Cheating- The End Of A Marriage?

Jessie James. Tiger Woods. Shaq O’Neal. David Boreanaz. Tiki Barber. 

These days there is another story of some celebrity cheating on their wives. And then boom, instantly the marriage is dissolved and life moves forward. But what I don’t understand is when people decide to get married, til death do us part, should cheating be the end of a marriage? I am far from a religious conservative or someone who believes in archaic gender roles, I’m just someone who doesn’t understand why people would make the decision to be aligned with someone for the rest of your lives and not mean it. I’ve never been married but I have been cheated on and the feeling is horrible. Regardless of the heartbreaking visual of your partner with someone else, it’s the complete breach of trust that is hard to repair from. But that was with my boyfriend, someone that I made the decision to TRY with. Not someone that I made a commitment in front of my friends, family, and the government to be with regardless of what comes our way. When someone cheats in a marriage, isn’t it the duty of the two parties to at least try to come back from that? I guess that is the one thing I do not understand with the idea of marriage these days. Do people not understand when you decide to marry someone that the possibility of someone screwing up right there in front of your face? The idea of monogamy for the entirety of a union is something that I never subscribed to. Not that it is not possible but the idea that we will not be highly attracted in another human being is so far against our human make up that it is something that both parties have to understand is not easily achieved. You got to work at it. Over and over again. It’s the person that thinks it is easy that scares me.

When I decide to get married, I plan to take my dedication and commitment seriously. I do not plan to stand and make such a public declaration without the thought of me or my partner making a disastrous mistake and what it could mean for our partnership. I am not at all suggesting these marriages should not have ended. I recognize that I do not know these people and have no idea what really happened in their relationships. All I am asking is do people really get married with the understanding that union means “for the rest of their lives”? And if that is not the case, why the hell get married in the first place? We currently live in a society where women have the opportunity to financially support themselves, have sex when they want to, and men can have multiple children outside of a marriage. We no longer HAVE to get married. The advantages that marriage once gave us are accessible without the ring, certificate and thousand of dollars spent on flowers. So, if people are going to do it, shouldn’t we truly consider are partners as people we are want to be with for the REST OF OUR LIVES? Even when they screw up?  Why do it, if the union and commitment doesn’t mean anything?

This one is controversial and I know there are plenty out there who think I’m crazy. Love to hear what you guys think. 

FIVE GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING SINGLE

As much as I am anxious to fall in love, every now and then I have moments of pure appreciation of being single. So much of our lives are about other people. Our jobs, friends, family, kids. We are quick to overlook the freedom to wake up when you want to, decide to have a fabulous meal even when the fridge is stalked, or something simple as never having to figure out what movie to see.

I believe the greatest gift any woman can give herself is time to be alone. Once you know you can be happy and make it through life alone, the next time you are in a relationship you know its because you want to. Not because you have to.

Here are five great things about my singlehood that are worth celebrating while they are still here:

PAPER TOWELS FOR TOILET PAPER

I can be lazy. Single and living alone means sometimes I don’t make it to the grocery store or the drug store as often as I need to. If I forget to get something before I come home, guess what? I don’t have to go back out if I don’t want to. I can use Paper towels for toilet paper and go in the morning when it’s more convenient for one person… me.

IF I AM NAUSEOUS, I’M JUST NAUSEOUS

The worst thing about having sex on a regular basis is constantly worrying if you’re Prego. I don’t care how much birth control a woman can be on, if anything is a little off your silent alarm goes haywire. Getting sick too often in one month, crying too much in one week, stomachache in the middle of the night. These are things that can happen for a number of other reasons but can cause a week of unnecessary stress when you’re in a relationship. When you’re single that stomachache is just a stomachache and life easily moves on.

3. A.M – 7.A.M. IS MINE WITH NO QUESTION

When I’m deep in a script my schedule is all over the place. Writing early in the morning, going to the gym at noon, seeing a movie at 5, back at work at 7, going to bed at 5 am. I can do that for days without any care or  true scheduling. I’m unapologetically selfish for all the right reasons. I couldn’t do that in a relationship. Even with the most understanding partner.

I CAN MOVE TO MORACCO TOMORROW

Not that I have any possible way of making that happen but it’s a possibility. I can apply for a gig out of town and the possibility doesn’t have to be a conversation. In a past relationship, the possibility of receiving a job offer in San Francisco had to be discussed. I wasn’t offered a job but we talked about what it could mean for us. It wasn’t a hard conversation but it was something I had to think about other then just wondering if I got the job or not.

MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS

I actually enjoy being a little stressed over what to wear on a first date. Flirty dress or jeans with a cute top? Heels or strappy sandals? All of it is strategic even if the guy notices or not. Looking in the mirror ready to go and not knowing at all how the night is going to play out is exciting. And all of that quickly fades away in a relationship. You don’t worry about wearing the same jeans all week and the little black dress doesn’t get seen for months.

We’re in such a hurry to get to the next phase that we miss the one we’re in. As much as I would like everything to go exactly how I want it when I want it, life doesn’t ever happen that way. When I look back at the frustrated moments of my life, its pretty clear that I went through it for a reason. This moment in my life feels strong, safe, and confident. A couple feelings that I haven't felt in awhile. Maybe it's just a moment of clarity. Regardless of how long it lasts, it sure does feel good. 

Everyday I Be Hustlin...

The lovely Shannon Flaherty gave me a shout out! Over on her blog HUSTLE UP, Shannon features daily Hustlers like myself trying to make dreams happen.

COME CHECK ME OUT! 

Dear Online Dating, Why Don't I Believe In You?

They say love finds you when you aren’t looking but if that’s the case then why are so many people writing profiles and posting pictures online to find “The One”?

I’ve done online dating and currently doing it right now but I have to tell you, I hate it. As much as I try, I can’t get over the shopping set up of it all. Looking at profiles like I’m looking for a pair of shoes, trying to figure out which one is a good fit. I feel like I’m shopping for a date. Throwing men into my "shopping cart" hoping for the moment I get to "check out". It feels unnatural and in a way desperate. Plus, my attraction to the men that turned into monumental relationships of my past was never been about what they looked like but more about what I felt when I was with them. Call me a hopeless romantic (and I wear the badge proudly) but how can you simply look at a picture of someone and know if you are a match? And when it comes to compatibility, what the hell does that really mean? Does the fact that he too likes italian food really mean we would get along? Sure, when it comes to statistics, we are more likely to meet someone online then walking down the street but when it comes to love has it ever followed the rules of science? We can all write a list of what we want but how many times have we fallen in love with what we never knew we really wanted?

I am less interested in finding “Someone” and more interested in finding “The One”. The distinction between the two is where online dating actually works. It directly puts you in a circle of people “looking” giving the a chance to meet people you wouldn’t usually meet day to day. The problem is do we really want to meet someone so out of pocket from what we experience on a daily basis? It’s a proven fact; we naturally want to be around folks that are like us. Our friends are our friends for a reason. So I can’t help but ask, is online dating just throwing folks at us that are not part of our social circle for a reason?

Now as much as I can complain about the online dating experience, I can also say some good has come of it. Surprising, I’ve met more respectable men then cyberspace Patrick Bateman’s (Have I told you the story about the white guy that smelled me all night cause "black chicks spell better than white chicks"?) and I am currently dating someone that I met online that I actually do like. So maybe I’m just a hater… but still 70% percent of us are meeting lifetime partners through social circles so… maybe I’m not.

Online dating... is it really our chance to finding love or just another way of wasting time and money?

JUST WRIGHT - ARE WE REALLY THAT DIFFERENT?

I’m frustrated. Irritated.

I saw Just Wright today and set out to write about the relationship between Queen Latifah and Common and got pissed off and sidetracked by a CNN video of a panelists (including Phylicia Rashad and Roland Martin) discussing the movie. 

Why is it such a big deal that Black People have jobs?

Why is it such a big deal that an actually well made romantic comedy has two black leads in it?

It just infuriates me that Hollywood has pinned us up so far in a box that once we get a great movie with real non stereotypical shuckin and jivin characters were “defying the rules”. Guess what Hollywood, Black people come in all shapes and sizes, different parts of the country, even come from different social economic backgrounds. And guess what sometimes the big black girl wins! You know the chick with a job, a house, and a father that loves her!

I don’t know why I am surprised. As a black female screenwriter, I deal with this all the time. I once received coverage of a script where the reader said my dialogue wasn’t real because the educated lead character went from being professional to using words like “aint” with her friends. Recently, a hollywood producer was afraid to read my pilot about dysfunctional private school parents because he had a project with an African American writer about an African girl in boarding school. Because we're both black woman obviously the ideas have to be similar, right? There are thousands of Leslie Wright's walking this earth who deserve to see their stories. Tyler Perry is not the authority of the Black American experience. Mike Elliot has been doing this a lot longer then he has. So has Sanaa Hamri. There are thousands of Black industry professionals out there that deserve to be heard. And as shocking as it might seem, all of our stories are NOT the same.

The rant is coming from the fact that I enjoyed “Just Wright”. It was a feel good movie about black people that had nothing to do with race. It’s true sometimes we have a day where we don’t discuss how black we are, or how much race affects our every waking moment. Sometimes our race is just that, so deeply rooted in who we are that there isn’t a separation that even needs to be discussed. I’m thankful for “Just Wright” and hopefully this movie begins to open doors for other folks but CNN, as much as I thankful for the publicity, black people with jobs that fall in love is NOT news. As much as the WASHINGTON POST, NIGHTLINE, and all the other media outlets want you to believe the opposite, black people fall in love, get married and stay together, more often then not.

Towards the end Phylicia Rashad looks just as irritated with the conversation as I am. Just like the Queen she is, she brings the discussion to an end with:

" We were being human, we were being ourselves... People, and I mean people all over this planet, are much more alike then we can ever be different" 

Maybe the only thing we need to do is stop making the possibility of having universally relatable films with African American leads a conundrum and the rest of the world will follow. 

THE DIVORCED MAN - THE NEW CATCH

Now, I am not one to generalize but as I get older I realize stereotypes are more often true. Like most black women my age, I always wanted my partner to be my equal -someone around the same age and stage of life. Being with someone divorced or someone who already had kids was a turn off. I didn’t want someone who had already done what I was looking forward to doing. I wanted to explore marriage and parenthood with just as much excitement and naiveté as me. We could mess up together, triumph together and build a life hand in hand.  But then I realized these criteria’s have nothing to do with being a good man, and more importantly there might be a very good qualities about a man who has  “been there done that” that I could benefit from.

SOMEONE HAS DONE THE HARD WORK FOR ME

Most men in their 20’s and 30’s are still figuring their shit out. As Steve Harvey states, a black man hasn’t figured out what it means to be a man till his 30’s. So getting him after he has figured it out doesn’t sound like a bad plan to me. Someone else gets to deal with his inconstancy, his constant changing of careers, and his years of insecurity. By the time he’s considering a second marriage, he has a pretty good idea what it means to have a successful relationship and knows more about what not to do then I do. The rough edges have been buffed; the heavy loading has all been done before me.

HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS

Just like a failed relationship, a failed marriage can clear out all the perceived notions of what you thought you wanted and what you actually need. A divorced man is a lot clearer about what is not a match for him and - less interested in playing any games. If he’s interested, he’s interested and he’s not afraid of letting you know.

HE’S STABLE

Stability in this case doesn’t have to do with money. Now, financial stability of course is a plus and most likely part of the divorced mans package but emotional stability is a huge advantage is an experienced man. Most likely all the drama was experienced in the relationship before me and he’s less interested in dealing with it again. Conflicts are dealt with more interest in the resolution then trying to flex his manhood about who he is and where he stands. He’s cool, confident and collected and ready to move on past the drama and back to the peace.

HE’S EXPERIENCED IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE

Yes, I went there. A great sexual partner is not about quantity but about quality. A man who has been married or has been in a long term relationship for a considerable amount of time has had the chance to not only understand a woman’s body but has the chance to get it right, over and over again. This doesn’t happen with someone who has jumped from one booty call to the next. Any good athlete knows its about conditioning, Can’t just run the track field everyday and think you’re good it. My bet is a divorced man has had more time to study and craft and less time to jump around hungry for the next opportunity.

Of course there are men looking to play regardless of age or status. Dogs come in all shapes and sizes. This list is about the divorced man looking for a relationship. Of course, these are all assumptions but I’m confident that I am more right then wrong.

What do you think? Who’s down to challenge me?  

The Weight Of It All

My weight has always been a part of who I am. Growing up as a chubby kid, I remember at 5 years old, asking my mother if I could go on a diet. I remember cutting out fat camp ads in the back of Tiger Beat Magazine hoping one day she would say yes. I envisioned going to fat camp like a fantasy vacation, if I could get there all my problems would be over.

Growing up as a dancer, being active has always been a natural part of my life. On average I work out 4 times a week. What I do changes; the gym, Tae bo, Barry’s boot camp or running but not working out has never been an option. I might be able to run faster and longer then my skinny friends but my athletic ability never equated to my size. No carbs, weight watchers, south beach. No matter what diet I tried, at 5’10 my weight always fluctuates between a size 10-12.

Frustrated without being able to be the size that I felt pretty, I went to a weight loss doctor, started taking diet pills and joined a rigorous workout series for four months straight and lost 35 pounds. The attention was addicting and the fact that I could try on pants without having to mentally prepare myself was liberating.

But as soon as I could no longer afford the pills and the workout classes and went back to my regular routine I started to put on the weight. There I was again, training for a half marathon and fitting into my “fat” jeans. Exhausted with never feeling alright with myself, I gave up trying to be a size and just focused on being healthy. When I focus on doing what I know keeps my happy, I feel good the majority of the time but recently when I was complaining to a guy friend about feeling invisible at bars in Los Angeles, he mentioned that I looked great when I lost all that weight and maybe I should do that again to boost my chances. In his defense, he didn’t know my history with weight or what I did to get to that size, all he knew was I looked “better” then, then I do now 12 pounds heavier.

Of course, it got me to thinking, how much does matter when you are single? I’m not talking about overweight vs. healthy but a size 8 vs. 10. Honestly, I think I attract the same amount of men that I did when I was thinner but could the type of men be different? And if that is the case, how much of who we are should we compromise for the chance of meeting someone? Knowing that weight and feeling good about who I am regardless of my size is an issue for me, how much do I sacrifice for the sake of being more attractive? Sure I could lose weight but is my happiness more important than the size of my jeans? Ultimately, aren’t I a better partner if I love myself unconditionally? I have been in a relationship where my size became a factor. Have I lost weight, gain weight, does he find me attractive were constant conversations in my head and ultimately part of our demise.

I’m not interested in playing the weight game anymore but I am aware that I do live in Los Angeles. Land of actresses and models. A place where a size 10 can sometimes be hard to find in my favorite boutiques. Am I playing myself by living and working in a place where size does matter and choosing not to play the game? I don’t want to leave Los Angeles but in the same breath, is my self-esteem worth being toyed with in my search of finding “Him”? Wearing a size 12, are my chances of finding someone slimmer (no pun intended) being a black woman working and socializing in the entertainment industry?

I got back and forth on this issue and then I see two people; overweight, skinny, young, old, holding hands walking down the street laughing and I think to myself, I want that. That unadulterated joy when none of the world around you matters. I’ve seen that joy in different sizes, shapes, and colors.

Maybe I’m playing myself but I am going to concentrate on loving me, and hopefully he wherever he is, is doing the same. And when we do find each other, hopefully our holding hands, walking down the street laughing, will inspire someone else to love themselves unconditionally also. 

Lena Horne - A beautiful life well lived

As an African American woman in the entertainment industry, my life has been touched by Lena Horne. For my debut as a contributor for Venus Zine Magazine I wrote a tribute to the legendary singer and actress HERE.

BECAUSE OF HIM I DREAM

Today is my father's 60th birthday. In celebration of his life and his influence in mine, I am posting an essay I wrote about him for a book anthology a couple years ago. It can not be stressed how important a father's love is to a daughter. So much of who I am is because he said I could be.

Happy Birthday Poppa Jo!

He says he gave me a typewriter when I was two years old. I actually have memories of that odd yellow machine. So as he likes to believe, he is the absolute and true reason I am a writer. Who knows if it was actually that typewriter that I connected with but every moment I sit in front of my computer, like this moment now, I know that I am a writer because of my father.

Both of my parents completely supported my strange habit of checking out a pile of books from the library and spending my Saturday trying to see how many I could read. They supported me when suddenly I found journalism tiresome and wanted to get into the exciting and yet unstable screenwriting profession. But, it was my father, who told me, after I graduated from college that I could move home and not have a standard job. My job would be to sit home and write. Spoiled, is what some people might say to this, but now seven years later I realize that he presented me with the most precious gift anyone could give an artist; complete creative freedom.

 At that time, I was too scared to know what I was presented with. Stay home? Live with my parents? Psst! I’m 21! I’m grown, independent! So I got a job and moved out and years later I’m struggling with how to build my creative work and pay the damn phone bill at the same time. But as much as I complain and cry, I know I am blessed with the support many of my friends don’t have. I look at my other friends who are also chasing their unconventional dreams. I hear them complain about their parents not understanding why they are college graduates who serve people dinner or jump from one minimum wage job to another wishing and praying for that break that will take them out of the constant battle with anxiety and self esteem. I feel their pain when they wonder how the hell rent is going to get paid this month. I still deal with doubt, financial instability, and wonder when or if it’s ever going to be me who I read about in the trades. But because my father understands why I am a 27-year-old hostess/babysitter/reader/garagesaleextraordinaire/copywriter/receptionist/assistant and more importantly how all of these things equal being a screenwriter. All I have is the stress and anxiety that I put on myself. The love and support that I constantly get from my father is the one thing that pushes me to strive. It is he who tells me it’s okay if my new spec doesn’t sell. He is the man that champions my small triumphs that seem invisible to others, and it is he who challenges my drive when I complain about the struggle.

One day while cleaning out the garage I found something that explained my whole life to me. I found a screenplay written over 20 years ago by my father. And then it clicked; he is giving me the dream that he was unable to pursue. I never asked him about it.  I didn’t have to.

 My parents met in college and married at the age of 23. As a married man he didn’t have the luxury of making minimum wage or not working for a month to finish a screenplay. He couldn’t lock himself in a room and not leave until that script was done. He worked, he supported a family, and now he’s giving me the ability to dream. I don’t know if my father actually wanted to be a screenwriter, I have no idea if he feels that he never got to live out his dream. All I know is that what I am is because of his love, his support, and more importantly he constant reminder that I can be whatever I choose to be.

Whenever I face doubt and curse myself for falling in love with something so intangible I think of him. I think about how he has more faith in me then I have in myself. Oddly enough, his blind faith often translates into fear and I find myself fighting against that big “What If”. What if I don’t become successful? What if I let him down? But that won’t happen, it can’t happen. He has equipped me with the tools to strive and to see myself in whatever light I choose to surround me. Because of him I am able to dream.

How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Ex?

One of my first jobs, a director’s assistant, took me to Toronto for a couple months for work. The experience I will remember because not only did I get to form lasting friendships, I met a man that changed my perspective of relationships forever.

The director and I were watching footage of a screen test when we were discussing my taste in men. It has no pattern and makes no sense. It changes all the time and it’s hard to pinpoint. As we were laughing about my fickleness (is that a word?) this gorgeous man popped on the screen and I had to catch my breath, “That’s it. That’s my type”. 

Now this man was not just fine… this man was FIIIINNNEEE. 6’3, Jamaican, muscular, beautiful lips and chocolate skin. A man who could give any woman the shivers. A couple days later on set, there he was, pensively staring at me. For some reason, regardless of knowing he was a stand in for our lead actor, I still couldn’t handle seeing him in person.

He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him and in less than a month, I was in a full-blown relationship. Dinners, shopping, family. It all happened way too quickly, but I didn’t care, I was in LOVE. Then the evitable happened, the movie wrapped and it was time for me to go back home.  Not long after I returned to LA. He came to visit for a month and to plan is soon to come big move to Lalaland. Everything was beautiful… for two weeks. Literally, two freakin weeks and then I hated him. He drove me INSANE! He was possessive, broke, and needed me to help him with everything. I remember laying in bed and thinking I will be so ok if I never see this man again. In a flash, my feelings for him were completely different. I was OVER IT. At the end of his trip, I took him to the airport and seven years later, we have never spoke. But the crazy thing is, I never had an interest in speaking to him. Dropping him off at the airport was enough closure for me and this was a man just weeks earlier I was ready to marry! Of course, I was crazy young but the fact that I could get over someone so quickly stayed with me.

Prior to him, I had similar reactions to the end of a relationship. We’re done? Cool. I’ve always been able to bounce back and ready to fall in love with the next man. Jaded? Never. Bitter? I didn’t even know what that meant. I still see Canada boy on TV and in print ads and I’m still not affected. No part of my heart strings or even reminisces. With experiences like that, I always believed in the old adage;  “it takes half of the time you are with someone to get over them”.

Granted, getting over Canada boy was a lot quicker then a month but the adage makes perfect sense. Grown ups experience each other, break up and move on. Unfortunately, that was not the case with my last one… We were together for only a year and I remember right after we broke up thinking, “Cool, I’ve broken up a hundred times, I’m a pro at this”.  Now a year later after the break up, every once in awhile I am still haunted my memories of him. So what happened to half of the relationship? Because my now, I shouldn’t even remember his name!

The ex before the ex, was complicated and messy. It was actually a longer relationship but when the time came to call it quits, it was long over do. I was back in the game, ready to find someone better than and more worthy. Sure it wasn’t a Canada bounce back but it didn’t linger like this one.

I once had the question as a facebook status “ How long does it take to get over someone”? Of course, I got multiple versions of the bull crap answer “half the time you are with someone” and then I got various “ after months of therapy”, “ until you get your back blown out ”, “ Until you find the next”.  And I realized, all of these answers had nothing to do with me but more to do with the person answering the question. You get over it when you get over it. Finding someone else definitely helps but for sure it’s not the answer. We all know plenty of people in relationships still thinking about the one before.

Leaning on my personal experiences, there are three factors that determine the length of how long it takes to get over someone: 

 You did the break up – There was no “ifs” or “would haves” it was clearly time to go and your decision 100%.

Somebody did somebody really wrong  – lying, cheating, stealing money, getting someone else pregnant, was apart of the fall. Even if you didn’t want it to end or the one who did the deceit, when it’s clear that your life is so much better without them, it’s a lot to keep it moving.

And lastly…

Being in love – The easiest way to find out if you really love someone is breaking up with them. Time apart separates lust, infatuation, and need. Knowing that they are still apart of you when you are no longer in contact is the true test of a lasting footprint on the heart.

As we get older, relationships get so much more complicated. I’m not talking about details of the relationship but more about the feelings involved. They’re deeper, richer, and so much more involved.  So I’ve learned…

How long does it take to get over a relationship? However long it takes. Period.

FIREWORKS VS DISGUST? Maybe not liking him is the sign of a long term relationship

My past relationships all started pretty much the same. I went out not expecting anything but came back, feeling like my life had changed. The moment that I met him, I knew I was meeting someone special. That was it. Realism and caution had left the room and optimism was taking over. When it comes to dating, it’s black or white for me. I’m either knocked off my feet or barely interested. My girlfriend’s know if he gets an “ok” from me, the relationship isn’t going too far. I don’t need time to warm up, go through my baggage, or any other kind of maneuvering before jumping in. If I make that decision, I’m all in.

I have a love/hate relationship with my romantic optimism. I love the fact that I don't have to play games but I also hate the not so easy to get over break ups and the long stretches of time before I decide to give it a go with the next guy.

“When you know, you know” is what I tell my friends. I always believed you know in minutes if the person you are with is someone special. It doesn’t take too long to recognize greatness… but it might take a lifetime to confirm it. I’m always skeptical of those stories of two friends that knew each other for years and then one day they looked at each other and everything changed. Seriously? So you’ve known someone for years and never thought about being in a relationship with them and then all of a sudden all the crap that made them a no go in your book is all erased? Seems to me that someone in that equation was settling. Someone threw in the towel and decided, this thing I got is better then nothing. But as much as I was skeptical of that story, I had reasons to be skeptical of mine. All of the men that I fell in love with I knew I was going to marry. Obviously, I had it wrong… more than a couple times. Three of my good friends have stories completely the opposite of my past. Maybe my approach is all wrong.

Girlfriend # 1 went on the first date with her soon to be husband and didn’t like him. She complained about his clothes, described their first kiss with disgust and couldn’t stand his voice. All signs she didn’t like the man. She even went as far and lied to him about dating another man in hopes that it would deter him from liking her but it didn't work, he stuck around. A couple weeks and a few dates later, things changed for her. She started to like him. Voice no longer was an issue, his clothes were something she could work with, and kiss became something she looked forward to.  Less then a year later, they were happily married.

Brokenhearted after a break up, Girlfriend # 2 jumped online to meet a guy. She was on a mission to find a self proclaimed rebound. He didn’t have to be special, just someone to help her get over the last one. She went on a series of dates with socially awkward and desperate men but soon found a guy that was normal. He wasn’t anything she thought she could call her man but she thought he was someone she could have fun with in the meantime. We laughed about the funny way he talked, his bad suit and his chronic indecisiveness when ordering at a restaurant. It was all fun and games until things started to change. She began to see he was giving her everything she wanted in a relationship; commitment, time, affection, loyalty but the package wasn’t anything she ever pictured herself with. Now almost a year later, they’re talking about moving in together and she’s talking about she finding “the one”.

Girlfriend # 3 actually went out on a date with a guy she was excited about. He was everything her ex boyfriend was not and that was enough to look forward to. The first date was great, and the second was even better. Weeks later, things were in high gear but a month later, she questioned her feelings about him. He read too many self help books, sung in the shower and she was surprised to learn he was more conservative then liberal. This new information made her think of her ex boyfriend and when she wanted to get out of the relationship, she continued to see him. Months later when I was anticipating the break up, she told me she was in love and expecting to be engaged soon.

These examples are not of the perfect relationship or of relationships that I am striving for. But two of them didn't have that spark and all three of them made decisions that this man wasn't for them only to be proved wrong a couple months later. Maybe that initial spark that I hold so special isn’t as relevant as I think it is. Maybe how the relationship plays out is more important then the first meet. Granted who knows how long the relationships are going to last, but all three of these ladies are happy. Isn't happiness what we're looking for?

Hottest Chick In The Game

"Why Don't You Love Me" - Beyoncé from Beyoncé on Vimeo.



As much as I love Beyonce, I love Melina Matsoukas. She's not only female and fearless, she's smart and freakin talented. There aren't that many female music video directors out there and in four short years, she's taken the industry over. Adding to that, this video is an all female production. Directed by Melina and Beyonce, for Beyonce, written by Solange. Beyonce proves it yet again... Hottest Chick In The Game. Period.

Elizabeth Gilbert and the truth about marriage...

I love Elizabeth Gilbert. Aside from reading Eat, Pray, Love before taking off on my own Italian adventure in 2007 I connect with her inquisitive nature as a writer. We often look at ourselves for understanding of what is going on in the world and her self reflection has touched millions of women crossing ethnicity and culture lines.

While doing research on an article, I found this quote regarding the truth of the 50% divorce rate statistic. I immediately equated this to the 42% of black women not married. There is always another side to a statistic.

Q:  Why do you think U.S. divorce rates are so high? What statistical findings did you encounter that people might consider before tying the knot?

A: First of all, it's important to know that the famous "50% divorce rate" that we hear about so much these days is a little bit misleading. Across the board, there is a 50% divorce rate, true, but those numbers really change based on the age of the couple at the time of marriage. Young couples divorce at astronomically high rates, which blows the curve for everyone else. The fundamental conclusion we can draw from all the data is this: Marriage is not a game for the young. Wait as long as you humanly can to get married, and your odds of staying with one partner forever will increase dramatically. If you wait until you are, say, 35 years old to get married, your odds of success are pretty terrific. The other question is one of expectation. Modern Americans bring to their marriages the most over-stuffled bundle of expectations the institution has ever seen. We expect that our partner will not merely be a decent person, but will also be our soul mate, our best friend, our intellectual companion, our greatest sexual partner and our life's complete inspiration. Nobody in human history has ever asked this much of a companion. It's a lot to ask of one mere mortal, and the inevitable disappointments that follow such giant expectations can cripple marriages.