CRY BABY CRY

I am a modern woman. Never asked for a man to take care of me and never wanted to settle when it comes to my career or love. Still, I believe when it comes down to the basic fundamentals of any relationship, all women want the same thing: to be loved and understood. The problem is what people interpret to be love is completely different. 

Over the weekend, my blog post about Elin started a small debate on my facebook page. As one friend argued that we need to stop raising our men with the inability to cry and think with their hearts, another friend argued that women do not have any interest or respect for a man that is in touch with his “inner pussy”.  And then the question was raised – Would I be ok with a man who came home from a day of being beaten up, pushed, and tried and started to cry on my shoulder?

The question was insinuating that no woman in her right mind would be ok with that. As much as I am not interested in a man who falls apart at adversity, my experience has allowed me to grow and appreciate a man who is able to fully express himself emotionally. I want to know that my man feels safe enough in our relationship to say when he is scared, unsure, or even tired. And more importantly I want to be with a man who isn’t afraid to need me. So the answer is yes- I would be ok with the man that came home and cried on my shoulder.

From day one, I’ve always been attracted to strong men. Self made men. Men who are entrepreneurs, their own thinkers, leaders of the pack. I grew up in a home where the men sat in the front seats of the car. My father made the crucial decisions for the family and if anything went wrong we knew Dad could and would take care of it. I myself want the same for my future family. To be with a man who takes a strong leader role, someone that I could fully trust with my children and my best interest.

Some how we have raised men to believe that a “real man” abandons any ability to feel or evoke emotion. Unfortunately, I have never found that stoic man of only a few words to be sexy, attractive, or my perfect vision of a “real man”. In some ways tears can be the symbol of more strength then ever imagined. If my man needs to cry, I want to be the one person that will allow him to do so. I want to be the one person that will not cast judgment- able to love him and respect him through that moment.

But please notice it’s a MOMENT. I heard a woman once say she was looking for an “enlightened cowboy”. In some ways, I’m looking for that Intellectual Thug. He must embody a sense of confidence and swag that commands attention, a smile and a laugh that is infectious, read the New York Times, listens to NPR and KRCW, knows the works of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Ishmael Reed, Jamaica Kincaid, loves to work out but is not afraid to eat a chocolate cake, enjoys PJ Harvey just as much as he enjoys Aloe Blacc. He must be someone that I can share everything with but someone that no matter where I go, I know I am protected.

The writers who argue the  “Pussification of the American Male” are correct. We are beginning to bread a more sensitive man. We’ve become a country where we don’t ridicule our President for crying over the death of his grandmother. A place where a football star can cry on national television about never meeting his own son. I support this new emotionally evolved man. The man who understands that anger and oppression is only going to lead him somewhere that doesn’t help our family or me. A man who understands that being emotional healthy could possibly be the best type of protection and support one could give himself and his family.

In my eyes, a real man is never afraid to cry. 

Come on Elin.... NO IDEA?

Elin Nordegren, Tiger’s newly ex wife, told People Magazine that she had no idea that he was cheating on her. To find out about one affair was a complete shock, let alone many.  But I have a really hard time believing this statement - Can a woman really have NO IDEA that her man is cheating on her?

As a woman that has been cheated on, I don’t believe that you never have any idea. I believe we always know something is wrong we just choose to believe what we want. No one wants to believe their boyfriend/husband can easily cheat on them therefore when the first red flag shows up we more than often give it a pass. We try to remain rational… “He does have a faulty phone battery” or “He says they are just friends”. We don’t want to be the jealous girlfriend so we take our fear, put it to the side and do what any good perfect wonderful woman would do- trust her man. And then something goes wrong again. This time it’s an email or a phone call in the middle of the night. It’s something bigger then the first that even your girlfriends are looking at you sideways. But regardless of the evidence, no one wants to believe that the man laying up next to them, holding their hand, looking into your eyes would literally lie so eloquently and effortless to your face.

But Ladies, even in every episode of denial, we always know the truth. There is no doubt that we as women have a real true sense of intuition. Our intuition always shows up,  even when we don’t want it to. Tiger didn’t cheat with one woman. He cheated with so many that there are multiple reports of the true number. There are rumors of him even fathering a couple children. To be that busy, he would have to have a couple nights of not picking up the phone or evenings where  he was one place and showed up at another. Honestly, for how bad he screwed up, I don’t believe he was that good at covering his tracks that his cheating was undetectable. Plus, I swear men always act different after they’ve spent considerable time with another woman. Patterns change, sex drives alter. When another woman enters your relationship, it’s just never the same.

I’m sorry Elin, if it’s cheating, lying or even the fact that the relationship is not working, we always know. We might spend years in denial or fight to make it right but at the bottom of our hearts under all the crap lies the truth.  I am not insinuating that Elin is lying but I don’t believe she is being a 100% truthful. She’s not remembering that small moment where that little voice told her something aint right.

Later in the interview Elin goes on to say that “a marriage without trust and love wasn’t good for anyone”. I throw an imaginary high five her way for having the courage and strength to stand up for the relationship she wants and deserves.  

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED AT A BABY-BACHELORETTE-BRIDAL SHOWER

"In life we often don't know where we are going until the day we arrive" 

This weekend I celebrated the recent life events of a good friend. In just six months she fell in love, became pregnant, got married, changed careers, and is moving to another country. It was only last December when we went on a Beverly Hills hotel bar crawl as we drank away our sorrows over our recent love loss. She met her husband when she was least expecting it. Of course her life has changed dramatically fast, but the one thing that I admire is how calm she is. She carries a beautiful confidence about her present and future that honestly, I have never seen her carry before. It’s a stillness that I usually don’t see in many women even when they have been with their boyfriends/fiancé’s for years. Her elegance regarding her life reminds me how much it is a waste to worry. In December she was just three months from being swept off her feet, worried about when her life was going to change. And just a few months later her life did change - in a way far beyond what she could have even imagined.

It just reminds me how much we really don’t know about our future. Sure we have a list of the things that we want. Goals that we need to accomplish. But more often that list has really nothing to do with we need or really what we deserve. As I looked around the room at the baby-bachlorette-bridal shower I took in where all of my friends were just 5 years ago and where we all are now. 5 years ago we were all with men that we are no longer with or even thinking about. Some of us have changed careers, moved out of the state – all of us are living lives that we really could not have predicted.

My girlfriend’s story reminds me that we really don’t have much to worry about. Especially when it comes to love. Love shows up when it’s suppose to. You can’t force it, dress it up or even hold on it when it’s ready to go. As my father says “when it comes to the matters of the heart, nothing is rational nor predictable”. I often find myself wondering if I will ever find someone. Is my single status permenant? Am I the only lucky person God has chosen to be alone for the rest of my life? And then I think of my friend who just went to her friends wedding- an event that had been marked on the calendar for months unknowing that in that event dedicated to someone else will be the day her life would change.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I do know worrying about it really isn’t going to get me anywhere. Reliving my past and my decisions isn’t really going to get me there any faster either. I do remember being happily in my last relationship and thinking: this is it. This is the moment where all of my past mistakes and failed relationships finally make sense. I remember thinking extremely thankful for my horrible exes because if I didn’t endure them who know if I would be able to recognize the greatness of the man that I was with then. I think my friend has reached a similar moment where all of the confusing and frustrated times of the past finally are given a tangible reason. I look forward to experiencing that moment once again.

THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE

A friend of mine going through a breakup argued that we are all not guaranteed to finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with, therefore instead of expecting love in our lives we should be working on preparing on being alone for the rest of our lives. I argued if we prepare to be alone, we will be alone. We all can have what we want in life – it’s the idea that we know when it’s going to come or what it looks like that gets us in trouble. We all can fall in love and have the partners we’ve always wanted. It’s only if we really believe it or not. Broken hearted and bitter, he told me I’m an optimistic and only going to end up disappointed. He and his broken heart is the perfect example of my point.

WE ARE ALL SINGLE FOR A REASON

We all hate that question: “So why are you single?” No one really has an answer for that and does the person asking the question REALLY want to know? See, the truth is, no one is just single BECAUSE. We all have problems. Issues. Hold Ups. And all of that affects us from meeting someone or more importantly affects our choice of a partner. We’ve all heard it before, a professional woman, at the top of her game, heartbroken she is alone. She lists all of her accomplishments, her income, and the property she owns as examples of why she is a good catch. Somehow along the way we decided that career success means that you somehow deserve and expect to find the perfect relationship. Unfortunately, holding down a job has nothing to do with holding down a relationship. If we’re single and don’t want to be, we got an issue or two to get through that we are not trying to work on. Often we are so focused on finding “Mr. or Mrs. Perfect” that we miss the opportunity to be the person our ideal would want to be with.

This idea that we are all on some type of timeline needs to end. Women don’t need to have children by 33; men don’t need to have their careers in order by 29. We all are on our own path and have our own milestones to figure out. In each mistake, set back or disappointment is a lesson for us. Never are we simply just a victim in life’s mishaps. With get lesson and personal growth I think we slowly become the person who is the perfect match for our perfect partner.

So when you are asked that dreadful question, “Why are you single?” Know there is a reason. The person asking doesn’t need to know but as long as we are self-aware to know that we all got some work to do, life will take care of the rest. 

"BLACK GIRL, I LOVE THE WAY YOU SMELL" - IS THERE REALLY A DIFFERENCE WHEN IT COMES TO RACE?

I figured since I was on Match.com, I needed to give it a considerate attempt. I had been on it for a couple months and nothing had materialized other then a couple exchanged emails and failed attempts to meet for a date. But then there was Greg. He was white, with a ken doll smile. He had a couple headshots as profile pictures so I figured he was an actor. He wasn’t necessarily my type but there was no arguing- he was cute. Greg was extremely interested and as soon as we exchanged phone numbers he called immediately and asked if by chance I was available to go out the next evening. As much as I wanted to say no, the voices of my girlfriends infiltrated my thoughts. I need to be more open and down to have some fun. So… I was open.

Greg picked me up at my house that night. It wasn’t necessarily the safest choice to have a random man pick me up but I was being adventurous- differentiating myself from over analytical Areca. We went to a nice bar lounge not to far from my house. Greg had a nice demeanor but this horrible laugh. It was just loud and… unnecessary. The kid of laugh that made the whole room turns and asks “WTF”? But the odd thing was Greg had no idea. Not sure how but the man was just unaware of the stares and looks. That’s when I should have known Greg had a problem with boundaries. As we got through the small talk of where we were from and what we did Greg sipped on his courage juice. It didn’t take him too long to become bold enough to tell me how much he “loved black women”. See, Black women were “his thing”. Men like Greg are the exact reason why most black women are hesitant to date outside of their race. We don’t want to be sexualized because we are “different” – the exotic sexual conquest in a white man’s world. His new toy to play with that shows how hip, cool, and down he was. But Greg had no problem with voicing how much he loved black women’s bodies, our “attitudes” and how good we are in bed. Of course Greg saw no problem with his stereotypical list of qualities unaware that I could possibly be offended by anything he was saying. This was just his preference and besides he loved the way black women smelled. Yes, smelled. According to Greg, Black Women just smelled better than white women. Our smell was “rich, sexy, and just… good”. He curled up his nose as he described the smell of his Caucasian sisters. He threw all black women into one box labeled smell and reduced our culture and history to something so trivial as odor. I was done. Pissed off and livid I was ready to go home. But like we earlier established, Greg’s social skills were off. Instead of understanding the date was over, Greg decided to put his nasty face in my neck and too a whiff. It took a push and a “GET THE HELL OFF OF ME” for Greg to understand the date was over.

Later as I told my friends about the crazy man and his offensive comment about black women and smell, my girlfriends who have dated outside of their race shrugged their shoulders and hesitantly admitted that Greg is right… we do smell differently. They all agreed, black men and white men just smell differently and there is a commonality in odor when it comes to race. Years have gone by since their horrible date and I still am not ready to believe that racially we all have a specific odor. As many people I ask they all agree- it’s safe to say racially we all share a specific smell.

Now Greg might have a black girl fetish and slight alcohol problem but was he wrong or offensive for loving black women for their smell? A girlfriend of mine who has dated the rainbow has said in the most calm and endearing way how much she loves the smell of Indian men. Sure, I understand that individually we have are own smell but is it possible as a racial group we all smell the same? And seriously, isn’t it offensive to say you love a specific culture for the way they smell? Aren’t there a lot more other qualities to choose from?

The whole thing just sounds odd to me and honestly, Greg has made it a little hard for me to really trust the true interest from another white man. There are crazy people out there from all different races and cultures but this black woman is not interested in being loved because of how exotic and different I am. Sure, I want to be loved for being unique but lets not have those qualities limited to esthetics.

Is Greg crazy? Do black women and white women smell differently? Is it politically correct to say you are sexually attracted to the odor of a racial group? 

5 RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES NEVER TO REPEAT

I know it might be hard to believe but yes, I’ve made some mistakes in my life. I’ve done some stupid things that are hard to forget. Decisions so memorable they are even harder to repeat. That’s the great thing about a new relationship. The opportunity to start over with a clean slate. These are the moments to be thankful for your ex boyfriend – thankful to mess things up with the wrong guy so you can get it right with the next guy.

#1 NEVER ASK “WHAT ARE WE”?

In every relationship is the moment when you move from casual into something serious. But that shift should be evident to both of you. If it happens for you and you’re wondering if it is happening for him- I can answer that for you- it’s not. See, “what are we” shouldn’t be a question. Sure, it should never be assumed but if you have no idea where your wanna be boyfriend is with you then I’m afraid you two are not in the same place.

#2 EVEN IF IT’S OPEN – DON’T EVEN THINK OF LOOKING

Everyone’s got a past. Everyone’s got some stuff you don’t need to know. This goes for men and women. So it you are looking for information you don’t know...you’re going to find it. Even if his blackberry is sitting there or his facebook account is open on his desktop. DON’T LOOK!! I’m telling you; it’s only going to end up bad, bad, bad. Even if you don’t necessarily find anything. You’re always going to wonder and now snooping has become an easy option. Once you start, it’s hard to ever stop- and trust is forever out the window. In most cases when you got issues and you wish you knew more? What you already know is always just enough.

#3 NEVER ASK FOR A KEY

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. We had been dating for 6 months and were serious. It was his birthday and a friend from out of town wanted to surprise him. So the idea was to get inside his place when he wasn’t there. I didn’t even think twice that getting a key could be a problem. We’ve met each other’s families, exchanged “ I love yous”, met friends, etc. There was nothing for me to worry about. So I handed him a copy of my key and asked for his. He froze. And then began to stutter. He needed to have a conversation about “what exchanging the key’s meant”. Huh? I was at his place multiple times a week and had been there for hours when he wasn’t around yet the key was still not that easy for him to give up. Men are just sensitive and controlling about “their space”. Even when it doesn’t make any sense. In most cases, he probably thought about it and is on his way to give it to you but a man can’t be rushed to be anywhere he’s not ready to be. They have to hand over the key when they are ready. Even if it’s after you.

#4 NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU BEFORE 30 DAYS            

Sure this might seem simple and obvious but I had to learn this one a couple of times. No matter how good it feels or how great he is, never say “I love you” too early. Even if he is feeling the same way. See, after a month or even two months his “representative” is still around and so is yours. You got to see if that “love you” is still easy to say when they piss you the hell off. Saying I love you before even really knowing each other only means you’re caught up and not thinking right. Its not that I don’t think you can really fall in love with someone quickly, I just know it takes a lot more time to know if it’s real.

#5 DINNER AND A MOVIE? RELATIONSHIP IS OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN

If a guy wants to take you out to a dinner and a movie as a first date, he’s either not that interested or just damn boring. Either way, he’s not someone worth dating. Using the standard format of dating you used in high school only means he didn’t put too much thought into taking you out. He’s just going through the motions. You’re either already labeled a rebound or he’s doing someone a favor. The same goes for a lunch date. Sorry ladies, it’s a sure sign he’s not that excited and who wants to spend time with someone who’s not excited about spending time with you? PASS

# 5.2 DON'T RETURN GOOD JEWELRY 

This one is a special one because it has to do with the end of a relationship. If a man has given you nice expensive jewelry during your relationship, DON'T RETURN IT! No matter how mad you are or how much the jewelry reminds you of everything that went wrong, tuck it away or give it to a friend. There will be a day when the emotion is no longer there and it will become just a beautiful piece of jewelry. Every woman deserves beautiful jewelry even if it's from an ex boyfriend. Damn... I miss that necklace. 

Sure there are exceptions to every rule but all 5 mistakes I know will keep me out of trouble and heartbreak. What are your never to return to mistakes? What are the relationship no no’s you are guaranteed to never repeat? 

CIAO BELLA BELLA - MY DAYS AS A BLACK WOMAN IN ITALY

The truth is stereotypes are more often true then not (don’t shoot the messenger). Black people are late, white people cant dance, and yes… Italian men love them some black women. It’s a legendary tale but if you have been a black woman in Italy… you’ve seen, felt it, and loved it. If you ever need an ego boost or even wondered what if felt like to be Kim Kardashian for a day… go to Italy.

My first experience as a Black Girl In Italy was straight out of college backpacking in Europe (yes, some black folks do it too). Everywhere I went in Venice, I would hear “bella…bella”. Sure it was nice at the beginning but after awhile the looks and stares began to make me feel like an object – a caged animal being stared at the zoo. I was such a spectacle on that trip I was asked 4 different times to take pictures with strangers. It’s odd, weird, flattering, and offensive all at the same time.

In 2007, I returned to Italy. On my first European tour, I fell in love with the country and knew I wanted to go back. So I went to Sorrento, a small beachy town in Southern Italy and stayed with an Italian family while I studied the language and wrote for 6 weeks. It was my first time traveling by myself. I was extremely excited and found the experience liberating but I was also curious, what about the moments when I didn’t want to be alone? How do you meet friends? But there I was, fresh from the airport on the train from Naples to Sorrento and a small Italian man was starring at me. His name was Danielle. He spoke perfect English and invited me to his “American Bar” in Sorrento. The next night, not knowing a soul in the city I went to Danielle’s bar and for the next six weeks it became my Peach Pit. Wherever I went, the men found me intriguing. Fabio, one of the bartenders in the bar, became my “personal tour guide” with trips to Positano on the back of his scooter and dinners at secluded restaurants in the hills. Nelo, a student moonlighting as an hotel concierge took me to Massa Lubrense and nightly walks in the city. I even had Phillip, a semi stalker while I was there. Phillip was nice and harmless but I swear to God he must of put some time of GPS system on me because whenever I was alone, he would show up on his scooter, with a flower asking questions about my day. Even when I took a weekend trip to Capri I met Giampero, the gorgeous owner of one of the oldest hotels on the Island.

All this attention happened when I wasn’t at my smallest or most fit. Even happened at time in my life when at the end of a bad relationship and I wasn’t the most confident.  At times the attention was aggressive and came when I wasn’t interested. Once I followed what seem to be a nice guy to a beach that only locals knew about. It was gorgeous but the Dude wouldn’t take no for answer. Too aggressive, I left but realized I wasn’t too sure how to get back to the city. Although it’s nice to cause heads to turn when the majority of the times in your life people don’t look twice, it became overwhelming. Honestly, a small part of me understood when gorgeous women complain about only being seen as objects and for not being the person that they are.

I returned back to the States with a confidence that I never had before. Often we question are worth when rejected. But rejection didn’t hit me so hard after my trip. Who cares if these damn American men aren’t excited about me, at least I know I got fans in Italy. In an odd way it reminded me that just because one person isn’t interested, doesn’t mean the next one is not. People’s taste and ideals of beauty vary; therefore what’s not cute to someone is the personification of perfection to another. The other night as a group of my girlfriends had dinner in an Italian restaurant, one of the waiters noticed my broken Italian and asked if I “needed someone to help me with the language”. Ahhh… You can take the man out of Italy but you can’t take Italy out of the man.

I have found memories of Italy. The liberation of traveling alone, the personal growth and yes… the men. Every black woman down on her luck felling underappreciated needs to plan a trip. I’m telling you… it’s worth it.

** I blogged during my time in Sorrento. Click HERE to read.  

"KEEP IT MOVIN, I'M GETTIN SOME" - NEW YEARS EVE, BEST FRIENDS, AND SEX

New Years Eve has always been a special holiday for me. In some ways it’s my favorite holiday. I love the fact that everybody is down to celebrate. Everyone is ready to party, get dressed up and have the time of their life. On the sentimental side, I love the idea of bringing in the New Year with the people that you love and want to share the next year with. It symbolizes the mystery of the year ahead and whom you want to enter the New Year with. That’s why I always love to spend it with my girlfriends.

 One New Years Eve, we took too long to actually plan something fabulous and ended up getting drunk and eating weed brownies. Anyone who knows me knows this was an odd celebration. No heels, no dress, no great dinner. Just weed, champagne and 10 grown women acting crazy. The great thing about New Years Eve is you have no idea what the night is going to bring and honestly this New Years Eve was one of the most memorable. Not because I was high out of my mind but for what happened in the middle of the night when essentially the party was over. At least I thought. Hours after we passed out my friend got a call from the guy she was dating. He was coming over after the club so she decided to wake me up, give me a blanket, and asked me to park it on the couch. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said at the time but I do remember waking up the next morning pissed. You’re going to wake up me, your girl, for some guy who has no shame in the fact that he’s coming over just to hit? It’s not that I’m a snob about where I sleep. Bed or couch, as long as I get to do what I’m there to do, sleep. The issue is that fact that moving me for literally 15 minutes of drunken sex is an option. Years, have gone by since this incident I’m still perplexed over the choice. Never wake up your girl. If sex is that important, have sex in the living room, kitchen, car, and bathroom wherever. Literally, my mind doesn’t even work like that. If I needed to have sex at the moment, I don’t think I would consider waking my friend. I’d probably have him pick me up or get real creative on finding our spot.

The problem is, I’m literally, the minority on this issue. Other girlfriends don’t see what the big deal is. “It’s just sex and she didn’t throw me out of the house”,  “All you had to do was sleep on the couch” have been various replies. But I guess my issue is, the choice. The fact that a man, or sex, depending how you look at it, has more priority over me. Sure, I’ve made stupid mistakes before and have chosen being with a man over my girls a couple of times but honestly, I’ve never been okay with this decision. In some ways, I believe that I have valued my friendships over my possible love relationships to a fault. One New Years Eve when I was actually in a serious relationship and went home with him for Christmas and returned back to LA early because I wanted to be at my friends impromptu wedding on New Years Eve. Sure, I missed him but I didn’t think it was right to choose this man, who I loved dearly but essentially only knew for months, over a special moment in my girlfriends life that I knew for years. Ironically, the girlfriend and I actually just patched things up after months of not speaking but still I thought it was right to be there. Sure, missing a wedding and kicking your girl out of the bed for sex aren’t necessarily comparable decisions but some reason getting kicked out of that bed has always bothered me. Today we laugh about it but I’m still in awe that the majority of my girls say they would do the same.

In ways I’m the most romantic of my friends but I’ve always found interesting how much we as a society value love and relationships. Especially me. My self worth is in question at the end of a relationship. Regardless of the love and support of friends and family, I question my progression in life when I’m not dating. Logically, it doesn’t make sense that our potential partners, even if we’ve been with them for years get top billing to our friends, family and careers. But we all do it in the name of love. I can’t speak for my friend but I would argue that the decision was based in the possibility of love- not just sex. She liked this guy and was invested in one day having a relationship with him.

Who knows…

Am I just a sensitive chick? Would you kick your friend out of the bed for a potential booty call?

IS IT POSSIBLE? CAN YOU ACTUALLY BE HAPPY SINGLE?!

I've reached a very... surreal... point in my life. I've been here before but it's not a space I arrive to often. Finally after a year of frustration, I'm at a point where I'm not at all worried about my love life. I don't think about when or where am I going to meet someone, is he interested? or will he call? The odd part of being settled in this moment is once I begin to notice my so called contentment... I freak out. I'm completely okay with my single status that I am freaked out that I am not freaked out! Have I gotten so comfortable with being alone that I no longer expect anything else? I've gotten so okay with being single that I prefer being here alone then dating someone that I am not extremely interested in or someone with an ounce of drama around them. Have I reached a place of contentment that mirrors surrender?  Hello... to the rest of my life alone. Without an extreme want to change my social life will it ever change?

I'm scared that I am not scared of being alone. 
* I know I am completely out of my mind but this is how my mind oddly works.*

Right now my dating life is completely barren. No possible prospects, not even the guy that can't take a hint that I'm not interested. Because it is sooo quiet... at times I feel like this obviously intended. Everytime I make a conscious effort to date, somthing disasterious happens. It's like God has made a decision for me. I aint suppose to be dating right now for whatever reason. But once my life coach (everyone should have one!) mentioned that people put more effort into thier careers then finding the right person to spend the rest of thier lives with. So I wonder, is finding a partner just as labor intensive as finding your dream job? Interesting enough, I feel like I arrived at this point in my life because I made a conscious effort to put my energy and focus on my career. Not that both can't happen at the same time but my love life doesn't feel as "controlled" as my career decisions can be. Am I crazy to think my love life will figure itself out without me having to do much work? I wouldn't do that with my career. Take a seat and wait for my dream job to show up. Am I out of my mind to think the same is possible when it comes to love? Should I put in the work in my dating life like I do with my career? Make a list of possible places to find a man? Hand my card out to possible prospects or network with the right people who possibly would know the kind of guy I am looking for? I mean, that just sounds crazy as I write it?! But guess what? I know plenty of people where that approached worked for them. They set out a date, made a list and found someone under thier intention (if you haven't seen it, there's a woman in texas that has planned a wedding and hopes to find a man by that time). But I would argue that approach is more about finding SOMEONE then finding the right person. And honestly, I am far from interested in finding just someone.

Am I an ill fated romantic that believes love is so invested with fate and timing that I don't need to do anything but wait for it to appear? 

Right now all I am doing is being the best version of myself. Completely invested in making my life what I want outside of my romantic pursuits. I can say I am 100% authentically myself. Isn't that all I can really do? I feel like my love life will follow whenever it damn well feels like it.

Am I enlightened or just too damn lazy?

MONTANA FISHBURNE - IT'S ALL ABOUT MY DADDY

A couple years ago, I was working on a book project regarding Black Women and the relationship with their fathers. When I started to talk to women about it they all had stories and willing to talk about it for hours. Regardless of the relationship with your father, good, bad, complicated, or absent, it’s shaped you as a woman in more ways then one. I can’t help but go back to the stories and the discussions during that time period when I read about Montana “Chippy D” Fishburne and her new career as a porn star. Oddly with Fishburne as a last name and one of the most respected actors in the game as her father, Chippy D believes porn is her way in to becoming a star. As transparent as it is, this decision has nothing to do with being an actress or fame. When other women have just ignored their father or write them a letter when they are mad, Montana has decided to make a public plea for attention. I doubt that Montana herself is aware, but this is all about Daddy. Who knows the details of their relationship but Montana is mad. And she’s probably not even aware how upset she is. Her public act to show him how much she doesn’t need him is only highlighting how much more she needs his guidance and attention.

But a woman’s relationship with her father goes far beyond just her decisions with sex and dating. It can shape your career decisions, your relationship with money, and even your relationship with your own mother. In some ways, I would argue this one relationship could be more detrimental then a woman’s connection with her mother.  While a woman’s relationship with her mother is often valued as unconditional, a woman’s self worth is often derivates from her father. If Daddy is in the home or not he is often the disciplinarian, the one who tells you if you have been good or not. While men are raised to become a “man” and determine who they are outside of their family, women are often raised to value her father’s beliefs. Even when a father isn’t present in a woman’s life, the absence itself carries a direct correlation to her worth. Why he is or isn’t around is internalized to be about her.

I am far from a scholar on this subject, just a woman deeply connected to my relationship with my father. The good bad and the ugly of it. Without even meeting Montana, I’m empathetic to her struggle to be her own person outside who her father is. The only problem is, she’s making decisions she’s only going to regret publicly. And especially at her age, she needs him so much more then she wants to admit. If it is at all possible, lets try not to make this girl a joke. Instead, see her as an example of how important a man’s role is in his daughter’s life. Men, hug your daughters and hold her close. Women, look at how your relationship with that first man in your life has shaped you. If it’s caused any struggle or pain please address it. Unfortunately, as Montana is going to learn, it doesn’t just go away. 

WHAT DOES YOUR DATING PREFERENCES SAY ABOUT YOU?

Only recently I realized I like big men. Not really fat (though I have been there before) but men of “size”. The only problem is they have to also work out. Not crazy work out but value getting off the couch and being active. I also don’t like skinny men, short men, and men who have too much power. I love men who are creative, entrepreneurial, value family, love to travel, men who are social and like to read.

Preference:

 1: the power or opportunity of choosing


2: one that is preferred


3: the act, fact, or principle of giving advantages to some over others

As I look at my choices, those that I give advantages to over others, I realize they have a lot more to do with me then the man that I am looking for. If anyone took the time to examine what I like they could probably learn more about my past experiences then I would like them to know. Pretty much my preferences show what I value. And what I value comes from experiences that I had that I enjoyed as well as those moments that I never plan to experience again (Tip # 1: Never date a broke rapper). The problem is, our preferences are not only reflections of what we have experienced but also more importantly reflections of what we interpreted from the experience. Are you following? Two people can have the same experience but interpret it in two different ways. Happens all the time with siblings. Siblings can experience divorce. One learns to value a strong marriage- the type of marriage their parents didn’t have while the other values autonomy-never having to rely on other only to be disappointed. My point is when your preferences are all about you, how important are they to dating? Can our thoughts about our past, block us from our future?

I know I don’t like standing next to a skinny or small man. It makes me uncomfortable on many levels. It all goes back to what I feel about my size and never liking to feel like “the big girl”. Is it safe to say that I couldn’t be happy in a relationship with a man a few inches shorter then me? I like men who are creative, often men who have unconventional careers. Again, I think this choice is all about feeling safe in my choice to be a writer. Am I overlooking a possible great relationship with a CPA?

On the other side, your preferences also show what works for you. Regardless of where they come from, you know it’s what makes you comfortable so why order Salmon when you know you don’t like fish? I know dating a Republican is just not going to work for me.  I don’t respect their values and more importantly, what the hell would we agree on?

 My point is, what does your preferences say about you? Which of them are trivial and which ones of them really do matter when it comes to finding a suitable partner? So often are preferences are established from fear then really about lifestyle and morals. I recently met a woman who won’t date men who can’t dress. She went out on a date with a guy who wore a trench coat. With a belt. Inspector Gadget and it wasn’t Halloween. Sure, I get it, not sure I’d be excited to go out with him again but really… the jacket comes off. Does knowing how to dress have anything to do with what makes a great partner?

Check it out for yourself. What are your preferences that you can’t live without and what are the ones that you might give a pass to?

Maybe I should be open to dating a Republican… Um, no….maybe I should not.