ASSUMPTIONS - THE RELATIONSHIP KILLER

I love this moment between Oprah and Whoopi (starts at the 2:00 minute mark). After years of thinking each other was mad at the other they finally realize for 25 years they were fighting over nothing. You can see the truth of the moment when both women begin to cry. It's so real and so true. 

I can’t help but think of a similar moment I had with a good friend. We were going through a sticky time in our friendship and instead of really talking about it, months went by with the unspoken tension. She was in a new and very serious relationship and because of it our friendship did not have the same dynamic. We didn’t talk as frequently and more importantly, we didn’t see each other and hang out as much. I assumed the friendship wasn’t of importance to her anymore. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about it but in my head, our friendship in her life was simply different from what it used to be. She didn’t need to lean on her girlfriends the same way I did being single. In my mind, the only action that needed to be taken was for me to restructure my life and my friendships. I started to pull away and mentally placed her as one of my good friends then one of my best friends. But after a couple months of this she was the bigger person and approached me to talk about our unspoken issues.

At the time I really didn’t want to talk about it because the wall was already placed. No need to discuss something that wasn’t going to change. But I was wrong. What I assumed and allowed myself to believe was so far from the truth. She wanted and needed the friendship just as much as I did. Her new relationship could not at all replace the need for true real friendship and because I was pulling away she assumed that I wasn’t interested in fixing the friendship and willing to walk away. Without that conversation I would have continued harboring my own assumption about her life, as she would have about mine. In 20 minutes of the truth, our friendship was back on track.

Whoopi and Oprah went on for 25 years without someone saying  “Can we talk?” I can’t help but think of how many relationships we have ruined by the story we have decided to believe in our heads. Especially in love relationships. I know I am guilty of reacting to a man’s actions based on what I think it means. He hasn’t called; he’s obviously dating someone else.  He’s too quiet; he must be upset about something he’s not saying…and so on and so on.  Like the previous post, we as people are so afraid of the truth that we have ruined friendships, marriages, and even family dynamics simply by not saying a word.

Let’s talk to each other, even if the truth might hurt, its more assuring to know what is really going on and know how to deal with it.

Life is too precious and way too short. 

"My Best Friend Is Making A Mistake With The Wrong Man, What Do I Do?"

Over twitter a woman asked what do you do when you know a friend is making a terrible mistake. In her case, her friend is moving in with her boyfriend that many suspect is gay. Her friend’s concern is she is committing to a relationship that will never work out but she feared saying anything would make her friend upset. I think women are in the predictiment all the time. Not necessarily with the gay boyfriend but what do you do when you see your friend making a mistake with the wrong man?

When most women think it’s best to keep your mouth closed and be there for your friend when they fall, I think it’s best to tell them how you feel. Now that doesn’t mean you should just come out there with “ I can’t stand your man, you deserve so much better” but when the opportunity arises, just ask her if she is sure about the relationship. Let her know you’ll always be there for her regardless of her situation and if she’s truly happy you’ll support her 100%. I think a lot of times we are in denial and we just need to confirmation from someone else to see the truth. Sure, your friend could be upset, but I think it’s a greater gift to know that your friend will always tell you the truth. 

It’s true, most of the time we need to make our own mistakes. Someone telling you what you need to do is completely different from making the decision on your own. But I think there is away to tell your friend what you think while allowing her the freedom and space to do what she wants to do.

But more importantly, the real question is, do you just don’t like him or is he really bad for her?  I think we have to distinguish not liking our friend’s boyfriend from our girlfriend’s happiness. Just because we can’t stand him doesn’t mean she’s not happy or in a bad relationship. Our opinions are just that, opinions. At the end of the day we might be close friends but that doesn’t mean we have the same taste when it comes to men. If you are able to determine your discomfort with her man to really being about her well being, then I think you have to tell her in the most supportive way. She might be mad but she will always know you are looking out for what’s best for her.

What do you think? Keep your mouth closed or tell your girl how you feel?

The Case of the PHANTOM MAN- One minute there, gone the next.

It’s official. Men are just as emotional and erratic as women. They just don’t like to admit it but every once in awhile their rational abilities fly out the widow and they do something that just doesn’t make any kind of sense.

Recently, when I wasn’t expecting it, I had a great eharmony date. It was only suppose to be coffee but we got along so well the date didn’t end until 6 hours later. At one point we looked at each other and questioned if we ever met someone else we immediately felt so comfortable with. I left that date thinking, wow; maybe you actually can meet someone compatible over the Internet. He texted me not too long after to tell me how much of a great time he had and how surprised he was to meet someone like me. Ironically, even though I had been asking to meet someone that left me excited about what could possibly happen next, I wondered was I really ready to be vulnerable with someone new?

Skip to 3, 5, 10 days later still no phone call from the guy. After three days, I wondered if my phone service dropped the signal every time he called. I answered every blocked phone number just in case he was calling from another line. After 5 days and way too many conversations with telemarketers, I thought maybe he lost my phone number and started to watch my email box like a hawk. Finally, after a week, I did some soul searching and realized that this situation was just like my friend Sara’s. Her boyfriend waited 2 weeks to call her for the first date because he was just too scared to enter a relationship with someone so great. It just had to be a similar situation.  But after 10 days, a horrible thought woke me up out of bed. Could he possibly be not calling me on purpose?

This thought was just too difficult to grasp that I had to ask a couple of my friends… has this ever happen to you? My girlfriend Naomi told me about a guy that she dated for two months. He even introduced her to his Mom and then out of the blue, never returned her phone call. Similar story with my friend Cheyenne, she went out on a romantic date. Dinner, an outside concert, and he even asked her out on the second date before the first one ended. But he too never called again.

So, the good thing is my ego doesn’t need to be too bruised because the Phantom Man has showed up in other people’s dating lives, not just mine. But I can’t help wonder why? If we haven’t read He’s Just Not Into You, we’ve seen it play out in our lives. Sometimes people for reasons that really don’t matter just don’t like a person. I can deal with the reality of that but what I can’t deal with is the lack of respect. As adults is it not safe to just simply say I’m no longer interested? As much as it might not be an easy conversation but this is someone that you actually did like for even a couple hours, don’t you think that if you were in the other seat you would like to know what the hell happened? My theory is that these men were not really in their right mind in the first place. Most likely, they weren’t too sure what they wanted before hand. But when it comes to dating, are we women perceived as too fragile to deal with the truth? I believe when you know the truth, it’s much easier to move on. It’s when you don’t know that causes the lingering.

To the men out there, am I wrong to assume the Phantom Man has more to do with him then with me? Is my ego missing a moment of self-reflection and growth?

And ladies, is it just me or is hearing someone is just no longer interested much better to deal with then weeks of wondering what the hell happened?

Are people afraid of telling the truth making dating a lot more harder then it needs to be?