FIREWORKS VS DISGUST? Maybe not liking him is the sign of a long term relationship

My past relationships all started pretty much the same. I went out not expecting anything but came back, feeling like my life had changed. The moment that I met him, I knew I was meeting someone special. That was it. Realism and caution had left the room and optimism was taking over. When it comes to dating, it’s black or white for me. I’m either knocked off my feet or barely interested. My girlfriend’s know if he gets an “ok” from me, the relationship isn’t going too far. I don’t need time to warm up, go through my baggage, or any other kind of maneuvering before jumping in. If I make that decision, I’m all in.

I have a love/hate relationship with my romantic optimism. I love the fact that I don't have to play games but I also hate the not so easy to get over break ups and the long stretches of time before I decide to give it a go with the next guy.

“When you know, you know” is what I tell my friends. I always believed you know in minutes if the person you are with is someone special. It doesn’t take too long to recognize greatness… but it might take a lifetime to confirm it. I’m always skeptical of those stories of two friends that knew each other for years and then one day they looked at each other and everything changed. Seriously? So you’ve known someone for years and never thought about being in a relationship with them and then all of a sudden all the crap that made them a no go in your book is all erased? Seems to me that someone in that equation was settling. Someone threw in the towel and decided, this thing I got is better then nothing. But as much as I was skeptical of that story, I had reasons to be skeptical of mine. All of the men that I fell in love with I knew I was going to marry. Obviously, I had it wrong… more than a couple times. Three of my good friends have stories completely the opposite of my past. Maybe my approach is all wrong.

Girlfriend # 1 went on the first date with her soon to be husband and didn’t like him. She complained about his clothes, described their first kiss with disgust and couldn’t stand his voice. All signs she didn’t like the man. She even went as far and lied to him about dating another man in hopes that it would deter him from liking her but it didn't work, he stuck around. A couple weeks and a few dates later, things changed for her. She started to like him. Voice no longer was an issue, his clothes were something she could work with, and kiss became something she looked forward to.  Less then a year later, they were happily married.

Brokenhearted after a break up, Girlfriend # 2 jumped online to meet a guy. She was on a mission to find a self proclaimed rebound. He didn’t have to be special, just someone to help her get over the last one. She went on a series of dates with socially awkward and desperate men but soon found a guy that was normal. He wasn’t anything she thought she could call her man but she thought he was someone she could have fun with in the meantime. We laughed about the funny way he talked, his bad suit and his chronic indecisiveness when ordering at a restaurant. It was all fun and games until things started to change. She began to see he was giving her everything she wanted in a relationship; commitment, time, affection, loyalty but the package wasn’t anything she ever pictured herself with. Now almost a year later, they’re talking about moving in together and she’s talking about she finding “the one”.

Girlfriend # 3 actually went out on a date with a guy she was excited about. He was everything her ex boyfriend was not and that was enough to look forward to. The first date was great, and the second was even better. Weeks later, things were in high gear but a month later, she questioned her feelings about him. He read too many self help books, sung in the shower and she was surprised to learn he was more conservative then liberal. This new information made her think of her ex boyfriend and when she wanted to get out of the relationship, she continued to see him. Months later when I was anticipating the break up, she told me she was in love and expecting to be engaged soon.

These examples are not of the perfect relationship or of relationships that I am striving for. But two of them didn't have that spark and all three of them made decisions that this man wasn't for them only to be proved wrong a couple months later. Maybe that initial spark that I hold so special isn’t as relevant as I think it is. Maybe how the relationship plays out is more important then the first meet. Granted who knows how long the relationships are going to last, but all three of these ladies are happy. Isn't happiness what we're looking for?