Bishop Eddie Long And The Real Issue We're Up Against

My blog was solely created to discuss my constant fascination with love and relationships, but my heart has been so heavy with the Bishop Eddie Long scandal that I could not help to give my two cents. I am affected by the news in a way that most people are not. When people are either laughing at yet another fallen religious leader or questioning his sexual orientation I see the issue as an opportunity to discuss the unfair assumption of sexuality that we as a society place on black men. You see what Bishop Eddie Long is facing really has nothing to do with his sexuality and the fact that people cannot see the difference breaks my heart.  I believe it constant ignorance and prejudice regarding sexuality and gender that contributes to the devastating continuation of sexual deviance.

On Sunday, after Mr. Long addressed his church, many people over Twitter began to respond with comments about his sexuality. “He’s so gay and he wants no one to know”. Or the opposite sentiment but with the same assumption “ Who cares if Eddie Long is gay. Let’s just get over it”. While one commenter sees sexuality as a secret characteristic worth seeking out, the other comes from a place of acceptance- but both completely ignore the most important issue at hand:

SEXUAL ABUSE IS AN ISSUE OF POWER AND MANIPULATION MORE THAN AN ISSUE OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION

If the issue was solely about Eddie Long being a gay man then what we would be exploring is his secretive relationship with a man, but in fact what is being investigated is Eddie Long using his position as a church leader to influence and manipulate young men into performing sexual acts. What Eddie Long is being accused of is not being gay – he’s being accused of sexual molestation and more importantly violating another human being through manipulation and power. Somehow that is easily being overlooked.

 On Sunday I tweeted “If the allegations are true, Eddie Long is NOT a gay man- he’s a sexual deviant-molester-abuser”. Immediately I began to receive various “thank yous” from gay men who immediately understood my point. But I also received replies innocently asking for an explanation. As one girl asked,” I don’t understand. Can you explain? Isn’t being gay attracted to the same sex?”  My comment was not about making a proclaiming his sexuality. It was about bringing attention to the fact that being a sexual predator is not a diagnosis of sexuality. Eddie Long’s sexuality is not being investigated. Sexual abuse is the issue at hand. Somehow not every one sees or understands that there is an actual difference.

Because the alleged act is between individuals of the same sex, it is somehow pushing the issue of abuse under the table. I find the whole thing bizarre and heartbreaking! In various Internet comment sections discussing the issue, there are multiple comments like this one:  “How could they be abused when they were 16 years old? They knew what they were doing.” Then I have to ask: What happens if you place a 16-year-old girl in the situation? Would people easily oversee the issue of abuse and molestation simply because of her age? Does that mean a 40-year-old woman cannot be fondled without her consent or even manipulated into a sexual act in fear of being fired from her job or threatened with bodily harm? Would we immediately say a woman couldn’t be raped at 16 because she obviously knows what sex is at that age? Because the issue involves men- and especially black men- no one seems to see or even care how these boys could have been victims.

Through this issue I cannot help but feel pain and sorrow for men as a whole. Regardless of sexuality and race, a man’s masculinity is directly correlated to his sexuality in a way that is beyond crippling. A true “man” is a sexual warrior, glorified by the amount of sex he has and his various conquests. A woman has the ability to be sexualized regardless of how she expresses sexuality. Women who are virgins are seen as hot and even sexy and often the least number of sexual partners increases a woman’s value. If a man is not having sex, something is wrong with him. If he is still a virgin, he’s not a “man”. And those that are not expressing themselves sexually often have their sexuality questioned. No wonder why there are so many men with repressed sexuality in the churches, so many sexual crimes against women by men, and so many men afraid of “coming out”.  Crossing both heterosexuality and homosexuality we have made it so hard for a man to simply be… just who he is.

Regardless of the lives altered by whatever happened under Bishop Eddie Long’s parish, I hope that the one possible positive light through this scandal is a dialogue regarding men and sexuality. 1 in 6 men are sexually abused before the age of 16. So many of them keep it a secret and never discuss it because they are in fear of their own masculinity being questioned. The longer we continue to ignore the possibility of men being victimized sexually, the more sexual predators we allow to continue to hurt others. 

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? And other relationship questions from Tyrese

The power of reality TV is amazing. I had never really paid much attention to LaLa or Carmelo Anthony before, but after watching LaLa’s Full Court Wedding I have a newfound appreciation for Ms. Lala. And their son Kiyan? He’s got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen?! Besides their to die for offspring, my favorite moment of the premiere episode on Sunday was when Lala had lunch with her best guy friend, Tyrese. As soon as she sits down, Tyrese goes in hard with the questions. He asks, “You’ve mastered being a girlfriend, are you ready to be a wife?”  He points out that being a girlfriend is different from being a fiancé, which is completely different from being someone’s wife. The question might seem obvious to some but seriously….how many people actually enter a marriage understanding that they are building something different than the last couple years in a relationship?

Things got a little controversial when Tyrese asked why Lala wasn’t hanging out with married women. He went on to say that her single friends were no longer in the same space as she was in and to have a successful marriage she needed to not only hang out with married women but also hang out with women who actually have been married for a while.

Now, as a single woman who is currently going through shifts in my friendships as others settle into relationships, I immediately became defensive. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean his or her values are different A married woman can dismiss monogamy while a single woman can value it. Current relationship status does not correlate to morals or values. How dare he make such a blanket assumption?! But then I remembered the study that came out earlier this year.

Studies show that divorce is contagious within social networks. If you are in a social group of friends where one couple gets divorced, that decision can cause others to do the same. Not only can the divorce affect friends and family of the couple divorcing, but it can also affect relationships two degrees removed. The thought behind the study is marriage is hard. It’s not pretty and if others around you see divorce as an option, you will begin to see it as an option too. My own life played out similar to this study. Two years ago, my two close friends and I all went through major break ups within a two-week span. At the time we all thought it was just a coincidence but could it be possible that breaking up transferred between the three of us like a virus? Ironically (or not) the same happened around my ex boyfriend. After our break up, two of his friends began to go through serious break ups of their own.

So maybe Tyrese isn’t too off. There seems to be some validity in his request for Lala to be around married women.  But I would take it a step further and add that it’s not just marriage status but more about being around like-minded women. Women who value maintaining a strong family foundation. We all know just being married doesn’t mean you got your priorities straight. Especially in LA.

Dr. James Fowler, the doctor that completed the study of divorce, also wrote Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks, a book about how we are all deeply affected by the people around us. Our connection to friends, family, and colleagues goes deeper than just  our relationship status. Who we hang out affects our political views, what we we eat, and even how much we weigh.  Therefore, Tyrese’s argument for Lala to be around women who are in the same stage of life really is good advice for everyone. We need to choose who we associate with wisely. Not on a superficial level but on a spiritual and intellectual level. We should choose our friends by what is important to us and who we want to be at that given time. Through life, morals and values change which only supports why friendships change through out time. Check out the people around you. Are they people that you respect? Are their lives in line with yours? Sure, it’s sad to see friendships come and go but in LaLa’s case, the effect of a wrong friendship is much stronger than it might appear. 

DOUBLE TAKE - Looking at the 40 Year Old Man From A New Perspective

If there is any running theme of my blog it is the fact that I end up admitting I’ve been wrong about a couple things. Maybe it’s just 2010 but I am realizing that a lot of perceptions I have had about men and dating… were not necessarily on point. Doesn’t mean I am always wrong… just means I am growing.

I’ve always said that if you meet a man 40 and over who hasn’t had a serious relationship – stay away. Something is obviously wrong with him. The thought was a man’s options for companionship are greater then a woman’s. Therefore, if a man can get to his 40’s without a failed long-term relationship or even a divorce, he must be tainted. If nobody wants him, why should you? Extremely judgmental, I know but what can I say- it’s not like my theory is based on improbable factors?

Earlier this week, I had a brief conversation with a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. The conversation turned to relationships and the maturity we have gained, as we have gotten older. I mentioned that there is a misconception about men (black men specifically) that they do not want to get into relationships and I don’t believe that is true. I think the reason that men are not pressed to be in relationships like women so often as is simply a numbers game + a whole bunch of deeper issues regarding race and financial stability. Often we overlook the facts that cause such a blanket statement like “men are not interested in settling down”. His point was that he wished he could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him that being worried about the club wouldn’t serve him years later. He wished that he had understood the value of family and relationships much earlier so that it was a priority for him. Building a family could possibly bring much more gratification then the cars, money, and status that he so much hoped for in his 20’s and early 30’s. He is not a father but he is in a relationship. He is a good man in his late 30’s with being 40 just days away.

His comment made me think of a moment I had at my grandmother’s house a couple years ago. I was at her farm in Mississippi, in her house that she was born in. A house that her 10 siblings all had been born in. A structure that quickly became the status of family for us all. Her home has been in my family for over 100 years. It just hit me; family had been the “dream” for her and others of her generation. That was the priority and the driving force of life. When family is an afterthought to career it doesn’t happen with the same level of success. For my friend, building the foundation for a strong relationship did not become important to him until later in his life simply because having money and having success was more important. Plus with the options in surplus when it comes to women, there was never a sense of urgency. He opportunity to have “faux”intimacy was easily available. Therefore his values didn’t change until his late 30’s. He also mentioned he wished he had examples of men around him that valued having a family and strong relationship when he was younger. Seeing someone his age with a lil mini me would have helped him to see the other side.

Then I started to think how could I blame these men for simply chasing what we know as the “American Dream”. Were bombarded by it every single day! Our figures of masculine and ultimate success are Puffy and Jay-Z! Thank you for Barack because now we have something else to counterpart the ideal. As I have experienced in my own relationship sagas, men without true stability in their careers are just unavailable to having a serious relationship that requires sacrifice and attention.

I find myself often chasing the same ideal of “success”. As some of my friends are beginning to panic about their window of chance to have children, I realize I don’t have that same alarm clock. At least right now I don’t right now.  At the age of 31, obsessed with achieving success as a screenwriter, I might have similar ideals to my late 30’s male counterpart then I would like to admit. On this weeks season premiere of Parenthood, Joy Bryant’s character is living in NY dancing for Alvin Ailey while trying to hold together a relationship with Dax Shepard in California. She’s planning a trip to visit him and at the last minute she cancels the trip for a last minute audition. It was heartbreaking as I foresaw the inevitable- the relationship wasn’t going to last but it was so real, her dancing career is something she has been building since she was a child, the last thing she was going to do was blow a chance to do something she has been waiting her whole life for. I understood her.

 All this to say that I can now see how a good man can find himself 40, single, and long list of short lived relationships coloring his dating past. It some ways I might prefer having a man who decided to try it with me then having a list of women he tried to make it work with and failed. We make the stipulations regarding race, age, and finances when it comes to relationships. That’s not made from God and truth is, the majority of what we are worried about and trying so hard to plan life against simply isn’t true unless we believe it. 

FINALLY, HE SPEAKS TO ME - Thoughts on "For Colored Girls" Trailer

The Broadway production poster of For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf was in my aunt’s home when I was a kid. The image makes me think of her but more importantly, I have always considered the poster the illustration of what it means to be an African American Woman. Strong. Powerful. Bold. I have memories of seeing parts of TV Movie when I was barely four years old and I also read the book in college but I have never seen the play. Bits and pieces form my memory of Ntozake Shange’s play but I’ve always held the play very close to me and seen it as one of the very few pieces of art that Black Women could consider their own. So as you can imagine, when I heard that Tyler Perry was directing and writing I got nervous. And a little offended. This was not a piece of work that you can write in 3 days and then shoot in 4. This is not a movie you can throw towards a movie theater in hopes of a big opening weekend. For Colored Girl’s needed to be treated with care and praise. The thousands of black women who carried the same memory of the work like I did needed to be considered.

Today the trailer was released and I have to say, finally I feel like Tyler Perry is speaking to me. Even though I am a black female with spirituality, I never related to his characters or films. They felt just as foreign to my experience as The Royal Tenenbaums. The trailer presents an experience that I can possibly relate to. The story of various black women and their relationships in America. Of course the jury is still out but off of this trailer, I am going to this film and I am getting a group of women to go with me on opening weekend. I'm intrigued and a proud supporter. 

Check out the trailer below: 

WHY WE SCREW RELATIONSHIPS UP - ONE NIGHT WITH DR. PAT ALLEN

I googled "Unhappy Couple" and this picture came up. 

A girlfriend of mine had told me about Dr. Pat Allen. She had gone to her Monday night lectures and was blown away. I had heard Dr. Allen mentioned from both Marianne Williamson and Rev. Michael but I was already going to Agape on Sundays and then seeing Marianne every once in awhile on Tuesdays; did I really want to take in another lecture? Especially one on relationships? When do you have time for living if all you do is go listen to people talk? But I was curious, so I finally got my act together and went. The theater is a little odd and the crowd is so eclectic, you can’t make any sense out of where you are and what you’ve got yourself in to. But in just an hour and a half, believe it or not, all of my questions regarding relationships were answered.

Dr. Pat Allen is no joke. A 70-year-old white woman who isn’t afraid to give you the truth. There is no such thing as sugar coating in Dr. Pat Allen’s world. Honestly, she moves and thinks in a very liberal way that I’m blown away by her age! She’s more vibrant then many 30 year olds I know! And she’s been doing relationship counseling (aside from her therapy) for 36 years. If more people understood the communication patterns of men and women from her perspective, I’m telling you, besides romantic relationships, a lot of the conflicts of the world will be resolved.

What ran so true for me was that we all play a role in a relationship. The yin and yang. One person is yin, and the other is yang. But the problem is we often want to switch up the roles. Yin wants to be yang and then gets upset when yang isn’t playing yin. Are you following me? To make it simpler: In all relationships, regarding sexual orientation, gender or race, there is a male energy and a female energy. If one partner wants to exert their female energy they are more compatible with someone who exerts their male energy. But ever so often the one who is exerting the female energy will be upset that they are being asked to play the “female” role and then will want to be seen from a masculine perspective but still wanting to be treated from the female. All this to say, we are all confused and want to it all when essentially relationships just don’t play that way.

The lecture of course made me think of my past relationships. Years ago I fell in love with what she would describe as a “Peter Pan” - a man who loved to play but hated to work and naturally I took on the nurturing role. But I then got tired of being the nurture and wanted him to be a “man”. But he couldn’t be a “man” when he was fully committed to being “Peter Pan”. Of course this caused so much frustration and dissatisfaction. We all have the choice to change who and what we want in a relationship but we can’t be upset when our partner isn’t able to be different from who and what they are. Another example: If I fall in love with a “Sugar Daddy” I can’t be upset if all he does is show love through material possessions.

I think the real issue in relationships for a lot of women is that we want to play both roles. We want to be respected for our work. We lose ourselves in our careers but expect a man to cherish us and to lead us. The problem is we are so use to being the boss in other aspects of our lives we aren’t willing to give up leading, and are not interested in being with a man who has no issue with being lead. We’re all over the place and the uncomfortable truth is WE CAN NOT HAVE IT ALL. I am not saying we can’t have great careers, great husbands, and a wonderful social life. In that sense, yes, I believe we can have it all but we can’t play all roles. In relationships, someone is the yin and someone is the yang. Essentially, we choose one, play our role and we can’t complain about it.

The last thing that Dr. Pat Allen said that blew my mind was that we “can not commit ourselves to the person but we have to commit ourselves to the relationship”. What she is saying is that as human beings, we have tons of faults. We are far from perfect and are going to make mistakes. Therefore, when you enter a relationship, you can’t commit to who that person is because guess what? It is going to change. One day they will do something out of character, do the opposite of what they always promised therefore you have to commit yourself to having a relationship with that person and stay committed to the commitment.

I don’t know about you guys but that just clarified so many mistakes of my past and just gives me a real clear guideline to deciding what I want in the future. What role do I want to play? What kind of man do I REALLY want? I think more then often we don’t know what we want and end up looking for the wrong things. With a clear understanding of who we are and where we really want to go we will only be more equipped to choose the right relationship for us.

If you are in Los Angeles, please check out Dr. Pat Allen. Monday nights, 7pm to 8:30. It’s Men and Women. Gay, Straight. Singles. Couples. It’s for everyone. I guarantee it will be eye opening and at least… very interesting. 

SIX SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT

Right now I am working on a rewrite of a script where a man is devastated of the loss of his marriage and goes through some drastic changes in hopes of them getting back together. But the problem is the relationship was over way before he realized it and he ends up chasing the memory of the good relationship that hasn’t been around for years. It’s amazing how much clarity we receive about relationships after the fact but when we are in them we can’t see a thing. Therefore, my mind started to create the following list…

Six Signs Your Relationship is Over Before You Know It:

YOU CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX

Sure, couples go in and out of phases where they have more sex then others. But if the thought of sex hasn’t entered your mind then there is a problem. If someone else’s discussion about their sex life sparks the memory that you haven’t had sex with your partner is a long time…you’ve lost interest. This means you haven’t missed it. Sex has fallen off the radar and your boyfriend is quickly becoming a best friend.

HE DOESN’T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALL AND YOU IMMEDIATELY THINK HE IS CHEATING

 I always said I would rather have my man cheat on me then become suspicious of it. I know that sounds odd but for anyone who has been cheated on, not being able to trust someone is excruciating, frustrating and damn right stressful. Every moment becomes a possible time of deceit. I remember waking a friend up at 6 am to come with me to spy on my boyfriend’s apartment building. Yeah – not one of my brightest moments. Therefore I’ve always valued the ability to trust my partner. The moment you can’t trust your partner for some reasons like not returning a phone call quickly enough is a sign that you two are going downhill.

You begin to embellish details of your relationship

If you start telling your friends about the amazing dinner he cooked for you when it was really just heating up Top Ramen leftovers you already have your foot out the door without even knowing it. You’re living in a fantasy of another relationship that is not yours. I can always tell when a friends relationship is going to last or not by if she is willing to tell the truth about it. When she’s able to complain about the small stuff and admit he’s not perfect as well as gush about him then I know she’s really in it. It’s the ones who are always happy and he is always perfect that always makes me wonder what’s really going on.

You lie to spend time by yourself

I remember when one of my boyfriend’s would stress me out so much that I would lie about having a work event just so I can spend time by myself. Being in a room without having to be around him was a release. Of course also a huge sign that the relationship was heading towards a break up and quick. Not that you have to want to be with your boyfriend all the time but when you start to enjoy being by yourself a lot more then being with him… it’s time to call it quits.

YOU START CONTACTING YOUR EX OUT OF THE BLUE

My last post was about being able to still be friends with your ex. I still believe in being friends with an ex is possible even if you are in a new relationship but I don’t think a constant check up and interest in what he is doing is a good sign. When you start making frequent check ups and wanting to hang out, you are obviously escaping from your current situation. It’s always more comfortable to be with someone who knows you then having to entertain the possibility of meeting someone new but when you start wanting to tell your ex about your new promotion before your current boyfriend, it might be time to rethink your situation.

You start fights on purpose

His socks being on the floor cause a huge blow out where you don’t speak for days. You complain that he’s spending too much time at work. He always wants to listen to his radio station in the car instead of considering what you want to listen to. When it feels like everything he is doing is wrong, you are looking for a way out. Sometimes it can be easier to make someone leave you then actually doing the hard work of break up.

I’ve always been amazed by couples that were together for years before they broke up. But the truth is we spend so much time in relationships in hopes that they will get better then leaving when they have ran it’s course. Terry McMillan tweeted today “We often fall in love with the wrong people and just don’t want to admit it because we’re too busy being in love.” I think the real gem is knowing when you are just going through a rough patch versus when knowing that things are so messed up there are not getting any better. I might not know the difference but what I do know is more often red flags start waving way before we actually are able to see them.

The Ex Factor

The beauty of relationships: The one person that you thought was the greatest invention to walk this earth can easily become the one person you can’t stand to look at.  I never could fully understand the idea of our past relationships simply become memories in a shoebox. Through our social understanding of breaking up, two people who were such an important factor in each other’s lives are to never speak again. I’m not sure if that is really the best thing for both people but it is what we do.

After the burn of a break up settles, I always have kept the possibility of contact with my exes open. Now, this is not about us hanging out like were best friends (even though I do that with some of them) but more about the door of communication never being locked. If I needed them for whatever reason or if I wondered how they were doing, I know I could reach out. Just like everyone else, I need my moment of distance to fully move on but also a huge part of moving on for me knows that we have forgiven, happily leaving our issues in the past. I once happily attended the wedding of an ex. Another ex even felt comfortable to call me for help in getting his current girlfriend’s engagement ring. Both men held a significant place in my life but the conversation was and has always been nothing but love. There was something that we mutually enjoyed and loved about the other and even though we are no longer in a relationship it doesn’t mean that connection no longer exists. It just means it exists in a new way.

Those that know me know I’ve never taken my relationships lightly. The men who I allow to enter my life as my so-called partner are people that I am deeply connected to. I don’t date people for the simple reason of dating. Relationships hold a very emotional and spiritual place in my life therefore when the relationship comes to an end; they have never been and will never be people who are disposable. My life does not move to a place as if they never existed.

I am a supporter of space and time to get over a failed relationship. There is no way to fully move on when people are friends and never create distance. But that doesn’t mean exes can’t not in due time be friends. On a spiritual level, exes are people who sometimes know you more than you know yourself. They are people who have shaped who you are and where you are going. I believe there is a beautiful reverence in that connection worth respecting.

As much as I am in communication with the majority of my ex boyfriends, there are a couple that want nothing to do with me. As much as it hurts, I try to take it as a compliment. The greatest indication of truly letting go is the ability to want nothing but the best for them. Regardless of time, space, and pain, the beautiful characteristics that drew me to my boyfriends of the past still remain. Even though it did not work out, I am thankful they gave love a try with me.

HOW TO DATE A WHITE GUY

Friday night I had an “Aha Moment”.

I went to a house party with my close friend Cole. Anyone who has ever met him will never forget him. If that’s a good thing or a bad thing depends on the person and the interaction. As a good-looking, charming white boy, he’s a lover of women. Before meeting me he admitted to not having many black friends and now Cole has become an honorary member of my family. The most interesting thing about him is regardless of not being raised in a racially diverse area he’s beautifully ignorant to having preconceived notions regarding race. Sure he is possible of an ignorant racial comment like anyone else but when it comes to women, we are all just that-women. If he is interested no preconceived notion of race is going to stop him. And he is crazy confidence where anyone to him is fair game.  This is the complete opposite of my interaction with other white men. Growing up in a racially diverse area, I have friends of all races but at an early age I somehow decided that white men weren’t really attracted to me. Not that I have really chased after them but somehow along the way I learned that black men were the ones that appreciated what I had to offer.

Because of this, black women who dated white men always baffled me. Through the years I have had plenty of friends with dark skin and big booties who get hit on by white men constantly. It’s like they have a secret GPS system – white men looking for a sista knew where to find her.  Even though I have been attracted to white men and have had my occasional make out session, I’ve always left the reason to why I haven’t seriously dated outside of my race to "it's just not my thing”.

The other night when I went to meet Cole, I didn’t expect it to be a night that I would meet anyone simply because I knew the majority of the people there would be white. I was excited to hang with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I was in a festive mood, I worked the room and had a really good time. But when we left, Cole commented on how many of his friends were all over me. As he saw it, I had caught the majority of the men’s attention the minute I walked through the door.

HUH?

Whatever he saw was the exact opposite of what I experienced. People of course were friendly but as I saw it nobody was checking for me. No one had given me that look; asked for my number, or flirted strong enough to make it known I was on his radar. But as Cole explained it, he might be confidently aggressive, but a lot of white men are not. Especially when it comes to Black women. What I learned that night was the guy who nicely commented on my perfume was actually flirting with me. And when he talked to me for the next 15 minutes about college he wasn’t just being friendly but actually showing me he was interested. The guy that asked me numerous times if I needed a drink wasn’t just being a good host. And the guy that talked to me about the epidemic of everyone around us having children wasn’t actually gay but giving me his version of game.

I use to a black man’s swag. He’s air of confidence, the strength in which he carries himself. If this confidence is real or not, he knows he has to approach without any sense of doubt. When you’re on his radar, it’s known. I know a black man’s language so well I don’t need to question if he is interested or not but what I am realizing is the obvious- you can’t expect the same approach from a white man!

All these years I’ve been expecting the same approach but white men essentially speak a different language. They are not as aggressive spend more time chatting, and need to receive a little more play from a woman before they make their interest known. So essentially, I have been hit on by a lot of white men but because I’m not privy to the advance, it’s completely gone unnoticed. And I am guessing I am not the only black woman who has missed this. I was approached by numerous men in one night and had no idea. The reason that they did not become possible dates was simply my fault; I never gave anyone the green light. There was even one guy I thought was cute. I actually thought when we were talking “ I bet he would be a fun date” but never saw him as a real option.

Sure there are exceptions to the rule and not all people in racial groups are exactly the same but we are all socially conditioned by where we group up and what we experience. Therefore, the lesson might seem to be about men and race, it’s really about how much we unconsciously block ourselves. As I sit back and think, I think I remember exactly that moment when I decided that white men were not interested in me. It was 9^th grade, very early in my first year in high school. I was walking with two of my friends after school, a White girl and an Asian girl. Some white kid who I didn’t know said, “Why are you walking with her?” I think my friends told him he was a loser and we kept on walking without missing a step but I believed I internalized that moment to exemplify that not everyone was going to get me and I wasn’t interested being around anyone who didn’t. That idiot became the poster child of all white men in my brain. One moment that probably lasted less then 30 seconds colored my perception of what others thought of me for nearly 20 years. A moment so powerful I lived my life without me being fully aware of it. This memory causes me to wonder about other memories, or false interpretations of experiences, that have painted similar unrealistic truth.

What I do know is that from now on when it comes to dating, every man IS an option until he’s not. This is exactly the opposite of how I have been playing the dating game for years. I’ve always waited for a man to show his interest essentially seeing my dating world, as every man wasn’t an option until they were. But life is way too short for that. The life I have always envisioned for myself has never been about limitations or boxed in expectations and here I have been living with them all along. So now… I am excited.

With my new shift of reality, dating can only be a whole new experience for me.

And hopefully… a lot more great stories to come… 

MY LIFE - FOCUSED YET LOST

Lately I have been so confused about my career and where I am going that it’s been hard for me to write about relationships. It feels trivial to ponder when I am going to meet someone when my career is at a place that requires me to stay focused on exactly where I want it to go. Plus… I’m not dating. I haven’t been on a date in over 4 months. I can’t tell you the last time a man approached me with any interest of taking me out. In a way, it’s been liberating to not think about that part of my life. Last weekend I went to Kiss N Grind MJ Birthday Event and danced all night. It was a much-needed release. Not to worry about how cute my outfit was, who was there and if he was looking my way. It was there with the pure motivation to dance (and to stare at my crush Questlove but that’s another post). While I was there I saw a friend who looked fierce - bangin stilettos, amazing earrings, great make up but she was pissed. She hung out near the side mad that none of the men in the room were asking the women to dance. Truthfully, I was too busy listening to the music to even notice. And I was extremely grateful for that. For months I made finding a date such a focused pursuit that I found myself unhappy. Mad that I put my best fit on and nobody noticed. Mad that again on a Friday night I was home alone. Pissed off that the blind date that I had was a waste of time and energy. Now giving all of that energy up I feel more relaxed, more free to worry about my writing career and honestly, more freedom to focus on my creativity.

The only problem is that I actually would like to date. I’m probably one of the few people that actually enjoys going on a first date – knowing nothing about the person across from me and wondering what this chance meeting is going to bring. I just don’t like putting focused energy on dating to make it happen. I miss the days of my 20’s where literally I would meet men all the time. Sure, half of the men that I was open to going out with were mistakes but there was a freedom and an overall sense of possibility and ease that allowed meeting people to feel of abundance. I think somewhere around our 20’s, for men and women, it begins to feel meek and exhausting. Dating doesn’t feel so easy anymore.

As I explained to my Life Coach that I want to start dating again but I wasn’t interested in making it such a focused effort, she explained to me that for people my age, you can’t just relay on meeting someone as you walk through your daily life. Especially for a woman like me, in her early 30’s with an interest in having children one day, I needed to put a concentrated effort in that section of my life – just like I do for my career. She suggested that if it’s not online dating (which I have already told you how much I hate) that I should make a list of meet up groups, and visit happy hours by myself. But when did dating become such a task? Where is the fun and spontaneity of meeting someone when it becomes just as taxing as creating your dream career?

I have no interest in doing any of what she suggested and honestly I don’t know how you could approach dating in that matter and actually have fun. But I am beginning to worry. Is my reluctance to approach dating which just as much focus and thoughts as my career just another example of how the modern day woman has traded in love for career success? Just like Paula Patton’s character in JUST WRIGHT, I’ve known women who decided what kind of men they wanted and placed every effort into becoming the woman that man would want. There wasn’t any interest in their career or establishing who they are independently from whom they are with. And guess what? Those women got exactly what they wanted. But I do know other women who did what I am doing. Practiced being the best version of themselves and after years of doubt and worry, they did find someone just as I hope to. The only problem is as much as I want to refute every ounce of my life coach’s theory, there is a part of it that I can’t ignore- I don’t meet people as easily and effortlessly as I did when I was younger. How much can I expect to experience life as I did years ago when things have changed?

Or maybe the truth is finding someone is just not that important to me. As I get older I wonder how important is getting married and having kids in relation to fulfilling my life long dream of screenwriting. Honestly, if a genie showed up today and held a husband and kids in one hand and the career of my dreams in the other I don’t know which one I would choose.

All I know is I have no interest in throwing on a pencil shirt, heels and a clutch to stand in a room full of men by myself on a Wednesday night looking for the next catch. I enjoy the freedom I experience in my life at the moment as I focus on making my dreams come true. And part of that dream is the day I am sitting in front of my computer, deep within a story only to look up and find myself recognizing a man that I have yet to meet. Call me a homeless romantic or call me a woman who knows my path so strongly that there is no reason to waver.