"DON'T BE 45 HEARTBROKEN AND CHILDLESS" - and other assumptions about a single black woman

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

I stared at the email. What started as an email correspondence wishing me happy birthday, became an unintentional attack on my life and my priorities.

A friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to often but have known for years, sent me a very sweet Happy Birthday email. As we corresponded back and forth he excitedly sent me a picture of his newborn niece. Knowing that having children in on his mind I joked that the next child born should be his. He then jokingly suggested we have a kid together. Everything was fun and games until I mentioned that I was not ready for kids anytime soon and then he hit me with:

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

Whoa… back up buddy! What does not being ready for children today have to do with what my life is going to be like in 13 years from now? Just because I am not ready now doesn’t mean I can’t and wont be ready tomorrow. For me, having children equals being in a relationship and finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A decision that takes thought and preparation. If I decide I don’t want to be a mother, I have every opportunity to be childless, happy, and in love.

 I know too many women who fall into the trap of bad relationships simply to have kids. I don’t think they doubt having their children but if they had the opportunity to have the same children with a man more compatible for them they would.  I have witnessed women having children way too early then when they were ready because every ounce of their femininity equaled marriage and motherhood.  I know women who beat themselves up mentally and spiritually because they are physically unable to bear children and the truth is they are beautiful, feminine, and have every opportunity to have a beautiful life. But they can’t see that because since we’ve all been little girls holding baby dolls we’ve been told that without children we can’t fully become a woman.

I have stated before in an earlier post that having children with the right man was more important to me then having a child. Other women have different priorities and that is fine. It’s our life, our journey, and our opportunity to have exactly what we want. The scary thing about my friend’s email was the insinuation that having children correlates to insuring you are never alone. Granted, caretaking for another human being does insure someone will be there but shouldn’t someone want to be a mother? Shouldn’t the decision to give life to another human being be much more encompassing than just feeding their fear of being alone? And we all know having a man’s child does not guarantee that he will always be your partner. Ring or no ring. The decision to have a child should simply be about wanting to become a mother. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Having a child is a gift, a blessing, not a mandate. This level of thinking is what gets lots of women in trouble- having children before they are ready and stuck in relationships with the wrong man. I’m not interested in feeling trapped. More importantly, I am not interested in being anywhere other then where I am now. When I am ready to have children, I will have children and at 32 I got a couple more years before I need to freak out. If my want to be a mother shows up after my body is unable to do the work, then I can adopt, have a surrogate, or any other of the multiple options of today.

Especially when it comes to love and having children, I’m not sure if you have to “get ready”. When you are ready, it just happens. Or when you are ready, you make it happen. Both options have nothing to do with taking action with anxiety and fear. I don’t know, maybe I am just a naïve romantic but I don’t’ see being 45 heartbroken and childless in my future. If I am 45 without children and or not married, I don’t have to be heartbroken or miserable.  Finding someone has never been my issue but finding the right one is what my journey is all about. 

WE'RE SINGLE TIL WE'RE MARRIED" - The one comment that always seems to piss someone off.

He’s tall, charismatic, witty, and he’s own person. Whenever we see each other it’s like everyone else has left the room. At a crowded party, you’ll find us in the corner laughing. Over lunch, hours have gone by before we realize we’re late for the next appointment. In some ways he’s the perfect match for me… in one way he is not. Sure, when he mentioned he had a girlfriend I was disappointed but I enjoyed hanging out with him and continued to do so. We have a true friendship but it would be ignorant to ignore there is something a little more. It’s nothing romantic but there is a bond both of us have mentioned is special. A bond between two people that doesn’t happen often.

Because he has a girlfriend, others have mentioned that I should stop being his friend. Because there is a connection that is different then your standard platonic friendship, it’s been suggested I need to stop any possibility that could be a threat to his relationship. I don’t see it like that. I respect the fact that he is in a relationship and because of that, I don’t want our friendship to be anything more than it is right now but to the suggestion to stop building upon a connection that is special to me just because he has a girlfriend is invalid. Not an option.

See, a girlfriend to me isn’t forever. A girlfriend could be forever but it doesn’t have the finality that a wife does. When you commit to a person for “forever”, what you essentially do when you get married, I believe it’s your duty to not do anything that could pose a threat to that sacred bond. But being in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to me is saying, “let’s try this out and see if it works”. In many ways, I see relationships as

 You’re Single Till You Are Married.

A lot of people are upset by this comment. This statement does not mean the commitment between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not valid. A promise is a promise, regardless of the form. But when you are in a committed relationship outside of marriage, I see it as you are off the market RIGHT NOW. Then off the market FOREVER.

Back to the relationship with my “friend”. I have no interest in “taking” him away from his girlfriend. Nor do I have an interest in building upon our friendship while he is in a relationship with another woman. I don’t believe in cheating and always thought if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are more likely to cheat on you. But I am not going to deny our deep connected friendship because of another connection he has with someone else. Especially when the two are completely different. The truth is I actually like his girlfriend. And I recognize how special she is to him. Their relationship is strong. So strong that I don’t see our friendship as a threat to their bond. Being a strong connection with another person isn’t something that happens everyday and I am not willing to let that go off of the chance of “maybe”. We’ll continue to be friends. Good Friends, until the situation is not longer beneficial to both of us. 

SINGLE WITH NO ATTACHMENTS V.S MARRIED WITH KIDS - WHOSE GOT THE BETTER DEAL?

In so many moments in life we seem to want what we can’t have. Ever so often when we receive what we have coveted for so long we realize life without it wasn’t so bad. So many single people experience their autonomy with uncertainty and spend being single looking forward to that magical day when they are married with kids. We, especially women, view being married and having children as the sign of full arrival – finally reaching life’s potential. The only problem is married with kids might not be as magical as we believe.

This month, New York Magazine features “All Joy and No Fun – Why parents hate parenting”. According to sociologists married couples with children are the least happy. They are happy to be parents, find joy in being “settled” but the constraints and constant worry attributed to parenting causes more stress then most realize. One of the interesting points to the article is doctors believe the rise of people being “unhappy” once having children is simply because people are getting married a lot later in life. Now we know what we are missing. Because men and women are spending more time independently living on their own, parenting couples find the autonomy that most single people complain about inviting. Remember the numerous nights alone wishing someone was there with you? Possibly years from now you will be holding a child while watching another wishing for just once to be fully alone. So maybe we all need to just hold our horses a little bit and enjoy the life that we have because at the end of the day…. we might be a lot luckier then we think.

I think it’s important for all of us single folks, men and women, to realize that being single is not a death sentence. The only reason that it might feel like that is simply because we are not fully experiencing our current stage of life. We have a life full of opportunities to go anywhere and do anything. A freedom that will no longer be apart of your life once it becomes much bigger than you.  So many of us look towards the pending future as the “answer” but as the article states married with children doesn’t bring the automatic gift of happiness.

It’s interesting to realize that the aimless feeling of not know what is happening next in life is the one emotion we could possibly be missing once we are settled. A married friend of mine admitted to going through a small depression right after tying the knot. For so long she was looking forward to finding “Him”. When she found him the next obsession was when were they going to get engaged. Once they were engaged, it was all about the wedding and once they were married she sat at home wondering what’s next? There wasn’t much to dream about. She had all that she wanted. 

I think the New York Magazine article points to the fact that we are all pretty lucky in our own way. And we really have to understand and live as such. I think once we are able to fully accept and enjoy being single we might arrive to the ability to meet someone and move into the next stage of life. I know that might sound odd right? Having to love being single to be able to move into marriage? But unfortunately the unhappiness of our present stage can essentially be the one thing holding us back from moving forward. So all the single women out there, it might be becoming “happily single” that brings the possibility of being “happily married with kids”. 

Am I making any sense here? 

FIVE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING SINGLE

As much as I am anxious to fall in love, every now and then I have moments of pure appreciation of being single. So much of our lives are about other people. Our jobs, friends, family, kids. We are quick to overlook the freedom to wake up when you want to, decide to have a fabulous meal even when the fridge is stalked, or something simple as never having to figure out what movie to see.

I believe the greatest gift any woman can give herself is time to be alone. Once you know you can be happy and make it through life alone, the next time you are in a relationship you know its because you want to. Not because you have to.

Here are five great things about my singlehood that are worth celebrating while they are still here:

PAPER TOWELS FOR TOILET PAPER

I can be lazy. Single and living alone means sometimes I don’t make it to the grocery store or the drug store as often as I need to. If I forget to get something before I come home, guess what? I don’t have to go back out if I don’t want to. I can use Paper towels for toilet paper and go in the morning when it’s more convenient for one person… me.

IF I AM NAUSEOUS, I’M JUST NAUSEOUS

The worst thing about having sex on a regular basis is constantly worrying if you’re Prego. I don’t care how much birth control a woman can be on, if anything is a little off your silent alarm goes haywire. Getting sick too often in one month, crying too much in one week, stomachache in the middle of the night. These are things that can happen for a number of other reasons but can cause a week of unnecessary stress when you’re in a relationship. When you’re single that stomachache is just a stomachache and life easily moves on.

3. A.M – 7.A.M. IS MINE WITH NO QUESTION

When I’m deep in a script my schedule is all over the place. Writing early in the morning, going to the gym at noon, seeing a movie at 5, back at work at 7, going to bed at 5 am. I can do that for days without any care or  true scheduling. I’m unapologetically selfish for all the right reasons. I couldn’t do that in a relationship. Even with the most understanding partner.

I CAN MOVE TO MORACCO TOMORROW

Not that I have any possible way of making that happen but it’s a possibility. I can apply for a gig out of town and the possibility doesn’t have to be a conversation. In a past relationship, the possibility of receiving a job offer in San Francisco had to be discussed. I wasn’t offered a job but we talked about what it could mean for us. It wasn’t a hard conversation but it was something I had to think about other then just wondering if I got the job or not.

MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS

I actually enjoy being a little stressed over what to wear on a first date. Flirty dress or jeans with a cute top? Heels or strappy sandals? All of it is strategic even if the guy notices or not. Looking in the mirror ready to go and not knowing at all how the night is going to play out is exciting. And all of that quickly fades away in a relationship. You don’t worry about wearing the same jeans all week and the little black dress doesn’t get seen for months.

We’re in such a hurry to get to the next phase that we miss the one we’re in. As much as I would like everything to go exactly how I want it when I want it, life doesn’t ever happen that way. When I look back at the frustrated moments of my life, its pretty clear that I went through it for a reason. This moment in my life feels strong, safe, and confident. A couple feelings that I haven't felt in awhile. Maybe it's just a moment of clarity. Regardless of how long it lasts, it sure does feel good.