SEX, ARE YOU HAVING IT?

I love Sex And The City. Might of hated SATC2 but the series will always stand as gold for me. Last night, still high from the Laker game (GAME 7 BABY) I watched “The Drought” from season one. The episode goes on to deal with all four women having issues because they weren't having sex. Charlotte is dating yet another waspy man that she believes in the one. This time it’s because they are not having sex. She tells Carrie, excited and blissful, that they are able to be intimate and cuddle without the pressure. She feels safe… until she learns he use to be a sex maniac. Now Charlotte’s in a mad rush to have sex with him. Immediately her sexuality is challenged. “Could he possibly not find me sexy”? Being on Prozac, the guy is just not interested in sex the way he used to and is actually happy with his newfound clarity. But now Charlotte, who loved the fact they weren’t having sex is uncomfortable in a relationship without it. He asks her,

“Come on, wouldn’t you rather be with a guy that is kind and giving, not so interested in sex, rather then an unstable bull over sexed guy that is only interested in one thing”?

And there you have it. When most women are looking for the guy that is interested in them beyond what they can do in bed, Charlotte without any hesitation answers “no”.

This is where I must stand as an ambassador for my gender and apologize to all men out there. I’m sorry for all the tug and pull you guys have to go through. The truth is we women really don’t know what we want. In the beginning, we work hard at looking sexy, wear tight jeans, and work for the perfect cleavage. As much as we throw the possibility of getting busy, the guy can’t be too eager about it. The moment he can’t keep his hands off of us, he’s rude and has no boundaries. But he can’t not want it either. As soon as a man doesn’t show any interest are egos are bruised and are femininity and self worth are in question. But the tug and pull doesn’t just stop once were locked down. The unbalance of sex in a relationship can easily cause a crack in the foundation that is close to impossible to fix. As soon as one person wants it and the other doesn’t, the amount of commitment and love is hit with a big question mark.  

And there's the dichotomy: sex is not important until the moment it's not. 

I wonder if we have screwed up the dynamic of love and attraction by putting so much emphasis on sex. We get into relationships to have it; we get into relationships to not have it. But really how important is it? Compatibility of two people is often measured by how good it is when they’re together. We know that two people can have crazy sexual energy but be terrible as a couple but how come we don’t believe two people can be great as a couple but not good in bed?  Then the level of intimacy of a relationship is measured by how often a couple has sex. But how can you measure intimacy and compatibility when our individual needs change from person to person? On average, couples have sex 8 to 12 times a month. The crazy thing is I don’t think most people know that.  There are plenty of women questioning how much their man is into them because they only have sex two of three times a week. If people are having sex less then we realize, how did we get to expect so much more?

Earlier this year, Elle published an article questioning,Does a couple have to be hot and heavy to be happy? According to the article, low and no sex couples are not rare. 14% of married couples have experience little to no sex in the past year. The article features 2 women in happy stable relationships who were no longer interested in having sex. They have sex close to three times a year.  After talking about how happy she was, one of the women ended up cheating on her boyfriend!  It was the fact that she felt sexually connected to another man when she realized the “sexless ness” was just another sign that she was in the wrong relationship. As this woman’s story is an example, there are obvious and true reasons why happiness is connected to ones sex drive. It allows us to feel wanted, loved, important, and connected. Studies show that people who deal with “involuntary celibacy” often deal with depression, rejection, and low esteem. But how much of the sex = happiness correlation is too much?

 Is it fair to gauge intimacy and compatibility to how much sex a couple has? Can two people not have sex for a period of time and be happy? If you have sex and its bad, does that mean there is no possibility of compatibility?

Let’s discuss…