REMEMBRANCE OF LESSONS ALREADY LEARNED

I wasn’t happy everyday when I was single… why would I expect that when I’m married?”

That’s Scott’s, my lead character in my latest project response when his therapist asks if he’s happily married. Like many writers, my characters’ dialogue is a direct reflection of my own perspectives. But even after having written that dialogue only a couple weeks earlier, it was my friend’s relationship woes that reminded me that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Sure it’s a simple and rational lesson but I think single life often helps us forget that. Somehow the pairing of your life with another becomes the remedy for loneliness and wandering purpose but sometimes with that pairing we trade independence for companionship and silence for complication.

 As my friend discussed her own issues I heard hints of anger. She didn’t say it but I can tell part of her complaints of her own relationship were purposeful backlashing to my numerous phone calls about bad dates and aversions to being the third wheel. 

“ Sometimes being in a relationship isn’t the answer. Sometimes, it can be the problem”. 

As much as she was mad at him, a part of her was mad at me for being single and having the freedom to be unhappy about it.

I got off the phone with the revelation about my own beliefs- Relationships and finding love is only PART of the story. If you took all of the pieces of our lives, the memories of what is good and substantial, our relationships, the goods ones and the bad ones are only part of the picture that makes up our lives.

People fall in love, out of love, fight, struggle, feel complete, become lost, and do it all over again and again. Finding love and being in a relationship is sometimes no different than being single – just a stage of life that we all hope to experience.

That conversation with my girlfriend just reminded me of the crazy expectations we create and make up. Life doesn’t owe us anything other than the experience. That’s it. Our only duty is to make the best of it.

Not that long ago, the option of being single until meeting the “right” person was a luxury for us all. Women got married because that’s what they were supposed to do. They had children because everyone else was doing it. But today we get to explore who we are beyond the titles of wife and mother and still have the option of taking on those titles if and when we want to.

As much as Scott’s dialogue sounds cynical, I see him as the romantic in the marriage. He doesn’t expect anything out of his marriage other than the opportunity to be with the woman he loves for the rest of his life. He chooses her when he’s bored, when sex isn’t great, and when life couldn’t be anymore perfect. He’s not married to an expectation; he’s married to her and only her.

If only the majority of people viewed marriage that way. Less people would do it and more people who actually get it right. 

STILL HERE

This year has been good to me work wise which has made it a lil hard for me to stay consistent with the blog. I'm working on getting better with that. But all in all, I'm still here in love with love and writing daily.

Below is Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life" Video. A good friend sent me this song on a compilation CD a couple years ago and instantly feel in love. Recently, I found the video on you tube and somehow have feel in love with the song 10 times more.

As a writer and creator this video inspires me because sometimes we spend soo much time trying to be "innovative" and "original" when most times its the pure and simple concepts that say it all.

Enjoy.

COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes.  My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined. 

Timothy Bloom - Til The End Of Time

I love this video. The imagery is so simple and so pure. LOVE. That's all it is.

The Ever Changing Mr. Perfect - A Sign Of Maturity Or Settling For The Basics?

I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.

For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity.  These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me.  He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter.  As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?

As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship.  But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?

Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.

During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?

Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?

It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.

There are still  a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection. 

Why Tracy McMillan Is Right- It's Time To Look In The Mirror

Tracy McMillan is smart, honest, and on point.  On Valentine's Day she wrote an article for The Huffington Post letting every woman know exactly "Why You Are Still Single". She's pointed out what a lot of women are not ready to hear - when we have suffered a string of failed relationships or have gone years without a date, the majority of the time the issue is us, not them. She lists six reasons from being materialistic to being just a plain bitch. What she alludes to but doesn’t mention is we all have our own issues to work through and if we haven’t been able to hold down a relationship when we actually want to, it's time to take a long hard look in the mirror. I wrote a similar post myself last year in August (The Reason You Are Single) pointing out the same sentiment - s0 many of us are so quick to blame our issues on someone else. But what I think many women are having issue with after reading Tracy’s article is the idea that we have to change if we want to be married. And the truth is we do! 

The institution of marriage wasn't created for two equal people with careers and full lives to love and cherish each other. It was made so that a man didn't have to take care of his daughters forever. A man would come take her off his hands and she would take care of him and give him a bunch of babies. (Please read, I Don't by Susan Squire)  Throughout the years, marriage became about love and through the feminist movement women began to establish our own ideals about marriage, careers and motherhood. Now we make up our own rules but the unfortunate part is that we have expected marriage to change just as much as we have. I think it's just becoming to catch up to us. 

All this to say is we have to understand our ideals as single women do not easily translate to what it means to be in a partnership. And the same rules apply to men. Being married and being single require two different mindsets, therefore if you are looking to be married, it's time to do the hard work and figure out why the hell you are still single. 

What I do love about Tracy's article that many women who disagree have seem to miss is Tracy admits marriage isn’t the dreamy fantasy that many want to believe. As she points out, 

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to".

So many of the things that us career minded independent women refuse to do are the virtues that actually make the idea of marriage work. We are not happy every single day or our single lives, not sure why we expect to be in bliss every single day when it comes to being in a relationship. Some of us don’t need to be married and that is more than ok. These days we are so blessed to have marriage as a choice, not a need.  Our lives might end up being more fulfilled if we begin to create them for who we actually are then following the status quo. 

For those that want and need to be married, we need to look in the mirror and truly answer, why we still single. For me that answer is much more extensive than the standard “I just haven’t met the right guy”.  I‘m just beginning to become the right girl able and willing to meet the right guy. The more that becomes more established everything else becomes much more easier to deal with.  

VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yay.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. After a couple drinks of sangria, I allowed myself to get caught up in a little unnecessary drama. Some how all the wisdom and maturity acquired over the years flew out the window and I reverted back to my early 20’s when “giving someone a piece of my mind” was the perfect and only way to communicate. But of course we forget what it feels like to wake up the next morning knowing you were an ass. And then of course I decided to schedule a dentist appointment at the crack of dawn.  While everyone is looking forward to surprise gestures of love and affection, I’ve allowed some woman to drill in my mouth for an hour. So today, I hate Valentine’s Day.

Once again, I feel left behind. As everyone around me begins to settle into relationships, marriage and babies, I’m still trying to figure out how to keep a relationship going more than one month.  This year Valentine’s Day feels like 24 hours created to remind me of everything that I want and don’t have when it comes to love. But then, I can’t help but remember that I actually use to love this day. And that wasn’t too long ago. Valentine’s Day especially in grade school was about celebrating my friends. I took that tradition into high school and even into my 20’s, regardless of whom I was dating, I got a big group together and we celebrated each other and the possibility of love. But now the idea of Valentine’s Day is filled with so much heavy expectation and false meaning that there’s just not any room for fun anymore. So in hopes of getting out of my love hating mood, I made a list of all the great things that come from love that are currently in my life. Just because I’m not in love doesn’t mean that I’m not surrounded by it every single and more importantly love and romance, although currently not present in my life, is far from dead.  So in celebration of Saint Valentine I honor the following:

The love between my parents that has lasted over 35 years

The love and joy surrounding my best friend’s pregnancy

The abundance of blessings I have been given through my friendships throughout the years

My brother’s approaching wedding and his new family

And the gorgeous sunshine that Los Angeles is getting in the middle of February.

At the end of the day, in or out of love, I am still one lucky gal.