He's Just Not That Into You - Dealing With The End Before The Beginning

Man, dating is not for the faint at heart. And as you get older it just seems to get a little more difficult staying open to new situations. In the short time of just a month, I have dealt with the fear and anxiety from two different men when facing the possibility of a new relationship. I use to think those that were able to be single and stand strong alone through life as the resilient ones but now it becomes apparent those that are able to walk through the hurt, the fear, and the risk to actually share their life with someone else are the strong ones.

I remember reading He’s Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo in my twenties and feeling like I finally found the answer to all my dating problems. Finally all of the hours spent with my friends trying to figure out what was going through his head could easily be answered with a simple yet extremely expressive phrase. It was liberating and powerful, allowing me to finally have some ownership in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, with maturity, I’ve come to realize, that maybe the end of a relationship is not always that simple.

Men are put at a disadvantage when dealing with emotion. As women we have been allowed ever since we were little girls to be afraid and have someone come and let us know that everything would be okay. Were able to voice disappointment. Cry when things don’t go our way and spend hours on the phone with our girlfriends to talk through whatever is bothering us. Although the process can be compulsive and indulgent we’re given the opportunity to work through our emotions over and over again when men are often required to suck it up and keep it moving. The only problem is so often none of what they are really dealing with gets resolved and just sits there affecting them year after year. And as a woman, when it comes to dating, every so often I interact with a man still unconsciously dealing with what happened way back when. When that happens his inconsistencies and hesitations have much more to do with occurrences and experiences that really have nothing to do with me than the phrase, he’s just not that into you. Sometimes, he is so into you he’s not willing to let go, or so into you he’s scared to even consider being once again in a serious relationship.

These gray areas that arrive when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t mean the finality of some situations can not be explained away with “he’s just not that into you”. After being in an enough failed attempts with men it becomes much easier to separate the grays from the black and whites. But the resolution of personal issues of trust and fear really can’t be resolved through another person. It’s a personal affair no matter how understanding the other person can be. When it comes to men, the choice to deal with personal baggage often has nothing to do with the woman and has everything to do with timing.

As much as He’s Just Not That Into You and He’s So Into You But can be so different, they are so similar in the most important account. In either situation, you got to let him go and be willing to hold out for the person willing to walk down the path beside you regardless of what happened today, yesterday or even what could possibly happen tomorrow.  

LOVE LESSONS FROM KIM KARDASHIAN

I’ve had my crazy moments like any girl. Honestly, I might have a couple more then the average but my point is… I definitely can comment when a woman has made the same mistake.

Sunday night on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian put Reggie Bush on blast by not only playing their phone conversation in front of her friends and family but she played it for the whole world. Reggie pleaded with her about getting back together and seeing her with a new dude in the media was “driving him crazy”. I don’t know why I am surprised when she came to be a celebrity by a sex tape but airing the conversation was just not classy!

I’m sure she thought she was going to show him, let everyone know how much he wanted to get back with her but really she played herself in the end. Not only should every man she dates be terrified of all his business being on TV but the only way to really show someone how much you still obviously care is to dedicate a whole episode about moving on when it’s really still about him. She left nothing up to the imagination. If Reggie had any question about how much she really liked the guy she was dating, now he knows the whole time she was still thinking about him.

One thing that I have learned over and over again in break ups (but can’t seem to remember when I am going through them) is at the end they all come down to positions of power. Who is happier? Who is moving on quicker? No one likes to admit it but when a relationship ends it’s all about ego. If you have the opportunity to question what they are doing without you. The ego gets bruised and you start to wonder, was I ever special to them? If Reggie Bush had any real questions about if Kim really did like this Miles guy now he knows her dating an athlete was not about getting over him but purely about getting back at him.

Ladies, Ladies… When it comes to relationships- and especially break ups - we can’t lay out all our cards! The best revenge is silence. The best signal of moving on is indifference. I don’t know Reggie or Kim but what I do know is in this business the only way to stay sane is to keep your close and personal relationships sacred. The more you put on blast, the more you need to run for cover. 

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”.  Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary.  I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing.  Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off.  It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on. 

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on!  For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor. 

SIX SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

Right now I am working on a rewrite of a script where a man is devastated of the loss of his marriage and goes through some drastic changes in hopes of them getting back together. But the problem is the relationship was over way before he realized it and he ends up chasing the memory of the good relationship that hasn’t been around for years. It’s amazing how much clarity we receive about relationships after the fact but when we are in them we can’t see a thing. Therefore, my mind started to create the following list…

Six Signs Your Relationship is Over Before You Know It:

YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX

Sure, couples go in and out of phases where they have more sex then others. But if the thought of sex hasn’t entered your mind then there is a problem. If someone else’s discussion about their sex life sparks the memory that you haven’t had sex with your partner is a long time…you’ve lost interest. This means you haven’t missed it. Sex has fallen off the radar and your boyfriend is quickly becoming a best friend.

HE DOESN’T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALL AND YOU IMMEDIATELY THINK HE IS CHEATING

 I always said I would rather have my man cheat on me then become suspicious of it. I know that sounds odd but for anyone who has been cheated on, not being able to trust someone is excruciating, frustrating and damn right stressful. Every moment becomes a possible time of deceit. I remember waking a friend up at 6 am to come with me to spy on my boyfriend’s apartment building. Yeah – not one of my brightest moments. Therefore I’ve always valued the ability to trust my partner. The moment you can’t trust your partner for some reasons like not returning a phone call quickly enough is a sign that you two are going downhill.

You begin to embellish details of your relationship

If you start telling your friends about the amazing dinner he cooked for you when it was really just heating up Top Ramen leftovers you already have your foot out the door without even knowing it. You’re living in a fantasy of another relationship that is not yours. I can always tell when a friends relationship is going to last or not by if she is willing to tell the truth about it. When she’s able to complain about the small stuff and admit he’s not perfect as well as gush about him then I know she’s really in it. It’s the ones who are always happy and he is always perfect that always makes me wonder what’s really going on.

You lie to spend time by yourself

I remember when one of my boyfriend’s would stress me out so much that I would lie about having a work event just so I can spend time by myself. Being in a room without having to be around him was a release. Of course also a huge sign that the relationship was heading towards a break up and quick. Not that you have to want to be with your boyfriend all the time but when you start to enjoy being by yourself a lot more then being with him… it’s time to call it quits.

YOU START CONTACTING YOUR EX OUT OF THE BLUE

My last post was about being able to still be friends with your ex. I still believe in being friends with an ex is possible even if you are in a new relationship but I don’t think a constant check up and interest in what he is doing is a good sign. When you start making frequent check ups and wanting to hang out, you are obviously escaping from your current situation. It’s always more comfortable to be with someone who knows you then having to entertain the possibility of meeting someone new but when you start wanting to tell your ex about your new promotion before your current boyfriend, it might be time to rethink your situation.

You start fights on purpose

His socks being on the floor cause a huge blow out where you don’t speak for days. You complain that he’s spending too much time at work. He always wants to listen to his radio station in the car instead of considering what you want to listen to. When it feels like everything he is doing is wrong, you are looking for a way out. Sometimes it can be easier to make someone leave you then actually doing the hard work of break up.

I’ve always been amazed by couples that were together for years before they broke up. But the truth is we spend so much time in relationships in hopes that they will get better then leaving when they have ran it’s course. Terry McMillan tweeted today “We often fall in love with the wrong people and just don’t want to admit it because we’re too busy being in love.” I think the real gem is knowing when you are just going through a rough patch versus when knowing that things are so messed up there are not getting any better. I might not know the difference but what I do know is more often red flags start waving way before we actually are able to see them.

WE'RE ALL JUST LOVE JUNKIES ON THE HUNT FOR OUR NEXT FIX

I believe the older we get break ups only become more difficult to deal with. We take more thought into the people we choose as partners, the relationships are often more serious, and then when it falls apart, the failure feels a lot more heavier. It’s the opposite of most things in life, with more experience breaks ups become a lot more difficult to get through.

A recent study published by the Journal of Neurophysiology gives us a little more insight into why. Study shows a break up has similar affects on the brain as cocaine addiction. Crazy right? The thought behind this is Love is more of an addition then an actual feeling. Researchers found obsession and heartache caused by unrequited love stimulates the same areas of the brain as cocaine addicts experiencing physical pain while going through a withdrawal. Anyone who’s been through a break up can see the validity in this study. The shit is hard to kick! And there really is nothing you can do but try to get through it. Ideally we are all just freaking addicts. Love and relationships are about getting that high. Feeling invincible. Seeing life in a whole new perspective. 

The main lesson to learn from this study is that to get through a break up you got to treat it like an addiction. Stalking, sending love letters, phone calls, and begging to get back aint going to work. COLD TURKEY!! Cut it off!! And get through the pain! Maybe also we all can have a little more sympathy for our over dramatic friend constantly crying while staring at old pictures. She's a junkie, going through withdrawal. The good news is, the study show as time passes the brain activity decreased when subjects looked at a picture of their old love. In some ways love is just a fixation of the brain. In due time my friends… In due time.

To ready the full article click HERE

How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Ex?

One of my first jobs, a director’s assistant, took me to Toronto for a couple months for work. The experience I will remember because not only did I get to form lasting friendships, I met a man that changed my perspective of relationships forever.

The director and I were watching footage of a screen test when we were discussing my taste in men. It has no pattern and makes no sense. It changes all the time and it’s hard to pinpoint. As we were laughing about my fickleness (is that a word?) this gorgeous man popped on the screen and I had to catch my breath, “That’s it. That’s my type”. 

Now this man was not just fine… this man was FIIIINNNEEE. 6’3, Jamaican, muscular, beautiful lips and chocolate skin. A man who could give any woman the shivers. A couple days later on set, there he was, pensively staring at me. For some reason, regardless of knowing he was a stand in for our lead actor, I still couldn’t handle seeing him in person.

He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him and in less than a month, I was in a full-blown relationship. Dinners, shopping, family. It all happened way too quickly, but I didn’t care, I was in LOVE. Then the evitable happened, the movie wrapped and it was time for me to go back home.  Not long after I returned to LA. He came to visit for a month and to plan is soon to come big move to Lalaland. Everything was beautiful… for two weeks. Literally, two freakin weeks and then I hated him. He drove me INSANE! He was possessive, broke, and needed me to help him with everything. I remember laying in bed and thinking I will be so ok if I never see this man again. In a flash, my feelings for him were completely different. I was OVER IT. At the end of his trip, I took him to the airport and seven years later, we have never spoke. But the crazy thing is, I never had an interest in speaking to him. Dropping him off at the airport was enough closure for me and this was a man just weeks earlier I was ready to marry! Of course, I was crazy young but the fact that I could get over someone so quickly stayed with me.

Prior to him, I had similar reactions to the end of a relationship. We’re done? Cool. I’ve always been able to bounce back and ready to fall in love with the next man. Jaded? Never. Bitter? I didn’t even know what that meant. I still see Canada boy on TV and in print ads and I’m still not affected. No part of my heart strings or even reminisces. With experiences like that, I always believed in the old adage;  “it takes half of the time you are with someone to get over them”.

Granted, getting over Canada boy was a lot quicker then a month but the adage makes perfect sense. Grown ups experience each other, break up and move on. Unfortunately, that was not the case with my last one… We were together for only a year and I remember right after we broke up thinking, “Cool, I’ve broken up a hundred times, I’m a pro at this”.  Now a year later after the break up, every once in awhile I am still haunted my memories of him. So what happened to half of the relationship? Because my now, I shouldn’t even remember his name!

The ex before the ex, was complicated and messy. It was actually a longer relationship but when the time came to call it quits, it was long over do. I was back in the game, ready to find someone better than and more worthy. Sure it wasn’t a Canada bounce back but it didn’t linger like this one.

I once had the question as a facebook status “ How long does it take to get over someone”? Of course, I got multiple versions of the bull crap answer “half the time you are with someone” and then I got various “ after months of therapy”, “ until you get your back blown out ”, “ Until you find the next”.  And I realized, all of these answers had nothing to do with me but more to do with the person answering the question. You get over it when you get over it. Finding someone else definitely helps but for sure it’s not the answer. We all know plenty of people in relationships still thinking about the one before.

Leaning on my personal experiences, there are three factors that determine the length of how long it takes to get over someone: 

 You did the break up – There was no “ifs” or “would haves” it was clearly time to go and your decision 100%.

Somebody did somebody really wrong  – lying, cheating, stealing money, getting someone else pregnant, was apart of the fall. Even if you didn’t want it to end or the one who did the deceit, when it’s clear that your life is so much better without them, it’s a lot to keep it moving.

And lastly…

Being in love – The easiest way to find out if you really love someone is breaking up with them. Time apart separates lust, infatuation, and need. Knowing that they are still apart of you when you are no longer in contact is the true test of a lasting footprint on the heart.

As we get older, relationships get so much more complicated. I’m not talking about details of the relationship but more about the feelings involved. They’re deeper, richer, and so much more involved.  So I’ve learned…

How long does it take to get over a relationship? However long it takes. Period.