HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Flipping through a magazine, I stopped at an ad for a furniture store. A happy couple enjoyed their new couch at a wonderfully discounted price. Right as I began to bypass the generic ad, I stopped and gave a second look to the man. Why does he look familiar? I turned the page assuming he was just another reality star that I had gotten so familiar with on TV that I actually thought I knew him in real life. But then I realized I really did know him. I knew him a lot. Not too long ago, I was in love with this man. Not just in love but dreaming of marrying him and having his child.  And now… he was just a face that was as recognizable as the guy who stood in line with me at Starbucks. How is it possible that you can be so in love with someone and a couple years later, they easily become just a part of your past? Could that strong feeling that I once felt for him then really be love? And if not, how do you know when you are really in love if it can easily be mistaken for something else?

I know that the question seems simple to some but as I get a little older the answer gets more complicated. I’ve never been able to be with someone that I just  “like”. Therefore, anyone that I have had a substantial relationship (regardless of how long it might have last) was someone I loved. Not “thought was cool” or “could see myself loving” but someone that I adored, knocked me off my feet that I shouted to anyone who would listen, I finally had found my soul mate (again).  The only problem was that miraculous all encompassing feeling didn’t always last and now I wonder did I ever really love anyone? If that once magical feeling has now dissipated does that mean that relationship is irrelevant? All these thoughts make that simple question that often shows up in the beginning of any new relationship,  “Have you ever been in love?” complicated to answer.

That feeling that I felt with Mr. Man on the Couch was so genuine. So real, so unadulterated that in many ways it was of the most purest form of love. I don’t at all question the validity of the feeling then, but because I can look at a picture of a man and keep it moving with so much indifference… was it really love? Love doesn’t fade right? Love doesn’t flow like the kitchen faucet one moment cold another hot. Or is love the feeling that you felt then, even if you don’t necessarily feel it now?

Maybe the true test of love is time. After time has passed and the feelings are no longer of admiration or even respect … maybe it was never love in the first place. Maybe love and relationships are purely about the ego and what it needs to grow. So our experiences are not about a fairytale concept of oneness and affection, but really about self-expression and personal development. One relationship of mine was purely about my self-esteem. At the time I thought it was all about love, my soul mate, the one person who truly understood me. But the truth was all I wanted was to know that I was lovable, that I was someone worth being with. And guess what he gave me that, plus heartbreak and a whole lot of drama. Now that time has separated us, I know now that the relationship was a place of growth for me. Granted, I might not be familiar with the girl who would choose to be with a person like that but I am extremely grateful for the experience. An experience that has completely shaped the person I am now. Honestly, in that relationship I experienced a freedom and an expression of “love” that might not ever be possible again.  My feelings for him now are completely diluted from the emotional connection then but can I say that I didn’t love him? Not sure if that’s true.

There is one relationship that stands out for me. If I were asked that question, “Have I ever been in love” my answer would be once. It was that one relationship that I can honestly say that I experienced what I believe to be true love because I truly loved myself first. My personal respect for who I am allowed me to truly love him unconditionally. Oddly enough, it’s the one ex boyfriend that I no longer speak with. The one boyfriend that I can say regardless of time I am far from indifferent.

Maybe the true test of love is not what you are feeling now but what you feel later. Maybe the ultimate true test is how you feel AFTER the relationship. When a relationship is over, its no longer about what you are currently getting out of it. It’s not about how the person saw you or how you saw yourself when you were with them. Maybe love is truly an emotion with degrees. An emotion with no set of standard or generalization. Possibly love changes for every person and every experience. Maybe the truth is I loved all of them in their own special way and their own special place. Honestly, they all have contributed to my present. They are all apart of me and always will be.