COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes.  My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined. 

Does Weight Matter?

When I was a size 26, men approached me. Now when I walk into a room, guys really pay attention. But the sad fact is that volume hasn’t improved the quality. Most of the men who talk to me now aren’t men I would consider. Recently, a guy at a jazz club was staring at me for so long, I had to ask him if we knew each other. He explained that he was trying “to get drunk enough to get up the courage to talk to you.” Sorry, but liquid courage is not what I’m looking for in a man. Like it or not, being 300-plus pounds weeded out some of the losers who were too superficial to approach me back then.

Iman's daughter Zu wrote an article in the March Glamour highlighting her struggle with weight. This quote stuck out the most for me. It's interesting because I believe the idea that if you do not put yourself out there to find someone, you are inherently making sure that the only person stepping to you is of quality. Sometimes I do this to myself. If figure if I go out and hang around quietly the man who really comes to me, really knows my worth. I go back and forth on this, because I believe part of this is true but the other part is putting yourself at such a disservice. Because on the other side of putting out "quiet" and "reserved" is putting out "angry" and "boring". I think, and I have experienced, when you are not feeling good about yourself, people tend to notice, no matter how good you are at hiding it.

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Weight is such a tricky issue. I believe you have to feel good about yourself at any size because confidence and love for life is so much more attractive and infectious then size 4 jeans. But at the same time, if you are nearly 300 pounds and choosing hostess Apple pies over Apples, how much do you really love yourself? I think black women struggle with this balance the most. Losing weight and taking care of your body does not mean we are falling into someone else's standards. There is real beauty in being healthy. Look at Jennifer Hudson. But at Zu has pointed out in her piece in Glamour, losing weight, even 140 pounds, doesn't bring you happiness. I think the happiness has to come first. At 5'10 and a size 10 -12, I struggle with finding that balance all the time. And regardless of what you see and hear in the media, I don't think men give a damn about what size you wear or really how much you weigh, do you look good, and is your body "bangin" is all that matters. And the great thing is looking good and feeling good can come at any size.