The Ex Factor

The beauty of relationships: The one person that you thought was the greatest invention to walk this earth can easily become the one person you can’t stand to look at.  I never could fully understand the idea of our past relationships simply become memories in a shoebox. Through our social understanding of breaking up, two people who were such an important factor in each other’s lives are to never speak again. I’m not sure if that is really the best thing for both people but it is what we do.

After the burn of a break up settles, I always have kept the possibility of contact with my exes open. Now, this is not about us hanging out like were best friends (even though I do that with some of them) but more about the door of communication never being locked. If I needed them for whatever reason or if I wondered how they were doing, I know I could reach out. Just like everyone else, I need my moment of distance to fully move on but also a huge part of moving on for me knows that we have forgiven, happily leaving our issues in the past. I once happily attended the wedding of an ex. Another ex even felt comfortable to call me for help in getting his current girlfriend’s engagement ring. Both men held a significant place in my life but the conversation was and has always been nothing but love. There was something that we mutually enjoyed and loved about the other and even though we are no longer in a relationship it doesn’t mean that connection no longer exists. It just means it exists in a new way.

Those that know me know I’ve never taken my relationships lightly. The men who I allow to enter my life as my so-called partner are people that I am deeply connected to. I don’t date people for the simple reason of dating. Relationships hold a very emotional and spiritual place in my life therefore when the relationship comes to an end; they have never been and will never be people who are disposable. My life does not move to a place as if they never existed.

I am a supporter of space and time to get over a failed relationship. There is no way to fully move on when people are friends and never create distance. But that doesn’t mean exes can’t not in due time be friends. On a spiritual level, exes are people who sometimes know you more than you know yourself. They are people who have shaped who you are and where you are going. I believe there is a beautiful reverence in that connection worth respecting.

As much as I am in communication with the majority of my ex boyfriends, there are a couple that want nothing to do with me. As much as it hurts, I try to take it as a compliment. The greatest indication of truly letting go is the ability to want nothing but the best for them. Regardless of time, space, and pain, the beautiful characteristics that drew me to my boyfriends of the past still remain. Even though it did not work out, I am thankful they gave love a try with me.

How Much Of The Past Do We Really Need To Know?

The first thing I thought when the pictures of The Dream were released was “Are we really surprised?” He already had left a wife and their small children before meeting Christina. Doesn’t that show you what he thinks of commitment? And then I thought of all the previous mistakes I have made. Would I want a future boyfriend to assume the stupid things I did in my past will happen in our future? People change and mature, right?  But The-Dream did leave his wife with small children like he did in his previous relationship. So is it fair to assume what someone did then is what they are going to do now?

In one of my past relationships, we didn’t really discuss much of what happened in the relationships before us. We discussed the broad strokes; our longest relationships and situations we would never want to enter again but that was it. No list of who we've been with and exactly what happened in each relationship. Honestly, it was the most freeing situation I had been in. I didn’t have to worry about introducing him to an ex; having to deal with any sort of jealousy and more importantly I didn’t have to deal with any judgment. I liked not knowing what happened in his previous relationships because it allowed me to just deal with our situation.  But now that the relationship is over, I often wonder if I knew more of his past, could I possibly have known more of our pending future? Could the issues we dealt in the relationship be repeating issues for him? And if I knew that before, could I have avoided the situation?

Now today with Facebook, twitter, etc we can know a lot about a person before we get to the first date. Information overload is so much the norm that lately I’ve been uncomfortable with going out with someone that I don’t know anything about. Because information these days is so accessible, it’s odd when the person is the only source of information.  But does knowing previous information cause unwarranted assumptions that can ruin a possible relationship or save possible partners from a pending break up?

If I had known about my ex’s past relationships would I go into the relationship with the same excitement? Possibly not but again is it fair to assume what happened in the past is going to happen in the future? I have a friend who cheated in past relationships but wouldn’t even think of cheating in her current situation. If her boyfriend made assumptions from her past they would not be able to have the bond they have now. On the other hand, I have a friend that has cheated in all of his relationships and continues to cheat in his current. Obviously the assumption for his is a correct one. So how much do we need to know about our partners past? And honestly, how much does it really matter?

Regardless of what happened in my past relationship I definitely do not regret not worrying about the past. The worry and the agony is more damaging then any possible action. I’d rather not worry about someone who is cheating on me then worry about someone who is not cheating… but that’s a whole other post. The truth is we trusted each other to purely be in the now. That feeling is not only priceless and it allowed our situation be just that…ours. 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Flipping through a magazine, I stopped at an ad for a furniture store. A happy couple enjoyed their new couch at a wonderfully discounted price. Right as I began to bypass the generic ad, I stopped and gave a second look to the man. Why does he look familiar? I turned the page assuming he was just another reality star that I had gotten so familiar with on TV that I actually thought I knew him in real life. But then I realized I really did know him. I knew him a lot. Not too long ago, I was in love with this man. Not just in love but dreaming of marrying him and having his child.  And now… he was just a face that was as recognizable as the guy who stood in line with me at Starbucks. How is it possible that you can be so in love with someone and a couple years later, they easily become just a part of your past? Could that strong feeling that I once felt for him then really be love? And if not, how do you know when you are really in love if it can easily be mistaken for something else?

I know that the question seems simple to some but as I get a little older the answer gets more complicated. I’ve never been able to be with someone that I just  “like”. Therefore, anyone that I have had a substantial relationship (regardless of how long it might have last) was someone I loved. Not “thought was cool” or “could see myself loving” but someone that I adored, knocked me off my feet that I shouted to anyone who would listen, I finally had found my soul mate (again).  The only problem was that miraculous all encompassing feeling didn’t always last and now I wonder did I ever really love anyone? If that once magical feeling has now dissipated does that mean that relationship is irrelevant? All these thoughts make that simple question that often shows up in the beginning of any new relationship,  “Have you ever been in love?” complicated to answer.

That feeling that I felt with Mr. Man on the Couch was so genuine. So real, so unadulterated that in many ways it was of the most purest form of love. I don’t at all question the validity of the feeling then, but because I can look at a picture of a man and keep it moving with so much indifference… was it really love? Love doesn’t fade right? Love doesn’t flow like the kitchen faucet one moment cold another hot. Or is love the feeling that you felt then, even if you don’t necessarily feel it now?

Maybe the true test of love is time. After time has passed and the feelings are no longer of admiration or even respect … maybe it was never love in the first place. Maybe love and relationships are purely about the ego and what it needs to grow. So our experiences are not about a fairytale concept of oneness and affection, but really about self-expression and personal development. One relationship of mine was purely about my self-esteem. At the time I thought it was all about love, my soul mate, the one person who truly understood me. But the truth was all I wanted was to know that I was lovable, that I was someone worth being with. And guess what he gave me that, plus heartbreak and a whole lot of drama. Now that time has separated us, I know now that the relationship was a place of growth for me. Granted, I might not be familiar with the girl who would choose to be with a person like that but I am extremely grateful for the experience. An experience that has completely shaped the person I am now. Honestly, in that relationship I experienced a freedom and an expression of “love” that might not ever be possible again.  My feelings for him now are completely diluted from the emotional connection then but can I say that I didn’t love him? Not sure if that’s true.

There is one relationship that stands out for me. If I were asked that question, “Have I ever been in love” my answer would be once. It was that one relationship that I can honestly say that I experienced what I believe to be true love because I truly loved myself first. My personal respect for who I am allowed me to truly love him unconditionally. Oddly enough, it’s the one ex boyfriend that I no longer speak with. The one boyfriend that I can say regardless of time I am far from indifferent.

Maybe the true test of love is not what you are feeling now but what you feel later. Maybe the ultimate true test is how you feel AFTER the relationship. When a relationship is over, its no longer about what you are currently getting out of it. It’s not about how the person saw you or how you saw yourself when you were with them. Maybe love is truly an emotion with degrees. An emotion with no set of standard or generalization. Possibly love changes for every person and every experience. Maybe the truth is I loved all of them in their own special way and their own special place. Honestly, they all have contributed to my present. They are all apart of me and always will be.