No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”.  Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.  

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.