A couple years ago, I was working on a book project regarding Black Women and the relationship with their fathers. When I started to talk to women about it they all had stories and willing to talk about it for hours. Regardless of the relationship with your father, good, bad, complicated, or absent, it’s shaped you as a woman in more ways then one. I can’t help but go back to the stories and the discussions during that time period when I read about Montana “Chippy D” Fishburne and her new career as a porn star. Oddly with Fishburne as a last name and one of the most respected actors in the game as her father, Chippy D believes porn is her way in to becoming a star. As transparent as it is, this decision has nothing to do with being an actress or fame. When other women have just ignored their father or write them a letter when they are mad, Montana has decided to make a public plea for attention. I doubt that Montana herself is aware, but this is all about Daddy. Who knows the details of their relationship but Montana is mad. And she’s probably not even aware how upset she is. Her public act to show him how much she doesn’t need him is only highlighting how much more she needs his guidance and attention.
But a woman’s relationship with her father goes far beyond just her decisions with sex and dating. It can shape your career decisions, your relationship with money, and even your relationship with your own mother. In some ways, I would argue this one relationship could be more detrimental then a woman’s connection with her mother. While a woman’s relationship with her mother is often valued as unconditional, a woman’s self worth is often derivates from her father. If Daddy is in the home or not he is often the disciplinarian, the one who tells you if you have been good or not. While men are raised to become a “man” and determine who they are outside of their family, women are often raised to value her father’s beliefs. Even when a father isn’t present in a woman’s life, the absence itself carries a direct correlation to her worth. Why he is or isn’t around is internalized to be about her.
I am far from a scholar on this subject, just a woman deeply connected to my relationship with my father. The good bad and the ugly of it. Without even meeting Montana, I’m empathetic to her struggle to be her own person outside who her father is. The only problem is, she’s making decisions she’s only going to regret publicly. And especially at her age, she needs him so much more then she wants to admit. If it is at all possible, lets try not to make this girl a joke. Instead, see her as an example of how important a man’s role is in his daughter’s life. Men, hug your daughters and hold her close. Women, look at how your relationship with that first man in your life has shaped you. If it’s caused any struggle or pain please address it. Unfortunately, as Montana is going to learn, it doesn’t just go away.
My, my, my preach!
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