"What The Hell Is A Soul Mate Anyway"? Soul Mates Vs Life Partners-What Are We Really Looking For?

I have an ex boyfriend that shows up literally every time his name is mentioned. We don’t live in the same city or even really speak often but when his name comes up in conversation I know we’re going to run into each other. I haven’t seen him in years and he came up in conversation the other day and sure enough a half an hour later, there he was walking across the street. Used to this funny way of meeting, we shared a laugh, a knowing smile and continued on with our lives.

This interaction couldn’t help but get me thinking about soul mates. There is no denying, my ex and I are connected in a powerful way. A connection that is no doubt specific to only him and I. But that connection doesn’t translate to being the best partner for me. Our relationship was a mess and forever will be. It broke us down and made each of us miserable. I love him, will continue to love him, but I have no interest in being with him.

I believe our soul mates are people that we intrinsically know on a spiritual level -an intense attraction and emotion that is beyond explanation or logic. As Wayne Dyer says "Your soul mate is the person you can't stand". His idea is that soul mates are the people who cause the most challenges for us. The ones we can't ignore and learn the most personal lessons from. If that's the case, I've been lucky enough to have a couple soul mates in my life. 

The interesting idea about this concept is that soul mates don't necessarily translate to the person we should or can spend the rest of our lives with. The connection and experience caused by a soul mate is so deep and life changing it’s not meant to last more then a specific point in time.  Soul mates come as best friends, lovers, and sometimes strangers on the street (I had a conversation with a man in Paris that was unbelievable) but the person you spend your life with should be the person who shows up as constant and steady, right?

I think of it like clothes: You are more inclined to wear a simple pair of blue jeans over and over again then the diamond studded leather pants right? You love those leather pants but they sit in your closet more often then the desire to put them on. Now the jeans- they not only go with everything, ca be worn any season, but they also have this magical ability to fit you regardless of what kind of shape you are in. So essentially we all need to find that perfect pair of jeans.

The hard part is that pair of jeans has to really fit. I mean really fit.  In real life I hate shopping for jeans because even though the size might say they fit but that doesn’t always reflect what they are going to look on me. Even within the same brand, sometimes two different pairs of the same size look completely different. So it’s always a long process and I have to try a whole bunch of pairs to find the ones that feel like they were made just for me.

In relationships, I guess it’s the same thing. Not only does the guy have to fit but he has to have something special going on so that I don’t get bored. Ahh…. My Achilles heel- passion, adventure, spontaneity- the qualities that I love in a man in the beginning but hate months later. But if I consider Dr. Wayne Dyer's thought its in these moments of frustration and being uncomfortable that life is all about! 

This point in my life I straddle between looking for that immense fire that stops me in my tracks or do I look for the cool slow burn that has the ability last a lifetime?

I do have to say that’s the great part about dating. The more jeans that I try on, the more I understand what I am looking for in the right fit.  

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”.  Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary.  I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing.  Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off.  It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on. 

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on!  For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor. 

The Ex Factor

The beauty of relationships: The one person that you thought was the greatest invention to walk this earth can easily become the one person you can’t stand to look at.  I never could fully understand the idea of our past relationships simply become memories in a shoebox. Through our social understanding of breaking up, two people who were such an important factor in each other’s lives are to never speak again. I’m not sure if that is really the best thing for both people but it is what we do.

After the burn of a break up settles, I always have kept the possibility of contact with my exes open. Now, this is not about us hanging out like were best friends (even though I do that with some of them) but more about the door of communication never being locked. If I needed them for whatever reason or if I wondered how they were doing, I know I could reach out. Just like everyone else, I need my moment of distance to fully move on but also a huge part of moving on for me knows that we have forgiven, happily leaving our issues in the past. I once happily attended the wedding of an ex. Another ex even felt comfortable to call me for help in getting his current girlfriend’s engagement ring. Both men held a significant place in my life but the conversation was and has always been nothing but love. There was something that we mutually enjoyed and loved about the other and even though we are no longer in a relationship it doesn’t mean that connection no longer exists. It just means it exists in a new way.

Those that know me know I’ve never taken my relationships lightly. The men who I allow to enter my life as my so-called partner are people that I am deeply connected to. I don’t date people for the simple reason of dating. Relationships hold a very emotional and spiritual place in my life therefore when the relationship comes to an end; they have never been and will never be people who are disposable. My life does not move to a place as if they never existed.

I am a supporter of space and time to get over a failed relationship. There is no way to fully move on when people are friends and never create distance. But that doesn’t mean exes can’t not in due time be friends. On a spiritual level, exes are people who sometimes know you more than you know yourself. They are people who have shaped who you are and where you are going. I believe there is a beautiful reverence in that connection worth respecting.

As much as I am in communication with the majority of my ex boyfriends, there are a couple that want nothing to do with me. As much as it hurts, I try to take it as a compliment. The greatest indication of truly letting go is the ability to want nothing but the best for them. Regardless of time, space, and pain, the beautiful characteristics that drew me to my boyfriends of the past still remain. Even though it did not work out, I am thankful they gave love a try with me.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Flipping through a magazine, I stopped at an ad for a furniture store. A happy couple enjoyed their new couch at a wonderfully discounted price. Right as I began to bypass the generic ad, I stopped and gave a second look to the man. Why does he look familiar? I turned the page assuming he was just another reality star that I had gotten so familiar with on TV that I actually thought I knew him in real life. But then I realized I really did know him. I knew him a lot. Not too long ago, I was in love with this man. Not just in love but dreaming of marrying him and having his child.  And now… he was just a face that was as recognizable as the guy who stood in line with me at Starbucks. How is it possible that you can be so in love with someone and a couple years later, they easily become just a part of your past? Could that strong feeling that I once felt for him then really be love? And if not, how do you know when you are really in love if it can easily be mistaken for something else?

I know that the question seems simple to some but as I get a little older the answer gets more complicated. I’ve never been able to be with someone that I just  “like”. Therefore, anyone that I have had a substantial relationship (regardless of how long it might have last) was someone I loved. Not “thought was cool” or “could see myself loving” but someone that I adored, knocked me off my feet that I shouted to anyone who would listen, I finally had found my soul mate (again).  The only problem was that miraculous all encompassing feeling didn’t always last and now I wonder did I ever really love anyone? If that once magical feeling has now dissipated does that mean that relationship is irrelevant? All these thoughts make that simple question that often shows up in the beginning of any new relationship,  “Have you ever been in love?” complicated to answer.

That feeling that I felt with Mr. Man on the Couch was so genuine. So real, so unadulterated that in many ways it was of the most purest form of love. I don’t at all question the validity of the feeling then, but because I can look at a picture of a man and keep it moving with so much indifference… was it really love? Love doesn’t fade right? Love doesn’t flow like the kitchen faucet one moment cold another hot. Or is love the feeling that you felt then, even if you don’t necessarily feel it now?

Maybe the true test of love is time. After time has passed and the feelings are no longer of admiration or even respect … maybe it was never love in the first place. Maybe love and relationships are purely about the ego and what it needs to grow. So our experiences are not about a fairytale concept of oneness and affection, but really about self-expression and personal development. One relationship of mine was purely about my self-esteem. At the time I thought it was all about love, my soul mate, the one person who truly understood me. But the truth was all I wanted was to know that I was lovable, that I was someone worth being with. And guess what he gave me that, plus heartbreak and a whole lot of drama. Now that time has separated us, I know now that the relationship was a place of growth for me. Granted, I might not be familiar with the girl who would choose to be with a person like that but I am extremely grateful for the experience. An experience that has completely shaped the person I am now. Honestly, in that relationship I experienced a freedom and an expression of “love” that might not ever be possible again.  My feelings for him now are completely diluted from the emotional connection then but can I say that I didn’t love him? Not sure if that’s true.

There is one relationship that stands out for me. If I were asked that question, “Have I ever been in love” my answer would be once. It was that one relationship that I can honestly say that I experienced what I believe to be true love because I truly loved myself first. My personal respect for who I am allowed me to truly love him unconditionally. Oddly enough, it’s the one ex boyfriend that I no longer speak with. The one boyfriend that I can say regardless of time I am far from indifferent.

Maybe the true test of love is not what you are feeling now but what you feel later. Maybe the ultimate true test is how you feel AFTER the relationship. When a relationship is over, its no longer about what you are currently getting out of it. It’s not about how the person saw you or how you saw yourself when you were with them. Maybe love is truly an emotion with degrees. An emotion with no set of standard or generalization. Possibly love changes for every person and every experience. Maybe the truth is I loved all of them in their own special way and their own special place. Honestly, they all have contributed to my present. They are all apart of me and always will be. 

How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Ex?

One of my first jobs, a director’s assistant, took me to Toronto for a couple months for work. The experience I will remember because not only did I get to form lasting friendships, I met a man that changed my perspective of relationships forever.

The director and I were watching footage of a screen test when we were discussing my taste in men. It has no pattern and makes no sense. It changes all the time and it’s hard to pinpoint. As we were laughing about my fickleness (is that a word?) this gorgeous man popped on the screen and I had to catch my breath, “That’s it. That’s my type”. 

Now this man was not just fine… this man was FIIIINNNEEE. 6’3, Jamaican, muscular, beautiful lips and chocolate skin. A man who could give any woman the shivers. A couple days later on set, there he was, pensively staring at me. For some reason, regardless of knowing he was a stand in for our lead actor, I still couldn’t handle seeing him in person.

He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him and in less than a month, I was in a full-blown relationship. Dinners, shopping, family. It all happened way too quickly, but I didn’t care, I was in LOVE. Then the evitable happened, the movie wrapped and it was time for me to go back home.  Not long after I returned to LA. He came to visit for a month and to plan is soon to come big move to Lalaland. Everything was beautiful… for two weeks. Literally, two freakin weeks and then I hated him. He drove me INSANE! He was possessive, broke, and needed me to help him with everything. I remember laying in bed and thinking I will be so ok if I never see this man again. In a flash, my feelings for him were completely different. I was OVER IT. At the end of his trip, I took him to the airport and seven years later, we have never spoke. But the crazy thing is, I never had an interest in speaking to him. Dropping him off at the airport was enough closure for me and this was a man just weeks earlier I was ready to marry! Of course, I was crazy young but the fact that I could get over someone so quickly stayed with me.

Prior to him, I had similar reactions to the end of a relationship. We’re done? Cool. I’ve always been able to bounce back and ready to fall in love with the next man. Jaded? Never. Bitter? I didn’t even know what that meant. I still see Canada boy on TV and in print ads and I’m still not affected. No part of my heart strings or even reminisces. With experiences like that, I always believed in the old adage;  “it takes half of the time you are with someone to get over them”.

Granted, getting over Canada boy was a lot quicker then a month but the adage makes perfect sense. Grown ups experience each other, break up and move on. Unfortunately, that was not the case with my last one… We were together for only a year and I remember right after we broke up thinking, “Cool, I’ve broken up a hundred times, I’m a pro at this”.  Now a year later after the break up, every once in awhile I am still haunted my memories of him. So what happened to half of the relationship? Because my now, I shouldn’t even remember his name!

The ex before the ex, was complicated and messy. It was actually a longer relationship but when the time came to call it quits, it was long over do. I was back in the game, ready to find someone better than and more worthy. Sure it wasn’t a Canada bounce back but it didn’t linger like this one.

I once had the question as a facebook status “ How long does it take to get over someone”? Of course, I got multiple versions of the bull crap answer “half the time you are with someone” and then I got various “ after months of therapy”, “ until you get your back blown out ”, “ Until you find the next”.  And I realized, all of these answers had nothing to do with me but more to do with the person answering the question. You get over it when you get over it. Finding someone else definitely helps but for sure it’s not the answer. We all know plenty of people in relationships still thinking about the one before.

Leaning on my personal experiences, there are three factors that determine the length of how long it takes to get over someone: 

 You did the break up – There was no “ifs” or “would haves” it was clearly time to go and your decision 100%.

Somebody did somebody really wrong  – lying, cheating, stealing money, getting someone else pregnant, was apart of the fall. Even if you didn’t want it to end or the one who did the deceit, when it’s clear that your life is so much better without them, it’s a lot to keep it moving.

And lastly…

Being in love – The easiest way to find out if you really love someone is breaking up with them. Time apart separates lust, infatuation, and need. Knowing that they are still apart of you when you are no longer in contact is the true test of a lasting footprint on the heart.

As we get older, relationships get so much more complicated. I’m not talking about details of the relationship but more about the feelings involved. They’re deeper, richer, and so much more involved.  So I’ve learned…

How long does it take to get over a relationship? However long it takes. Period.