THE LIL MAN IN MY LIFE & MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

In the middle of a conversation about coins he bends over and kisses me on the cheek. I try not to make it too much of a big deal because he doesn’t. But inside I smile. This is the first time he has ever shown me affection like that. He continues flipping the coin between heads and tails unaware of any possible interpretation of his action. Obviously it was just something he felt like doing - which only makes the kiss 10 times sweeter.

I remember the days he would refuse to hold my hand. For months, I would ask him a question and he would ignore me simply because he wasn’t interested in talking. But now, no matter where we go, even if we are just walking from the house to the car, he grabs my hand as if it’s the one thing he’s suppose to do. With that kiss, I knew I had arrived to a special place in Henry’s life.

In January when I went freelance, I decided to take a couple babysitting gigs to guarantee some income as I built clients. I had babysat Henry, 8 years old and his sister Cate 6, on and off for years but had never spent considerable time with them on a consistent weekly basis. Regardless of how many times I had previously babysat Henry, when I started to pick him up from school he wasn’t too happy. Each day I was there was a reminder that is mother was busy doing something else. But now 6 months later, Henry and I are a team. We’re best friends with inside jokes. We discuss basketball and sports and talk about movies we can’t wait to see. When he use to cry when I showed up because it was reminder that his Mom was taking off, now he runs toward me, eager to tell me the vital points of his life that I’ve missed.

Now that I most likely soon will not need babysitting anymore, I’m thinking about the time that I have spent. Initially, the desire to baby-sit was only about money but I have gained so much more. Overall, spending time with these kids has also opened my eyes to a couple misconceptions about motherhood and children that I know a lot of other single women have. Check it out:

HOUSEWIVES HAVE IT EASY

I always thought being a stay at home mom left you with more freedom then working full time. Boy was I completely wrong. Henry’s mother was a full time career woman who now stays home with the kids but I have to tell you, I have NEVER seen a more busy person. Between her husband, two children, volunteering at their school, and the basic maintenance of their gorgeous home, she is easily one of the hardest working women I know. Being a mom is a job that not only takes extreme skill but an attention to detail that I don’t know that I have. Plus it’s a gig that you never get to clock out of.

BEING WITH CHILDREN ALL DAY EVERYDAY FEELS LIKE A TRAP

I always saw myself as a working mother simply for the fact that the idea of not interacting with anyone other then my children for the majority of the day felt like a punishment (I’m obviously not ready for motherhood). But spending time with a child everyday has made me realize how satisfying and rewarding time it can be. Granted, I get to return them but I find myself feeling so lucky to be able to have that moment with them. Often when work feels stressful and I’m worried about my career it’s been those hours with Henry that has put it all in perspective for me.

MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN MUST HAPPEN BEFORE 35

Both of the women I work for got married and had children after 35. They didn’t meet their husbands until after 35. They are beautiful vivacious women happily married and happily exploring motherhood. As much as biologically there is a ticking clock, socially life happens when it’s suppose to. Who cares if it is at 32, 28, and 45? It’s still joy and love regardless of when it shows up.

A MARRIAGE IS NEVER THE SAME AFTER KIDS

This is not a misconception this is TRUTH. Not that the change is necessarily negative but it’s no longer about just the two of you. It easily becomes all about the kids. What do they need, how are they etc. Just having a conversation about your day can be difficult when a kid is sitting in the same room. More now then ever I hope that I have at least a few years with my husband to explore marriage, our relationship and build a strong foundation before kids even think of arriving.

           

The day hasn’t come yet but a huge part of me is heartbroken about my time with Henry coming to an end. No more games of basketball, frozen yogurt runs, or arguing the appropriate lyrics of a song. Being able to experience those simple moments with a child has made me appreciate motherhood so much more. Even answering the most simple questions like “What does inconvenience mean?” or making sure he’s familiar with every single song on Michael Jackson’s Thriller, has made me appreciate how much of who we are, what we like, and how we grow as people is learned.  As much as I am happy career wise to not need the babysitting but I’m definitely choked up about not having that time with him. Babysitting as an adult has been like an internship in motherhood. I think every single woman considering being a mother has to do it. It’s life changing. At least it has been for me. 

SINGLE WITH NO ATTACHMENTS V.S MARRIED WITH KIDS - WHOSE GOT THE BETTER DEAL?

In so many moments in life we seem to want what we can’t have. Ever so often when we receive what we have coveted for so long we realize life without it wasn’t so bad. So many single people experience their autonomy with uncertainty and spend being single looking forward to that magical day when they are married with kids. We, especially women, view being married and having children as the sign of full arrival – finally reaching life’s potential. The only problem is married with kids might not be as magical as we believe.

This month, New York Magazine features “All Joy and No Fun – Why parents hate parenting”. According to sociologists married couples with children are the least happy. They are happy to be parents, find joy in being “settled” but the constraints and constant worry attributed to parenting causes more stress then most realize. One of the interesting points to the article is doctors believe the rise of people being “unhappy” once having children is simply because people are getting married a lot later in life. Now we know what we are missing. Because men and women are spending more time independently living on their own, parenting couples find the autonomy that most single people complain about inviting. Remember the numerous nights alone wishing someone was there with you? Possibly years from now you will be holding a child while watching another wishing for just once to be fully alone. So maybe we all need to just hold our horses a little bit and enjoy the life that we have because at the end of the day…. we might be a lot luckier then we think.

I think it’s important for all of us single folks, men and women, to realize that being single is not a death sentence. The only reason that it might feel like that is simply because we are not fully experiencing our current stage of life. We have a life full of opportunities to go anywhere and do anything. A freedom that will no longer be apart of your life once it becomes much bigger than you.  So many of us look towards the pending future as the “answer” but as the article states married with children doesn’t bring the automatic gift of happiness.

It’s interesting to realize that the aimless feeling of not know what is happening next in life is the one emotion we could possibly be missing once we are settled. A married friend of mine admitted to going through a small depression right after tying the knot. For so long she was looking forward to finding “Him”. When she found him the next obsession was when were they going to get engaged. Once they were engaged, it was all about the wedding and once they were married she sat at home wondering what’s next? There wasn’t much to dream about. She had all that she wanted. 

I think the New York Magazine article points to the fact that we are all pretty lucky in our own way. And we really have to understand and live as such. I think once we are able to fully accept and enjoy being single we might arrive to the ability to meet someone and move into the next stage of life. I know that might sound odd right? Having to love being single to be able to move into marriage? But unfortunately the unhappiness of our present stage can essentially be the one thing holding us back from moving forward. So all the single women out there, it might be becoming “happily single” that brings the possibility of being “happily married with kids”. 

Am I making any sense here?