Are relationships only temporary?

Maybe we got it all wrong….

I look forward to the day that I am married like the next person but maybe that is the main issue when it comes to relationships… what if forever was never supposed to be. Maybe marriage is not the ultimate station in life. Could people come in and out of lives, and all we are required to do is be the best we possibly can. What if love is eternal but relationships are naturally temporary?

When I heard the news of Halle and her man breaking up I immediately felt for her like she was my best friend,  “Not another break up! I thought Halle had finally found the one!” And then I had an epiphany. Other beautiful dynamic women who struggled with relationships flashed in my head;  Jennifer Lopez, Sandra Bullock, Oprah Winfrey, Madonna.  As much as independent single ladies we preach our independency and self reliance but maybe we need to really start living it. These women are examples that being married or romantically linked to a man should not be a measure of our worth. You can be dynamic, sexy, and even be considered the sexiest woman alive and still figuring out your love life. And maybe you never figure it out, even when you are with someone.

Marriage was originally invented so that young women can be spoken for and men could procreate.  When you add the notion of love, dual careers, and drive for success, the original idea of marriage get’s a lot more complicated and harder to obtain. Not that monogamy and marriage is not possible or even refreshing, but maybe it’s no longer the end all be all that we think… 

I don't know what do you think? Are my thoughts enlightened or pessimistic? 

What your LOOK says to men

www.verysmartbrothas.com is my favorite blog at the moment. And posts like this continue to prove why I love them so much. I don't know these guys at all but they make me want to pack my bags and move to the east coast cause if they are any representation of the men out there... they know women a lot more then men out here on the west.

They list four "types" of black women based on their looks and he's got me pinned in #3!

As much a profiling is so not PC, can you prove the man wrong? I think not....

Could your best friend's ex be your possible next?

I wrote this for my dear friend Haj over at HOME OF THE URBAN CHAMELEON and wanted to share it with you.

When studies show that we have a 70% chance of finding our potential "life partner" through our social circles, shouldn't we be looking through our best friend's little black book then online?
It's just a thought.... CHECK IT OUT.

Just Wright...Just Right?

Dear Just Wright:

I love you already. I know, I shouldn’t admit that when all I have experienced is your “representative” but something tells me you are going to live up to my expectations. I believe in you. I really do. You have the potential to change the game. 

Because of you, we actually might be able to see real, normal, professional black people fall in love again.

As the romantic I am, I am in love with your potential. Please oh please… don’t let me down!  

Holla!

I was walking down the street to my fave cafe to get some work done and this porsche with bright red rims pulls up next to me. Immediately, I'm thinking the man is lost and needs directions. But instead he smiles and says "hey".  I smile and say "hi". And then this man take the conversation to the next level with a "Hey". I stop and look at him, SERIOUSLY?? The skater skating by bust out laughing. Stupid man in car gets the idea and drives away.

I'm now compelled to ask.... Does the "hollering" method really work? Men have been doing some variation of this for years. I remember the 1990's, guys from my high school would posted on flyest Toyota Corolla in the group. Or even going as far as planning evenings just to drive around and pick up the cutest chick they come across. I remember me and my best friend where stopped on our way walking home from school by a guy way too old for us who gave both of us his number. We fought for weeks trying to figure out who he really wanted to talk to.

Having my own experiences with this phenomenon, I don't think I've ever came across a couple with the following story:

"Me and Jimmy? It was beautiful, I was walking down the street, he saw my ass, pulled over... and the rest is history".

And men, would you really be interested in a woman who would so easily just stop what she's doing to talk to a stranger? Recently, I did hear a story where a girl was stopped at a stoplight by Gerald Butler but I mean... it was Gerald Butler.

Now, in high school, I did happen to fall for this game a couple times but it didn't get me anywhere that I needed to be. So am I bitter and jaded? Or am I mature and smart?

So now I ask you, does hollering from the car really work? And if there are love stories that started from some man whistling as he drove by, I want to hear them.

And before you start throwing them out there... please know the story doesn't count if it stars a celebrity or a 70,000 car.

Some Kind of Wonderful...

Through my friend Nina I was lucky enough to meet design guru Justina Blakeney. She designed my website, business cards, as well as help me distinguish my brand in the internet world.  She's not only highly talented when it comes to design needs, she a published author as well as an all together fabulous woman.... and now fabulous friend!

You can check out more of what she does HERE.

When did TALKING become the next TEXTING?

I recently met this guy.  Mature, attractive, and attentive. We've talked on the phone and planned our first date for next week. Everything seems on the right path until he text messaged me last night:

 "Whassup, Aireka, How are you doin?" 

I'm sorry, I had to stop and ask a couple of my girlfriends. When did grown ass men start replacing a phone call with a text?  Seriously? You want to tell you how I'm doing over text message? Aside from me feeling like it's unappropriate, I mean can you really express what you are up to in text message form? I get it, teens have all those abbreviations and anograms but what happened to picking up the phone when you wanted to talk to someone? 

I just like the rest of the world, can't live without my Blackberry. I text, bbm, pin, facebook, twitter, etc. So I'm far from behind the times but I don't understand. How are you really going to get to know someone over text?

If you want to let me know something funny that happened, give me directions, or let me know your running late. I'm all for text... but to know how am I doing? I'm sorry men. It's just lazy. And a little insulting. You want to talk, pick up the phone. If you don't want to talk, don't text! 

 As much as I was bothered, I tried not to let my judgments get in the way. A couple hours later, after I got out of the movies I simply replied "Hey, sorry, I was in the movies, how are you"?  He replied asking what movie I saw but at 11:30 at night, I'm just not interested in having a trivial conversation over text, and probably less interested in doing it over the phone. After not replying in the morning I was told via text that I am a "bad texter". When was I suppose to be a good one? 

Help me out here. Is there something that I am missing? Did dating dramatically change in the year I was in a relationship?  Remember in high school, when you were too cool to say you were dating, you told your girls you were "talking". It was too early to say something was going on but too engaged to say nothing was up. So in 2010 is this the case, we no longer are "talking" but  were "texting"? 

And more importantly... do I have to be ok with this? 

Why Can't Successful Black Women Find A Man?

If you were like me and  actually missed Nightline's face off with Hill Harper, Sherri Shepard, Jacqui Reid and Jimi Izrael you can catch it HERE.

Eventhough the topic is so saturated, I actually found the discussion between men and women to be interesting and informative. Regardless of race, men and women think differently and we need to understand who and what we are dealing with instead of expecting people to full in line with our expectations. DEFINITELY worth a watch.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Believe...

One of the things that I want to do on my blog is to feature happy beautiful African American couples. This is one of my first. Enjoy. 

Nana + Akinola's African-Chic Wedding from Janice Celeste on Vimeo.

Jacked from one of my favorite sites Diasporique .

The Ultimate Black Romantic Comedy

I found this article written over a year ago from screenwriter and novelist Billy Mernit on his blog Living The Romantic Comedy. As I set out to change hollywood's perception of African American's in romantic leads, Billy as a white male, inquires why there is such a lack in hollywood. Aren't black people in love too? He is pretty insightful and on point and he tries to list the best 10 African American Rom Com's.

http://livingromcom.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/01/black-americans-in-love.html

Hollywood Dating Advice

A girlfriend of mine and I have an ongoing argument. She is a subscriber to "the plight of the professional black woman". I don't necessarily believe all the hype. Yes, statistically it is all true but you become a statistic is you believe that you are. So if you lead your life as if you are more than capable of finding someone, I believe you will. As my father always says "the difference between succeeding and failing is giving up". But I went to an event the other night... And maybe my girlfriend MIGHT to be on to something.

I recieved an invitation to a "Sadie Hawkins" mixer - A group of girls decided to throw a party at a new bar where every girl had to bring a guy friend they vouched for and thought was a catch. I didn't know any of the girls throwing the event but thought it might be good to be a lil adventurous. The girls throwing the event worked in development so I knew it could be a little "industry" but I decided to go anyways. I went with my good guy friend *BARRY*. Barry was a good date because he was not only good looking, he was confident as hell. If he likes a woman, ain't no stopping him to get to her. Plus he's notorious for saying crazy shit and loves to keep the conversation going.

Now as much as I knew the event would be full of development executives, agents, and managers, I was completely surprised to walk into a bar and be the only black woman in the place. Aside from a few asian women, for the majority of the night, I was the only ethnic person in the room. We live in Los Angeles, one of the most diverse cities in the world but when it comes to this side of the entertainment industry, black people don't get much love.

Immediately Barry was on the hunt. As he explained on the way over this was the best situation for any man " a room full of single desperate women? A fat man in a jumpsuit is going to get some play". As sure enough, Barry was having fun. I on the other hand was not. After being the only person standing as a group conversation began to couple up, for the first time I felt like being a black woman was a disadvantage. I have no problem talking to people and was friendly and fun. Knowing that I looked good that night, Cynthia Vicent camisole, tight James Jeans, and black miu miu patent leather heels. I was one of the best dressed women in the place but aside from a couple friendly women, no one was interested in having a conversation with the black girl in the room. Was my girlfriend right? Do we have it worse then the white girls? Regardless of the various celebrity black women dating outside of their race, are we still on the bottom the list?

Not interested in being somewhere where I felt unwanted, I told Barry it was time to go. Barry is white but when it comes to women, he likes them all, black, white, short, and fat. Barry has no problem finding sexy in various places. I asked him, "Are black women at a disadvantage in Los Angeles?" "Not at all, when you're hot, race doesn't matter". But he went on to tell me that my issue is that I "Don't dress slutty enough". According to Barry, men are not out looking for who they want to marry. They are looking for who they can take home and along the way, they just happen to fall in love.

I have a hard time believing this. So men really have no intentions? They at all times are being led by the small head? Sex is that important to them? That who the women is, what she believes in doesn't matter? Maybe for men in their 20's but I have a hard time believing this is the mentality of the men in their 30s and 40's.

He continues by saying, it's a compliment, that men look at me and see someone that they can't take home to sleep with that night so they move on to the easier suspects. He thought my camisole and jeans and heels was a sexy look but it definitely wasn't slutty.

Now, I have to look at who the advice is coming from. Barry, who I love to death will sleep with anything and everything. He has told me he likes to pick the 10 pound overweight girls because he can "F*ck the weight off". So, I'm necessarily getting the advice from a man who is looking for Ms. Right now. But I have to wonder, is there any truth to his theory? Is this that fact that I hold myself with some level of standards putting me at a disadvantage to meeting someone? Could that be the problem with the "professional black woman" more then the color of her skin? Are we possibly holding ourselves too much to a standard?

I've been lucky enough to have relationships with men in Los Angeles but none of my boyfriends I met in a bar. It was either through being in the same social circle or set up through friends. And honestly, I've never been the girl that gets approached a lot. Could Barry be right? Do men look for the easy road and just happen to fall in love? And as a black woman in Los Angeles, do I need to start showing more T&A to get more dates? I'd love to hear what people think about this.

Does Weight Matter?

When I was a size 26, men approached me. Now when I walk into a room, guys really pay attention. But the sad fact is that volume hasn’t improved the quality. Most of the men who talk to me now aren’t men I would consider. Recently, a guy at a jazz club was staring at me for so long, I had to ask him if we knew each other. He explained that he was trying “to get drunk enough to get up the courage to talk to you.” Sorry, but liquid courage is not what I’m looking for in a man. Like it or not, being 300-plus pounds weeded out some of the losers who were too superficial to approach me back then.

Iman's daughter Zu wrote an article in the March Glamour highlighting her struggle with weight. This quote stuck out the most for me. It's interesting because I believe the idea that if you do not put yourself out there to find someone, you are inherently making sure that the only person stepping to you is of quality. Sometimes I do this to myself. If figure if I go out and hang around quietly the man who really comes to me, really knows my worth. I go back and forth on this, because I believe part of this is true but the other part is putting yourself at such a disservice. Because on the other side of putting out "quiet" and "reserved" is putting out "angry" and "boring". I think, and I have experienced, when you are not feeling good about yourself, people tend to notice, no matter how good you are at hiding it.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Weight is such a tricky issue. I believe you have to feel good about yourself at any size because confidence and love for life is so much more attractive and infectious then size 4 jeans. But at the same time, if you are nearly 300 pounds and choosing hostess Apple pies over Apples, how much do you really love yourself? I think black women struggle with this balance the most. Losing weight and taking care of your body does not mean we are falling into someone else's standards. There is real beauty in being healthy. Look at Jennifer Hudson. But at Zu has pointed out in her piece in Glamour, losing weight, even 140 pounds, doesn't bring you happiness. I think the happiness has to come first. At 5'10 and a size 10 -12, I struggle with finding that balance all the time. And regardless of what you see and hear in the media, I don't think men give a damn about what size you wear or really how much you weigh, do you look good, and is your body "bangin" is all that matters. And the great thing is looking good and feeling good can come at any size.

Romantic At Heart

I'm a romantic. Always have been and always will be. Unfortuantely, I can't ignore it and my romantic idealogy is all over my screenwriting. Why can't black people have movies like this? These two movies I can't wait to see.

The Back Up Plan



Letters To Juliet

30 don't feel like 20

I woke up at 9 am this morning. Not good. Even though technically it's alright since I am freelance but it just throws my whole day off. I've missed my workout and now I got to speed through work to catch up on the missed time. Usually, I need about 6 hours of asleep and I'm good but this weekend, I went out every night and it's become apparent, I ain't young like I use to be. Even though at 31 a lot of folks would consider me to be still young but this I have to say if once of the first signs of age for me. I just can't recover like I use to! Only about 5 years ago, I use to be out almost every night of the week, go to be between 1 and 2 and up at 6 to workout. My ass can't do that shit no more. Now, if I go out, and have more than 2 drinks, regardless of the hours of sleep I get, I'm groggy and need sometime to get my act together. I went out thursday night, stayed in and worked on Friday, out Saturday, out Sunday, and obviously that was way too much for me cause on Monday, I'm payin for it. Ugh...age.

That's the thing about being 30. Way too old to go to the nightclub without a table, way too young to stay my ass at home, too old to chase any man, too young to give up on meeting someone. And the most important part, work has become a priority that it wasn't in my 20's...I'm way too young to not put the time and focus on making my dreams come true.

As much as I love Jay-Z... 30 is damn different from 20 and that's not a bad thing.

"I'm so sick of black men and their issues"

I just got off the phone with one my closest friends on her way home from a mid day brunch. She was the only black woman in the room and one of the few women who were single. She had a relationship with these women through work so being the only black woman didn't really bother her. It was the fact that within six months, the last time she saw this group, major things had happened for them. One who recently had a baby, was pregnant with her second, one was engaged, another newly married, and another was getting ready to relocate across country.

"Same ole shit for me. Same job, same car, still single"

And then the next thing she said made me sit upright and get ready to intervene,

"I'm so sick of Black men and their issues".

Wait a minute. What does that have to do with the fact that you are still single? She went on to tell me how white women have it easier. White men don't have the the issues that black men have and as a black woman, for the 17 years she has been dating, has NEVER (yes, she used the word never) been approached by a black man appropriately. Now, as her friend, I know she's being dramatic but I had to ask "Well if you keep on getting the same response from men for 17 years don't you have to look at your role in this"? Of course, she didn't like the suggestion that she had just as much to do with her dating history as the men she has dated.

This is my problem with the whole Black Woman issue. I really don't think White women or Purple women have it better or easier then us. Sorry, I don't. I think what happens is that we think they do. We think that our race separates us from being able to have a successful relationship. Sorry, I just don't buy it. Yes, I'm single, yes I'm black but I believe the crazy relationships that I have had have been because the men were crazy and I was just as crazy for dealing with them. And let me add, their craziness had nothing to do with the fact that they are black, they were just that... crazy! And if for some reason they woke up the next day with less milanin they would still have the same damn issues.

So that is the black woman issue. Often, we think we are entitled to experience less dating crap because we are smart, professional, witty and just damn fabulous. But the truth is, even the most gorgeous women deal with relationship drama and finding the right man for them ( ie: Halle Berry and Jennfer Lopez). Yes, if we are talking about numbers, white women have more of a chance of finding a mate that is suitable to their social economic and professional status but is that really all a relationship is? Someone who makes as much money as you? Someone who attends the same church or golf club then you? I want more then that and honestly, I think finding the RIGHT person takes time, especially when you are still defining who you are. I look back at my past relationships and I know I am NOT the same person and I sure don't want to be ;)

I think the other issue is we have to STOP thinking that being married is the Holy Grail!! I'm sorry married friends, you don't all of a sudden become more "together" or more "righteous" because you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Thats your current place in life and this is mine. The issue is we have put so much emphasis on getting married that we can't enjoy the life that we have now. We have to love where we are and who we are now. And if we don't, guess what, the opposite sex can smell insecurity and will walk the other way.

Time to care of ourselves first ladies. Stay happy, stay hopeful. And then when we are that put together, we're giving them no reason to not want to be with us. I'm working on being that damn great. What about you?