Timothy Bloom - Til The End Of Time

I love this video. The imagery is so simple and so pure. LOVE. That's all it is.

The Ever Changing Mr. Perfect - A Sign Of Maturity Or Settling For The Basics?

I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.

For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity.  These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me.  He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter.  As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?

As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship.  But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?

Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.

During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?

Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?

It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.

There are still  a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection. 

Why Tracy McMillan Is Right- It's Time To Look In The Mirror

Tracy McMillan is smart, honest, and on point.  On Valentine's Day she wrote an article for The Huffington Post letting every woman know exactly "Why You Are Still Single". She's pointed out what a lot of women are not ready to hear - when we have suffered a string of failed relationships or have gone years without a date, the majority of the time the issue is us, not them. She lists six reasons from being materialistic to being just a plain bitch. What she alludes to but doesn’t mention is we all have our own issues to work through and if we haven’t been able to hold down a relationship when we actually want to, it's time to take a long hard look in the mirror. I wrote a similar post myself last year in August (The Reason You Are Single) pointing out the same sentiment - s0 many of us are so quick to blame our issues on someone else. But what I think many women are having issue with after reading Tracy’s article is the idea that we have to change if we want to be married. And the truth is we do! 

The institution of marriage wasn't created for two equal people with careers and full lives to love and cherish each other. It was made so that a man didn't have to take care of his daughters forever. A man would come take her off his hands and she would take care of him and give him a bunch of babies. (Please read, I Don't by Susan Squire)  Throughout the years, marriage became about love and through the feminist movement women began to establish our own ideals about marriage, careers and motherhood. Now we make up our own rules but the unfortunate part is that we have expected marriage to change just as much as we have. I think it's just becoming to catch up to us. 

All this to say is we have to understand our ideals as single women do not easily translate to what it means to be in a partnership. And the same rules apply to men. Being married and being single require two different mindsets, therefore if you are looking to be married, it's time to do the hard work and figure out why the hell you are still single. 

What I do love about Tracy's article that many women who disagree have seem to miss is Tracy admits marriage isn’t the dreamy fantasy that many want to believe. As she points out, 

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to".

So many of the things that us career minded independent women refuse to do are the virtues that actually make the idea of marriage work. We are not happy every single day or our single lives, not sure why we expect to be in bliss every single day when it comes to being in a relationship. Some of us don’t need to be married and that is more than ok. These days we are so blessed to have marriage as a choice, not a need.  Our lives might end up being more fulfilled if we begin to create them for who we actually are then following the status quo. 

For those that want and need to be married, we need to look in the mirror and truly answer, why we still single. For me that answer is much more extensive than the standard “I just haven’t met the right guy”.  I‘m just beginning to become the right girl able and willing to meet the right guy. The more that becomes more established everything else becomes much more easier to deal with.  

VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yay.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. After a couple drinks of sangria, I allowed myself to get caught up in a little unnecessary drama. Some how all the wisdom and maturity acquired over the years flew out the window and I reverted back to my early 20’s when “giving someone a piece of my mind” was the perfect and only way to communicate. But of course we forget what it feels like to wake up the next morning knowing you were an ass. And then of course I decided to schedule a dentist appointment at the crack of dawn.  While everyone is looking forward to surprise gestures of love and affection, I’ve allowed some woman to drill in my mouth for an hour. So today, I hate Valentine’s Day.

Once again, I feel left behind. As everyone around me begins to settle into relationships, marriage and babies, I’m still trying to figure out how to keep a relationship going more than one month.  This year Valentine’s Day feels like 24 hours created to remind me of everything that I want and don’t have when it comes to love. But then, I can’t help but remember that I actually use to love this day. And that wasn’t too long ago. Valentine’s Day especially in grade school was about celebrating my friends. I took that tradition into high school and even into my 20’s, regardless of whom I was dating, I got a big group together and we celebrated each other and the possibility of love. But now the idea of Valentine’s Day is filled with so much heavy expectation and false meaning that there’s just not any room for fun anymore. So in hopes of getting out of my love hating mood, I made a list of all the great things that come from love that are currently in my life. Just because I’m not in love doesn’t mean that I’m not surrounded by it every single and more importantly love and romance, although currently not present in my life, is far from dead.  So in celebration of Saint Valentine I honor the following:

The love between my parents that has lasted over 35 years

The love and joy surrounding my best friend’s pregnancy

The abundance of blessings I have been given through my friendships throughout the years

My brother’s approaching wedding and his new family

And the gorgeous sunshine that Los Angeles is getting in the middle of February.

At the end of the day, in or out of love, I am still one lucky gal.

More Music Obsession

There's nothing to say...it speaks for itself.

Music Obsession

I've been finding some really great music lately. Anyone who knows me knows that music is just as important to me as writing. Here's the latest song that just makes me want to dance and smile.

He's Just Not That Into You - Dealing With The End Before The Beginning

Man, dating is not for the faint at heart. And as you get older it just seems to get a little more difficult staying open to new situations. In the short time of just a month, I have dealt with the fear and anxiety from two different men when facing the possibility of a new relationship. I use to think those that were able to be single and stand strong alone through life as the resilient ones but now it becomes apparent those that are able to walk through the hurt, the fear, and the risk to actually share their life with someone else are the strong ones.

I remember reading He’s Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo in my twenties and feeling like I finally found the answer to all my dating problems. Finally all of the hours spent with my friends trying to figure out what was going through his head could easily be answered with a simple yet extremely expressive phrase. It was liberating and powerful, allowing me to finally have some ownership in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, with maturity, I’ve come to realize, that maybe the end of a relationship is not always that simple.

Men are put at a disadvantage when dealing with emotion. As women we have been allowed ever since we were little girls to be afraid and have someone come and let us know that everything would be okay. Were able to voice disappointment. Cry when things don’t go our way and spend hours on the phone with our girlfriends to talk through whatever is bothering us. Although the process can be compulsive and indulgent we’re given the opportunity to work through our emotions over and over again when men are often required to suck it up and keep it moving. The only problem is so often none of what they are really dealing with gets resolved and just sits there affecting them year after year. And as a woman, when it comes to dating, every so often I interact with a man still unconsciously dealing with what happened way back when. When that happens his inconsistencies and hesitations have much more to do with occurrences and experiences that really have nothing to do with me than the phrase, he’s just not that into you. Sometimes, he is so into you he’s not willing to let go, or so into you he’s scared to even consider being once again in a serious relationship.

These gray areas that arrive when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t mean the finality of some situations can not be explained away with “he’s just not that into you”. After being in an enough failed attempts with men it becomes much easier to separate the grays from the black and whites. But the resolution of personal issues of trust and fear really can’t be resolved through another person. It’s a personal affair no matter how understanding the other person can be. When it comes to men, the choice to deal with personal baggage often has nothing to do with the woman and has everything to do with timing.

As much as He’s Just Not That Into You and He’s So Into You But can be so different, they are so similar in the most important account. In either situation, you got to let him go and be willing to hold out for the person willing to walk down the path beside you regardless of what happened today, yesterday or even what could possibly happen tomorrow.  

Married Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring - What Does It REALLY mean?

The greatest thing about being a writer is the ability to create characters that can literally do anything as long as it’s justified in truth. A mother can suddenly decide to blow up her house as long as you build a strong empathetic reason to why. Currently I’m writing a web series on relationships and my lead character is a loyal husband who not only adores his wife but also has never struggled with the idea of monogamy. Of course he’s fantasized about other women but being with his wife and only her for the rest of his life is a thought he is more than confortable with.  When his wife brings up the idea of having an open marriage, he follows her lead with hesitation and caution. But as I began to write scenes with him at a bar getting accustomed to the idea of looking as well as touching, what do I do with that wedding ring? Would a woman welcome advances from a man wearing a wedding ring? Would a man, who isn’t extremely excited about an open marriage but willing to try, be actually ready to take off his wedding ring? And more importantly, does he have to wear a wedding ring at all?

There is a poetic moment in Blue Valentine that continues to haunt me. After Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s characters get into a huge fight at her job that ends with her getting fired and her co workers calling the police, together they get into their car and drive away. Ryan throws his wedding ring out of the window. Almost as the same time, he realizes what he did and jumps out of the car and desperately searching for the ring. Even though she hates him and just got done screaming how much she wants a divorce, she gets out of the car too and searches for the ring with him. Broken and falling out of the love, both are unable to let go of what the ring truly means for them.

In my twenties, I always saw the presence of a wedding ring on a man as the true indication of commitment and fidelity. But now after meeting plenty of men who happily wear their wedding ring and still sleep with as many women as possible, I realize that the ring really isn’t a sign of monogamy. And not necessarily true for the opposite. The absence of a wedding ring doesn’t always equal lack of commitment or adultery.

I remember a conversation I had at a 4^th of July BBQ. A friend of mine who was getting married brought up the fact that her fiancé wasn’t really interested in wearing a ring. My other friend’s boyfriend, who actually works in jewelry, even discussed his dislike of wearing jewelry on his hands. Strangely enough, after talking to other couples at the party I realized some of the men who I believed to be the most faithful and the more committed never wore their wedding ring for several of reasons. And then the clincher- my own father doesn’t wear a wedding ring and hasn’t worn one for years.

So now I wonder, what does the wedding ring mean in the first place? When you are dealing with a piece of jewelry that can come off and on, why does it hold so much power when it comes to reality of a relationship? The symbolism of the wedding ring was originally just supposed to be worn by the woman, to symbolize she was already chosen. The exchange of rings between a man and a woman did not become popular until the 20^th century. The circle, the shape of the ring, is the symbol for eternity but as we know, marriage these days has nothing to do with the idea of forever or propriety.

So now, I consider having the character I created, a loving and loyal husband, to be a man who never wears his ring symbolizing that the true commitment to a marriage is beyond what a man or a woman does with their ring finger. Essentially love is not about what you say, but more about what you do, right? 

Check out an interesting article in New York Magazine on The Naked Finger