PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now.  She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is.  Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search?  If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs.  “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

 In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.  

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them.  I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time. 

SYNCHRONICITY - Being At The Right Place At The Right Time

Synchronicity- the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner.

When a tumultuous relationship ended, I made a promise to myself that before the next man was given full access to my life, I was going to be positive that he deserved every once of it. I dived into my work, focused on my health, and allowed my dating life to figure itself out.

For months, it was purposely all about me. Many friends thought I was odd and maybe a little harsh but then one night when I wasn’t looking, things changed. I went to one of my usual bars with my best friend when a drunken woman literally grabbed me out of the crowd and yelled “Oh my god, You’d be perfect for my friend!” I looked to the side of her expecting to find some equally drunk man but a short blond girl stood there instead. Sensing my annoyance and confusion, she told me the friend in question wasn’t there but I would “love” him anyway. Again, this woman didn’t know my name or even if I was single but the confidence she sipped on gave her miraculous insight into my love life. She gave me her email address and told me if I were interested she would set it up.

I remember going home actually really mad. I felt like this is exactly why I have no interest in dating. Of course I would be the one to get approached by a drunken women trying to set me up with their obviously helpless and extremely needy best friend. But later that night, I couldn’t sleep and actually emailed her.  In my head, I already knew exactly what was going to happen, he was going to be nothing like someone I would be interested in but the experience could give me something to write about.

I remember the day of the blind date; I passed his picture to all of my co-workers in desperate need of finding someone to agree with me, he looked like we would have nothing in common and I should just cancel. But … I couldn’t find one person. All agreed he was actually good looking and I had no idea what could happen next. And unfortunately… every one was right but me. We actually hit it off and later that night I sat in my bed in a daze … I had just met someone special.

Immediately after meeting each other were seeing each other almost every day. There was not only an instant connection but more importantly an instinctive comfort level that made getting to know each other effortless. Later, when a good friend of his came into town, we learned that our connection was oddly even deeper. Not only had my new boyfriend’s aunt once worked for my father but during that time when I was a 10 years old, I had become close with his cousin and had tons of pictures of the two of us as kids. His aunt used to pick him up after school and actually take him to my father’s office. As his aunt tells it, we met numerous times as children and she has pictures of the two of us at birthday parties. As our relationship progressed we discovered more odd connections of our past with other family members and friends. Here we were, connected for years but brought together by what we assumed was an indiscretion of a drunken friend.

After a year, the relationship feel apart and we moved on. Every once in awhile when I am unsure about where I am going and when will what I currently going through finally make sense, I look back at this relationship and remind myself, things always work out as they are suppose to. It’s obvious for more ways than one that we were both meant to experience that relationship. Not only did I grow tremendously but I can pinpoint other hardships and periods of growth that led me to that specific experience. When I think of the string of random moments that lead to me that one place and time, I remind myself, even without the answers, everything in my life is evolving exactly the way it is intended.

Although extremely cliché, I believe love is not a destination but a journey (I know, how cheesy can I get). I think in life we get so caught up in the notion of that “one fine day” when life will all come together but I’m not sure if that moment exists. I think we have many moments. Many reminders that we are on the right path. Many soul mates that enter our lives, push us to be greater and leave footprints on our hearts. Love, good and bad, is truly about the exploration of who we are and who we shall become. It’s not a status symbol or about the false guarantee we will at least never be alone. It’s through the pairing and exploration of life with another being we learn extensively about ourselves. That is why we must love once and then love again and again because without it we can become stagnant, unaltered and unlived. Through love we have the opportunity of becoming the person we always knew was there.

SHIFT HAPPENS - NEW PERSPECTIVES IN THE NEW YEAR

Somehow, somewhere in the later part of 2010 I experienced a shift. Not sure what caused the changed but I feel like I entered 2011 completely different from the person I was for the majority of 2010.  After months of feeling left behind as close girlfriends started to have children and disappear into serious relationships, I started to explore why dating felt like a chore when it was so easy and effortless in my 20’s. I was only worried about if he was cute, does he make me laugh, and could his friends hang with mine. Now in my 30’s, I found myself going through a long list of questions and assumptions before even considering meeting a man for coffee. Dating in my 20’s was about the experience when somehow dating in my 30’s had become all about could I marry him. But the most important question I couldn’t answer was…

WHEN DID DATING BECOME SO DAMN SERIOUS?

Ladies, somehow between 28 and 31, we lost our ability to have fun. Marriage and children became this flashing neon sign following us wherever we go. Somehow marriage and children becomes the only gateway to happiness that without them, life is put on pause. Why do we do this to ourselves? We bind ourselves to these deadlines and stages of life that really at the end of the day are not as important as we make them.  Somewhere around September it became so clear to me… No wonder dating was a struggle! Who would want to date someone who was constantly on edge. My high beams were on- in desperate need for someone or something to prove my life was valuable. The only way to describe it is, I was miserable! So miserable that honestly, I wasn’t even aware of it. I was so caught up in what was “missing from my life” that I couldn’t even see how I was or could be apart of “the problem”.

Dating was easy in my 20’s because I never approached it from a place of lack, want, or need. I didn’t carry a list of who “HE” should be or judgment about what my age meant for me then or the very daunting future. Then, the future was this thing I probably should have been worried about it was too far away to really be concerned with it. It was coming regardless if I planned for it right? Somehow when I crossed over to 30, the future became this encompassing force looming over my head blocking any possible light. It was such a constant thought that I had no room for what was really going on in my life that I missed multiple opportunities to be in control of what I was experiencing.

I got sick and tired of being…sick and tired. I set out to find that fun girl of my 20’s who just wanted to have a great time. I started to seek the freedom that I once had when everything was possible.

Lately I have been living outside of those walls that I quickly built in the short years after 30. I started to pursue men that I usually wouldn’t. I now flirt with the assumption of attraction and interest instead of sitting and waiting for him to come talk to me. I haven’t been concerned with my age, the future, or why and when.  The greatest part of it all is, not only am I beginning to date more then I have in years, but I am also dating some really great men. By giving up the constant worry and frustration, I have become more of the fun loving and confident girl that I have really always been.

I’m really excited about 2011. I feel like I’ve come into a new sense of ownership and authority that I oddly could not get to without the carelessness of my 20’s and the harsh focus of my early 30’s.  This year is going to be great because I know I can have all that I want because nothing is missing! I already…we already… have it all.  

UNTIL NEXT YEAR

This time of year for me is always extremely reflective. First it is thanksgiving, then my birthday, Christmas then New Years. It’s a lot and always at this time in in constant thought about what does this year mean for me and where I am going in the upcoming year. In some ways, tons of writing material is floating in my head but unfortunately it doesn't materialize that clearly. Over the past week, I’ve started to blog but then stop myself unclear about what I really want to say.  All this to say… I NEED A BREAK. Not the type of break where life is overwhelming and you have too much on your plate. It’s probably the opposite for me. I need some silence and clarity in forming where and who I am in 2011.

I think we are conditioned to “do” something. Conditioned to “fix” our lives when sometimes we just need to be.

So… I am being. Turning over the lights at Until I Get To You to make a clear distinction and focus with my blog in the year 2011.

I wish everyone a beautiful holiday and the same sense of reflection and regrouping into the new year.

See you on the other side!

With Love,

AM 

WHEN DID GAY BECOME A BAD WORD?

The Muse’s are opinionated folks. As much as I want to take credit for my wit and persistent self-assurance I’ve inherited it. So you can imagine what family dinners might be like at my house. Of course Thanksgiving continued the family tradition of heated political debates and social commentary when one of my family members, who is engaged to a woman with a young boy, mentioned that the word “gay” is not allowed to be said when the kid is around. Of course the mention of such blatant prejudice sent me brewing. Maybe I am an extreme leftist, but in my world,  gay is simply an adjective sometimes used to describe the homosexual community. It doesn’t connote judgment and is a word often used in magazines, news reports, and even in the freakin dictionary. So to not use a word that a child is easily going to hear and use in his everyday life is a disservice to his intelligence and social development. And more importantly, wouldn’t you want to teach your child the meaning of a word that he can easily pick up from someone else and develop his own definition?

Of course my lecture then got deeper as my family member mentioned that the men in the family use the word “mo” short for “homo” when they are in the presence of a gay person when the child is around. They often interchange the word “funny” as in “we have a “funny” uncle. That just set me off. I was no longer going to be nice.  The use of the words “mo” and “funny”  are not only extremely prejudice and immoral but are even more damaging then the word gay. The belief and ideology behind both words are exactly what breeds homophobia as well as the incessant bullying and self-loathing of gay teens that is deeply affecting our country today.

My family member now upset that I would challenge his fiancé’s decision in raising her own child shouted that as a single woman without any children, I had no right to discuss someone else’s choice is raising their own child. Of course how a person decides to raise their child is their choice but I unfortunately am still entitled to my opinion.

People with children use the fact that someone doesn’t have a child as an argument against opinion and judgment. But the truth is the ability to have a child does not immediately make anyone an expert of child rearing while not having a child does not negate validity of belief. Just because I don’t have a child does not mean that I wouldn’t and can’t make decisions about raising one. Sure, someone with a child knows more about raising children that I do but my lack of being a mother doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t be a good mother.

My mother, an elementary school principal, playing devil’s advocate added that she has a difficult time with the word also. The district doesn’t allow her to teach students what gay means in retrospect to homosexuality because many parents believe the school shouldn’t teaching children about sexuality.  But homosexuality exists. Just like heterosexuality does.  Not teaching the word does not allow people to ignore the fact that people are born everyday liking and loving those of the same sex. Not teaching a child the word gay can’t and won’t erase homosexuality. If children can learn what a male or female is, what marriage is, why can’t they simply know what gay means?

At the end, we agreed to just disagree and after much debating I allowed my opinion to be just that - an opinion. But the discussion still bothers me. Homosexuality has become more accepted then ever before but we are still afraid of children knowing what loving someone of the same sex means. Can someone help me. What exactly is in the fear of a child knowing what gay means? My liberal single childless mind just doesn’t understand. 

"DON'T BE 45 HEARTBROKEN AND CHILDLESS" - and other assumptions about a single black woman

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

I stared at the email. What started as an email correspondence wishing me happy birthday, became an unintentional attack on my life and my priorities.

A friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to often but have known for years, sent me a very sweet Happy Birthday email. As we corresponded back and forth he excitedly sent me a picture of his newborn niece. Knowing that having children in on his mind I joked that the next child born should be his. He then jokingly suggested we have a kid together. Everything was fun and games until I mentioned that I was not ready for kids anytime soon and then he hit me with:

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

Whoa… back up buddy! What does not being ready for children today have to do with what my life is going to be like in 13 years from now? Just because I am not ready now doesn’t mean I can’t and wont be ready tomorrow. For me, having children equals being in a relationship and finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A decision that takes thought and preparation. If I decide I don’t want to be a mother, I have every opportunity to be childless, happy, and in love.

 I know too many women who fall into the trap of bad relationships simply to have kids. I don’t think they doubt having their children but if they had the opportunity to have the same children with a man more compatible for them they would.  I have witnessed women having children way too early then when they were ready because every ounce of their femininity equaled marriage and motherhood.  I know women who beat themselves up mentally and spiritually because they are physically unable to bear children and the truth is they are beautiful, feminine, and have every opportunity to have a beautiful life. But they can’t see that because since we’ve all been little girls holding baby dolls we’ve been told that without children we can’t fully become a woman.

I have stated before in an earlier post that having children with the right man was more important to me then having a child. Other women have different priorities and that is fine. It’s our life, our journey, and our opportunity to have exactly what we want. The scary thing about my friend’s email was the insinuation that having children correlates to insuring you are never alone. Granted, caretaking for another human being does insure someone will be there but shouldn’t someone want to be a mother? Shouldn’t the decision to give life to another human being be much more encompassing than just feeding their fear of being alone? And we all know having a man’s child does not guarantee that he will always be your partner. Ring or no ring. The decision to have a child should simply be about wanting to become a mother. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Having a child is a gift, a blessing, not a mandate. This level of thinking is what gets lots of women in trouble- having children before they are ready and stuck in relationships with the wrong man. I’m not interested in feeling trapped. More importantly, I am not interested in being anywhere other then where I am now. When I am ready to have children, I will have children and at 32 I got a couple more years before I need to freak out. If my want to be a mother shows up after my body is unable to do the work, then I can adopt, have a surrogate, or any other of the multiple options of today.

Especially when it comes to love and having children, I’m not sure if you have to “get ready”. When you are ready, it just happens. Or when you are ready, you make it happen. Both options have nothing to do with taking action with anxiety and fear. I don’t know, maybe I am just a naïve romantic but I don’t’ see being 45 heartbroken and childless in my future. If I am 45 without children and or not married, I don’t have to be heartbroken or miserable.  Finding someone has never been my issue but finding the right one is what my journey is all about. 

NO ONE SAID 32 WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

I woke up this morning to 32. I have to say I had no idea 32 years old would look like this.

Because my birthday is towards the end of the year, I often approach this day with self-reflection; where am I going? Where have I been? This year especially has been an interesting one. This time last year, I decided to venture out and work freelance. The previous two years, I was lucky enough to have a good run at my father’s advertising agency producing and writing commercials. When I started to in production, I ended up copywriting and wrote and produced two Honda Accord campaigns. I had actually begun to enjoy working in advertising in a way that I never thought was possible. I grew up in the industry but I’ve always have been stubborn and wanted my own dream, my own career as a screenwriter. But my time writing and producing commercials helped me realize that my work as a screenwriter was more viable then ever before. With my 10 year college anniversary approaching, a stack full of scripts behind me, and a number of agents/ managers who came and went, My dream was still so bright and encompassing that it often woke me out of my sleep. If I was going to continue, I had to approach my writing career differently.

For years, I had always been afraid of “what if it doesn’t happen”. My fear of failure allowed me to always put energy and effort into a Plan B. But in giving Plan B a life and possibility I was also saying my dream the opportunity to die. So as I ventured into 2010, I was going to put my writing first. I figured I would create my life and my career in the way that I saw it and hopefully those around me would begin to see me in the same light. If I am a writer, then I work as a writer, live as a writer which is completely different from seeking the approval and co sign of someone else.

This year has been extremely interesting because in some ways, I’ve achieved exactly what I set out to do. I wake up every morning to my computer and I write. I spend my days going in and out of my favorite coffee shops and the majority of the paychecks made this year was made writing. Creatively, I am the strongest I have ever been. My voice is clear and sharp. Finally I am no longer seeking to mimic what others did in their careers but have confidently become the authority of my own work.

But there is still so much more work to do. Money has been a struggle this year in a way it’s never been before and with my age, doubt and fear creep in and take hold with more vigor and intensity. But I still write... story telling is so deeply routed in my identity and an essential element of my sanity that I know I am not suppose to do anything else.

So on my 32nd birthday I am thankful for having the courage to step out and create the life that I have always wanted and pray for the patience and resilience to keep the dream visualized.

The one thing I have learned this year is we all have the power to have exactly what we want in life we just need the courage and work ethic make it come alive.