At 32, I'm Just Now Learning What It Means To Date

I don’t think I know how to date.  Sure, I have essentially been dating in one form or another since my first dance in the six grade but now at 32, I think I am really only truly having my first “dating” experience. For the first time, I am actually going out on numerous dates with a couple people before actually making the decision if I am interested in building a serious relationship with them.  Not too revolutionary right? I assume that’s what normal people do but my dating experiences of that past haven’t been normal. They’ve gone a little something like this:

Girl meets boy, girl really likes boy, boy really likes girl, fall in love, make plans to spend the rest of their lives together to only then to crash and burn.

OR they go something like this:

 Girl meets boy, girl is bored with boy, and girl gets rid of him.

I’m either head over heels or not at all interested.  It’s always been my immediate infatuation with someone as well as their immediate lust for me that was the indicator of something special. But over time I came to realize that chemistry wasn’t necessary a true indication of a good relationship or true match.  Sadly, intense chemistry is often about the unconscious search for someone to realize the hurt from past situations. Past boyfriend wasn’t affectionate enough? Next boyfriend ends up not being about to take his hands off of me.  Of course after the high dies you realize that you’ve been in love with your idea of your partner then who they are really are. So of course now I am taking the time to get to know someone before making a concrete decision about how I feel about them. But honestly, I’m discovering old habits are hard to break especially when you’ve never experienced the opposite.

As I am taking the time to really get to know someone it’s been hard to determine what makes two people compatible. Now as I purposely date outside of what I always distinguished as my “type” with the intent of breaking the barriers created from past experiences and history. So without being able to pull from my past experiences to understand if he really likes me or if I really like him, I’m having a hard time distinguishing what the hell is going on. Since he hasn’t called me in 24 hours, does he really like me? When you eliminate infatuation and lust, how do you know when two people are really a match? Of course, there are the obvious signs like attraction, similar outlooks on life, and the ability to have fun and talk with one another but when you eliminate the intense need to be around each other or the constant want to rip each other’s clothes off, how do you know if two people are compatible for a love relationship or just a great friendship? 

A good friend of mine has always said that no one should get married before the age of 35. In some ways, I’ve always thought that was a little extreme but after really taking the time to determine the difference between what I want and what I need I couldn’t imagine making a sound decision to be with one person for the rest of my life even in my late 20’s. Definitely not a decision that reflected an understanding of the difference between intense chemistry and true love.  Or maybe at the end of it all, I just think way too much about these things.

As I continue to date and take things slow hopefully the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves. As time moves forward essentially the right fit will no longer be a question but more of an illustrated fact. Or at least I hope. 

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Ever since I was a little girl, I romanticized the idea of falling in love. Flooded with romantic comedies and fairy tales I looked forward to the day when I would look across the room, lock eyes, and know I was experiencing something special and oddly intended. Because of my hopeless romanticism, I never comfortably settled into the idea of online dating. How could a list of preferences and music tastes really determine a true match?  Match.com says their members go on 6 million dates a year, and eHarmony guarantees that 236 of their members get married everyday but studies show that we’re still 70% more likely to find our new boo through our friends.

As James Fowler states in his book; Connected, The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, if you have 20 friends and they each have 20 friends, one of those people are likely to be your future spouse. The obvious logical reasoning behind this is that we tend to hang around like-minded people. College educated folk hang with college educated folks. Artists tend to have artist friends. In each little female clique, most friends talk the same, often dress the same, and carry the same morals–similar people coming in different packages. If this is the case, I am led to a more controversial question, if we are more likely to find our potential life partners within our social circles, are we limiting our dating potential by calling ex lover’s off limits?

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SUCCESS OR LOVE? THE CHOICE MOST WOMEN WILL HAVE TO MAKE

“There’s no way a high profile fashion editor would move to the middle of Georgia just for a man. You need something to force her to go. No career woman would go just because she fell in love”.

That was my good friend and mentor pointing out the main flaw in the treatment for my latest script. It’s a romantic comedy about a woman who struggles between falling in love and staying afloat in her dream career. According to him, a woman with a great job and social life in a metropolitan city would never abandon it all just because she fell in love. When it comes to building story and strong characters, he’s right. You want to have your character make active decisions, not just wander through life with ease.  She can’t just go because she wants to. The decision has to be a hard one, and she has to be forced to make it. Note taken. But if the question is about the validity of her choice, I disagree. I know plenty of career driven women who have the job, the money and the fabulous place just waiting to find the one man who can make all the material things less appealing.

When it comes to love, the career driven woman isn’t too different from the woman whose main agenda is finding a husband. Regardless of personal histories we all started off with dolls and movies conjuring up the fantasy of prince charming.  Our lives all played out in different ways, raised by different parents with different values but we are all given the belief that being taken care of by a man is not only the ultimate goal but a true sign of affection. It might not be our personal belief but we still struggle with it. Can you have it all, should you have it all, and what is more fulfilling?  For most women, the idea of being financially secure is not because you don’t want to rely on someone else but more about not believing you can.

I see myself as a career driven woman. I’m far from a corporate chick but my career goals have always lead my life. I’ve never subscribed to the ideal of finding someone who can take care of me. Having parents that got together when they were young and a mother who has always worked colored my perspective of finding the person I can build my life with. But along with my career goals, I have the goal of finding a partner and one day becoming a mother of my own. So if I had to make the decision between an extremely lucrative and prolific writing career while being alone versus being with the man of my dreams and having a family, I am not sure if being alone would win. Of course my goal would be to have it all.

I have to say, I think all of my six figure girlfriends would leave their jobs in a heartbeat and move to the rural south. Especially if money wasn’t an option. I think most women are really looking for the opportunity to give it all up. It’s not that career trumps love, it’s that love hasn’t shown up yet to be more valuable.

I think the conversation has made me realize how much criticism women with strong career goals face. People see her differently when all women are looking for their own version of love. I think my friend’s disapproval comes from his experience. As far as he is concerned no one should have to leave their career for love. Unfortunately women have to face this decision more often than not.

PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now.  She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is.  Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search?  If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs.  “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

 In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.  

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them.  I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time. 

SYNCHRONICITY - Being At The Right Place At The Right Time

Synchronicity- the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner.

When a tumultuous relationship ended, I made a promise to myself that before the next man was given full access to my life, I was going to be positive that he deserved every once of it. I dived into my work, focused on my health, and allowed my dating life to figure itself out.

For months, it was purposely all about me. Many friends thought I was odd and maybe a little harsh but then one night when I wasn’t looking, things changed. I went to one of my usual bars with my best friend when a drunken woman literally grabbed me out of the crowd and yelled “Oh my god, You’d be perfect for my friend!” I looked to the side of her expecting to find some equally drunk man but a short blond girl stood there instead. Sensing my annoyance and confusion, she told me the friend in question wasn’t there but I would “love” him anyway. Again, this woman didn’t know my name or even if I was single but the confidence she sipped on gave her miraculous insight into my love life. She gave me her email address and told me if I were interested she would set it up.

I remember going home actually really mad. I felt like this is exactly why I have no interest in dating. Of course I would be the one to get approached by a drunken women trying to set me up with their obviously helpless and extremely needy best friend. But later that night, I couldn’t sleep and actually emailed her.  In my head, I already knew exactly what was going to happen, he was going to be nothing like someone I would be interested in but the experience could give me something to write about.

I remember the day of the blind date; I passed his picture to all of my co-workers in desperate need of finding someone to agree with me, he looked like we would have nothing in common and I should just cancel. But … I couldn’t find one person. All agreed he was actually good looking and I had no idea what could happen next. And unfortunately… every one was right but me. We actually hit it off and later that night I sat in my bed in a daze … I had just met someone special.

Immediately after meeting each other were seeing each other almost every day. There was not only an instant connection but more importantly an instinctive comfort level that made getting to know each other effortless. Later, when a good friend of his came into town, we learned that our connection was oddly even deeper. Not only had my new boyfriend’s aunt once worked for my father but during that time when I was a 10 years old, I had become close with his cousin and had tons of pictures of the two of us as kids. His aunt used to pick him up after school and actually take him to my father’s office. As his aunt tells it, we met numerous times as children and she has pictures of the two of us at birthday parties. As our relationship progressed we discovered more odd connections of our past with other family members and friends. Here we were, connected for years but brought together by what we assumed was an indiscretion of a drunken friend.

After a year, the relationship feel apart and we moved on. Every once in awhile when I am unsure about where I am going and when will what I currently going through finally make sense, I look back at this relationship and remind myself, things always work out as they are suppose to. It’s obvious for more ways than one that we were both meant to experience that relationship. Not only did I grow tremendously but I can pinpoint other hardships and periods of growth that led me to that specific experience. When I think of the string of random moments that lead to me that one place and time, I remind myself, even without the answers, everything in my life is evolving exactly the way it is intended.

Although extremely cliché, I believe love is not a destination but a journey (I know, how cheesy can I get). I think in life we get so caught up in the notion of that “one fine day” when life will all come together but I’m not sure if that moment exists. I think we have many moments. Many reminders that we are on the right path. Many soul mates that enter our lives, push us to be greater and leave footprints on our hearts. Love, good and bad, is truly about the exploration of who we are and who we shall become. It’s not a status symbol or about the false guarantee we will at least never be alone. It’s through the pairing and exploration of life with another being we learn extensively about ourselves. That is why we must love once and then love again and again because without it we can become stagnant, unaltered and unlived. Through love we have the opportunity of becoming the person we always knew was there.

SHIFT HAPPENS - NEW PERSPECTIVES IN THE NEW YEAR

Somehow, somewhere in the later part of 2010 I experienced a shift. Not sure what caused the changed but I feel like I entered 2011 completely different from the person I was for the majority of 2010.  After months of feeling left behind as close girlfriends started to have children and disappear into serious relationships, I started to explore why dating felt like a chore when it was so easy and effortless in my 20’s. I was only worried about if he was cute, does he make me laugh, and could his friends hang with mine. Now in my 30’s, I found myself going through a long list of questions and assumptions before even considering meeting a man for coffee. Dating in my 20’s was about the experience when somehow dating in my 30’s had become all about could I marry him. But the most important question I couldn’t answer was…

WHEN DID DATING BECOME SO DAMN SERIOUS?

Ladies, somehow between 28 and 31, we lost our ability to have fun. Marriage and children became this flashing neon sign following us wherever we go. Somehow marriage and children becomes the only gateway to happiness that without them, life is put on pause. Why do we do this to ourselves? We bind ourselves to these deadlines and stages of life that really at the end of the day are not as important as we make them.  Somewhere around September it became so clear to me… No wonder dating was a struggle! Who would want to date someone who was constantly on edge. My high beams were on- in desperate need for someone or something to prove my life was valuable. The only way to describe it is, I was miserable! So miserable that honestly, I wasn’t even aware of it. I was so caught up in what was “missing from my life” that I couldn’t even see how I was or could be apart of “the problem”.

Dating was easy in my 20’s because I never approached it from a place of lack, want, or need. I didn’t carry a list of who “HE” should be or judgment about what my age meant for me then or the very daunting future. Then, the future was this thing I probably should have been worried about it was too far away to really be concerned with it. It was coming regardless if I planned for it right? Somehow when I crossed over to 30, the future became this encompassing force looming over my head blocking any possible light. It was such a constant thought that I had no room for what was really going on in my life that I missed multiple opportunities to be in control of what I was experiencing.

I got sick and tired of being…sick and tired. I set out to find that fun girl of my 20’s who just wanted to have a great time. I started to seek the freedom that I once had when everything was possible.

Lately I have been living outside of those walls that I quickly built in the short years after 30. I started to pursue men that I usually wouldn’t. I now flirt with the assumption of attraction and interest instead of sitting and waiting for him to come talk to me. I haven’t been concerned with my age, the future, or why and when.  The greatest part of it all is, not only am I beginning to date more then I have in years, but I am also dating some really great men. By giving up the constant worry and frustration, I have become more of the fun loving and confident girl that I have really always been.

I’m really excited about 2011. I feel like I’ve come into a new sense of ownership and authority that I oddly could not get to without the carelessness of my 20’s and the harsh focus of my early 30’s.  This year is going to be great because I know I can have all that I want because nothing is missing! I already…we already… have it all.