I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.
For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity. These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me. He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter. As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?
As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship. But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?
Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.
During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?
Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?
It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.
There are still a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection.
it's funny as a girl I never sat up thinking about what my future husband would be like and what he needed to have and needed to know for us to be together. I never thought about it in high school or did I in my 20's. Never made a list . I just knew what I wouldn't rock with and knew I would know who my husband would be when I met him.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think it's settling to me it's actually a sign of maturity. Most often women's list of their perfect partner is so unrealistic. Women create this vision of a man from their perspective without taking intovaccount men are so very different from woman and what you would want him to be or do is not in reality what men do or strive to be. Yes there are cultured men who love art and poetry, men who love to cook and host dinner parties but to find one man who has all that does not exist in one package no one is perfect.
as you mature and experience life and learn from relationships you begin to really see and understand what the important things are for your partner to have. I have seen so many friends get rid of great guys because he didn't have all the requirements on their list. If you are focusing so much on the what's on the list you don't really fully see the man for who he is and what he has to offer because all you are looking for is the attributes you have on your list.
as you mature you really know what doesn't matter and what will matter later. for instance worrying about how a man dresses is something you will not care about later or how attractive he looks will not matter as much now but knowing that, that not so attractive man handles his finance well will def matter later when you don't have to worry that the lights and rent getting paid.
Being super picky will def keep you in the single club longer than need be that goes for both men and women. Good example years ago one of my very good friends wanted to introduces me to her boyfriend at the time (now her husband) but when they were dating she would always say he is so ugly, he looks nothing like the men I usually date, ooh girl don't laugh when you see him, he's corny and can't dress. So I prepared myself to meet this man. he was def nothing like what she usually dated and yes he was corny and his pants were kind of flooding above his shoes.. But she would also say he treats me like a queen, he makes me laugh and he's such a good man and father and we get along so well. they have been married now for over 6 yrs happy as can be with their blended family ( he had 2 set of twins and she had one child). my point being if my friend stuck to her list and never open her eyes she wouldn't have meet the love of her life who didn't match her list...
Such a great story! Thanks for sharing Timiza!
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