UNTIL NEXT YEAR

This time of year for me is always extremely reflective. First it is thanksgiving, then my birthday, Christmas then New Years. It’s a lot and always at this time in in constant thought about what does this year mean for me and where I am going in the upcoming year. In some ways, tons of writing material is floating in my head but unfortunately it doesn't materialize that clearly. Over the past week, I’ve started to blog but then stop myself unclear about what I really want to say.  All this to say… I NEED A BREAK. Not the type of break where life is overwhelming and you have too much on your plate. It’s probably the opposite for me. I need some silence and clarity in forming where and who I am in 2011.

I think we are conditioned to “do” something. Conditioned to “fix” our lives when sometimes we just need to be.

So… I am being. Turning over the lights at Until I Get To You to make a clear distinction and focus with my blog in the year 2011.

I wish everyone a beautiful holiday and the same sense of reflection and regrouping into the new year.

See you on the other side!

With Love,

AM 

WHEN DID GAY BECOME A BAD WORD?

The Muse’s are opinionated folks. As much as I want to take credit for my wit and persistent self-assurance I’ve inherited it. So you can imagine what family dinners might be like at my house. Of course Thanksgiving continued the family tradition of heated political debates and social commentary when one of my family members, who is engaged to a woman with a young boy, mentioned that the word “gay” is not allowed to be said when the kid is around. Of course the mention of such blatant prejudice sent me brewing. Maybe I am an extreme leftist, but in my world,  gay is simply an adjective sometimes used to describe the homosexual community. It doesn’t connote judgment and is a word often used in magazines, news reports, and even in the freakin dictionary. So to not use a word that a child is easily going to hear and use in his everyday life is a disservice to his intelligence and social development. And more importantly, wouldn’t you want to teach your child the meaning of a word that he can easily pick up from someone else and develop his own definition?

Of course my lecture then got deeper as my family member mentioned that the men in the family use the word “mo” short for “homo” when they are in the presence of a gay person when the child is around. They often interchange the word “funny” as in “we have a “funny” uncle. That just set me off. I was no longer going to be nice.  The use of the words “mo” and “funny”  are not only extremely prejudice and immoral but are even more damaging then the word gay. The belief and ideology behind both words are exactly what breeds homophobia as well as the incessant bullying and self-loathing of gay teens that is deeply affecting our country today.

My family member now upset that I would challenge his fiancé’s decision in raising her own child shouted that as a single woman without any children, I had no right to discuss someone else’s choice is raising their own child. Of course how a person decides to raise their child is their choice but I unfortunately am still entitled to my opinion.

People with children use the fact that someone doesn’t have a child as an argument against opinion and judgment. But the truth is the ability to have a child does not immediately make anyone an expert of child rearing while not having a child does not negate validity of belief. Just because I don’t have a child does not mean that I wouldn’t and can’t make decisions about raising one. Sure, someone with a child knows more about raising children that I do but my lack of being a mother doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t be a good mother.

My mother, an elementary school principal, playing devil’s advocate added that she has a difficult time with the word also. The district doesn’t allow her to teach students what gay means in retrospect to homosexuality because many parents believe the school shouldn’t teaching children about sexuality.  But homosexuality exists. Just like heterosexuality does.  Not teaching the word does not allow people to ignore the fact that people are born everyday liking and loving those of the same sex. Not teaching a child the word gay can’t and won’t erase homosexuality. If children can learn what a male or female is, what marriage is, why can’t they simply know what gay means?

At the end, we agreed to just disagree and after much debating I allowed my opinion to be just that - an opinion. But the discussion still bothers me. Homosexuality has become more accepted then ever before but we are still afraid of children knowing what loving someone of the same sex means. Can someone help me. What exactly is in the fear of a child knowing what gay means? My liberal single childless mind just doesn’t understand. 

"DON'T BE 45 HEARTBROKEN AND CHILDLESS" - and other assumptions about a single black woman

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

I stared at the email. What started as an email correspondence wishing me happy birthday, became an unintentional attack on my life and my priorities.

A friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to often but have known for years, sent me a very sweet Happy Birthday email. As we corresponded back and forth he excitedly sent me a picture of his newborn niece. Knowing that having children in on his mind I joked that the next child born should be his. He then jokingly suggested we have a kid together. Everything was fun and games until I mentioned that I was not ready for kids anytime soon and then he hit me with:

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

Whoa… back up buddy! What does not being ready for children today have to do with what my life is going to be like in 13 years from now? Just because I am not ready now doesn’t mean I can’t and wont be ready tomorrow. For me, having children equals being in a relationship and finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A decision that takes thought and preparation. If I decide I don’t want to be a mother, I have every opportunity to be childless, happy, and in love.

 I know too many women who fall into the trap of bad relationships simply to have kids. I don’t think they doubt having their children but if they had the opportunity to have the same children with a man more compatible for them they would.  I have witnessed women having children way too early then when they were ready because every ounce of their femininity equaled marriage and motherhood.  I know women who beat themselves up mentally and spiritually because they are physically unable to bear children and the truth is they are beautiful, feminine, and have every opportunity to have a beautiful life. But they can’t see that because since we’ve all been little girls holding baby dolls we’ve been told that without children we can’t fully become a woman.

I have stated before in an earlier post that having children with the right man was more important to me then having a child. Other women have different priorities and that is fine. It’s our life, our journey, and our opportunity to have exactly what we want. The scary thing about my friend’s email was the insinuation that having children correlates to insuring you are never alone. Granted, caretaking for another human being does insure someone will be there but shouldn’t someone want to be a mother? Shouldn’t the decision to give life to another human being be much more encompassing than just feeding their fear of being alone? And we all know having a man’s child does not guarantee that he will always be your partner. Ring or no ring. The decision to have a child should simply be about wanting to become a mother. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Having a child is a gift, a blessing, not a mandate. This level of thinking is what gets lots of women in trouble- having children before they are ready and stuck in relationships with the wrong man. I’m not interested in feeling trapped. More importantly, I am not interested in being anywhere other then where I am now. When I am ready to have children, I will have children and at 32 I got a couple more years before I need to freak out. If my want to be a mother shows up after my body is unable to do the work, then I can adopt, have a surrogate, or any other of the multiple options of today.

Especially when it comes to love and having children, I’m not sure if you have to “get ready”. When you are ready, it just happens. Or when you are ready, you make it happen. Both options have nothing to do with taking action with anxiety and fear. I don’t know, maybe I am just a naïve romantic but I don’t’ see being 45 heartbroken and childless in my future. If I am 45 without children and or not married, I don’t have to be heartbroken or miserable.  Finding someone has never been my issue but finding the right one is what my journey is all about.