A good friend of mine recently found herself in a serious relationship. 4 months in, they’re already discussing marriage and the time they would like to have children. Saturday night, at his birthday party she told me they were planning to have kids in two years because “I’m not interested in having a toddler at 38”. Another friend of mine, 31 years old, the same age as I and the previous woman, is seriously considering freezing her eggs because “I don’t want to be 50, tired and chasing kids”. All around me, my single and in relationship friends are making decisions now about the possibility of having children later. There is this mad rush against the unknown future with the assumption that having children is only possible between a small window of time. That very valid “ticking clock” is affecting all these women but for some reason, it hasn’t gotten me yet. And I wonder… does that mean I don’t really want children?
I remember having a conversation with my old roommate where she suggested that having children was more important to her then being with the right man. It has always been clear for me that being with the right man was more important than having children. I’ve always dreamed about having lots of children. I have visions of having a huge thanksgiving table full of family and friends of multiple generations. I always wanted to experience the beauty of creating another human being and being responsible in shaping the person they become. When I was younger, I saw my 30’s as a place of completion and accomplishment. I envisioned being solid in my career, marriage and having small children but of course, that is not my current reality. But on the other side of that, I don’t doubt that I will have children and I don’t feel like I need to rush anything to have that reality apart of my life later. If for whatever reason, I’m not able to have biological children, adoption feels like a perfectly fine possibility for me.
The problem is many of my friends see having children as the goal and getting married as a means to that end. But I see finding the man to be that perfect father as well as the man to spend the rest of my life with as the ultimate goal and if children come apart of that scenario, then I am immensely blessed. I don’t know, maybe I am naïve, but I feel like I don’t need to rush to have children. I don’t see the age of 35 as this inevitable cut off. I know beautiful vibrant women in their late 40’s who have successful careers, wonderful husbands and children under 10 years old. Their lives are full and happy. As my friend was worried about having young children in her 50’s, there is nothing “old” or “tired” about these women I know. They are sexy and in great shape with the maturity and experience to tackle the issues in their lives with ease and sophistication. To me, that seems like a more comfortable situation then possibly being in late 30’s in a horrible marriage, or single, still figuring out my career with a couple young children demanding my full attention and care.
I am not at all suggesting my girlfriends are going to end up unhappy or in the wrong relationships, I just wonder if my passé approach regarding children questions how much I really want them. I see having children as a gift - a more powerful way to give back the blessing of life that was given to me. Having children will make my life more rich and vibrant but it is a blessing- not a guarantee. Plus if for whatever reason it does not happen as I would like, I do not see not having children as an attack to my femininity or make me any less of a woman then those that can.
One of the things I have learned from being a babysitter is the possibility of having an impact on child’s life without being their biological mother. I have had the ability to be nurturing, giving, and build influential relationships with children that are not biologically mine. Therefore, I continue to dream about having children (3 to 4 to be exact) but that will happen whenever the time is right. No rush… for whatever reason I believe I got time.
Right dude in the Picture and you will stop the birth control and want a baby so fast...who you kidding?
ReplyDeleteOn some level, I agree with your friend on "having children was more important to her then being with the right man". Only because in most cases, you have to keep the mindset of a single parent anyway. Not all men, whether they be husbands or not, parent material. Most are not that far removed from parents of convenience. Not to bash or anything, because that is definitely not what I'm doing, it's just the reality of the situation. My Mom is the same way and has shared that with me and my siblings over the years. She too always saw herself with children that she would love to death, but not necessarily the man. I don't know where that comes from, but there are more women than we know that live by this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that there is no golden rule that says a clock is ticking simply based on a reaching a particular age. That's insane. Too much of what we do in society is dictated by ignorant terms.
Do you.
Tracie you are right. I never thought about it but essentially even the greatest man has a greater option of not being a father when he doesn't want to but a woman's options often having a child are not that simple. So essentially the choice to be a mother has to be made with the possibility of him not being around. Disappointing but true.
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