MY LIFE - FOCUSED YET LOST

Lately I have been so confused about my career and where I am going that it’s been hard for me to write about relationships. It feels trivial to ponder when I am going to meet someone when my career is at a place that requires me to stay focused on exactly where I want it to go. Plus… I’m not dating. I haven’t been on a date in over 4 months. I can’t tell you the last time a man approached me with any interest of taking me out. In a way, it’s been liberating to not think about that part of my life. Last weekend I went to Kiss N Grind MJ Birthday Event and danced all night. It was a much-needed release. Not to worry about how cute my outfit was, who was there and if he was looking my way. It was there with the pure motivation to dance (and to stare at my crush Questlove but that’s another post). While I was there I saw a friend who looked fierce - bangin stilettos, amazing earrings, great make up but she was pissed. She hung out near the side mad that none of the men in the room were asking the women to dance. Truthfully, I was too busy listening to the music to even notice. And I was extremely grateful for that. For months I made finding a date such a focused pursuit that I found myself unhappy. Mad that I put my best fit on and nobody noticed. Mad that again on a Friday night I was home alone. Pissed off that the blind date that I had was a waste of time and energy. Now giving all of that energy up I feel more relaxed, more free to worry about my writing career and honestly, more freedom to focus on my creativity.

The only problem is that I actually would like to date. I’m probably one of the few people that actually enjoys going on a first date – knowing nothing about the person across from me and wondering what this chance meeting is going to bring. I just don’t like putting focused energy on dating to make it happen. I miss the days of my 20’s where literally I would meet men all the time. Sure, half of the men that I was open to going out with were mistakes but there was a freedom and an overall sense of possibility and ease that allowed meeting people to feel of abundance. I think somewhere around our 20’s, for men and women, it begins to feel meek and exhausting. Dating doesn’t feel so easy anymore.

As I explained to my Life Coach that I want to start dating again but I wasn’t interested in making it such a focused effort, she explained to me that for people my age, you can’t just relay on meeting someone as you walk through your daily life. Especially for a woman like me, in her early 30’s with an interest in having children one day, I needed to put a concentrated effort in that section of my life – just like I do for my career. She suggested that if it’s not online dating (which I have already told you how much I hate) that I should make a list of meet up groups, and visit happy hours by myself. But when did dating become such a task? Where is the fun and spontaneity of meeting someone when it becomes just as taxing as creating your dream career?

I have no interest in doing any of what she suggested and honestly I don’t know how you could approach dating in that matter and actually have fun. But I am beginning to worry. Is my reluctance to approach dating which just as much focus and thoughts as my career just another example of how the modern day woman has traded in love for career success? Just like Paula Patton’s character in JUST WRIGHT, I’ve known women who decided what kind of men they wanted and placed every effort into becoming the woman that man would want. There wasn’t any interest in their career or establishing who they are independently from whom they are with. And guess what? Those women got exactly what they wanted. But I do know other women who did what I am doing. Practiced being the best version of themselves and after years of doubt and worry, they did find someone just as I hope to. The only problem is as much as I want to refute every ounce of my life coach’s theory, there is a part of it that I can’t ignore- I don’t meet people as easily and effortlessly as I did when I was younger. How much can I expect to experience life as I did years ago when things have changed?

Or maybe the truth is finding someone is just not that important to me. As I get older I wonder how important is getting married and having kids in relation to fulfilling my life long dream of screenwriting. Honestly, if a genie showed up today and held a husband and kids in one hand and the career of my dreams in the other I don’t know which one I would choose.

All I know is I have no interest in throwing on a pencil shirt, heels and a clutch to stand in a room full of men by myself on a Wednesday night looking for the next catch. I enjoy the freedom I experience in my life at the moment as I focus on making my dreams come true. And part of that dream is the day I am sitting in front of my computer, deep within a story only to look up and find myself recognizing a man that I have yet to meet. Call me a homeless romantic or call me a woman who knows my path so strongly that there is no reason to waver.