WHY WE SCREW RELATIONSHIPS UP - ONE NIGHT WITH DR. PAT ALLEN

I googled "Unhappy Couple" and this picture came up. 

A girlfriend of mine had told me about Dr. Pat Allen. She had gone to her Monday night lectures and was blown away. I had heard Dr. Allen mentioned from both Marianne Williamson and Rev. Michael but I was already going to Agape on Sundays and then seeing Marianne every once in awhile on Tuesdays; did I really want to take in another lecture? Especially one on relationships? When do you have time for living if all you do is go listen to people talk? But I was curious, so I finally got my act together and went. The theater is a little odd and the crowd is so eclectic, you can’t make any sense out of where you are and what you’ve got yourself in to. But in just an hour and a half, believe it or not, all of my questions regarding relationships were answered.

Dr. Pat Allen is no joke. A 70-year-old white woman who isn’t afraid to give you the truth. There is no such thing as sugar coating in Dr. Pat Allen’s world. Honestly, she moves and thinks in a very liberal way that I’m blown away by her age! She’s more vibrant then many 30 year olds I know! And she’s been doing relationship counseling (aside from her therapy) for 36 years. If more people understood the communication patterns of men and women from her perspective, I’m telling you, besides romantic relationships, a lot of the conflicts of the world will be resolved.

What ran so true for me was that we all play a role in a relationship. The yin and yang. One person is yin, and the other is yang. But the problem is we often want to switch up the roles. Yin wants to be yang and then gets upset when yang isn’t playing yin. Are you following me? To make it simpler: In all relationships, regarding sexual orientation, gender or race, there is a male energy and a female energy. If one partner wants to exert their female energy they are more compatible with someone who exerts their male energy. But ever so often the one who is exerting the female energy will be upset that they are being asked to play the “female” role and then will want to be seen from a masculine perspective but still wanting to be treated from the female. All this to say, we are all confused and want to it all when essentially relationships just don’t play that way.

The lecture of course made me think of my past relationships. Years ago I fell in love with what she would describe as a “Peter Pan” - a man who loved to play but hated to work and naturally I took on the nurturing role. But I then got tired of being the nurture and wanted him to be a “man”. But he couldn’t be a “man” when he was fully committed to being “Peter Pan”. Of course this caused so much frustration and dissatisfaction. We all have the choice to change who and what we want in a relationship but we can’t be upset when our partner isn’t able to be different from who and what they are. Another example: If I fall in love with a “Sugar Daddy” I can’t be upset if all he does is show love through material possessions.

I think the real issue in relationships for a lot of women is that we want to play both roles. We want to be respected for our work. We lose ourselves in our careers but expect a man to cherish us and to lead us. The problem is we are so use to being the boss in other aspects of our lives we aren’t willing to give up leading, and are not interested in being with a man who has no issue with being lead. We’re all over the place and the uncomfortable truth is WE CAN NOT HAVE IT ALL. I am not saying we can’t have great careers, great husbands, and a wonderful social life. In that sense, yes, I believe we can have it all but we can’t play all roles. In relationships, someone is the yin and someone is the yang. Essentially, we choose one, play our role and we can’t complain about it.

The last thing that Dr. Pat Allen said that blew my mind was that we “can not commit ourselves to the person but we have to commit ourselves to the relationship”. What she is saying is that as human beings, we have tons of faults. We are far from perfect and are going to make mistakes. Therefore, when you enter a relationship, you can’t commit to who that person is because guess what? It is going to change. One day they will do something out of character, do the opposite of what they always promised therefore you have to commit yourself to having a relationship with that person and stay committed to the commitment.

I don’t know about you guys but that just clarified so many mistakes of my past and just gives me a real clear guideline to deciding what I want in the future. What role do I want to play? What kind of man do I REALLY want? I think more then often we don’t know what we want and end up looking for the wrong things. With a clear understanding of who we are and where we really want to go we will only be more equipped to choose the right relationship for us.

If you are in Los Angeles, please check out Dr. Pat Allen. Monday nights, 7pm to 8:30. It’s Men and Women. Gay, Straight. Singles. Couples. It’s for everyone. I guarantee it will be eye opening and at least… very interesting.