NO ONE SAID 32 WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

I woke up this morning to 32. I have to say I had no idea 32 years old would look like this.

Because my birthday is towards the end of the year, I often approach this day with self-reflection; where am I going? Where have I been? This year especially has been an interesting one. This time last year, I decided to venture out and work freelance. The previous two years, I was lucky enough to have a good run at my father’s advertising agency producing and writing commercials. When I started to in production, I ended up copywriting and wrote and produced two Honda Accord campaigns. I had actually begun to enjoy working in advertising in a way that I never thought was possible. I grew up in the industry but I’ve always have been stubborn and wanted my own dream, my own career as a screenwriter. But my time writing and producing commercials helped me realize that my work as a screenwriter was more viable then ever before. With my 10 year college anniversary approaching, a stack full of scripts behind me, and a number of agents/ managers who came and went, My dream was still so bright and encompassing that it often woke me out of my sleep. If I was going to continue, I had to approach my writing career differently.

For years, I had always been afraid of “what if it doesn’t happen”. My fear of failure allowed me to always put energy and effort into a Plan B. But in giving Plan B a life and possibility I was also saying my dream the opportunity to die. So as I ventured into 2010, I was going to put my writing first. I figured I would create my life and my career in the way that I saw it and hopefully those around me would begin to see me in the same light. If I am a writer, then I work as a writer, live as a writer which is completely different from seeking the approval and co sign of someone else.

This year has been extremely interesting because in some ways, I’ve achieved exactly what I set out to do. I wake up every morning to my computer and I write. I spend my days going in and out of my favorite coffee shops and the majority of the paychecks made this year was made writing. Creatively, I am the strongest I have ever been. My voice is clear and sharp. Finally I am no longer seeking to mimic what others did in their careers but have confidently become the authority of my own work.

But there is still so much more work to do. Money has been a struggle this year in a way it’s never been before and with my age, doubt and fear creep in and take hold with more vigor and intensity. But I still write... story telling is so deeply routed in my identity and an essential element of my sanity that I know I am not suppose to do anything else.

So on my 32nd birthday I am thankful for having the courage to step out and create the life that I have always wanted and pray for the patience and resilience to keep the dream visualized.

The one thing I have learned this year is we all have the power to have exactly what we want in life we just need the courage and work ethic make it come alive.

COMPUTER CRASH - A WRITER'S NIGHTMARE OR DREAM?

 

Last Sunday night minutes away from finishing a commercial script, the intimidating spinning wheel popped up on my screen and never stopped spinning. My computer died. And I lost everything on it.

Not only everything that I had written for that one project but literally everything that I have written in the last 10 years was gone. Of course backing up your work is easy these days but I was horrible at it and as much as my computer was old and I knew I was in need of a new one, I never prepared for the chance one day my computer could never work again.

As a writer, this is worst thing that can happen. Now, after the initial shock and fear, I sit in front of a brand new computer there is something oddly refreshing and exciting about starting over.

As a writer, so much of what I have previously imagined and written shapes what I want to write in the future. If I have already written a romantic comedy about best friends it’s time to try something different. But now without the reference of worlds and lives that I have previously created, I can do and write anything that I want to in a new way never fully expressed. I don’t have to worry about the script that I wrote that never was rewritten. I don’t have to linger over the TV pilot that I loved and no one else got. Right now I start from a completely new page one. The great thing about being a writer is that although I do not tangibly hold my previous work, anything that I now write is inherently touched with the knowledge and skill gained over the years. Without the looming pages of past work glaring at me and influencing a false sense of authority, I feel like I now walk with a new found freedom.

The one thing that drives me insane about screenwriters is that so often people believe the pursuit equals the skill. When people discuss the number of screenplays they have completed as if that alone deserves merit negates the skill and talent needed to write a beautifully written and original piece of work.  The truth is writing 300 scripts isn’t what makes you great – It is one that does the trick.  Not one script but “The One”.

As Malcolm Gladwell discusses in “Outliers” it’s the practice of creating story and rewriting that creates The One but it’s that one piece of work that stands out above the rest that carries not only the possibility of the next great step but also carries the blood sweat and tears of the thousands and pages before.

Early this year in a very emotional and real moment with my manager, he said to me “You’ve written good, but I haven’t seen great”. As much as it hurt, I couldn’t argue. But for any artist, great shows up without warning.  Great can happen tomorrow or it can happen in 20 years.

When I got the news that years of scripts, thoughts, documents, music, pictures, were gone forever I just went numb. And my father said, “It’s the same mind- same heart”.  And it’s true. I might not be physically able to hold or touch the years of a written work but they are still in the place that matters the most – my heart and soul.  Not sure if I got 10, 000 hours but I got something close. Therefore I move forward with ease and excitement to the making of me. 

ASSUMPTIONS - THE RELATIONSHIP KILLER

I love this moment between Oprah and Whoopi (starts at the 2:00 minute mark). After years of thinking each other was mad at the other they finally realize for 25 years they were fighting over nothing. You can see the truth of the moment when both women begin to cry. It's so real and so true. 

I can’t help but think of a similar moment I had with a good friend. We were going through a sticky time in our friendship and instead of really talking about it, months went by with the unspoken tension. She was in a new and very serious relationship and because of it our friendship did not have the same dynamic. We didn’t talk as frequently and more importantly, we didn’t see each other and hang out as much. I assumed the friendship wasn’t of importance to her anymore. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about it but in my head, our friendship in her life was simply different from what it used to be. She didn’t need to lean on her girlfriends the same way I did being single. In my mind, the only action that needed to be taken was for me to restructure my life and my friendships. I started to pull away and mentally placed her as one of my good friends then one of my best friends. But after a couple months of this she was the bigger person and approached me to talk about our unspoken issues.

At the time I really didn’t want to talk about it because the wall was already placed. No need to discuss something that wasn’t going to change. But I was wrong. What I assumed and allowed myself to believe was so far from the truth. She wanted and needed the friendship just as much as I did. Her new relationship could not at all replace the need for true real friendship and because I was pulling away she assumed that I wasn’t interested in fixing the friendship and willing to walk away. Without that conversation I would have continued harboring my own assumption about her life, as she would have about mine. In 20 minutes of the truth, our friendship was back on track.

Whoopi and Oprah went on for 25 years without someone saying  “Can we talk?” I can’t help but think of how many relationships we have ruined by the story we have decided to believe in our heads. Especially in love relationships. I know I am guilty of reacting to a man’s actions based on what I think it means. He hasn’t called; he’s obviously dating someone else.  He’s too quiet; he must be upset about something he’s not saying…and so on and so on.  Like the previous post, we as people are so afraid of the truth that we have ruined friendships, marriages, and even family dynamics simply by not saying a word.

Let’s talk to each other, even if the truth might hurt, its more assuring to know what is really going on and know how to deal with it.

Life is too precious and way too short. 

HOW MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

Every girl needs a good guy best friend. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few. As far as I am concerned, men and women can truly be just friends. Some of my closest and longest friendships have been with men. With one of my guy friends our love lives tend to parallel each other. When he is confused and in a messy relationship so am I. Going through a hard heartbreak? We’ve done it together. Now both of us are single with the intent on making the next move with ease and caution. Of course as male and female, we often approach the same situation completely different.

My good friend, let’s call him Mr. X, had started dating someone new. He was into her from day one. As one of his best friends, I questioned what was going to happen next because he literally met her days after breaking up with an ex. I’ve never been able to successfully move into the next situation while thinking of the last but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I know plenty of people who have. Plus, this time she wasn’t an obvious rebound. She sounded great; a woman with a great job, a full group of friends, smart, and intellectual. She sounded like someone I would have been happy for him to end up with.

Nearly a month in, things were going great. Dinners, breakfasts, running errands, making plans for the future...then the ex called. It was just a simple phone call. No decision of getting back together but the brief encounter completely switched his outlook on the new situation. Within days he wasn’t excited to hang out with the new girl and started to pull away. Everything that was so great about her began to die. He still thought highly of her and he couldn’t verbalize why things were different but he began to wonder was he really ready to jump into something serious so soon? Of course he couldn’t see this but the simple meet up with his ex shook him up enough for him to question if he was ready to do it all over again. Here he was with a great girl and too scared to entertain while the drunk young bartender where we were at was much more appetizing. He was just beginning to deal with the questions he should have asked himself on day 1 not day 42. 

So the perfect and most logical move for him was to disappear. From that moment on he wasn’t going to call and not return her phone calls hoping over time she would just get the picture. He spoke of his plan as if he was the simplest decision that anyone else would make. My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I saw the clear manifestation of differences between men and women. Where I thought of the emotional implications and what this meant for him and her, he was looking for the easy way out. There I was literally seeing the other side of a moment that I had been once apart of.  As much as I have given the advice to a confused friend that what ever happened between her and the man that decided to disappear had nothing to do with her, it was more of a general statement without really knowing if it did or not. And when I have been in the situation myself I never understood how I could interact with someone and their decision to not engage could really have nothing to do with me. But I stood there listening to Mr. X’s ridiculous assessment and it all became crystal clear: It’s true, SOMETIMES IT REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Seeing myself in this girl’s shoes I convinced him to tell her the truth, he fucked up and started a relationship he couldn’t finish. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if the truth was never an option. How could he admit to possibly being emotionally messed up?  But as much as it might hurt her at the moment, it saves weeks or even months of agony wondering what happened.  Every girl has been there; replaying every moment, every phone call trying to piece together what happened when all disasters could have been avoided with just 5 minutes of the truth.

I remember being in a similar situation with a guy that seemed to be going really well and then it was not. It was as if I could smell his ex girlfriend around him. So in our next conversation I asked him if he was getting back together with her and let him know that I was completely ok with it. Silence on the other end and then he said, “You are the coolest girl in the world”. The thing is, no sane woman wants what someone else has or more importantly, wants someone who doesn’t want her. It’s the ambiguity that makes relationships a lot more complicated then necessary. And like clock work in the middle of my lecture, the new girl emailed him questioning if something had happened between them that she wasn’t aware of. It was right there, sitting in his hands, the opportunity to tell the truth instead of hiding and hoping time will take care of the situation for him.

That moment was the perfect reason why men and women should and can be friends. We both learned something about the opposite sex that we couldn’t learn from the person we are romantically linked to. As I learned, sometimes with men not all things should be taken personally, while he learned women are more resilient then one would assume. Especially when treated with respect.

As our friendship has suffered in the past when we were in serious relationships we made a promise to always make time for us. Because this “us” was just as special and needed for the balance in our other relationship. You can always use someone to bounce off thoughts with especially someone who’s not from the same mindset. With a best girlfriend sometimes you can convince each other driving off a cliff is the best thing to do but with a good guy friend you might see an escape route missed. 

BLACK GIRLS ROCK!

 I know a lot of folks posted this yesterday but I couldn't resist. I've watched this over and over again and it just gives me goose bumps! Performances like this make me soo proud, soo happy to be a black woman.

No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”.  Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.  

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.

Can An Open Marriage Save A Relationship?

I'm kind of obsessed with open marriages. Not sure why but the idea intrigues me. Currently, I am writing about a couple that explores an open marriage so it's literally on my mind all the time. The idea of monogamy is a little tricky for me. I like the concept, believe in the commitment, and want someone who is willing to try it with me. On the other hand, Do I believe love is ruined or tainted by having sex with another person? Not at all. I've seen it too many times with men who love the crap about of their wives/girlfriends and the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't taint that feeling for them. Fair? Probably not... but it's real.

The truth is what we have placed together as a traditional marriage isn't necessarily working. People expect to get married, never have attraction towards another and more importantly, start to live a completely different life then they did when they were dating or single. I think the idea of propriety tends to ruin relationships. Often when people get married and have been married for a couple years, they stop trying. The ring on the finger solicits a sense of comfort that is first enticing but often becomes stale and typical. Therefore the idea of still needing to entice your partner feels like a positive aspect of an open marriage. But the real question is can everyone really separate love and sex? All these questions are swirling around in my head as I patch together the life of these two people and the information on the Internet is endless.

Today I found this: A blog originally started by a couple in a happy and fulfilled open marriage that ended in less then a year with a divorce. Then it got me thinking... is the need for the open marriage, the comfortablity, the boredom the real true sign of a failing relationship?

Love to get your thoughts.

"My Best Friend Is Making A Mistake With The Wrong Man, What Do I Do?"

Over twitter a woman asked what do you do when you know a friend is making a terrible mistake. In her case, her friend is moving in with her boyfriend that many suspect is gay. Her friend’s concern is she is committing to a relationship that will never work out but she feared saying anything would make her friend upset. I think women are in the predictiment all the time. Not necessarily with the gay boyfriend but what do you do when you see your friend making a mistake with the wrong man?

When most women think it’s best to keep your mouth closed and be there for your friend when they fall, I think it’s best to tell them how you feel. Now that doesn’t mean you should just come out there with “ I can’t stand your man, you deserve so much better” but when the opportunity arises, just ask her if she is sure about the relationship. Let her know you’ll always be there for her regardless of her situation and if she’s truly happy you’ll support her 100%. I think a lot of times we are in denial and we just need to confirmation from someone else to see the truth. Sure, your friend could be upset, but I think it’s a greater gift to know that your friend will always tell you the truth. 

It’s true, most of the time we need to make our own mistakes. Someone telling you what you need to do is completely different from making the decision on your own. But I think there is away to tell your friend what you think while allowing her the freedom and space to do what she wants to do.

But more importantly, the real question is, do you just don’t like him or is he really bad for her?  I think we have to distinguish not liking our friend’s boyfriend from our girlfriend’s happiness. Just because we can’t stand him doesn’t mean she’s not happy or in a bad relationship. Our opinions are just that, opinions. At the end of the day we might be close friends but that doesn’t mean we have the same taste when it comes to men. If you are able to determine your discomfort with her man to really being about her well being, then I think you have to tell her in the most supportive way. She might be mad but she will always know you are looking out for what’s best for her.

What do you think? Keep your mouth closed or tell your girl how you feel?