CAN WE CONTROL WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?

How many of you know of a guy that decided “the next woman I’m with is my wife” or a girl that said “by this time next year I will be engaged” and they got it?  The idea behind those proclamations is being in control. Setting out an intention and allowing the universe to bring it to you. I am willing to play this game with my career and actually have played this game with love before and guess what, most of the time I get it but when it comes to love, how much do I want to be in control?

I think that is the root to my aversion to online dating. I feel like I am too much in control of whom I date and what I like. So much of what I like changes from year to year based on the experiences of previous choices. So much of what I liked at 25 is not apart of the equation now.  Especially when it comes to love, being in control might not be the best thing simply because most of the time what I want isn’t necessarily what I need.  As much as I complain about being single as the next girl, I know that God, the Universe, or whatever higher being you believe in, knows more about my journey then I do.

Right now I am online dating again and kicking and screaming throughout the whole experience. Truthfully it’s the only sure way I meet and able to experience different men. As much as that is a plus, I still grapple with how much control I have. So many people give me the stories of their friends that went online and got married not too long after. I have those same stories in my own circles. They set out to find someone and mission accomplished. There is no arguing, if you are looking to find someone, the best place to find them in online… but I don’t know if I am looking to find just someone.

But on the other hand, finding companionship is not always about finding the best fit. Maybe this idea of romantic love is just something that doesn’t truly exist. At least not in the realm that we believe in. Sure, romantic love is possible but it might not come 6’5 with a MFA and a Mercedes.

 As we all know, marriage was never about love. It was about procreating and having someone to take care of our daughters. Maybe I need to realize being in control of my love life is probably the best and sure way of achieving the goal of being married and having children. But as time goes by… I don’t know how much I am attached to those ideals anymore.

Whenever I am facing what I believe to be a bad situation, I always take a set back, give myself a moment of silence and look at the situation from a different perspective. What am I not looking at? In those situations I can easily change something that I hate to do to something that I would love to do. Simply by looking at it from a different angle. Essentially, we can do the same with love. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be in full control of my love life and stop seeing it as such a bad deal. We can control what makes us mad or what makes us laugh, therefore we can control who and when to fall in love.

Thanks to online dating, I have a date tonight. Who knows…maybe its time to take the lead and fall.  

Bishop Eddie Long And The Real Issue We're Up Against

My blog was solely created to discuss my constant fascination with love and relationships, but my heart has been so heavy with the Bishop Eddie Long scandal that I could not help to give my two cents. I am affected by the news in a way that most people are not. When people are either laughing at yet another fallen religious leader or questioning his sexual orientation I see the issue as an opportunity to discuss the unfair assumption of sexuality that we as a society place on black men. You see what Bishop Eddie Long is facing really has nothing to do with his sexuality and the fact that people cannot see the difference breaks my heart.  I believe it constant ignorance and prejudice regarding sexuality and gender that contributes to the devastating continuation of sexual deviance.

On Sunday, after Mr. Long addressed his church, many people over Twitter began to respond with comments about his sexuality. “He’s so gay and he wants no one to know”. Or the opposite sentiment but with the same assumption “ Who cares if Eddie Long is gay. Let’s just get over it”. While one commenter sees sexuality as a secret characteristic worth seeking out, the other comes from a place of acceptance- but both completely ignore the most important issue at hand:

SEXUAL ABUSE IS AN ISSUE OF POWER AND MANIPULATION MORE THAN AN ISSUE OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION

If the issue was solely about Eddie Long being a gay man then what we would be exploring is his secretive relationship with a man, but in fact what is being investigated is Eddie Long using his position as a church leader to influence and manipulate young men into performing sexual acts. What Eddie Long is being accused of is not being gay – he’s being accused of sexual molestation and more importantly violating another human being through manipulation and power. Somehow that is easily being overlooked.

 On Sunday I tweeted “If the allegations are true, Eddie Long is NOT a gay man- he’s a sexual deviant-molester-abuser”. Immediately I began to receive various “thank yous” from gay men who immediately understood my point. But I also received replies innocently asking for an explanation. As one girl asked,” I don’t understand. Can you explain? Isn’t being gay attracted to the same sex?”  My comment was not about making a proclaiming his sexuality. It was about bringing attention to the fact that being a sexual predator is not a diagnosis of sexuality. Eddie Long’s sexuality is not being investigated. Sexual abuse is the issue at hand. Somehow not every one sees or understands that there is an actual difference.

Because the alleged act is between individuals of the same sex, it is somehow pushing the issue of abuse under the table. I find the whole thing bizarre and heartbreaking! In various Internet comment sections discussing the issue, there are multiple comments like this one:  “How could they be abused when they were 16 years old? They knew what they were doing.” Then I have to ask: What happens if you place a 16-year-old girl in the situation? Would people easily oversee the issue of abuse and molestation simply because of her age? Does that mean a 40-year-old woman cannot be fondled without her consent or even manipulated into a sexual act in fear of being fired from her job or threatened with bodily harm? Would we immediately say a woman couldn’t be raped at 16 because she obviously knows what sex is at that age? Because the issue involves men- and especially black men- no one seems to see or even care how these boys could have been victims.

Through this issue I cannot help but feel pain and sorrow for men as a whole. Regardless of sexuality and race, a man’s masculinity is directly correlated to his sexuality in a way that is beyond crippling. A true “man” is a sexual warrior, glorified by the amount of sex he has and his various conquests. A woman has the ability to be sexualized regardless of how she expresses sexuality. Women who are virgins are seen as hot and even sexy and often the least number of sexual partners increases a woman’s value. If a man is not having sex, something is wrong with him. If he is still a virgin, he’s not a “man”. And those that are not expressing themselves sexually often have their sexuality questioned. No wonder why there are so many men with repressed sexuality in the churches, so many sexual crimes against women by men, and so many men afraid of “coming out”.  Crossing both heterosexuality and homosexuality we have made it so hard for a man to simply be… just who he is.

Regardless of the lives altered by whatever happened under Bishop Eddie Long’s parish, I hope that the one possible positive light through this scandal is a dialogue regarding men and sexuality. 1 in 6 men are sexually abused before the age of 16. So many of them keep it a secret and never discuss it because they are in fear of their own masculinity being questioned. The longer we continue to ignore the possibility of men being victimized sexually, the more sexual predators we allow to continue to hurt others. 

STUPID S**T MEN DO

Here’s the truth. Men are just as irrational and sometimes more emotional then women. Not sure who started the myth that woman are the erratic ones and men are the level headed but in all relationships the crazy one can change day to day. Below is a list of stupid things I ‘ve seen men do over and over again. They don’t make any sense but for some reason men keep falling into the same trap. Seriously, after this list, who’s the crazy one?

LOOKS = STD STATUS 

I sat with two guy friends who tried to have a rational conversation about determining if a woman has an STD by what she looks like. The fact that she “looked” clean was enough to possibly know if she had something. “Looked” clean? These are educated men with professional jobs. Men women would consider a “catch” but they were dumb enough to figure out if a woman looked like she took a shower, spent money on her clothes therefore she most likely doesn’t have something they could catch. Can we say not smart? 

DATE THE SAME TYPE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT

I have two guy friends that have money but complain about always dating women who only are interested in what they can do for them. The only problem is they are only attracted to women who don’t have a job, didn’t graduate from college, have some type of family drama or dream of becoming an actress of a fashion model. Not saying that all these examples equal gold digger but if you got close to all of them you are more then likely looking for someone to solve your problems. It’s the same drill year after year. They fall in love and can't stop talking about how beautiful she is. They shower her with expensive dinners, shoes, clothes etc and then 4 months later they complain about the fact that she never wants to just chill and they can't believe the expensive gift she's expecting for her birthday. Then when relationship is over, a new girl with the same exact DNA catches their eye and the cycle starts all over again. 10 years later, they have the same problem and they are sill wondering why. 

BIDDING TOO CLOSE TO HOME

Cheating itself is a no no but if you are going to do it why hit up someone who has a relationship with your significant other? The other day my married neighbor told me that if I didn’t live so close, he would “give me something to talk about”. In other words, if I was down, he was more than interested in being a “friendly neighbor”.  First off he must be out of his mind to even think I’d be interested and second of all, does her realize I’m his neighbor? Just the approach itself is something his wife would be furious about and now all I have to do is happen to mention it when I wave hello to her every morning. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard a story like this. A girlfriend’s husband constantly hits on women during his wife's dinner parties. An ex boyfriend once took a girl out on a date that works in the same industry as me. Isn’t the logical thought to go somewhere where it wouldn’t be so easy to get caught? The even crazier thing is all these men were surprised when they got caught as if getting away with it was really an option.

I KNOW YOU SEE IT BUT DO I HAVE TO KNOW?

Sure, we want you to notice our body. That’s a huge plus if a man immediately finds us sexy especially if it’s on an average day when were not necessarily trying.  But if my ass if the one thing that caused you to approach me don’t tell me about that! Compliment my glasses, ask me what I am drinking, but don’t tell me "your ass is the bizness”. A girlfriend of mine has big breasts. There so big no matter what she wears men can’t help but notice them. But it’s that man that shares at her chest the whole time he’s talking to her that isn’t going to get too far. It’s actually the guy who pretends to notice her smile or even her laugh that’s going to get the number. Ironically, the majority of the time it's the one physical attribute that most people notice that often makes us women insecure. We'd like to know time to time thats not only thing that people see. 

It’s seems like these days just being a man makes you an expert when it comes to relationships but guess what guys, you need a little help too.