REMEMBRANCE OF LESSONS ALREADY LEARNED

I wasn’t happy everyday when I was single… why would I expect that when I’m married?”

That’s Scott’s, my lead character in my latest project response when his therapist asks if he’s happily married. Like many writers, my characters’ dialogue is a direct reflection of my own perspectives. But even after having written that dialogue only a couple weeks earlier, it was my friend’s relationship woes that reminded me that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Sure it’s a simple and rational lesson but I think single life often helps us forget that. Somehow the pairing of your life with another becomes the remedy for loneliness and wandering purpose but sometimes with that pairing we trade independence for companionship and silence for complication.

 As my friend discussed her own issues I heard hints of anger. She didn’t say it but I can tell part of her complaints of her own relationship were purposeful backlashing to my numerous phone calls about bad dates and aversions to being the third wheel. 

“ Sometimes being in a relationship isn’t the answer. Sometimes, it can be the problem”. 

As much as she was mad at him, a part of her was mad at me for being single and having the freedom to be unhappy about it.

I got off the phone with the revelation about my own beliefs- Relationships and finding love is only PART of the story. If you took all of the pieces of our lives, the memories of what is good and substantial, our relationships, the goods ones and the bad ones are only part of the picture that makes up our lives.

People fall in love, out of love, fight, struggle, feel complete, become lost, and do it all over again and again. Finding love and being in a relationship is sometimes no different than being single – just a stage of life that we all hope to experience.

That conversation with my girlfriend just reminded me of the crazy expectations we create and make up. Life doesn’t owe us anything other than the experience. That’s it. Our only duty is to make the best of it.

Not that long ago, the option of being single until meeting the “right” person was a luxury for us all. Women got married because that’s what they were supposed to do. They had children because everyone else was doing it. But today we get to explore who we are beyond the titles of wife and mother and still have the option of taking on those titles if and when we want to.

As much as Scott’s dialogue sounds cynical, I see him as the romantic in the marriage. He doesn’t expect anything out of his marriage other than the opportunity to be with the woman he loves for the rest of his life. He chooses her when he’s bored, when sex isn’t great, and when life couldn’t be anymore perfect. He’s not married to an expectation; he’s married to her and only her.

If only the majority of people viewed marriage that way. Less people would do it and more people who actually get it right.