It’s official. Men are just as emotional and erratic as women. They just don’t like to admit it but every once in awhile their rational abilities fly out the widow and they do something that just doesn’t make any kind of sense.
Recently, when I wasn’t expecting it, I had a great eharmony date. It was only suppose to be coffee but we got along so well the date didn’t end until 6 hours later. At one point we looked at each other and questioned if we ever met someone else we immediately felt so comfortable with. I left that date thinking, wow; maybe you actually can meet someone compatible over the Internet. He texted me not too long after to tell me how much of a great time he had and how surprised he was to meet someone like me. Ironically, even though I had been asking to meet someone that left me excited about what could possibly happen next, I wondered was I really ready to be vulnerable with someone new?
Skip to 3, 5, 10 days later still no phone call from the guy. After three days, I wondered if my phone service dropped the signal every time he called. I answered every blocked phone number just in case he was calling from another line. After 5 days and way too many conversations with telemarketers, I thought maybe he lost my phone number and started to watch my email box like a hawk. Finally, after a week, I did some soul searching and realized that this situation was just like my friend Sara’s. Her boyfriend waited 2 weeks to call her for the first date because he was just too scared to enter a relationship with someone so great. It just had to be a similar situation. But after 10 days, a horrible thought woke me up out of bed. Could he possibly be not calling me on purpose?
This thought was just too difficult to grasp that I had to ask a couple of my friends… has this ever happen to you? My girlfriend Naomi told me about a guy that she dated for two months. He even introduced her to his Mom and then out of the blue, never returned her phone call. Similar story with my friend Cheyenne, she went out on a romantic date. Dinner, an outside concert, and he even asked her out on the second date before the first one ended. But he too never called again.
So, the good thing is my ego doesn’t need to be too bruised because the Phantom Man has showed up in other people’s dating lives, not just mine. But I can’t help wonder why? If we haven’t read He’s Just Not Into You, we’ve seen it play out in our lives. Sometimes people for reasons that really don’t matter just don’t like a person. I can deal with the reality of that but what I can’t deal with is the lack of respect. As adults is it not safe to just simply say I’m no longer interested? As much as it might not be an easy conversation but this is someone that you actually did like for even a couple hours, don’t you think that if you were in the other seat you would like to know what the hell happened? My theory is that these men were not really in their right mind in the first place. Most likely, they weren’t too sure what they wanted before hand. But when it comes to dating, are we women perceived as too fragile to deal with the truth? I believe when you know the truth, it’s much easier to move on. It’s when you don’t know that causes the lingering.
To the men out there, am I wrong to assume the Phantom Man has more to do with him then with me? Is my ego missing a moment of self-reflection and growth?
And ladies, is it just me or is hearing someone is just no longer interested much better to deal with then weeks of wondering what the hell happened?
Are people afraid of telling the truth making dating a lot more harder then it needs to be?
Simply put, some folks are just cowards! Men and women alike. I've been the coward and the one left hanging, and although it sucks it is completely out of one's control. Nobody wants to actually say it because it takes a lot of integrity to tell the truth when you know you are potentially hurting someone's feelings.
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side, I have expressed to someone I went out with once that I was not interested in pursuing the situation further. I tried to be gracious and respectful of his feelings by being honest and direct. He did NOT take it well. I felt horrible, and he was actually angry with me! I can see why one would avoid the reaction of disappointment.
I'm sorry this outcome happens to people (including myself!), however, I'm hopeful that the right person that I'm supposed to end up with will not behave this way.
At the end of the day most of us can't make our mind up as to what we're doing and who we're doing it with. And what does dating mean anyway? I've learned to "not expect" people to come into the dating situation looking for a relationship. Some people date for sport or because they're bored. Some people are waiting for someone else to free up so they waste someone else's time. Some people have unrealistic and ridiculous expectations when it comes to dating. In short, dating sucks. Its only on those rare occasions that dating actually achieves its purpose - two unencumbered people meet, are attracted to one another and hit it off. Game, set, match.
ReplyDeleteAs much as women might not be comfortable with dating, guys hate it more. If we go out and we don't have a good time, you (women) go home mad and we (men) go home mad and $100 plus lighter in our pockets ... but I digress cuz that's a entirely different subject.
Back to your "Phantom Man." Sometimes people get caught up in the fun of the date and start wondering what the kids would look like; or better yet, why "this" union would be a good business/biological move. And then we wake up from that fog of infatuation and realize that "the person" doesn't walk on water. We simply change our minds... and since we haven't managed our own expectations, we end up in a funky situation.
Here's an idea. Don't agree to a date unless your sure you understand one another's expectations. And even more importantly, manage your own expectations. Also, don't waste someone's time, effort or money. If you're bored, don't agree to a date with someone you're not interested in. Read a book, hang with your friends... go to a movie. Don't waste your time and most importantly, don't waste my time!
Lastly: Isn't it funny how effortless everything is when people like one another? There are no games. If someone likes you, they'll make it happen. You don't have to wait for their social calendar to free up or wait for them to return calls. When they like you, they like you the next day and the week after that and everything is easy.
When it comes to dating, take it from the late and great Coach Wooden: "Be quick but don't hurry."
Walter
It's funny after writing this post I went out last night and this guy was ON ME!! I wasn't interested and tried to tell him as many ways as I could but he didn't get it and then asked for me number... Afraid of being too mean I gave it to him. And then later he said " So you aren't jokin right? You're down to kick it?" And again a coward I said "Sure"!! All that talk and I pulled the punk move! So now I'm going to stand in Integrity and do to people what I want them to do to me and call that guy and lie and tell him me and my ex boyfriend are getting back together :)
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