, he must be tainted. If nobody wants him, why should you? Extremely judgmental, I know but what can I say- it’s not like my theory is based on improbable factors?

Earlier this week, I had a brief conversation with a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. The conversation turned to relationships and the maturity we have gained, as we have gotten older. I mentioned that there is a misconception about men (black men specifically) that they do not want to get into relationships and I don’t believe that is true. I think the reason that men are not pressed to be in relationships like women so often as is simply a numbers game + a whole bunch of deeper issues regarding race and financial stability. Often we overlook the facts that cause such a blanket statement like “men are not interested in settling down”. His point was that he wished he could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him that being worried about the club wouldn’t serve him years later. He wished that he had understood the value of family and relationships much earlier so that it was a priority for him. Building a family could possibly bring much more gratification then the cars, money, and status that he so much hoped for in his 20’s and early 30’s. He is not a father but he is in a relationship. He is a good man in his late 30’s with being 40 just days away.

His comment made me think of a moment I had at my grandmother’s house a couple years ago. I was at her farm in Mississippi, in her house that she was born in. A house that her 10 siblings all had been born in. A structure that quickly became the status of family for us all. Her home has been in my family for over 100 years. It just hit me; family had been the “dream” for her and others of her generation. That was the priority and the driving force of life. When family is an afterthought to career it doesn’t happen with the same level of success. For my friend, building the foundation for a strong relationship did not become important to him until later in his life simply because having money and having success was more important. Plus with the options in surplus when it comes to women, there was never a sense of urgency. He opportunity to have “faux”intimacy was easily available. Therefore his values didn’t change until his late 30’s. He also mentioned he wished he had examples of men around him that valued having a family and strong relationship when he was younger. Seeing someone his age with a lil mini me would have helped him to see the other side.

Then I started to think how could I blame these men for simply chasing what we know as the “American Dream”. Were bombarded by it every single day! Our figures of masculine and ultimate success are Puffy and Jay-Z! Thank you for Barack because now we have something else to counterpart the ideal. As I have experienced in my own relationship sagas, men without true stability in their careers are just unavailable to having a serious relationship that requires sacrifice and attention.

I find myself often chasing the same ideal of “success”. As some of my friends are beginning to panic about their window of chance to have children, I realize I don’t have that same alarm clock. At least right now I don’t right now.  At the age of 31, obsessed with achieving success as a screenwriter, I might have similar ideals to my late 30’s male counterpart then I would like to admit. On this weeks season premiere of Parenthood, Joy Bryant’s character is living in NY dancing for Alvin Ailey while trying to hold together a relationship with Dax Shepard in California. She’s planning a trip to visit him and at the last minute she cancels the trip for a last minute audition. It was heartbreaking as I foresaw the inevitable- the relationship wasn’t going to last but it was so real, her dancing career is something she has been building since she was a child, the last thing she was going to do was blow a chance to do something she has been waiting her whole life for. I understood her.

 All this to say that I can now see how a good man can find himself 40, single, and long list of short lived relationships coloring his dating past. It some ways I might prefer having a man who decided to try it with me then having a list of women he tried to make it work with and failed. We make the stipulations regarding race, age, and finances when it comes to relationships. That’s not made from God and truth is, the majority of what we are worried about and trying so hard to plan life against simply isn’t true unless we believe it. 

HOW TO DATE A WHITE GUY

Friday night I had an “Aha Moment”.

I went to a house party with my close friend Cole. Anyone who has ever met him will never forget him. If that’s a good thing or a bad thing depends on the person and the interaction. As a good-looking, charming white boy, he’s a lover of women. Before meeting me he admitted to not having many black friends and now Cole has become an honorary member of my family. The most interesting thing about him is regardless of not being raised in a racially diverse area he’s beautifully ignorant to having preconceived notions regarding race. Sure he is possible of an ignorant racial comment like anyone else but when it comes to women, we are all just that-women. If he is interested no preconceived notion of race is going to stop him. And he is crazy confidence where anyone to him is fair game.  This is the complete opposite of my interaction with other white men. Growing up in a racially diverse area, I have friends of all races but at an early age I somehow decided that white men weren’t really attracted to me. Not that I have really chased after them but somehow along the way I learned that black men were the ones that appreciated what I had to offer.

Because of this, black women who dated white men always baffled me. Through the years I have had plenty of friends with dark skin and big booties who get hit on by white men constantly. It’s like they have a secret GPS system – white men looking for a sista knew where to find her.  Even though I have been attracted to white men and have had my occasional make out session, I’ve always left the reason to why I haven’t seriously dated outside of my race to "it's just not my thing”.

The other night when I went to meet Cole, I didn’t expect it to be a night that I would meet anyone simply because I knew the majority of the people there would be white. I was excited to hang with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I was in a festive mood, I worked the room and had a really good time. But when we left, Cole commented on how many of his friends were all over me. As he saw it, I had caught the majority of the men’s attention the minute I walked through the door.

HUH?

Whatever he saw was the exact opposite of what I experienced. People of course were friendly but as I saw it nobody was checking for me. No one had given me that look; asked for my number, or flirted strong enough to make it known I was on his radar. But as Cole explained it, he might be confidently aggressive, but a lot of white men are not. Especially when it comes to Black women. What I learned that night was the guy who nicely commented on my perfume was actually flirting with me. And when he talked to me for the next 15 minutes about college he wasn’t just being friendly but actually showing me he was interested. The guy that asked me numerous times if I needed a drink wasn’t just being a good host. And the guy that talked to me about the epidemic of everyone around us having children wasn’t actually gay but giving me his version of game.

I use to a black man’s swag. He’s air of confidence, the strength in which he carries himself. If this confidence is real or not, he knows he has to approach without any sense of doubt. When you’re on his radar, it’s known. I know a black man’s language so well I don’t need to question if he is interested or not but what I am realizing is the obvious- you can’t expect the same approach from a white man!

All these years I’ve been expecting the same approach but white men essentially speak a different language. They are not as aggressive spend more time chatting, and need to receive a little more play from a woman before they make their interest known. So essentially, I have been hit on by a lot of white men but because I’m not privy to the advance, it’s completely gone unnoticed. And I am guessing I am not the only black woman who has missed this. I was approached by numerous men in one night and had no idea. The reason that they did not become possible dates was simply my fault; I never gave anyone the green light. There was even one guy I thought was cute. I actually thought when we were talking “ I bet he would be a fun date” but never saw him as a real option.

Sure there are exceptions to the rule and not all people in racial groups are exactly the same but we are all socially conditioned by where we group up and what we experience. Therefore, the lesson might seem to be about men and race, it’s really about how much we unconsciously block ourselves. As I sit back and think, I think I remember exactly that moment when I decided that white men were not interested in me. It was 9^th grade, very early in my first year in high school. I was walking with two of my friends after school, a White girl and an Asian girl. Some white kid who I didn’t know said, “Why are you walking with her?” I think my friends told him he was a loser and we kept on walking without missing a step but I believed I internalized that moment to exemplify that not everyone was going to get me and I wasn’t interested being around anyone who didn’t. That idiot became the poster child of all white men in my brain. One moment that probably lasted less then 30 seconds colored my perception of what others thought of me for nearly 20 years. A moment so powerful I lived my life without me being fully aware of it. This memory causes me to wonder about other memories, or false interpretations of experiences, that have painted similar unrealistic truth.

What I do know is that from now on when it comes to dating, every man IS an option until he’s not. This is exactly the opposite of how I have been playing the dating game for years. I’ve always waited for a man to show his interest essentially seeing my dating world, as every man wasn’t an option until they were. But life is way too short for that. The life I have always envisioned for myself has never been about limitations or boxed in expectations and here I have been living with them all along. So now… I am excited.

With my new shift of reality, dating can only be a whole new experience for me.

And hopefully… a lot more great stories to come… 

MY LIFE - FOCUSED YET LOST

Lately I have been so confused about my career and where I am going that it’s been hard for me to write about relationships. It feels trivial to ponder when I am going to meet someone when my career is at a place that requires me to stay focused on exactly where I want it to go. Plus… I’m not dating. I haven’t been on a date in over 4 months. I can’t tell you the last time a man approached me with any interest of taking me out. In a way, it’s been liberating to not think about that part of my life. Last weekend I went to Kiss N Grind MJ Birthday Event and danced all night. It was a much-needed release. Not to worry about how cute my outfit was, who was there and if he was looking my way. It was there with the pure motivation to dance (and to stare at my crush Questlove but that’s another post). While I was there I saw a friend who looked fierce - bangin stilettos, amazing earrings, great make up but she was pissed. She hung out near the side mad that none of the men in the room were asking the women to dance. Truthfully, I was too busy listening to the music to even notice. And I was extremely grateful for that. For months I made finding a date such a focused pursuit that I found myself unhappy. Mad that I put my best fit on and nobody noticed. Mad that again on a Friday night I was home alone. Pissed off that the blind date that I had was a waste of time and energy. Now giving all of that energy up I feel more relaxed, more free to worry about my writing career and honestly, more freedom to focus on my creativity.

The only problem is that I actually would like to date. I’m probably one of the few people that actually enjoys going on a first date – knowing nothing about the person across from me and wondering what this chance meeting is going to bring. I just don’t like putting focused energy on dating to make it happen. I miss the days of my 20’s where literally I would meet men all the time. Sure, half of the men that I was open to going out with were mistakes but there was a freedom and an overall sense of possibility and ease that allowed meeting people to feel of abundance. I think somewhere around our 20’s, for men and women, it begins to feel meek and exhausting. Dating doesn’t feel so easy anymore.

As I explained to my Life Coach that I want to start dating again but I wasn’t interested in making it such a focused effort, she explained to me that for people my age, you can’t just relay on meeting someone as you walk through your daily life. Especially for a woman like me, in her early 30’s with an interest in having children one day, I needed to put a concentrated effort in that section of my life – just like I do for my career. She suggested that if it’s not online dating (which I have already told you how much I hate) that I should make a list of meet up groups, and visit happy hours by myself. But when did dating become such a task? Where is the fun and spontaneity of meeting someone when it becomes just as taxing as creating your dream career?

I have no interest in doing any of what she suggested and honestly I don’t know how you could approach dating in that matter and actually have fun. But I am beginning to worry. Is my reluctance to approach dating which just as much focus and thoughts as my career just another example of how the modern day woman has traded in love for career success? Just like Paula Patton’s character in JUST WRIGHT, I’ve known women who decided what kind of men they wanted and placed every effort into becoming the woman that man would want. There wasn’t any interest in their career or establishing who they are independently from whom they are with. And guess what? Those women got exactly what they wanted. But I do know other women who did what I am doing. Practiced being the best version of themselves and after years of doubt and worry, they did find someone just as I hope to. The only problem is as much as I want to refute every ounce of my life coach’s theory, there is a part of it that I can’t ignore- I don’t meet people as easily and effortlessly as I did when I was younger. How much can I expect to experience life as I did years ago when things have changed?

Or maybe the truth is finding someone is just not that important to me. As I get older I wonder how important is getting married and having kids in relation to fulfilling my life long dream of screenwriting. Honestly, if a genie showed up today and held a husband and kids in one hand and the career of my dreams in the other I don’t know which one I would choose.

All I know is I have no interest in throwing on a pencil shirt, heels and a clutch to stand in a room full of men by myself on a Wednesday night looking for the next catch. I enjoy the freedom I experience in my life at the moment as I focus on making my dreams come true. And part of that dream is the day I am sitting in front of my computer, deep within a story only to look up and find myself recognizing a man that I have yet to meet. Call me a homeless romantic or call me a woman who knows my path so strongly that there is no reason to waver. 

IS IT POSSIBLE? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BE HAPPY SINGLE?!

I've reached a very... surreal... point in my life. I've been here before but it's not a space I arrive to often. Finally after a year of frustration, I'm at a point where I'm not at all worried about my love life. I don't think about when or where am I going to meet someone, is he interested? or will he call? The odd part of being settled in this moment is once I begin to notice my so called contentment... I freak out. I'm completely okay with my single status that I am freaked out that I am not freaked out! Have I gotten so comfortable with being alone that I no longer expect anything else? I've gotten so okay with being single that I prefer being here alone then dating someone that I am not extremely interested in or someone with an ounce of drama around them. Have I reached a place of contentment that mirrors surrender?  Hello... to the rest of my life alone. Without an extreme want to change my social life will it ever change?

I'm scared that I am not scared of being alone. 
* I know I am completely out of my mind but this is how my mind oddly works.*

Right now my dating life is completely barren. No possible prospects, not even the guy that can't take a hint that I'm not interested. Because it is sooo quiet... at times I feel like this obviously intended. Everytime I make a conscious effort to date, somthing disasterious happens. It's like God has made a decision for me. I aint suppose to be dating right now for whatever reason. But once my life coach (everyone should have one!) mentioned that people put more effort into thier careers then finding the right person to spend the rest of thier lives with. So I wonder, is finding a partner just as labor intensive as finding your dream job? Interesting enough, I feel like I arrived at this point in my life because I made a conscious effort to put my energy and focus on my career. Not that both can't happen at the same time but my love life doesn't feel as "controlled" as my career decisions can be. Am I crazy to think my love life will figure itself out without me having to do much work? I wouldn't do that with my career. Take a seat and wait for my dream job to show up. Am I out of my mind to think the same is possible when it comes to love? Should I put in the work in my dating life like I do with my career? Make a list of possible places to find a man? Hand my card out to possible prospects or network with the right people who possibly would know the kind of guy I am looking for? I mean, that just sounds crazy as I write it?! But guess what? I know plenty of people where that approached worked for them. They set out a date, made a list and found someone under thier intention (if you haven't seen it, there's a woman in texas that has planned a wedding and hopes to find a man by that time). But I would argue that approach is more about finding SOMEONE then finding the right person. And honestly, I am far from interested in finding just someone.

Am I an ill fated romantic that believes love is so invested with fate and timing that I don't need to do anything but wait for it to appear? 

Right now all I am doing is being the best version of myself. Completely invested in making my life what I want outside of my romantic pursuits. I can say I am 100% authentically myself. Isn't that all I can really do? I feel like my love life will follow whenever it damn well feels like it.

Am I enlightened or just too damn lazy?

WHAT DOES YOUR DATING PREFERENCES SAY ABOUT YOU?

Only recently I realized I like big men. Not really fat (though I have been there before) but men of “size”. The only problem is they have to also work out. Not crazy work out but value getting off the couch and being active. I also don’t like skinny men, short men, and men who have too much power. I love men who are creative, entrepreneurial, value family, love to travel, men who are social and like to read.

Preference:

 1: the power or opportunity of choosing


2: one that is preferred


3: the act, fact, or principle of giving advantages to some over others

As I look at my choices, those that I give advantages to over others, I realize they have a lot more to do with me then the man that I am looking for. If anyone took the time to examine what I like they could probably learn more about my past experiences then I would like them to know. Pretty much my preferences show what I value. And what I value comes from experiences that I had that I enjoyed as well as those moments that I never plan to experience again (Tip # 1: Never date a broke rapper). The problem is, our preferences are not only reflections of what we have experienced but also more importantly reflections of what we interpreted from the experience. Are you following? Two people can have the same experience but interpret it in two different ways. Happens all the time with siblings. Siblings can experience divorce. One learns to value a strong marriage- the type of marriage their parents didn’t have while the other values autonomy-never having to rely on other only to be disappointed. My point is when your preferences are all about you, how important are they to dating? Can our thoughts about our past, block us from our future?

I know I don’t like standing next to a skinny or small man. It makes me uncomfortable on many levels. It all goes back to what I feel about my size and never liking to feel like “the big girl”. Is it safe to say that I couldn’t be happy in a relationship with a man a few inches shorter then me? I like men who are creative, often men who have unconventional careers. Again, I think this choice is all about feeling safe in my choice to be a writer. Am I overlooking a possible great relationship with a CPA?

On the other side, your preferences also show what works for you. Regardless of where they come from, you know it’s what makes you comfortable so why order Salmon when you know you don’t like fish? I know dating a Republican is just not going to work for me.  I don’t respect their values and more importantly, what the hell would we agree on?

 My point is, what does your preferences say about you? Which of them are trivial and which ones of them really do matter when it comes to finding a suitable partner? So often are preferences are established from fear then really about lifestyle and morals. I recently met a woman who won’t date men who can’t dress. She went out on a date with a guy who wore a trench coat. With a belt. Inspector Gadget and it wasn’t Halloween. Sure, I get it, not sure I’d be excited to go out with him again but really… the jacket comes off. Does knowing how to dress have anything to do with what makes a great partner?

Check it out for yourself. What are your preferences that you can’t live without and what are the ones that you might give a pass to?

Maybe I should be open to dating a Republican… Um, no….maybe I should not.  

5 OF YOUR MOTHER'S DATING RULES THAT STILL APPLY

I know its 2010 and we are all modern women. We can go wherever we please, have fabulous careers, travel the world and have children on our terms but when it comes to dating, some old fashion rules still apply.  Sorry ladies, regardless of how independent we might feel some of them are worth following. As a woman who likes to be in control, I have a hard time with these but as I get older I realize… yes, mom… you were right.

WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL YOU

 This rule applies at all stages of a relationship. As much as I want to fight it, it’s just true… men like to be the pursuers. Especially in the beginning. He wants to call you. Sure, we have the ability to make the first call or ask him out on the first date but at some point we have to turn it over and allow him to lead. Call him too soon and his ego is boosted. The worst thing to deal with is a man who’s too sure of himself.

NEVER HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE

 We all know the story of a couple that had sex on the first date and are happily in love. But they are the exception, not the rule. As much as we are all adults in control of our sexuality a lot of men easily compartmentalize. A friend of mine was really excited about going out with a girl he had liked for weeks. They had sex the first date and he questioned everything. If its too easy for them in the beginning they assume its easy for others. Sure, it’s not fair but think of how many times having sex on the first date as worked in your favor?

NEVER PUT YOUR EGGS ALL IN ONE BASKET

 Regardless of how good the new guy is, it’s always good to keep your options open until you have the “talk”. It saves you from expecting too much and will remind him that they jury is still out. You don’t have to start an online file or searching for someone else. Just continue to hang out with your girlfriends. If another guy asks you out, go out with him. I’m not at all suggesting  don’t let a man know how much you like him…just don’t act like your in a relationship before you’re actually in one.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A DRESS

 Every woman should have a least a couple signature dresses. Dresses that we know as soon as we put them on heads turn. It’s undeniable. A dress receives completely different energy and attention then great slacks and heels. These days and especially in Los Angeles, we’re in jeans all the time. When you put on a dress it reminds men you are a lady and yes, they are worth getting dressed up for.

Sure, I know some could argue that these don’t apply in 2010 but I beg to differ. As complex and evolved we want to be, some of the basics never change. So, did I just take us back to 1950’s or is there some truth to this?