I am a modern woman. Never asked for a man to take care of me and never wanted to settle when it comes to my career or love. Still, I believe when it comes down to the basic fundamentals of any relationship, all women want the same thing: to be loved and understood. The problem is what people interpret to be love is completely different.
Over the weekend, my blog post about Elin started a small debate on my facebook page. As one friend argued that we need to stop raising our men with the inability to cry and think with their hearts, another friend argued that women do not have any interest or respect for a man that is in touch with his “inner pussy”. And then the question was raised – Would I be ok with a man who came home from a day of being beaten up, pushed, and tried and started to cry on my shoulder?
The question was insinuating that no woman in her right mind would be ok with that. As much as I am not interested in a man who falls apart at adversity, my experience has allowed me to grow and appreciate a man who is able to fully express himself emotionally. I want to know that my man feels safe enough in our relationship to say when he is scared, unsure, or even tired. And more importantly I want to be with a man who isn’t afraid to need me. So the answer is yes- I would be ok with the man that came home and cried on my shoulder.
From day one, I’ve always been attracted to strong men. Self made men. Men who are entrepreneurs, their own thinkers, leaders of the pack. I grew up in a home where the men sat in the front seats of the car. My father made the crucial decisions for the family and if anything went wrong we knew Dad could and would take care of it. I myself want the same for my future family. To be with a man who takes a strong leader role, someone that I could fully trust with my children and my best interest.
Some how we have raised men to believe that a “real man” abandons any ability to feel or evoke emotion. Unfortunately, I have never found that stoic man of only a few words to be sexy, attractive, or my perfect vision of a “real man”. In some ways tears can be the symbol of more strength then ever imagined. If my man needs to cry, I want to be the one person that will allow him to do so. I want to be the one person that will not cast judgment- able to love him and respect him through that moment.
But please notice it’s a MOMENT. I heard a woman once say she was looking for an “enlightened cowboy”. In some ways, I’m looking for that Intellectual Thug. He must embody a sense of confidence and swag that commands attention, a smile and a laugh that is infectious, read the New York Times, listens to NPR and KRCW, knows the works of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ishmael Reed, Jamaica Kincaid, loves to work out but is not afraid to eat a chocolate cake, enjoys PJ Harvey just as much as he enjoys Aloe Blacc. He must be someone that I can share everything with but someone that no matter where I go, I know I am protected.
The writers who argue the “Pussification of the American Male” are correct. We are beginning to bread a more sensitive man. We’ve become a country where we don’t ridicule our President for crying over the death of his grandmother. A place where a football star can cry on national television about never meeting his own son. I support this new emotionally evolved man. The man who understands that anger and oppression is only going to lead him somewhere that doesn’t help our family or me. A man who understands that being emotional healthy could possibly be the best type of protection and support one could give himself and his family.
In my eyes, a real man is never afraid to cry.