No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”.  Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.  

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.

Can An Open Marriage Save A Relationship?

I'm kind of obsessed with open marriages. Not sure why but the idea intrigues me. Currently, I am writing about a couple that explores an open marriage so it's literally on my mind all the time. The idea of monogamy is a little tricky for me. I like the concept, believe in the commitment, and want someone who is willing to try it with me. On the other hand, Do I believe love is ruined or tainted by having sex with another person? Not at all. I've seen it too many times with men who love the crap about of their wives/girlfriends and the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't taint that feeling for them. Fair? Probably not... but it's real.

The truth is what we have placed together as a traditional marriage isn't necessarily working. People expect to get married, never have attraction towards another and more importantly, start to live a completely different life then they did when they were dating or single. I think the idea of propriety tends to ruin relationships. Often when people get married and have been married for a couple years, they stop trying. The ring on the finger solicits a sense of comfort that is first enticing but often becomes stale and typical. Therefore the idea of still needing to entice your partner feels like a positive aspect of an open marriage. But the real question is can everyone really separate love and sex? All these questions are swirling around in my head as I patch together the life of these two people and the information on the Internet is endless.

Today I found this: A blog originally started by a couple in a happy and fulfilled open marriage that ended in less then a year with a divorce. Then it got me thinking... is the need for the open marriage, the comfortablity, the boredom the real true sign of a failing relationship?

Love to get your thoughts.

"KEEP IT MOVIN, I'M GETTIN SOME" - NEW YEARS EVE, BEST FRIENDS, AND SEX

New Years Eve has always been a special holiday for me. In some ways it’s my favorite holiday. I love the fact that everybody is down to celebrate. Everyone is ready to party, get dressed up and have the time of their life. On the sentimental side, I love the idea of bringing in the New Year with the people that you love and want to share the next year with. It symbolizes the mystery of the year ahead and whom you want to enter the New Year with. That’s why I always love to spend it with my girlfriends.

 One New Years Eve, we took too long to actually plan something fabulous and ended up getting drunk and eating weed brownies. Anyone who knows me knows this was an odd celebration. No heels, no dress, no great dinner. Just weed, champagne and 10 grown women acting crazy. The great thing about New Years Eve is you have no idea what the night is going to bring and honestly this New Years Eve was one of the most memorable. Not because I was high out of my mind but for what happened in the middle of the night when essentially the party was over. At least I thought. Hours after we passed out my friend got a call from the guy she was dating. He was coming over after the club so she decided to wake me up, give me a blanket, and asked me to park it on the couch. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said at the time but I do remember waking up the next morning pissed. You’re going to wake up me, your girl, for some guy who has no shame in the fact that he’s coming over just to hit? It’s not that I’m a snob about where I sleep. Bed or couch, as long as I get to do what I’m there to do, sleep. The issue is that fact that moving me for literally 15 minutes of drunken sex is an option. Years, have gone by since this incident I’m still perplexed over the choice. Never wake up your girl. If sex is that important, have sex in the living room, kitchen, car, and bathroom wherever. Literally, my mind doesn’t even work like that. If I needed to have sex at the moment, I don’t think I would consider waking my friend. I’d probably have him pick me up or get real creative on finding our spot.

The problem is, I’m literally, the minority on this issue. Other girlfriends don’t see what the big deal is. “It’s just sex and she didn’t throw me out of the house”,  “All you had to do was sleep on the couch” have been various replies. But I guess my issue is, the choice. The fact that a man, or sex, depending how you look at it, has more priority over me. Sure, I’ve made stupid mistakes before and have chosen being with a man over my girls a couple of times but honestly, I’ve never been okay with this decision. In some ways, I believe that I have valued my friendships over my possible love relationships to a fault. One New Years Eve when I was actually in a serious relationship and went home with him for Christmas and returned back to LA early because I wanted to be at my friends impromptu wedding on New Years Eve. Sure, I missed him but I didn’t think it was right to choose this man, who I loved dearly but essentially only knew for months, over a special moment in my girlfriends life that I knew for years. Ironically, the girlfriend and I actually just patched things up after months of not speaking but still I thought it was right to be there. Sure, missing a wedding and kicking your girl out of the bed for sex aren’t necessarily comparable decisions but some reason getting kicked out of that bed has always bothered me. Today we laugh about it but I’m still in awe that the majority of my girls say they would do the same.

In ways I’m the most romantic of my friends but I’ve always found interesting how much we as a society value love and relationships. Especially me. My self worth is in question at the end of a relationship. Regardless of the love and support of friends and family, I question my progression in life when I’m not dating. Logically, it doesn’t make sense that our potential partners, even if we’ve been with them for years get top billing to our friends, family and careers. But we all do it in the name of love. I can’t speak for my friend but I would argue that the decision was based in the possibility of love- not just sex. She liked this guy and was invested in one day having a relationship with him.

Who knows…

Am I just a sensitive chick? Would you kick your friend out of the bed for a potential booty call?

SEX, ARE YOU HAVING IT?

I love Sex And The City. Might of hated SATC2 but the series will always stand as gold for me. Last night, still high from the Laker game (GAME 7 BABY) I watched “The Drought” from season one. The episode goes on to deal with all four women having issues because they weren't having sex. Charlotte is dating yet another waspy man that she believes in the one. This time it’s because they are not having sex. She tells Carrie, excited and blissful, that they are able to be intimate and cuddle without the pressure. She feels safe… until she learns he use to be a sex maniac. Now Charlotte’s in a mad rush to have sex with him. Immediately her sexuality is challenged. “Could he possibly not find me sexy”? Being on Prozac, the guy is just not interested in sex the way he used to and is actually happy with his newfound clarity. But now Charlotte, who loved the fact they weren’t having sex is uncomfortable in a relationship without it. He asks her,

“Come on, wouldn’t you rather be with a guy that is kind and giving, not so interested in sex, rather then an unstable bull over sexed guy that is only interested in one thing”?

And there you have it. When most women are looking for the guy that is interested in them beyond what they can do in bed, Charlotte without any hesitation answers “no”.

This is where I must stand as an ambassador for my gender and apologize to all men out there. I’m sorry for all the tug and pull you guys have to go through. The truth is we women really don’t know what we want. In the beginning, we work hard at looking sexy, wear tight jeans, and work for the perfect cleavage. As much as we throw the possibility of getting busy, the guy can’t be too eager about it. The moment he can’t keep his hands off of us, he’s rude and has no boundaries. But he can’t not want it either. As soon as a man doesn’t show any interest are egos are bruised and are femininity and self worth are in question. But the tug and pull doesn’t just stop once were locked down. The unbalance of sex in a relationship can easily cause a crack in the foundation that is close to impossible to fix. As soon as one person wants it and the other doesn’t, the amount of commitment and love is hit with a big question mark.  

And there's the dichotomy: sex is not important until the moment it's not. 

I wonder if we have screwed up the dynamic of love and attraction by putting so much emphasis on sex. We get into relationships to have it; we get into relationships to not have it. But really how important is it? Compatibility of two people is often measured by how good it is when they’re together. We know that two people can have crazy sexual energy but be terrible as a couple but how come we don’t believe two people can be great as a couple but not good in bed?  Then the level of intimacy of a relationship is measured by how often a couple has sex. But how can you measure intimacy and compatibility when our individual needs change from person to person? On average, couples have sex 8 to 12 times a month. The crazy thing is I don’t think most people know that.  There are plenty of women questioning how much their man is into them because they only have sex two of three times a week. If people are having sex less then we realize, how did we get to expect so much more?

Earlier this year, Elle published an article questioning,Does a couple have to be hot and heavy to be happy? According to the article, low and no sex couples are not rare. 14% of married couples have experience little to no sex in the past year. The article features 2 women in happy stable relationships who were no longer interested in having sex. They have sex close to three times a year.  After talking about how happy she was, one of the women ended up cheating on her boyfriend!  It was the fact that she felt sexually connected to another man when she realized the “sexless ness” was just another sign that she was in the wrong relationship. As this woman’s story is an example, there are obvious and true reasons why happiness is connected to ones sex drive. It allows us to feel wanted, loved, important, and connected. Studies show that people who deal with “involuntary celibacy” often deal with depression, rejection, and low esteem. But how much of the sex = happiness correlation is too much?

 Is it fair to gauge intimacy and compatibility to how much sex a couple has? Can two people not have sex for a period of time and be happy? If you have sex and its bad, does that mean there is no possibility of compatibility?

Let’s discuss…