"What The Hell Is A Soul Mate Anyway"? Soul Mates Vs Life Partners-What Are We Really Looking For?

I have an ex boyfriend that shows up literally every time his name is mentioned. We don’t live in the same city or even really speak often but when his name comes up in conversation I know we’re going to run into each other. I haven’t seen him in years and he came up in conversation the other day and sure enough a half an hour later, there he was walking across the street. Used to this funny way of meeting, we shared a laugh, a knowing smile and continued on with our lives.

This interaction couldn’t help but get me thinking about soul mates. There is no denying, my ex and I are connected in a powerful way. A connection that is no doubt specific to only him and I. But that connection doesn’t translate to being the best partner for me. Our relationship was a mess and forever will be. It broke us down and made each of us miserable. I love him, will continue to love him, but I have no interest in being with him.

I believe our soul mates are people that we intrinsically know on a spiritual level -an intense attraction and emotion that is beyond explanation or logic. As Wayne Dyer says "Your soul mate is the person you can't stand". His idea is that soul mates are the people who cause the most challenges for us. The ones we can't ignore and learn the most personal lessons from. If that's the case, I've been lucky enough to have a couple soul mates in my life. 

The interesting idea about this concept is that soul mates don't necessarily translate to the person we should or can spend the rest of our lives with. The connection and experience caused by a soul mate is so deep and life changing it’s not meant to last more then a specific point in time.  Soul mates come as best friends, lovers, and sometimes strangers on the street (I had a conversation with a man in Paris that was unbelievable) but the person you spend your life with should be the person who shows up as constant and steady, right?

I think of it like clothes: You are more inclined to wear a simple pair of blue jeans over and over again then the diamond studded leather pants right? You love those leather pants but they sit in your closet more often then the desire to put them on. Now the jeans- they not only go with everything, ca be worn any season, but they also have this magical ability to fit you regardless of what kind of shape you are in. So essentially we all need to find that perfect pair of jeans.

The hard part is that pair of jeans has to really fit. I mean really fit.  In real life I hate shopping for jeans because even though the size might say they fit but that doesn’t always reflect what they are going to look on me. Even within the same brand, sometimes two different pairs of the same size look completely different. So it’s always a long process and I have to try a whole bunch of pairs to find the ones that feel like they were made just for me.

In relationships, I guess it’s the same thing. Not only does the guy have to fit but he has to have something special going on so that I don’t get bored. Ahh…. My Achilles heel- passion, adventure, spontaneity- the qualities that I love in a man in the beginning but hate months later. But if I consider Dr. Wayne Dyer's thought its in these moments of frustration and being uncomfortable that life is all about! 

This point in my life I straddle between looking for that immense fire that stops me in my tracks or do I look for the cool slow burn that has the ability last a lifetime?

I do have to say that’s the great part about dating. The more jeans that I try on, the more I understand what I am looking for in the right fit.  

LOVE LESSONS FROM KIM KARDASHIAN

I’ve had my crazy moments like any girl. Honestly, I might have a couple more then the average but my point is… I definitely can comment when a woman has made the same mistake.

Sunday night on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian put Reggie Bush on blast by not only playing their phone conversation in front of her friends and family but she played it for the whole world. Reggie pleaded with her about getting back together and seeing her with a new dude in the media was “driving him crazy”. I don’t know why I am surprised when she came to be a celebrity by a sex tape but airing the conversation was just not classy!

I’m sure she thought she was going to show him, let everyone know how much he wanted to get back with her but really she played herself in the end. Not only should every man she dates be terrified of all his business being on TV but the only way to really show someone how much you still obviously care is to dedicate a whole episode about moving on when it’s really still about him. She left nothing up to the imagination. If Reggie had any question about how much she really liked the guy she was dating, now he knows the whole time she was still thinking about him.

One thing that I have learned over and over again in break ups (but can’t seem to remember when I am going through them) is at the end they all come down to positions of power. Who is happier? Who is moving on quicker? No one likes to admit it but when a relationship ends it’s all about ego. If you have the opportunity to question what they are doing without you. The ego gets bruised and you start to wonder, was I ever special to them? If Reggie Bush had any real questions about if Kim really did like this Miles guy now he knows her dating an athlete was not about getting over him but purely about getting back at him.

Ladies, Ladies… When it comes to relationships- and especially break ups - we can’t lay out all our cards! The best revenge is silence. The best signal of moving on is indifference. I don’t know Reggie or Kim but what I do know is in this business the only way to stay sane is to keep your close and personal relationships sacred. The more you put on blast, the more you need to run for cover. 

IS THERE ANY GETTING OVER KRYPTONITE?

He argues the importance of love in our society. He obsesses over the possible life story of the homeless guy near the freeway entrance and wonders how and if they are really any different. He quits his job without having any idea what he is going to do next, stays up all night writing his book/novel/poem/painting while praying to God he is living to his full potential.

He’s the artist. In every sense of the word. From head to toe, he’s passionate, spontaneous, and unpredictable.  My kryptonite. I’ve encountered this man-short, tall, skinny, and big – regardless of what he looks like, I’m smitten within the first encounter and there’s no reeling back. Cut from the same cloth, he understands my own obsession and inspires me to work and live harder.  But in all cases, we both love hard which only perpetuates a much harder fall. Getting myself back together after dealing with Mr. Artist is never an easy or quick process. Its brutal, down right life changing but through the pain, I always emerge as a stronger, more complete person. In some ways, the personal growth is an added blessing for dealing with the Artist Man.

This time, I want to try things different. Try the stable man. The guy with a job and a career, and that’s enough for him. As long as the bills are paid, he’s good and any bigger questions can be left for others to figure out. He’s settled. Where he is now is where we want to be and if it never changes, he’s fine. The monotony and expectation that comes with the stable man at one time sounded boring but now feels comforting and alluring. BUT the problem is when I encounter him; I’m always looking for more. I want to go out when he wants to stay home. I’m looking to debate the social undertones of Fraggle Rock when he just wants to watch and relive his childhood.

How much of the excitement and romanticism really matters when looking for a life partner?  How much entertainment is needed in relation to loyalty and steadiness?

Maybe over time the insatiable taste of The Artist will fade away. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and I’ll find the perfect mix of Mr. Stable and The Artist that makes sense for me. Does he exist?

In the meantime, I try to date from a clean slate not letting too much of my past color my future. Even when a whole lot of color seems to serve me well.

CAN WE CONTROL WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?

How many of you know of a guy that decided “the next woman I’m with is my wife” or a girl that said “by this time next year I will be engaged” and they got it?  The idea behind those proclamations is being in control. Setting out an intention and allowing the universe to bring it to you. I am willing to play this game with my career and actually have played this game with love before and guess what, most of the time I get it but when it comes to love, how much do I want to be in control?

I think that is the root to my aversion to online dating. I feel like I am too much in control of whom I date and what I like. So much of what I like changes from year to year based on the experiences of previous choices. So much of what I liked at 25 is not apart of the equation now.  Especially when it comes to love, being in control might not be the best thing simply because most of the time what I want isn’t necessarily what I need.  As much as I complain about being single as the next girl, I know that God, the Universe, or whatever higher being you believe in, knows more about my journey then I do.

Right now I am online dating again and kicking and screaming throughout the whole experience. Truthfully it’s the only sure way I meet and able to experience different men. As much as that is a plus, I still grapple with how much control I have. So many people give me the stories of their friends that went online and got married not too long after. I have those same stories in my own circles. They set out to find someone and mission accomplished. There is no arguing, if you are looking to find someone, the best place to find them in online… but I don’t know if I am looking to find just someone.

But on the other hand, finding companionship is not always about finding the best fit. Maybe this idea of romantic love is just something that doesn’t truly exist. At least not in the realm that we believe in. Sure, romantic love is possible but it might not come 6’5 with a MFA and a Mercedes.

 As we all know, marriage was never about love. It was about procreating and having someone to take care of our daughters. Maybe I need to realize being in control of my love life is probably the best and sure way of achieving the goal of being married and having children. But as time goes by… I don’t know how much I am attached to those ideals anymore.

Whenever I am facing what I believe to be a bad situation, I always take a set back, give myself a moment of silence and look at the situation from a different perspective. What am I not looking at? In those situations I can easily change something that I hate to do to something that I would love to do. Simply by looking at it from a different angle. Essentially, we can do the same with love. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be in full control of my love life and stop seeing it as such a bad deal. We can control what makes us mad or what makes us laugh, therefore we can control who and when to fall in love.

Thanks to online dating, I have a date tonight. Who knows…maybe its time to take the lead and fall.  

COMPROMISE - A Bad Word In Relationships?

A friend of mine wanted to hook me up with an accountant. He’s 5’9, wears a suit the majority of time, enjoys staying at home then going out, and doesn’t listen to anything other then jazz music. I took a pass on the date. She thought I was crazy because I had no idea if we were a match or not. But the truth is, I’ve dated lots of men and the older I get… I know what works. When did knowing what I want become a crime?

I love Eartha Kitt’s response in this video. She’s a little crazy but she definitely knows what she wants. And getting it is not an option. But that word Compromise… how important is it when it comes to relationships? Do we all need it to some degree?

I struggle with the notion of compromise in both my relationships and career. When or do you ever get to a point when you realize maybe what I am fighting for just doesn’t exist?  One of the greatest gifts of being multiple relationships is getting the chance to really define what you want and what works for you. And as I get older, I become more clear of what type of man and relationship matches the lifestyle that I want BUT… I am also very clear about what I don’t want. So in the area of Mr. Accountant, I know most men with stable and rational careers just think I am crazy. My instability when it comes to time and money is uncomfortable for them as well as my constant expression of emotions. Plus I know I need to be out and social and I really would love if I could share that with my partner.  I’m not interested in dating men shorter then me, men who don’t have an affinity for the arts, who are shy or socially awkward, and who don’t have the same morals and values as I have. So do I go out with this guy even though I know the probability of us liking each other is small? And if we do fall in love, which has happened before, with someone who is relatively different from me, how long will it really last before we drive the other crazy?

My favorite part of this video is when she says:

I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me.

There have been times in relationships where I have apologized for who I am. And we should never have to do that. When your self expression and self worth is being compromised, then that’s where compromise is never an option.

So maybe it’s not necessarily having standards, or a list of what he should look like or what he should believe in… but more importantly… does he love me for me? And if the answer is yes… why does anything else matter? 

WE'RE SINGLE TIL WE'RE MARRIED" - The one comment that always seems to piss someone off.

He’s tall, charismatic, witty, and he’s own person. Whenever we see each other it’s like everyone else has left the room. At a crowded party, you’ll find us in the corner laughing. Over lunch, hours have gone by before we realize we’re late for the next appointment. In some ways he’s the perfect match for me… in one way he is not. Sure, when he mentioned he had a girlfriend I was disappointed but I enjoyed hanging out with him and continued to do so. We have a true friendship but it would be ignorant to ignore there is something a little more. It’s nothing romantic but there is a bond both of us have mentioned is special. A bond between two people that doesn’t happen often.

Because he has a girlfriend, others have mentioned that I should stop being his friend. Because there is a connection that is different then your standard platonic friendship, it’s been suggested I need to stop any possibility that could be a threat to his relationship. I don’t see it like that. I respect the fact that he is in a relationship and because of that, I don’t want our friendship to be anything more than it is right now but to the suggestion to stop building upon a connection that is special to me just because he has a girlfriend is invalid. Not an option.

See, a girlfriend to me isn’t forever. A girlfriend could be forever but it doesn’t have the finality that a wife does. When you commit to a person for “forever”, what you essentially do when you get married, I believe it’s your duty to not do anything that could pose a threat to that sacred bond. But being in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to me is saying, “let’s try this out and see if it works”. In many ways, I see relationships as

 You’re Single Till You Are Married.

A lot of people are upset by this comment. This statement does not mean the commitment between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not valid. A promise is a promise, regardless of the form. But when you are in a committed relationship outside of marriage, I see it as you are off the market RIGHT NOW. Then off the market FOREVER.

Back to the relationship with my “friend”. I have no interest in “taking” him away from his girlfriend. Nor do I have an interest in building upon our friendship while he is in a relationship with another woman. I don’t believe in cheating and always thought if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are more likely to cheat on you. But I am not going to deny our deep connected friendship because of another connection he has with someone else. Especially when the two are completely different. The truth is I actually like his girlfriend. And I recognize how special she is to him. Their relationship is strong. So strong that I don’t see our friendship as a threat to their bond. Being a strong connection with another person isn’t something that happens everyday and I am not willing to let that go off of the chance of “maybe”. We’ll continue to be friends. Good Friends, until the situation is not longer beneficial to both of us. 

MY CLOCK AIN'T TICKING - Is something wrong with me?

A good friend of mine recently found herself in a serious relationship. 4 months in, they’re already discussing marriage and the time they would like to have children. Saturday night, at his birthday party she told me they were planning to  have kids in two years because “I’m not interested in having a toddler at 38”. Another friend of mine, 31 years old, the same age as I and the previous woman, is seriously considering freezing her eggs because “I don’t want to be 50, tired and chasing kids”. All around me, my single and in relationship friends are making decisions now about the possibility of having children later. There is this mad rush against the unknown future with the assumption that having children is only possible between a small window of time. That very valid “ticking clock” is affecting all these women but for some reason, it hasn’t gotten me yet. And I wonder… does that mean I don’t really want children?

I remember having a conversation with my old roommate where she suggested that having children was more important to her then being with the right man. It has always been clear for me that being with the right man was more important than having children. I’ve always dreamed about having lots of children. I have visions of having a huge thanksgiving table full of family and friends of multiple generations. I always wanted to experience the beauty of creating another human being and being responsible in shaping the person they become. When I was younger, I saw my 30’s as a place of completion and accomplishment. I envisioned being solid in my career, marriage and having small children but of course, that is not my current reality. But on the other side of that, I don’t doubt that I will have children and I don’t feel like I need to rush anything to have that reality apart of my life later. If for whatever reason, I’m not able to have biological children, adoption feels like a perfectly fine possibility for me. 

The problem is many of my friends see having children as the goal and getting married as a means to that end.  But I see finding the man to be that perfect father as well as the man to spend the rest of my life with as the ultimate goal and if children come apart of that scenario, then I am immensely blessed. I don’t know, maybe I am naïve, but I feel like I don’t need to rush to have children. I don’t see the age of 35 as this inevitable cut off. I know beautiful vibrant women in their late 40’s who have successful careers, wonderful husbands and children under 10 years old. Their lives are full and happy. As my friend was worried about having  young children in her 50’s, there is nothing “old” or “tired” about these women I know. They are sexy and in great shape with the maturity and experience to tackle the issues in their lives with ease and sophistication. To me, that seems like a more comfortable situation then possibly being in late 30’s in a horrible marriage, or single, still figuring out my career with a couple young children demanding my full attention and care.

I am not at all suggesting my girlfriends are going to end up unhappy or in the wrong relationships, I just wonder if my passé approach regarding children questions how much I really want them. I see having children as a gift - a more powerful way to give back the blessing of life that was given to me. Having children will make my life more rich and vibrant but it is a blessing- not a guarantee. Plus if for whatever reason it does not happen as I would like, I do not see not having children as an attack to my femininity or make me any less of a woman then those that can.

 One of the things I have learned from being a babysitter is the possibility of having an impact on child’s life without being their biological mother. I have had the ability to be nurturing, giving, and build influential relationships with children that are not biologically mine. Therefore, I  continue to dream about having children (3 to 4 to be exact) but that will happen whenever the time is right. No rush… for whatever reason I believe I got time. 

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”.  Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary.  I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing.  Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off.  It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on. 

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on!  For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor. 

ONE REASON TO NEVER READ MADAME NOIRE MAGAZINE AGAIN

Why does he have to look at sad and pathetic in the back? 

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “How To Date A White Guy”. I purposely choose a title that would catch people’s attention but for those who actually read it they know the piece was not about selecting white men over black men but more about letting go past assumptions that limited my opportunities when it comes to dating. I’m a black woman in my 30’s who wants to be married with kids one day. If I am black, white, purple, or even magenta, limiting my options is not a smart thing especially when it comes to love.

Tonight I read “8 Reason to Date A White Man”  at Madamenoire.com and was disgusted. It is full of assumptions and stereotypical reasons to dating a “white man” that has nothing to do with love or compatibility. I am a single black woman and believe that black women and everyone else on the goddamn planet cannot construct rules when it comes to finding an ideal partner. Come on, aren’t we over that crap by now? Yes. Culture is alive and well. Culture differences should be celebrated and never ignored. There are multiple inherent cultural similarities with a black man that I most likely will not have with a white man but why should I allow those differences to limit my possibilities when it comes to love? Especially in a time where we all are more culturally similar then ever before?

What this article does is not liberate black women from false pretenses. Instead the writer has publicly based every black man with ludicrous stereotypes while attempting to uplift white men with the same backwards thinking. Not all white men “ don’t take everything as a challenge to their masculinity” or even “have the ability to look beyond their past”.  I know tons of chauvinist white men “looking for someone to take care of them” as well as many white men who don’t know a thing about “financial planning and stability”. When there is a Black President in the White House who dispels every single stereotype and possible opportunity for a Black man how could anyone write such an ignorant piece?

The world just continues to blow my mind! I know many ways to support black women in dating outside their race without bashing black men. Jesus… I know thousands of beautiful, strong, loving, impeccable black men looking for a partner. There is no shortage. We just live in a time where limitations do not serve us anymore. So fall in love because you can- not because it will help your financial and social goals. When you can create a list of why you are with the man you are with without writing love, morals, or reasons beyond the color of his skin- you do not know the definition of love.

And the even more ignorant thing about the article? The article is coupled with pictures of black women with men who are not even white! The online magazine is not only stereotyping black men but is even more backwards in it’s assumption that every man with fair skin and not black is in fact white.

Moments like this make me thankful for growing up in California. Other than New York City, the rest of the country is so archaic and still living in the 50’s.  Oh no… Did I just stereotype? Well if Madame Noire can make ignorant assumptions I guess I can too.