Married Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring - What Does It REALLY mean?

The greatest thing about being a writer is the ability to create characters that can literally do anything as long as it’s justified in truth. A mother can suddenly decide to blow up her house as long as you build a strong empathetic reason to why. Currently I’m writing a web series on relationships and my lead character is a loyal husband who not only adores his wife but also has never struggled with the idea of monogamy. Of course he’s fantasized about other women but being with his wife and only her for the rest of his life is a thought he is more than confortable with.  When his wife brings up the idea of having an open marriage, he follows her lead with hesitation and caution. But as I began to write scenes with him at a bar getting accustomed to the idea of looking as well as touching, what do I do with that wedding ring? Would a woman welcome advances from a man wearing a wedding ring? Would a man, who isn’t extremely excited about an open marriage but willing to try, be actually ready to take off his wedding ring? And more importantly, does he have to wear a wedding ring at all?

There is a poetic moment in Blue Valentine that continues to haunt me. After Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s characters get into a huge fight at her job that ends with her getting fired and her co workers calling the police, together they get into their car and drive away. Ryan throws his wedding ring out of the window. Almost as the same time, he realizes what he did and jumps out of the car and desperately searching for the ring. Even though she hates him and just got done screaming how much she wants a divorce, she gets out of the car too and searches for the ring with him. Broken and falling out of the love, both are unable to let go of what the ring truly means for them.

In my twenties, I always saw the presence of a wedding ring on a man as the true indication of commitment and fidelity. But now after meeting plenty of men who happily wear their wedding ring and still sleep with as many women as possible, I realize that the ring really isn’t a sign of monogamy. And not necessarily true for the opposite. The absence of a wedding ring doesn’t always equal lack of commitment or adultery.

I remember a conversation I had at a 4^th of July BBQ. A friend of mine who was getting married brought up the fact that her fiancé wasn’t really interested in wearing a ring. My other friend’s boyfriend, who actually works in jewelry, even discussed his dislike of wearing jewelry on his hands. Strangely enough, after talking to other couples at the party I realized some of the men who I believed to be the most faithful and the more committed never wore their wedding ring for several of reasons. And then the clincher- my own father doesn’t wear a wedding ring and hasn’t worn one for years.

So now I wonder, what does the wedding ring mean in the first place? When you are dealing with a piece of jewelry that can come off and on, why does it hold so much power when it comes to reality of a relationship? The symbolism of the wedding ring was originally just supposed to be worn by the woman, to symbolize she was already chosen. The exchange of rings between a man and a woman did not become popular until the 20^th century. The circle, the shape of the ring, is the symbol for eternity but as we know, marriage these days has nothing to do with the idea of forever or propriety.

So now, I consider having the character I created, a loving and loyal husband, to be a man who never wears his ring symbolizing that the true commitment to a marriage is beyond what a man or a woman does with their ring finger. Essentially love is not about what you say, but more about what you do, right? 

Check out an interesting article in New York Magazine on The Naked Finger