COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes.  My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined.