One of my first jobs, a director’s assistant, took me to Toronto for a couple months for work. The experience I will remember because not only did I get to form lasting friendships, I met a man that changed my perspective of relationships forever.
The director and I were watching footage of a screen test when we were discussing my taste in men. It has no pattern and makes no sense. It changes all the time and it’s hard to pinpoint. As we were laughing about my fickleness (is that a word?) this gorgeous man popped on the screen and I had to catch my breath, “That’s it. That’s my type”.
Now this man was not just fine… this man was FIIIINNNEEE. 6’3, Jamaican, muscular, beautiful lips and chocolate skin. A man who could give any woman the shivers. A couple days later on set, there he was, pensively staring at me. For some reason, regardless of knowing he was a stand in for our lead actor, I still couldn’t handle seeing him in person.
He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him and in less than a month, I was in a full-blown relationship. Dinners, shopping, family. It all happened way too quickly, but I didn’t care, I was in LOVE. Then the evitable happened, the movie wrapped and it was time for me to go back home. Not long after I returned to LA. He came to visit for a month and to plan is soon to come big move to Lalaland. Everything was beautiful… for two weeks. Literally, two freakin weeks and then I hated him. He drove me INSANE! He was possessive, broke, and needed me to help him with everything. I remember laying in bed and thinking I will be so ok if I never see this man again. In a flash, my feelings for him were completely different. I was OVER IT. At the end of his trip, I took him to the airport and seven years later, we have never spoke. But the crazy thing is, I never had an interest in speaking to him. Dropping him off at the airport was enough closure for me and this was a man just weeks earlier I was ready to marry! Of course, I was crazy young but the fact that I could get over someone so quickly stayed with me.
Prior to him, I had similar reactions to the end of a relationship. We’re done? Cool. I’ve always been able to bounce back and ready to fall in love with the next man. Jaded? Never. Bitter? I didn’t even know what that meant. I still see Canada boy on TV and in print ads and I’m still not affected. No part of my heart strings or even reminisces. With experiences like that, I always believed in the old adage; “it takes half of the time you are with someone to get over them”.
Granted, getting over Canada boy was a lot quicker then a month but the adage makes perfect sense. Grown ups experience each other, break up and move on. Unfortunately, that was not the case with my last one… We were together for only a year and I remember right after we broke up thinking, “Cool, I’ve broken up a hundred times, I’m a pro at this”. Now a year later after the break up, every once in awhile I am still haunted my memories of him. So what happened to half of the relationship? Because my now, I shouldn’t even remember his name!
The ex before the ex, was complicated and messy. It was actually a longer relationship but when the time came to call it quits, it was long over do. I was back in the game, ready to find someone better than and more worthy. Sure it wasn’t a Canada bounce back but it didn’t linger like this one.
I once had the question as a facebook status “ How long does it take to get over someone”? Of course, I got multiple versions of the bull crap answer “half the time you are with someone” and then I got various “ after months of therapy”, “ until you get your back blown out ”, “ Until you find the next”. And I realized, all of these answers had nothing to do with me but more to do with the person answering the question. You get over it when you get over it. Finding someone else definitely helps but for sure it’s not the answer. We all know plenty of people in relationships still thinking about the one before.
Leaning on my personal experiences, there are three factors that determine the length of how long it takes to get over someone:
You did the break up – There was no “ifs” or “would haves” it was clearly time to go and your decision 100%.
Somebody did somebody really wrong – lying, cheating, stealing money, getting someone else pregnant, was apart of the fall. Even if you didn’t want it to end or the one who did the deceit, when it’s clear that your life is so much better without them, it’s a lot to keep it moving.
And lastly…
Being in love – The easiest way to find out if you really love someone is breaking up with them. Time apart separates lust, infatuation, and need. Knowing that they are still apart of you when you are no longer in contact is the true test of a lasting footprint on the heart.
As we get older, relationships get so much more complicated. I’m not talking about details of the relationship but more about the feelings involved. They’re deeper, richer, and so much more involved. So I’ve learned…
How long does it take to get over a relationship? However long it takes. Period.
No comments:
Post a Comment