A WRITER'S LIFE COMES FULL CIRCLE - finding career success in the one place I pushed away

I’ve been a writer before I was actually able to write. My parents gave me a beat up typewriter to keep me busy when I was a toddler (guess their weren’t any stuff animals around) so therefore my fascination with words began. As much as writing has been apart of my identity for over nearly 30 years, this year my journey has taken me to a place that I never thought I would be, oddly a place that not only makes sense but feels as if I’ve arrived at the one place I was being prepared for.

After years, of pushing away from being a substantial part of my father’s advertising agency, I am working there leading an initiative to develop and produce original content for the web. For years, I saw advertising as a limited structure that didn’t support the stories I wanted to tell the way film and television did. As I writer, I was lucky enough to have a place to work at from time to time but I purposely kept my role there limited, not fully committing to the business. But now with the surge of branded content, product placement, and new media, my love for story telling and innate understanding of marketing have become beneficial to the business more than ever. For the first time, the two disciplines that I understood but saw separately are working together in a new way. Only a year ago, my resume confused people.  No one knew what do you do with a resume that included film, television and commercial writing and production. Now my skills are not only beneficial but are seen as extremely unique. Here I am after years of running, I am doing exactly what I set out to do in one place I never thought could make it possible.

Though I have gotten to a place where writing and creating is paying the bills, I am still staying dedicated to working on my own projects. At the end of last year, before I started working at the agency, I decided to write a story that I wanted to tell.  I got sick of considering if my idea was marketable, what studios could be interested, and all of the other fallible considerations that I have spent years wondering about as a developed a script.  Instead I wrote a simple story exploring the grey areas of love because I wanted to. I decided I would get a group of friends, shoot on a low budget and put it up on the web. But the more that I worked on the project I started to consider that I was playing small. I had made the decision that my project wouldn’t be of interest to anyone else but what if I actually had something special? Something that could change the way people viewed multicultural characters and more importantly challenge the realms of stories worthy of being told? What if I believed I wrote something worthy of gaining the attention of others who didn’t know me and just wanted to be apart of good work?  So instead of playing small, I started to play strategic. I found a producing partner I started to create a business plan that included my understanding and relationships in advertising. I reached out beyond just my friends and sent my work to recognizable directing and acting talent. Now less than six months later, I am in a position that I never imagined I could be in having to decide between multiple actors and directors with a strong desire to be apart of my little project. This is after my manager read it and dismissed it, after a writer friend told me that playing “big” on the web was useless. Honestly, for the first time, I didn’t consider what others though and went forward with my idea. And it’s paying off in a huge way.

Right now, creatively I am flowing and it feels great. I writing at the agency, producing my own web project and was only hired as a writer on a documentary project. If that wasn’t enough, I am still developing new ideas and have committed to my writing mentor two new features this year. Recently, I was contacted by a producer to develop a remake of a film that I really like and believe in.

 I’m busy. Really busy, but honestly, as much as it all can get overwhelming at times, for the first time in my life I have a strong committed confidence that isn’t worried about how, when, or if – I just do what I need to do. It feels manageable and possible only because I believe it is. 

Early last year, when I was training for a half marathon, I noticed my body would fall into a pattern in my long runs. In the first three miles, I hated every step. My knees hurt, my mind would think about every other thing I could be doing. I’d come up with excuses why I shouldn’t’ be running and think about all of the long hard miles ahead of me.

Somewhere around the 5^th or 6th mile, my body would begin to loosen up.  I’d be able to actually think about other things without even really recognizing how many miles I had left in the run. Minutes later, I would be around the 8^th or 9^th mile falling into “The Zone”: a deep mental consciousness similar to meditation. I’d forget about the miles behind me, not concerned with the miles ahead. Deeply present and focused with my current stride, while preparing to move harder and faster. The focus was intense, passionate, and unshakeable. I feel like I’m in the exact same place with my writing career, I’m In The Zone- effortlessly committing to the hard work required to achieve my goals without any concern with what happened in the past or worried about what’s going to happen in the future. I’m here. I’m now. Stronger, more equipped and skilled than ever before.

Oddly, my comfort with my career has also influenced ease in my dating life. I’m no longer dating online and have pulled back from the “search”. I think for many the pursuit of dating comes from a place of lack.  Especially women, we consider being in a relationship as the beginning of life, the measure of success and advancement. But the truth is, life is happening in every moment and relationships are only PART of the journey. I think the best place to be when it comes to love is a place of balance. You have to be truly happy by yourself but also somehow still open to meeting someone. Being content and single but still open is a hard one for me. Not sure if I am fully there but I am definitely close. Where I am  with my writing teaches me that if you put in the hard work and the dedication, God takes care of the details. 

WHEN DID GAY BECOME A BAD WORD?

The Muse’s are opinionated folks. As much as I want to take credit for my wit and persistent self-assurance I’ve inherited it. So you can imagine what family dinners might be like at my house. Of course Thanksgiving continued the family tradition of heated political debates and social commentary when one of my family members, who is engaged to a woman with a young boy, mentioned that the word “gay” is not allowed to be said when the kid is around. Of course the mention of such blatant prejudice sent me brewing. Maybe I am an extreme leftist, but in my world,  gay is simply an adjective sometimes used to describe the homosexual community. It doesn’t connote judgment and is a word often used in magazines, news reports, and even in the freakin dictionary. So to not use a word that a child is easily going to hear and use in his everyday life is a disservice to his intelligence and social development. And more importantly, wouldn’t you want to teach your child the meaning of a word that he can easily pick up from someone else and develop his own definition?

Of course my lecture then got deeper as my family member mentioned that the men in the family use the word “mo” short for “homo” when they are in the presence of a gay person when the child is around. They often interchange the word “funny” as in “we have a “funny” uncle. That just set me off. I was no longer going to be nice.  The use of the words “mo” and “funny”  are not only extremely prejudice and immoral but are even more damaging then the word gay. The belief and ideology behind both words are exactly what breeds homophobia as well as the incessant bullying and self-loathing of gay teens that is deeply affecting our country today.

My family member now upset that I would challenge his fiancé’s decision in raising her own child shouted that as a single woman without any children, I had no right to discuss someone else’s choice is raising their own child. Of course how a person decides to raise their child is their choice but I unfortunately am still entitled to my opinion.

People with children use the fact that someone doesn’t have a child as an argument against opinion and judgment. But the truth is the ability to have a child does not immediately make anyone an expert of child rearing while not having a child does not negate validity of belief. Just because I don’t have a child does not mean that I wouldn’t and can’t make decisions about raising one. Sure, someone with a child knows more about raising children that I do but my lack of being a mother doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t be a good mother.

My mother, an elementary school principal, playing devil’s advocate added that she has a difficult time with the word also. The district doesn’t allow her to teach students what gay means in retrospect to homosexuality because many parents believe the school shouldn’t teaching children about sexuality.  But homosexuality exists. Just like heterosexuality does.  Not teaching the word does not allow people to ignore the fact that people are born everyday liking and loving those of the same sex. Not teaching a child the word gay can’t and won’t erase homosexuality. If children can learn what a male or female is, what marriage is, why can’t they simply know what gay means?

At the end, we agreed to just disagree and after much debating I allowed my opinion to be just that - an opinion. But the discussion still bothers me. Homosexuality has become more accepted then ever before but we are still afraid of children knowing what loving someone of the same sex means. Can someone help me. What exactly is in the fear of a child knowing what gay means? My liberal single childless mind just doesn’t understand. 

BECAUSE OF HIM I DREAM

Today is my father's 60th birthday. In celebration of his life and his influence in mine, I am posting an essay I wrote about him for a book anthology a couple years ago. It can not be stressed how important a father's love is to a daughter. So much of who I am is because he said I could be.

Happy Birthday Poppa Jo!

He says he gave me a typewriter when I was two years old. I actually have memories of that odd yellow machine. So as he likes to believe, he is the absolute and true reason I am a writer. Who knows if it was actually that typewriter that I connected with but every moment I sit in front of my computer, like this moment now, I know that I am a writer because of my father.

Both of my parents completely supported my strange habit of checking out a pile of books from the library and spending my Saturday trying to see how many I could read. They supported me when suddenly I found journalism tiresome and wanted to get into the exciting and yet unstable screenwriting profession. But, it was my father, who told me, after I graduated from college that I could move home and not have a standard job. My job would be to sit home and write. Spoiled, is what some people might say to this, but now seven years later I realize that he presented me with the most precious gift anyone could give an artist; complete creative freedom.

 At that time, I was too scared to know what I was presented with. Stay home? Live with my parents? Psst! I’m 21! I’m grown, independent! So I got a job and moved out and years later I’m struggling with how to build my creative work and pay the damn phone bill at the same time. But as much as I complain and cry, I know I am blessed with the support many of my friends don’t have. I look at my other friends who are also chasing their unconventional dreams. I hear them complain about their parents not understanding why they are college graduates who serve people dinner or jump from one minimum wage job to another wishing and praying for that break that will take them out of the constant battle with anxiety and self esteem. I feel their pain when they wonder how the hell rent is going to get paid this month. I still deal with doubt, financial instability, and wonder when or if it’s ever going to be me who I read about in the trades. But because my father understands why I am a 27-year-old hostess/babysitter/reader/garagesaleextraordinaire/copywriter/receptionist/assistant and more importantly how all of these things equal being a screenwriter. All I have is the stress and anxiety that I put on myself. The love and support that I constantly get from my father is the one thing that pushes me to strive. It is he who tells me it’s okay if my new spec doesn’t sell. He is the man that champions my small triumphs that seem invisible to others, and it is he who challenges my drive when I complain about the struggle.

One day while cleaning out the garage I found something that explained my whole life to me. I found a screenplay written over 20 years ago by my father. And then it clicked; he is giving me the dream that he was unable to pursue. I never asked him about it.  I didn’t have to.

 My parents met in college and married at the age of 23. As a married man he didn’t have the luxury of making minimum wage or not working for a month to finish a screenplay. He couldn’t lock himself in a room and not leave until that script was done. He worked, he supported a family, and now he’s giving me the ability to dream. I don’t know if my father actually wanted to be a screenwriter, I have no idea if he feels that he never got to live out his dream. All I know is that what I am is because of his love, his support, and more importantly he constant reminder that I can be whatever I choose to be.

Whenever I face doubt and curse myself for falling in love with something so intangible I think of him. I think about how he has more faith in me then I have in myself. Oddly enough, his blind faith often translates into fear and I find myself fighting against that big “What If”. What if I don’t become successful? What if I let him down? But that won’t happen, it can’t happen. He has equipped me with the tools to strive and to see myself in whatever light I choose to surround me. Because of him I am able to dream.