Monday, September 20, 2010

DOUBLE TAKE - Looking at the 40 Year Old Man From A New Perspective




If there is any running theme of my blog it is the fact that I end up admitting I’ve been wrong about a couple things. Maybe it’s just 2010 but I am realizing that a lot of perceptions I have had about men and dating… were not necessarily on point. Doesn’t mean I am always wrong… just means I am growing.

I’ve always said that if you meet a man 40 and over who hasn’t had a serious relationship – stay away. Something is obviously wrong with him. The thought was a man’s options for companionship are greater then a woman’s. Therefore, if a man can get to his 40’s without a failed long-term relationship or even a divorce, he must be tainted. If nobody wants him, why should you? Extremely judgmental, I know but what can I say- it’s not like my theory is based on improbable factors?

Earlier this week, I had a brief conversation with a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. The conversation turned to relationships and the maturity we have gained, as we have gotten older. I mentioned that there is a misconception about men (black men specifically) that they do not want to get into relationships and I don’t believe that is true. I think the reason that men are not pressed to be in relationships like women so often as is simply a numbers game + a whole bunch of deeper issues regarding race and financial stability. Often we overlook the facts that cause such a blanket statement like “men are not interested in settling down”. His point was that he wished he could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him that being worried about the club wouldn’t serve him years later. He wished that he had understood the value of family and relationships much earlier so that it was a priority for him. Building a family could possibly bring much more gratification then the cars, money, and status that he so much hoped for in his 20’s and early 30’s. He is not a father but he is in a relationship. He is a good man in his late 30’s with being 40 just days away.

His comment made me think of a moment I had at my grandmother’s house a couple years ago. I was at her farm in Mississippi, in her house that she was born in. A house that her 10 siblings all had been born in. A structure that quickly became the status of family for us all. Her home has been in my family for over 100 years. It just hit me; family had been the “dream” for her and others of her generation. That was the priority and the driving force of life. When family is an afterthought to career it doesn’t happen with the same level of success. For my friend, building the foundation for a strong relationship did not become important to him until later in his life simply because having money and having success was more important. Plus with the options in surplus when it comes to women, there was never a sense of urgency. He opportunity to have “faux”intimacy was easily available. Therefore his values didn’t change until his late 30’s. He also mentioned he wished he had examples of men around him that valued having a family and strong relationship when he was younger. Seeing someone his age with a lil mini me would have helped him to see the other side.

Then I started to think how could I blame these men for simply chasing what we know as the “American Dream”. Were bombarded by it every single day! Our figures of masculine and ultimate success are Puffy and Jay-Z! Thank you for Barack because now we have something else to counterpart the ideal. As I have experienced in my own relationship sagas, men without true stability in their careers are just unavailable to having a serious relationship that requires sacrifice and attention.

I find myself often chasing the same ideal of “success”. As some of my friends are beginning to panic about their window of chance to have children, I realize I don’t have that same alarm clock. At least right now I don’t right now.  At the age of 31, obsessed with achieving success as a screenwriter, I might have similar ideals to my late 30’s male counterpart then I would like to admit. On this weeks season premiere of Parenthood, Joy Bryant’s character is living in NY dancing for Alvin Ailey while trying to hold together a relationship with Dax Shepard in California. She’s planning a trip to visit him and at the last minute she cancels the trip for a last minute audition. It was heartbreaking as I foresaw the inevitable- the relationship wasn’t going to last but it was so real, her dancing career is something she has been building since she was a child, the last thing she was going to do was blow a chance to do something she has been waiting her whole life for. I understood her.

 All this to say that I can now see how a good man can find himself 40, single, and long list of short lived relationships coloring his dating past. It some ways I might prefer having a man who decided to try it with me then having a list of women he tried to make it work with and failed. We make the stipulations regarding race, age, and finances when it comes to relationships. That’s not made from God and truth is, the majority of what we are worried about and trying so hard to plan life against simply isn’t true unless we believe it. 

1 comment:

  1. The Bible says marriage is honorable. It is. I tried at a young age and was burned. It did taint me for about a year after my divorce. But you're right I feel like I'm going to be much happier the next time I get married because I've learned so much from that expirence. Men that have gone through those expirence's are good for women because if they are dating you and it get's serious more than likely you have 90% of what he is looking for and when that last 10% is confirmed you will be married. These guys know what they want and won't settle till they get it. When they find it they strike fast. When you're dealing with younger men you're right they are testing the waters and trying to figure out what they want and as women you run the risk of wasting your time. Older men that have a career that is set, a relationship with God, and sound dating expirence are a safer bet. Everything else play at your own risk. Great Article Muse I feel you.

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