MEN ARE MADE FOR POLYGAMY - AND OTHER STUPID IDEAS SOME MEN WANT US TO BELIEVE

I recently went to a relationships panel. A friend of mine was putting together a sizzle reel about two men giving love and relationship advice. I was actually excited to attend because lord knows I like to argue with the best of them. Especially when it comes to relationships and what the hell is wrong with people these days. Unfortunately the men, my relationship experts for the hour, weren’t exactly… shall we say smart? The problem was they would give these bogus ideals based in no sense of validity. One of them has suck with me since I left:

“Men aren’t made for Monogamy. Men are wired for Polygamy”.

Huh? We’ve all heard the comment that men are not wired for Monogamy but Polygamy? How is that possible? I honestly, believe the guy actually didn’t know what he was saying. Polygamy is a social construction of marriage. It’s the institution of a man having multiple wives to mate with multiple women. Polygamy is not having sex with multiple people is actually a commitment just like marriage but to multiple people at once.  As many people have a hard time staying committed in one relationship is it actually logical to say men wired to be committed to multiple women at one time? I’m going to have to label that one as a big fail. Sorry buddy but Polygamy just like marriage is a social construction. An idea WE as people made up.  Can you really argue the possibility of a belief based on biology? My point is polygamy or monogamy is based on what you believe in. Not what your body is capable of.

Now let’s talk about Monogamy. Is it possible for a man to be with one woman for the rest of his life? Hell Yes! Just as it is possible for a woman to be with one man sexually for the rest of her life. All is possible, the more interesting question is, is it likely? I full heartedly believe that men have the ability to separate sex and love in a way that does not come naturally for most women. Therefore a sexual act with another woman doesn’t have to impede on their feelings for their wife/girlfriend. Now women, I included, tend to keep our emotions connected to our sexual desires. Sexual desire and emotion are co dependent best friends, afraid to go places without the other. It’s because of our two distinctly different relationships with emotion and sexual desire that people translate that to the possibility of monogamy. The only problem is that monogamy is not a physical act. It’s a commitment. Based on physiology there are many things that our bodies are not made to do, but are minds make them possible. In that sense, Monogamy is no different then finishing and training for a marathon. I’m sorry, our bodies are just not made to run 26 miles. I’m not a doctor but after running a half marathon, I’ve deducted it’s a physical act God did not intend for us to do. It’s brutal and just plain mean. But it’s the mental belief  and commitment that gets people across the finish line. So monogamy is just as possible for a man and it is for a woman. It’s all about if he or she believes in it.

In my future marriage, I don’t expect monogamy. I expect someone to work as hard at is as I do. Someone willing to make the commitment and put in the work. Physically, we are all going to be attracted to multiple people in our lives. It’s the commitment and your commitment to the commitment that makes its all real.

Now stop saying men cant be monogamist. It’s simply not true. And stop believing monogamy is easy for women either.  Sure biologically, men think about sex more often then women and I am not arguing that men might not have more issues then women but at the end of the day it’s all about what you believe in. 

WE'RE ALL JUST LOVE JUNKIES ON THE HUNT FOR OUR NEXT FIX

I believe the older we get break ups only become more difficult to deal with. We take more thought into the people we choose as partners, the relationships are often more serious, and then when it falls apart, the failure feels a lot more heavier. It’s the opposite of most things in life, with more experience breaks ups become a lot more difficult to get through.

A recent study published by the Journal of Neurophysiology gives us a little more insight into why. Study shows a break up has similar affects on the brain as cocaine addiction. Crazy right? The thought behind this is Love is more of an addition then an actual feeling. Researchers found obsession and heartache caused by unrequited love stimulates the same areas of the brain as cocaine addicts experiencing physical pain while going through a withdrawal. Anyone who’s been through a break up can see the validity in this study. The shit is hard to kick! And there really is nothing you can do but try to get through it. Ideally we are all just freaking addicts. Love and relationships are about getting that high. Feeling invincible. Seeing life in a whole new perspective. 

The main lesson to learn from this study is that to get through a break up you got to treat it like an addiction. Stalking, sending love letters, phone calls, and begging to get back aint going to work. COLD TURKEY!! Cut it off!! And get through the pain! Maybe also we all can have a little more sympathy for our over dramatic friend constantly crying while staring at old pictures. She's a junkie, going through withdrawal. The good news is, the study show as time passes the brain activity decreased when subjects looked at a picture of their old love. In some ways love is just a fixation of the brain. In due time my friends… In due time.

To ready the full article click HERE

5 OF YOUR MOTHER'S DATING RULES THAT STILL APPLY

I know its 2010 and we are all modern women. We can go wherever we please, have fabulous careers, travel the world and have children on our terms but when it comes to dating, some old fashion rules still apply.  Sorry ladies, regardless of how independent we might feel some of them are worth following. As a woman who likes to be in control, I have a hard time with these but as I get older I realize… yes, mom… you were right.

WAIT FOR HIM TO CALL YOU

 This rule applies at all stages of a relationship. As much as I want to fight it, it’s just true… men like to be the pursuers. Especially in the beginning. He wants to call you. Sure, we have the ability to make the first call or ask him out on the first date but at some point we have to turn it over and allow him to lead. Call him too soon and his ego is boosted. The worst thing to deal with is a man who’s too sure of himself.

NEVER HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE

 We all know the story of a couple that had sex on the first date and are happily in love. But they are the exception, not the rule. As much as we are all adults in control of our sexuality a lot of men easily compartmentalize. A friend of mine was really excited about going out with a girl he had liked for weeks. They had sex the first date and he questioned everything. If its too easy for them in the beginning they assume its easy for others. Sure, it’s not fair but think of how many times having sex on the first date as worked in your favor?

NEVER PUT YOUR EGGS ALL IN ONE BASKET

 Regardless of how good the new guy is, it’s always good to keep your options open until you have the “talk”. It saves you from expecting too much and will remind him that they jury is still out. You don’t have to start an online file or searching for someone else. Just continue to hang out with your girlfriends. If another guy asks you out, go out with him. I’m not at all suggesting  don’t let a man know how much you like him…just don’t act like your in a relationship before you’re actually in one.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A DRESS

 Every woman should have a least a couple signature dresses. Dresses that we know as soon as we put them on heads turn. It’s undeniable. A dress receives completely different energy and attention then great slacks and heels. These days and especially in Los Angeles, we’re in jeans all the time. When you put on a dress it reminds men you are a lady and yes, they are worth getting dressed up for.

Sure, I know some could argue that these don’t apply in 2010 but I beg to differ. As complex and evolved we want to be, some of the basics never change. So, did I just take us back to 1950’s or is there some truth to this?  

THE LIL MAN IN MY LIFE & MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

In the middle of a conversation about coins he bends over and kisses me on the cheek. I try not to make it too much of a big deal because he doesn’t. But inside I smile. This is the first time he has ever shown me affection like that. He continues flipping the coin between heads and tails unaware of any possible interpretation of his action. Obviously it was just something he felt like doing - which only makes the kiss 10 times sweeter.

I remember the days he would refuse to hold my hand. For months, I would ask him a question and he would ignore me simply because he wasn’t interested in talking. But now, no matter where we go, even if we are just walking from the house to the car, he grabs my hand as if it’s the one thing he’s suppose to do. With that kiss, I knew I had arrived to a special place in Henry’s life.

In January when I went freelance, I decided to take a couple babysitting gigs to guarantee some income as I built clients. I had babysat Henry, 8 years old and his sister Cate 6, on and off for years but had never spent considerable time with them on a consistent weekly basis. Regardless of how many times I had previously babysat Henry, when I started to pick him up from school he wasn’t too happy. Each day I was there was a reminder that is mother was busy doing something else. But now 6 months later, Henry and I are a team. We’re best friends with inside jokes. We discuss basketball and sports and talk about movies we can’t wait to see. When he use to cry when I showed up because it was reminder that his Mom was taking off, now he runs toward me, eager to tell me the vital points of his life that I’ve missed.

Now that I most likely soon will not need babysitting anymore, I’m thinking about the time that I have spent. Initially, the desire to baby-sit was only about money but I have gained so much more. Overall, spending time with these kids has also opened my eyes to a couple misconceptions about motherhood and children that I know a lot of other single women have. Check it out:

HOUSEWIVES HAVE IT EASY

I always thought being a stay at home mom left you with more freedom then working full time. Boy was I completely wrong. Henry’s mother was a full time career woman who now stays home with the kids but I have to tell you, I have NEVER seen a more busy person. Between her husband, two children, volunteering at their school, and the basic maintenance of their gorgeous home, she is easily one of the hardest working women I know. Being a mom is a job that not only takes extreme skill but an attention to detail that I don’t know that I have. Plus it’s a gig that you never get to clock out of.

BEING WITH CHILDREN ALL DAY EVERYDAY FEELS LIKE A TRAP

I always saw myself as a working mother simply for the fact that the idea of not interacting with anyone other then my children for the majority of the day felt like a punishment (I’m obviously not ready for motherhood). But spending time with a child everyday has made me realize how satisfying and rewarding time it can be. Granted, I get to return them but I find myself feeling so lucky to be able to have that moment with them. Often when work feels stressful and I’m worried about my career it’s been those hours with Henry that has put it all in perspective for me.

MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN MUST HAPPEN BEFORE 35

Both of the women I work for got married and had children after 35. They didn’t meet their husbands until after 35. They are beautiful vivacious women happily married and happily exploring motherhood. As much as biologically there is a ticking clock, socially life happens when it’s suppose to. Who cares if it is at 32, 28, and 45? It’s still joy and love regardless of when it shows up.

A MARRIAGE IS NEVER THE SAME AFTER KIDS

This is not a misconception this is TRUTH. Not that the change is necessarily negative but it’s no longer about just the two of you. It easily becomes all about the kids. What do they need, how are they etc. Just having a conversation about your day can be difficult when a kid is sitting in the same room. More now then ever I hope that I have at least a few years with my husband to explore marriage, our relationship and build a strong foundation before kids even think of arriving.

           

The day hasn’t come yet but a huge part of me is heartbroken about my time with Henry coming to an end. No more games of basketball, frozen yogurt runs, or arguing the appropriate lyrics of a song. Being able to experience those simple moments with a child has made me appreciate motherhood so much more. Even answering the most simple questions like “What does inconvenience mean?” or making sure he’s familiar with every single song on Michael Jackson’s Thriller, has made me appreciate how much of who we are, what we like, and how we grow as people is learned.  As much as I am happy career wise to not need the babysitting but I’m definitely choked up about not having that time with him. Babysitting as an adult has been like an internship in motherhood. I think every single woman considering being a mother has to do it. It’s life changing. At least it has been for me. 

CELEBRATE LOVE PROFILE #5 ROYCE AND RASHEEA HALL

 Imagine that it's Friday. Don't imagine that you got the day off tomorrow... just imagine that I actually posted this on Friday, the day I said I would instead of waiting til Monday. ENJOY! 

Royce stares across the room as he thinks. Like a stumped child during a spelling bee, he finds it impossible to answer my question but unwilling to give up. Finally he finds the only answer that makes sense,

 “Honestly, I don’t remember a part of my life without knowing her”.

Sincere and deeply honest, Royce has a hard time remembering what life was like before meeting his wife Rasheea. He’s not trying to be romantic or charming. He speaks with deep honesty as if I was asking him his birth date. He’s equally stunned when Rasheea recounts how they met through yahoo personals in 1999. Yes, It’s hard to believe but in 1999 people actually did use the Internet to date. Rasheea a recent college graduate living in Boston decided to give the Internet a try. Only 22 at the time, she wasn’t on any mission to find “the one” or dating with any agenda. She was simply looking to meet a few new people. At the time, Royce had recently moved to Boston. His job left him working nights and often alone, not giving him much of an opportunity to have a social life. He joined yahoo personals thinking this might be a chance to actually hang out with a couple people other then his old boring colleagues. 

When they met, getting along came easy. But as a young woman Rasheea wasn’t ready to throw all her eggs in one basket. She continued to date another guy but when Royce told her he was moving to San Francisco her world quickly shifted. Without any clear understanding, Rasheea found herself crying to a friend, devastated at the thought of Royce not being around. Following her heart instead of any dating advice book, Rasheea too was making San Francisco her new home a couple months later. She remembers, “There was no agenda, no motive. I just knew I wanted to be with him”. Her family members asked her repeatedly if she was ready for such a commitment but for her there was no commitment to be made. It was simple then as it is now, she just wanted to enjoy life near him. While in San Francisco, they didn’t live together and they both searched for the right career path. Each applied for grad school and moved back to the east coast together. Without even knowing, their lives were already effortlessly moving in sync.

Ironically, both being from Jersey, Royce and Rasheea are far from the same place. As Rasheea likes to illustrate “ My family is Good Times, while his are the Cosby Show”. Rasheea grew up in Newark with her grandmother in the projects while Royce grew up in the most traditional middle class home. While growing up in different settings, they grew up to value the same virtues: education, commitment, and family. As Royce strived to provide the same life his parents gave him, Rasheea learned to value what she was not given.

Like Steve Harvey preaches in “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”, as soon as Royce graduated from grad school and finally started to feel the career accomplishment he always wanted, getting married became a natural progression. As Rasheea recalls there wasn’t a drastic change or a needed push, they just moved into that direction when it made perfect sense for them.

Now 10 years from the day they met, Rasheea is pregnant and looking forward to having their first child. Already filled with motherly love, she find the most exciting part of being pregnant is knowing the life her future child will have.

 “I’m just over the moon that my child gets to have such an amazing father,” she says.

When I ask them what makes their relationship work, they agree it’s their ability to allow the other to be uniquely themselves. Royce speaks to the fact that they had to learn it’s okay to have different interests and not do everything together. He explains, “I’ve seen couples at events where one is sitting there miserable somewhere they don’t want to be only because they think they should be there, but no one ends up enjoying being there”. He speaks of moments where they go to events in separate cars so that one has the option to leave before the other. They laugh as they remember how Royce had to learn to not bring Rasheea along to watch a sport event if he wants to enjoy the game without having to worry about when they’re going to leave.

 As a married couple who has figured it out to an extent, Rasheea speaks on one

Misconception of marriage,

“Some people speak of marriage as two people who complete each other but in reality marriage is two whole people who come together to compliment each other”. 

She believes that Royce not only understands her but,

 “ He enhances me. He makes me want to do better”.

 Royce speaks to Rasheea’s thoughtfulness and her ability to love. He finds comfort in knowing she is always there for him,

 “She’s always there to defend my best interests”.

As we come to an end, I’m still amazed by how comfortable they are with each other. I ask her, as a professional black woman who has defeated statistics, is there any advice to give others?

“I think a woman in general finds her mate when she is suppose to. I believe in fate and some of us are meant to do it earlier in life and others later. I honestly got lucky with Royce. I really believe that I went through so much in my childhood that God put Royce in my life as a symbol of hope and to show what life could be”. 

SINGLE WITH NO ATTACHMENTS V.S MARRIED WITH KIDS - WHOSE GOT THE BETTER DEAL?

In so many moments in life we seem to want what we can’t have. Ever so often when we receive what we have coveted for so long we realize life without it wasn’t so bad. So many single people experience their autonomy with uncertainty and spend being single looking forward to that magical day when they are married with kids. We, especially women, view being married and having children as the sign of full arrival – finally reaching life’s potential. The only problem is married with kids might not be as magical as we believe.

This month, New York Magazine features “All Joy and No Fun – Why parents hate parenting”. According to sociologists married couples with children are the least happy. They are happy to be parents, find joy in being “settled” but the constraints and constant worry attributed to parenting causes more stress then most realize. One of the interesting points to the article is doctors believe the rise of people being “unhappy” once having children is simply because people are getting married a lot later in life. Now we know what we are missing. Because men and women are spending more time independently living on their own, parenting couples find the autonomy that most single people complain about inviting. Remember the numerous nights alone wishing someone was there with you? Possibly years from now you will be holding a child while watching another wishing for just once to be fully alone. So maybe we all need to just hold our horses a little bit and enjoy the life that we have because at the end of the day…. we might be a lot luckier then we think.

I think it’s important for all of us single folks, men and women, to realize that being single is not a death sentence. The only reason that it might feel like that is simply because we are not fully experiencing our current stage of life. We have a life full of opportunities to go anywhere and do anything. A freedom that will no longer be apart of your life once it becomes much bigger than you.  So many of us look towards the pending future as the “answer” but as the article states married with children doesn’t bring the automatic gift of happiness.

It’s interesting to realize that the aimless feeling of not know what is happening next in life is the one emotion we could possibly be missing once we are settled. A married friend of mine admitted to going through a small depression right after tying the knot. For so long she was looking forward to finding “Him”. When she found him the next obsession was when were they going to get engaged. Once they were engaged, it was all about the wedding and once they were married she sat at home wondering what’s next? There wasn’t much to dream about. She had all that she wanted. 

I think the New York Magazine article points to the fact that we are all pretty lucky in our own way. And we really have to understand and live as such. I think once we are able to fully accept and enjoy being single we might arrive to the ability to meet someone and move into the next stage of life. I know that might sound odd right? Having to love being single to be able to move into marriage? But unfortunately the unhappiness of our present stage can essentially be the one thing holding us back from moving forward. So all the single women out there, it might be becoming “happily single” that brings the possibility of being “happily married with kids”. 

Am I making any sense here? 

Lyfe Jennings- STATISTICS

Supposedly inspired by Steve Harvey's book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, Lyfe Jennings gives us ladies some advice in finding a good man. As simple as it is, he's pretty much giving advice that we tend to forget. I can't tell you how many of my girlfriend's sleep with a guy on the first date and wonder why all he wants is a booty call. Sure we all want greatness but as he says, sometimes we forget "to be the person that we want to find". As much as I want to be upset about another man thinking we need his advice... he's calling us ladies out and basically saying "Expect more, You'll Get More". We all get to choose who we want to be with, time for us to pretty much make better choices.

Your Thoughts?  Is Lyfe speaking the truth? Or just another man trying to give advice that really shouldn't be?

How Much Of The Past Do We Really Need To Know?

The first thing I thought when the pictures of The Dream were released was “Are we really surprised?” He already had left a wife and their small children before meeting Christina. Doesn’t that show you what he thinks of commitment? And then I thought of all the previous mistakes I have made. Would I want a future boyfriend to assume the stupid things I did in my past will happen in our future? People change and mature, right?  But The-Dream did leave his wife with small children like he did in his previous relationship. So is it fair to assume what someone did then is what they are going to do now?

In one of my past relationships, we didn’t really discuss much of what happened in the relationships before us. We discussed the broad strokes; our longest relationships and situations we would never want to enter again but that was it. No list of who we've been with and exactly what happened in each relationship. Honestly, it was the most freeing situation I had been in. I didn’t have to worry about introducing him to an ex; having to deal with any sort of jealousy and more importantly I didn’t have to deal with any judgment. I liked not knowing what happened in his previous relationships because it allowed me to just deal with our situation.  But now that the relationship is over, I often wonder if I knew more of his past, could I possibly have known more of our pending future? Could the issues we dealt in the relationship be repeating issues for him? And if I knew that before, could I have avoided the situation?

Now today with Facebook, twitter, etc we can know a lot about a person before we get to the first date. Information overload is so much the norm that lately I’ve been uncomfortable with going out with someone that I don’t know anything about. Because information these days is so accessible, it’s odd when the person is the only source of information.  But does knowing previous information cause unwarranted assumptions that can ruin a possible relationship or save possible partners from a pending break up?

If I had known about my ex’s past relationships would I go into the relationship with the same excitement? Possibly not but again is it fair to assume what happened in the past is going to happen in the future? I have a friend who cheated in past relationships but wouldn’t even think of cheating in her current situation. If her boyfriend made assumptions from her past they would not be able to have the bond they have now. On the other hand, I have a friend that has cheated in all of his relationships and continues to cheat in his current. Obviously the assumption for his is a correct one. So how much do we need to know about our partners past? And honestly, how much does it really matter?

Regardless of what happened in my past relationship I definitely do not regret not worrying about the past. The worry and the agony is more damaging then any possible action. I’d rather not worry about someone who is cheating on me then worry about someone who is not cheating… but that’s a whole other post. The truth is we trusted each other to purely be in the now. That feeling is not only priceless and it allowed our situation be just that…ours. 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Flipping through a magazine, I stopped at an ad for a furniture store. A happy couple enjoyed their new couch at a wonderfully discounted price. Right as I began to bypass the generic ad, I stopped and gave a second look to the man. Why does he look familiar? I turned the page assuming he was just another reality star that I had gotten so familiar with on TV that I actually thought I knew him in real life. But then I realized I really did know him. I knew him a lot. Not too long ago, I was in love with this man. Not just in love but dreaming of marrying him and having his child.  And now… he was just a face that was as recognizable as the guy who stood in line with me at Starbucks. How is it possible that you can be so in love with someone and a couple years later, they easily become just a part of your past? Could that strong feeling that I once felt for him then really be love? And if not, how do you know when you are really in love if it can easily be mistaken for something else?

I know that the question seems simple to some but as I get a little older the answer gets more complicated. I’ve never been able to be with someone that I just  “like”. Therefore, anyone that I have had a substantial relationship (regardless of how long it might have last) was someone I loved. Not “thought was cool” or “could see myself loving” but someone that I adored, knocked me off my feet that I shouted to anyone who would listen, I finally had found my soul mate (again).  The only problem was that miraculous all encompassing feeling didn’t always last and now I wonder did I ever really love anyone? If that once magical feeling has now dissipated does that mean that relationship is irrelevant? All these thoughts make that simple question that often shows up in the beginning of any new relationship,  “Have you ever been in love?” complicated to answer.

That feeling that I felt with Mr. Man on the Couch was so genuine. So real, so unadulterated that in many ways it was of the most purest form of love. I don’t at all question the validity of the feeling then, but because I can look at a picture of a man and keep it moving with so much indifference… was it really love? Love doesn’t fade right? Love doesn’t flow like the kitchen faucet one moment cold another hot. Or is love the feeling that you felt then, even if you don’t necessarily feel it now?

Maybe the true test of love is time. After time has passed and the feelings are no longer of admiration or even respect … maybe it was never love in the first place. Maybe love and relationships are purely about the ego and what it needs to grow. So our experiences are not about a fairytale concept of oneness and affection, but really about self-expression and personal development. One relationship of mine was purely about my self-esteem. At the time I thought it was all about love, my soul mate, the one person who truly understood me. But the truth was all I wanted was to know that I was lovable, that I was someone worth being with. And guess what he gave me that, plus heartbreak and a whole lot of drama. Now that time has separated us, I know now that the relationship was a place of growth for me. Granted, I might not be familiar with the girl who would choose to be with a person like that but I am extremely grateful for the experience. An experience that has completely shaped the person I am now. Honestly, in that relationship I experienced a freedom and an expression of “love” that might not ever be possible again.  My feelings for him now are completely diluted from the emotional connection then but can I say that I didn’t love him? Not sure if that’s true.

There is one relationship that stands out for me. If I were asked that question, “Have I ever been in love” my answer would be once. It was that one relationship that I can honestly say that I experienced what I believe to be true love because I truly loved myself first. My personal respect for who I am allowed me to truly love him unconditionally. Oddly enough, it’s the one ex boyfriend that I no longer speak with. The one boyfriend that I can say regardless of time I am far from indifferent.

Maybe the true test of love is not what you are feeling now but what you feel later. Maybe the ultimate true test is how you feel AFTER the relationship. When a relationship is over, its no longer about what you are currently getting out of it. It’s not about how the person saw you or how you saw yourself when you were with them. Maybe love is truly an emotion with degrees. An emotion with no set of standard or generalization. Possibly love changes for every person and every experience. Maybe the truth is I loved all of them in their own special way and their own special place. Honestly, they all have contributed to my present. They are all apart of me and always will be. 

Like I said, Online Dating Sucks

A couple months ago I wrote a post on online dating and how I don't believe it as a system that truly helps in matching you with the right person. Looks like I'm not the only one. Doctor Dan Ariely did a study on online dating and found out that on average people spend over 6 hours online for the possibility of coffee. The problem is the attributes that we list and require are not true signs of compatibility or even real gauges of what we are truly looking for, even if we don't know it.  It's an interesting argument about a social system that is becoming the norm. Does it really work?

STUPID S**T MEN DO

Here’s the truth. Men are just as irrational and sometimes more emotional then women. Not sure who started the myth that woman are the erratic ones and men are the level headed but in all relationships the crazy one can change day to day. Below is a list of stupid things I ‘ve seen men do over and over again. They don’t make any sense but for some reason men keep falling into the same trap. Seriously, after this list, who’s the crazy one?

LOOKS = STD STATUS 

I sat with two guy friends who tried to have a rational conversation about determining if a woman has an STD by what she looks like. The fact that she “looked” clean was enough to possibly know if she had something. “Looked” clean? These are educated men with professional jobs. Men women would consider a “catch” but they were dumb enough to figure out if a woman looked like she took a shower, spent money on her clothes therefore she most likely doesn’t have something they could catch. Can we say not smart? 

DATE THE SAME TYPE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT

I have two guy friends that have money but complain about always dating women who only are interested in what they can do for them. The only problem is they are only attracted to women who don’t have a job, didn’t graduate from college, have some type of family drama or dream of becoming an actress of a fashion model. Not saying that all these examples equal gold digger but if you got close to all of them you are more then likely looking for someone to solve your problems. It’s the same drill year after year. They fall in love and can't stop talking about how beautiful she is. They shower her with expensive dinners, shoes, clothes etc and then 4 months later they complain about the fact that she never wants to just chill and they can't believe the expensive gift she's expecting for her birthday. Then when relationship is over, a new girl with the same exact DNA catches their eye and the cycle starts all over again. 10 years later, they have the same problem and they are sill wondering why. 

BIDDING TOO CLOSE TO HOME

Cheating itself is a no no but if you are going to do it why hit up someone who has a relationship with your significant other? The other day my married neighbor told me that if I didn’t live so close, he would “give me something to talk about”. In other words, if I was down, he was more than interested in being a “friendly neighbor”.  First off he must be out of his mind to even think I’d be interested and second of all, does her realize I’m his neighbor? Just the approach itself is something his wife would be furious about and now all I have to do is happen to mention it when I wave hello to her every morning. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard a story like this. A girlfriend’s husband constantly hits on women during his wife's dinner parties. An ex boyfriend once took a girl out on a date that works in the same industry as me. Isn’t the logical thought to go somewhere where it wouldn’t be so easy to get caught? The even crazier thing is all these men were surprised when they got caught as if getting away with it was really an option.

I KNOW YOU SEE IT BUT DO I HAVE TO KNOW?

Sure, we want you to notice our body. That’s a huge plus if a man immediately finds us sexy especially if it’s on an average day when were not necessarily trying.  But if my ass if the one thing that caused you to approach me don’t tell me about that! Compliment my glasses, ask me what I am drinking, but don’t tell me "your ass is the bizness”. A girlfriend of mine has big breasts. There so big no matter what she wears men can’t help but notice them. But it’s that man that shares at her chest the whole time he’s talking to her that isn’t going to get too far. It’s actually the guy who pretends to notice her smile or even her laugh that’s going to get the number. Ironically, the majority of the time it's the one physical attribute that most people notice that often makes us women insecure. We'd like to know time to time thats not only thing that people see. 

It’s seems like these days just being a man makes you an expert when it comes to relationships but guess what guys, you need a little help too.  

BREAST FEEDING AND BIKINIS

“She doesn’t pump?”

“Never”

“She doesn’t care where she’s at, she’ll pull that titty out in an instant”

“I know a girl who will pull over three times before going to the grocery store” 

The table gasps.

I laugh in awe.

Random men in my apartment. Drunk couples fighting. A night full of secrets that aren’t revealed til months later. All of those are examples of the 4^th of July’s of my past. But this year I sit at a table with my closest friends as they discussed the trials and tribulations of breast-feeding. My girlfriend, known for her legendary 4^th of July parties just had a baby. My other girlfriend, known for her appetite of sexy men and fine wine, is three months pregnant. Another girlfriend, now in a serious relationship listens with a smile while holding her boyfriends hand excited for the day when she would no longer be a breast-feeding spectator and have her own stories to share. There I was, fascinated by the information, intrigued by my friends’ new lives but lost because I couldn’t relate. As one of the few people single and or without children, I find myself often stuck between a pending adulthood and a free spirited youth.

 During breast pumps, lactating, and baby bonding, across the lawn were a group of young 20 year olds in the Jacuzzi drinking and having the time of their lives. The majority of them actor and actresses hopefuls with washboard stomachs and perfect biceps, I look at them wondering would I fit more over there? And then I remembered my 20’s and realized I was farther away from that Jacuzzi then I was from learning how to latch on. I sat far from the insecurity and constant approval of my 20’s but not in the same place of my friends dealing with motherhood and wondering how to make your husband wear his wedding ring. In some ways I could easily fit into both worlds, but neither would I find home.

It seems in so many ways, 2010 has been about reinventing myself. Figuring out who exactly I am as my own. Not the fierce participant of a group of best friends and not someone’s girlfriend. Who I am independently from all of the factors that once thoroughly defined what I was doing and where I was going?  As much as I found myself strongly independent and confident, it’s only now that I truly understand what independence really means.

As I sit somewhere between breast feeding and bikinis I’m realizing that being single doesn’t have to be considered the pause button before you get married. It’s a legitimate stage of life that has just as much relevance as being married or motherhood. My life is constantly moving and evolving more ways this year then years of my past and I wouldn’t have been able to shift it wasn’t currently all about me.

So I lean back in my chair with the laughter and clanking beer bottles behind me and the understanding of motherhood somewhere ahead. I take a sip of my sangria and thank god for the experience and wisdom of my past and thankful for all of my future. I move around feeling the cracks, the possible splinters and finally find that place we all seek… comfort. 

CELEBRATE LOVE PROFILE #4 LATANYA RICHARDSON AND SAMUEL L JACKSON

First off, please let me apologize for another Celebrity couple. This week was rough finding a couple to interview so I plan not only to be blogging more frequently next week but will return the celebrate love series with a couple whose life is probably more similar to yours.

HAPPY FRIDAY PEOPLE!

LATANYA RICHARDSON AND SAMUEL JACKSON

If you know anything about Samuel’s history you probably have the same question I have, how did LaTanya deal with all of that? The couple met in college and quickly got married soon after. Both actors, they shared the same love for the arts and the same dream of making it “big”. LaTanya who had been acting a little longer than Samuel had more of a promising career but it was Sam who became the star. It wasn’t until his 30’s that Sam started to get attention by Hollywood and by then he deep in the battle of alcohol and cocaine addiction. In his critically acclaimed role as a crack addict in Jungle Fever, Sam was actually recovering while filming. Sam’s life is a powerful testament to the fact that life aint over til it’s over. After years of being broke, addiction and self-sabotaging multiples chances at success, Sam never gave up. And obviously neither did LaTanya. How did she stay committed to him through those years? Can you imagine, the promising Renaissance man you married, that you shared the same dreams and passions with becomes an addict?  Instead of leaving the relationship that many would agree was justified, LaTanya stayed for the hope of something better. This concept blows my mind.

As much as drug addiction could be a deal breaker it seems that was something they were able to recover from. It’s Sam’s successful career that seems to be more of the battle. In a 2006 EBONY article, LaTanya is very vocal about how his stardom is a constant struggle for her. At the time of the interview, they both were working on the film Freedomland. Samuel, receiving top billing, had a bigger trailer then her. He was transported to set when LaTanya had to walk. As they discuss the on set dynamic Samuel explains

“ She’s been acting longer than I have, so she has this thing about why me and not her”.

 LaTanya the strong woman that she is, corrects him

,

“ No, the questions is ‘What about me?’ I understand why you, because you’re good. I’m asking what about me as well, in addition to you? 

Like Ruby Dee, there was a moment in LaTanya’s life where she chose her husband and daughter over her career.  “I cried like a banshee”, she says. “I’ve had to cry a lot. I kept saying, Lord, I was in this before Sam, is this really going to be only about him”?

As a woman who supported her husband through life’s most darkest moments, seeing his career soar ahead of hers had to be far from simple. Especially when many would agree she is the most important factor in his life, attributing to his success.

And then there is that one element of stardom that can ruin any union. Other women.

In the article, LaTanya sends a direct message.

“If you know the person is married, think about it before you go running up on them and touching them. Put yourself in the wife's shoes, and those of us with children--that's their father. We want you to enjoy their art, but that's what they do, not who they are."

Somehow, after drug and alcohol addiction, sacrifice, and possible infidelity, LaTanya and Samuel have made it through. Their relationship is a pure example that marriage does not promise ease.

 So many of us are looking towards that moment as the time that our lives finally become easier to deal with. So many of my single girlfriends can’t wait for the day to be married as if life will finally become the fantasy we were all promised. “ Why can’t I have my fairytale? Why don’t I get to be happy?” one of my girlfriends cried on her way home from work. The potential of a man somehow is attached to the promise of happiness and reward. In LaTanya and Samuel’s case she got much more of the opposite before she got any part of a Disney cartoon ending. And that came at the expense of her confidence and belief in her talent.

Possibly, the “easier” points of life might be the ones we have when we are single. When all you have to do is worry about is yourself. When selfishness is expected and forgiven. Add another person with needs, opinions, then throw in a kid of two and there is nothing that equals ease and comfortably in that equation.

One of the lessons that I am learning from these series is being able to understand the institution of marriage as a choice. Truly, we as women have been given a gift to want to be in a union, not have to be. We have to detach the fairytale from what marriage really promises. The union of two lives as one. And that often comes with extra baggage, extra work besides our own own. We have to be more than willing to deal with whatever comes with the vows and flowers. Ready for the life that happens after the vows.