PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now.  She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is.  Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search?  If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs.  “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

 In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.  

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them.  I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time. 

CELEBRATING LOVE PROFILE # 1 - JO AND CAROL MUSE

My parents with my grandmother within the first year of dating. 

“Isn’t that going to be weird?”

A friend of mine asked the question when I told him I was on my way to interview my parents about their relationship. It was when I got to college that I realized the fact that my parents were still married set me apart from my friends. Moments like this I realize that I am even more of a minority because I am able to view my parents as friends when needed. Other than the obvious personal impact of my parents’ relationship, I often turn to them for clarity and understanding of my own. As I embarked on the journey of understanding the complexities of love and relationships through examples of success, it only made sense to turn to my parents for my first interview.

The year was 1969, both my parents, Jo Muse and Carol Fox were 19 and in their sophomore year of college. That night there was a Kappa dance and my mother, an AKA hopeful, did what any smart girl would do, wear red and white. In a red dress and white pearls, she knew she looked good. When her friend took off with the guy she just met, my mother didn’t think twice about ending her night. She jumped in a car with friends on their way to the after party.

My father on the other hand, was the last sober man standing at his apartment. Bored and disappointed in his weak friends, he went on to the after party alone. As my father recalls the story, he finds it interesting that he went out that night by himself. He rarely went anywhere without his boys. Especially as an Alpha. It didn’t make too much sense to go to a Kappa party alone. But it was perfect because there she was. My mother standing against the wall, waiting patiently for someone to ask her to dance. He strolled up, asked for her hand, and led her to the dance floor. Sure he could dance, and he knew how to make her laugh, but she wasn’t too sure how she felt about him. However he did have a car and that made him the perfect candidate to take her home that night. 

It took him three weeks to actually ask her out on their first date. And two years later, they found themselves in a committed relationship. It wasn’t until after graduation when Jo moved to Connecticut, their relationship moved to the next level. It quickly became clear his life was much more promising with her by his side. A year later, at the age of 23, they were married, ready to explore life together.

Now 37 years later, my parents sit next to each other laughing as they try to piece together the story of how they ended up husband and wife. At the time they got married, many of their friends who were also in relationships during college did the same. But now they are one of the few couples still together.  I asked them what makes their relationship unique. My father is the first to answer.

“The fact that we come from parents and grandparents that have never been divorced. It’s just not in our genes. And I think this fact has more to do with our expectations of marriage and our histories as families.”

My mother sees their fortune similar.

“I think that there has to be a commitment to the other person for a marriage to last. You really have to accept the person for who he/she is along with the possibility of what they can become. Marriage is a process. It is always evolving, it is not static”.

My parents, in their early 30’s, had two small children and lived check to check. During an already stressful time, my father decided to quit his job and start his own advertising company. My mother was a teacher. Somehow they were able to support me and my brother on just her salary while my father built his dream. When I think about my own life and how hard it is to support my own creative pursuits, I can’t fathom what that means while you are in relationship and a parent. This moment could only be a true testament to their commitment of marriage. My father remembers my mother during these years “ I don’t think she was ever non supportive. I’m sure she was skeptical but she was always there for me”.  My mother adds, “ It was scary but you have to trust the other person. Marriage is a partnership. It was my turn to be supportive and take the extra weight”.

There is a still beauty when they talk about commitment. It’s a word that easily falls out of their mouth, symbolic to how effortless it has showed up in their relationship. When I look at my friends and the relationships of my past, somehow we have lost the power of that virtue. When people change jobs every year, sign pre nuptial agreements and get married 5 times in a lifetime, do we really know what it commitment means?

I asked my mother, “What do you believe is the difference between women of my generation and yours?” She shakes her head in pure confusion.

“People don’t know how to stay in a relationship. Doesn’t make sense. They can’t make or stay in a commitment”.

My father adds, “ One person has to stand firm when it gets hard. It takes a certain type of insanity to stay firm when things around you shake”.

As I relayed some of the daunting statistics and what today means for Black women looking for love, my father interrupts, “This is not a Black women issue. It’s a Black men issue. It stems from the fact that 3 out of 4 males in jail are either Black or Hispanic. These are men under the age of 35. Take them out of the dating pool and of course there is going to be an impact”.

 He adds, “African American women looking to be in relationships are prizes, not dilemmas”.

My mother explains that of course she wants me to be in a relationship and one day find love, but women today have more options than women when she was growing up. Today we can date men of all races and whole-heartedly pursue dreams and careers. She finds it hard to give single women my age advice because it’s simply just a different state of affairs. She shrugs her shoulders and says, “Party on, don’t take it so seriously. Just be open”.

Regardless of the statistics or what life looks like, they both agree that if you view your life as a problem, then it will be a problem but if you see possibility then what you will have is freedom.

I let both of them end with their own advice to those seeking to have a successful relationship. My father gladly becomes the first to take the floor:

“Get over the illusion that there is someone out there. There is nobody out there. You have the opportunity to determine your own perception. Your relationship is inside of you. Relate to relationships as something you create, not something you react to. You, yourself are working out something”.

I might not know what all of that means but I understand that we can’t wait for someone to show up and fix everything for us. Our perception of our life is purely about what we interpret. Once we understand how that affects our actions then we can resolve our own issues.

 I turn to my mother for her pearls of wisdom. She rolls her eyes and chuckles “Always let him talk”.