I don’t think I know how to date. Sure, I have essentially been dating in one form or another since my first dance in the six grade but now at 32, I think I am really only truly having my first “dating” experience. For the first time, I am actually going out on numerous dates with a couple people before actually making the decision if I am interested in building a serious relationship with them. Not too revolutionary right? I assume that’s what normal people do but my dating experiences of that past haven’t been normal. They’ve gone a little something like this:
Girl meets boy, girl really likes boy, boy really likes girl, fall in love, make plans to spend the rest of their lives together to only then to crash and burn.
OR they go something like this:
Girl meets boy, girl is bored with boy, and girl gets rid of him.
I’m either head over heels or not at all interested. It’s always been my immediate infatuation with someone as well as their immediate lust for me that was the indicator of something special. But over time I came to realize that chemistry wasn’t necessary a true indication of a good relationship or true match. Sadly, intense chemistry is often about the unconscious search for someone to realize the hurt from past situations. Past boyfriend wasn’t affectionate enough? Next boyfriend ends up not being about to take his hands off of me. Of course after the high dies you realize that you’ve been in love with your idea of your partner then who they are really are. So of course now I am taking the time to get to know someone before making a concrete decision about how I feel about them. But honestly, I’m discovering old habits are hard to break especially when you’ve never experienced the opposite.
As I am taking the time to really get to know someone it’s been hard to determine what makes two people compatible. Now as I purposely date outside of what I always distinguished as my “type” with the intent of breaking the barriers created from past experiences and history. So without being able to pull from my past experiences to understand if he really likes me or if I really like him, I’m having a hard time distinguishing what the hell is going on. Since he hasn’t called me in 24 hours, does he really like me? When you eliminate infatuation and lust, how do you know when two people are really a match? Of course, there are the obvious signs like attraction, similar outlooks on life, and the ability to have fun and talk with one another but when you eliminate the intense need to be around each other or the constant want to rip each other’s clothes off, how do you know if two people are compatible for a love relationship or just a great friendship?
A good friend of mine has always said that no one should get married before the age of 35. In some ways, I’ve always thought that was a little extreme but after really taking the time to determine the difference between what I want and what I need I couldn’t imagine making a sound decision to be with one person for the rest of my life even in my late 20’s. Definitely not a decision that reflected an understanding of the difference between intense chemistry and true love. Or maybe at the end of it all, I just think way too much about these things.
As I continue to date and take things slow hopefully the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves. As time moves forward essentially the right fit will no longer be a question but more of an illustrated fact. Or at least I hope.
+1
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