BLACK GIRLS ROCK!

 I know a lot of folks posted this yesterday but I couldn't resist. I've watched this over and over again and it just gives me goose bumps! Performances like this make me soo proud, soo happy to be a black woman.

CIAO BELLA BELLA - MY DAYS AS A BLACK WOMAN IN ITALY

The truth is stereotypes are more often true then not (don’t shoot the messenger). Black people are late, white people cant dance, and yes… Italian men love them some black women. It’s a legendary tale but if you have been a black woman in Italy… you’ve seen, felt it, and loved it. If you ever need an ego boost or even wondered what if felt like to be Kim Kardashian for a day… go to Italy.

My first experience as a Black Girl In Italy was straight out of college backpacking in Europe (yes, some black folks do it too). Everywhere I went in Venice, I would hear “bella…bella”. Sure it was nice at the beginning but after awhile the looks and stares began to make me feel like an object – a caged animal being stared at the zoo. I was such a spectacle on that trip I was asked 4 different times to take pictures with strangers. It’s odd, weird, flattering, and offensive all at the same time.

In 2007, I returned to Italy. On my first European tour, I fell in love with the country and knew I wanted to go back. So I went to Sorrento, a small beachy town in Southern Italy and stayed with an Italian family while I studied the language and wrote for 6 weeks. It was my first time traveling by myself. I was extremely excited and found the experience liberating but I was also curious, what about the moments when I didn’t want to be alone? How do you meet friends? But there I was, fresh from the airport on the train from Naples to Sorrento and a small Italian man was starring at me. His name was Danielle. He spoke perfect English and invited me to his “American Bar” in Sorrento. The next night, not knowing a soul in the city I went to Danielle’s bar and for the next six weeks it became my Peach Pit. Wherever I went, the men found me intriguing. Fabio, one of the bartenders in the bar, became my “personal tour guide” with trips to Positano on the back of his scooter and dinners at secluded restaurants in the hills. Nelo, a student moonlighting as an hotel concierge took me to Massa Lubrense and nightly walks in the city. I even had Phillip, a semi stalker while I was there. Phillip was nice and harmless but I swear to God he must of put some time of GPS system on me because whenever I was alone, he would show up on his scooter, with a flower asking questions about my day. Even when I took a weekend trip to Capri I met Giampero, the gorgeous owner of one of the oldest hotels on the Island.

All this attention happened when I wasn’t at my smallest or most fit. Even happened at time in my life when at the end of a bad relationship and I wasn’t the most confident.  At times the attention was aggressive and came when I wasn’t interested. Once I followed what seem to be a nice guy to a beach that only locals knew about. It was gorgeous but the Dude wouldn’t take no for answer. Too aggressive, I left but realized I wasn’t too sure how to get back to the city. Although it’s nice to cause heads to turn when the majority of the times in your life people don’t look twice, it became overwhelming. Honestly, a small part of me understood when gorgeous women complain about only being seen as objects and for not being the person that they are.

I returned back to the States with a confidence that I never had before. Often we question are worth when rejected. But rejection didn’t hit me so hard after my trip. Who cares if these damn American men aren’t excited about me, at least I know I got fans in Italy. In an odd way it reminded me that just because one person isn’t interested, doesn’t mean the next one is not. People’s taste and ideals of beauty vary; therefore what’s not cute to someone is the personification of perfection to another. The other night as a group of my girlfriends had dinner in an Italian restaurant, one of the waiters noticed my broken Italian and asked if I “needed someone to help me with the language”. Ahhh… You can take the man out of Italy but you can’t take Italy out of the man.

I have found memories of Italy. The liberation of traveling alone, the personal growth and yes… the men. Every black woman down on her luck felling underappreciated needs to plan a trip. I’m telling you… it’s worth it.

** I blogged during my time in Sorrento. Click HERE to read.  

What your LOOK says to men

www.verysmartbrothas.com is my favorite blog at the moment. And posts like this continue to prove why I love them so much. I don't know these guys at all but they make me want to pack my bags and move to the east coast cause if they are any representation of the men out there... they know women a lot more then men out here on the west.

They list four "types" of black women based on their looks and he's got me pinned in #3!

As much a profiling is so not PC, can you prove the man wrong? I think not....

Does Weight Matter?

When I was a size 26, men approached me. Now when I walk into a room, guys really pay attention. But the sad fact is that volume hasn’t improved the quality. Most of the men who talk to me now aren’t men I would consider. Recently, a guy at a jazz club was staring at me for so long, I had to ask him if we knew each other. He explained that he was trying “to get drunk enough to get up the courage to talk to you.” Sorry, but liquid courage is not what I’m looking for in a man. Like it or not, being 300-plus pounds weeded out some of the losers who were too superficial to approach me back then.

Iman's daughter Zu wrote an article in the March Glamour highlighting her struggle with weight. This quote stuck out the most for me. It's interesting because I believe the idea that if you do not put yourself out there to find someone, you are inherently making sure that the only person stepping to you is of quality. Sometimes I do this to myself. If figure if I go out and hang around quietly the man who really comes to me, really knows my worth. I go back and forth on this, because I believe part of this is true but the other part is putting yourself at such a disservice. Because on the other side of putting out "quiet" and "reserved" is putting out "angry" and "boring". I think, and I have experienced, when you are not feeling good about yourself, people tend to notice, no matter how good you are at hiding it.

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Weight is such a tricky issue. I believe you have to feel good about yourself at any size because confidence and love for life is so much more attractive and infectious then size 4 jeans. But at the same time, if you are nearly 300 pounds and choosing hostess Apple pies over Apples, how much do you really love yourself? I think black women struggle with this balance the most. Losing weight and taking care of your body does not mean we are falling into someone else's standards. There is real beauty in being healthy. Look at Jennifer Hudson. But at Zu has pointed out in her piece in Glamour, losing weight, even 140 pounds, doesn't bring you happiness. I think the happiness has to come first. At 5'10 and a size 10 -12, I struggle with finding that balance all the time. And regardless of what you see and hear in the media, I don't think men give a damn about what size you wear or really how much you weigh, do you look good, and is your body "bangin" is all that matters. And the great thing is looking good and feeling good can come at any size.

"I'm so sick of black men and their issues"

I just got off the phone with one my closest friends on her way home from a mid day brunch. She was the only black woman in the room and one of the few women who were single. She had a relationship with these women through work so being the only black woman didn't really bother her. It was the fact that within six months, the last time she saw this group, major things had happened for them. One who recently had a baby, was pregnant with her second, one was engaged, another newly married, and another was getting ready to relocate across country.

"Same ole shit for me. Same job, same car, still single"

And then the next thing she said made me sit upright and get ready to intervene,

"I'm so sick of Black men and their issues".

Wait a minute. What does that have to do with the fact that you are still single? She went on to tell me how white women have it easier. White men don't have the the issues that black men have and as a black woman, for the 17 years she has been dating, has NEVER (yes, she used the word never) been approached by a black man appropriately. Now, as her friend, I know she's being dramatic but I had to ask "Well if you keep on getting the same response from men for 17 years don't you have to look at your role in this"? Of course, she didn't like the suggestion that she had just as much to do with her dating history as the men she has dated.

This is my problem with the whole Black Woman issue. I really don't think White women or Purple women have it better or easier then us. Sorry, I don't. I think what happens is that we think they do. We think that our race separates us from being able to have a successful relationship. Sorry, I just don't buy it. Yes, I'm single, yes I'm black but I believe the crazy relationships that I have had have been because the men were crazy and I was just as crazy for dealing with them. And let me add, their craziness had nothing to do with the fact that they are black, they were just that... crazy! And if for some reason they woke up the next day with less milanin they would still have the same damn issues.

So that is the black woman issue. Often, we think we are entitled to experience less dating crap because we are smart, professional, witty and just damn fabulous. But the truth is, even the most gorgeous women deal with relationship drama and finding the right man for them ( ie: Halle Berry and Jennfer Lopez). Yes, if we are talking about numbers, white women have more of a chance of finding a mate that is suitable to their social economic and professional status but is that really all a relationship is? Someone who makes as much money as you? Someone who attends the same church or golf club then you? I want more then that and honestly, I think finding the RIGHT person takes time, especially when you are still defining who you are. I look back at my past relationships and I know I am NOT the same person and I sure don't want to be ;)

I think the other issue is we have to STOP thinking that being married is the Holy Grail!! I'm sorry married friends, you don't all of a sudden become more "together" or more "righteous" because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Thats your current place in life and this is mine. The issue is we have put so much emphasis on getting married that we can't enjoy the life that we have now. We have to love where we are and who we are now. And if we don't, guess what, the opposite sex can smell insecurity and will walk the other way.

Time to care of ourselves first ladies. Stay happy, stay hopeful. And then when we are that put together, we're giving them no reason to not want to be with us. I'm working on being that damn great. What about you?