LIFE AND LOVE INSPIRATIONS FROM WOODY ALLEN'S MIDNIGHT IN PARIS

Don’t you love it when you see a film and it speaks directly to you? Somehow, you see the film right at the exact moment you are searching for some clarity. This is what happened when I saw Woody Allen’s new film Midnight In Paris on Saturday night. Lately, my workload has been a little daunting. It’s not that I necessarily have a lot to do at this present moment but being a writer and producer on multiple projects at different stages has just left me a lil confused and hazy with my focus. I’m not sure what each day requires of me and instead of taking the time to make a plan I just react to what is asked of me. Never a good situation. As though things seem in the right place, I’ve just been left coming home in the evening not sure what to do next. The busier I become the less I give myself the time to think. I know that sounds crazy but as a writer, I need at least two to three hours a day by myself.

After spending the last year and a half in front of my computer moving from café to café, having to show up and work in an office day to day is still a transition I’m having a hard time getting use to. When being quiet and by myself is part of what I need to create, after spending 9 hours in a room with multiple people asking questions and plenty of meetings to attend, a lot of my “create” time has been pushed to the evenings.

Coming home after work and having the space and the option to do more work I have realized is an asset. A realization that is terrifying and comforting. Whoever I ended up with will have to understand how crucial and important alone time is to not only my career but also my sanity. He doesn’t have to be an artist or work in a creative field but he has to understand what I do and how I think, is a little unconventional.  You see, sometimes that “work” that I need after my 9 to 5 could be watching a movie, sitting in silence, listening to a specific cd, being on my computer or even going to a particular place and listening to people talk. All of it is damn bizarre but it’s crucial and whomever I end up dating is going to have to understand that. There are some days that I’m actually able to get all my work done during the day and like every other normal person, my evening is for relaxing but those days can’t be scheduled or predicted.

Midnight In Paris, a film about Gil, a successful screenwriter writing the novel he always wanted while visiting Paris with his fiancé, confirmed dating a writer is the job for a remarkable person. Someone able to see beyond the tangible and present. Gil’s fiancé Ines thinks his dream of moving to Paris and writing is crazy and doesn’t make any sense when he is making millions rewriting films and living in Malibu. When he wants to walk the streets at night in the rain, she finds him silly and irrational. 

You see, the person who dates a writer has to not only understand our odd antidotes but really truly value art over commerce. Any artist will tell you, even the crazy rich ones, it’s not the money that we are chasing but more importantly validation for our work and creation. And receiving that comes at the cost of wanting and seeking great work.  Sometimes the cost of great work is not going out and being social. Sometimes we have to do the opposite of everyone else.

Midnight In Paris reminded me how important it is to listen to your dreams and desires. They were given to you for a reason. At the end of the movie when Gil finally breaks up with his bitchy girlfriend, life immediately falls in place. He is reacquainted with a woman he met at the flea market over a Cole Porter record and she happily walks in the rain with him, the one thing his ex girlfriend refused to do.

Finding the right person is never hard. It’s actually effortless and perfect. Like the commitment to being a writer; you must stay dedicated to being with the right person even when it seems impossible. Because one day, at the right time and the right place, it will all come together so serendipitous, everything before that moment no longer matters. 

INFIDELITY AND MARRIAGE - DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHO YOU'RE WITH?

One of the most heated conversations my friends and I get into has to do with cheating. I don’t believe in most situations, it's a revelation the wife had no idea was coming. Most of the time we saw it coming and chose to ignore it. Not at all do I believe ANYONE, man or woman deserves to be cheated on OR do I believe cheating is ok. I just believe that we as women more often then not choose to ignore the signs that point to our man cheating. Men who sleep with anything and everything when they are single are most likely going to sleep with anything and everything when they are married.

For most women, getting married equals to a life of monogamy. I don’t believe all men assume the same. Unfortunately, saying “ I do” in front of a group of friends and family doesn’t mean a man (or a woman really) is making the decision to sleep with one person for the rest of his life. Therefore when it comes to marriage we not only have to talk to our partners about monogamy we also have to take a logical and rational look at their actions and behaviors that they will inevitably bring into the marriage regardless if we like them or not.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a pig and deserves the criticism and the lost of trust he now has to deal with from his wife and kids. But on the other hand, I don’t believe Arnold all of sudden switched up on Maria and decided one day his housekeeper looked good. I’m not saying she allowed this to happen, I’m just suggesting there was probably a couple of instances that pointed to the probability of him having another child she chose to ignore.

We all should have a close friend we can trust to give us the real when it comes to choosing a life partner. The greatest advantage and fault that comes with love is that it’s an endorphin rush. The life you see ahead of you with the one you love is optimistic, full of love, respect and support. Because we don’t consider the hardships or the rocky moments we all need that friend who is able to give us a logical and rational outlook. I told a friend she had every right to sit me down and tell me everything that I wasn’t looking at in regards to the man I wanted to marry. She was willing to take on the responsibility but she didn’t think anything she had to say or anyone else would matter at that moment. Honestly, she’s probably right.

What I do know is when it comes to marriage, a lot of us women are more interested in the wedding, the parties and the fantasy of finally having a man instead of really considering what it means to be attached to this one person for the rest of our lives. With infidelity being a top reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce it’s just silly to not consider what happens if our partner cheats and how it could affect the relationship.

But that would make too much sense right? And when it comes to love, who wants to think rational? 

A WRITER'S LIFE COMES FULL CIRCLE - finding career success in the one place I pushed away

I’ve been a writer before I was actually able to write. My parents gave me a beat up typewriter to keep me busy when I was a toddler (guess their weren’t any stuff animals around) so therefore my fascination with words began. As much as writing has been apart of my identity for over nearly 30 years, this year my journey has taken me to a place that I never thought I would be, oddly a place that not only makes sense but feels as if I’ve arrived at the one place I was being prepared for.

After years, of pushing away from being a substantial part of my father’s advertising agency, I am working there leading an initiative to develop and produce original content for the web. For years, I saw advertising as a limited structure that didn’t support the stories I wanted to tell the way film and television did. As I writer, I was lucky enough to have a place to work at from time to time but I purposely kept my role there limited, not fully committing to the business. But now with the surge of branded content, product placement, and new media, my love for story telling and innate understanding of marketing have become beneficial to the business more than ever. For the first time, the two disciplines that I understood but saw separately are working together in a new way. Only a year ago, my resume confused people.  No one knew what do you do with a resume that included film, television and commercial writing and production. Now my skills are not only beneficial but are seen as extremely unique. Here I am after years of running, I am doing exactly what I set out to do in one place I never thought could make it possible.

Though I have gotten to a place where writing and creating is paying the bills, I am still staying dedicated to working on my own projects. At the end of last year, before I started working at the agency, I decided to write a story that I wanted to tell.  I got sick of considering if my idea was marketable, what studios could be interested, and all of the other fallible considerations that I have spent years wondering about as a developed a script.  Instead I wrote a simple story exploring the grey areas of love because I wanted to. I decided I would get a group of friends, shoot on a low budget and put it up on the web. But the more that I worked on the project I started to consider that I was playing small. I had made the decision that my project wouldn’t be of interest to anyone else but what if I actually had something special? Something that could change the way people viewed multicultural characters and more importantly challenge the realms of stories worthy of being told? What if I believed I wrote something worthy of gaining the attention of others who didn’t know me and just wanted to be apart of good work?  So instead of playing small, I started to play strategic. I found a producing partner I started to create a business plan that included my understanding and relationships in advertising. I reached out beyond just my friends and sent my work to recognizable directing and acting talent. Now less than six months later, I am in a position that I never imagined I could be in having to decide between multiple actors and directors with a strong desire to be apart of my little project. This is after my manager read it and dismissed it, after a writer friend told me that playing “big” on the web was useless. Honestly, for the first time, I didn’t consider what others though and went forward with my idea. And it’s paying off in a huge way.

Right now, creatively I am flowing and it feels great. I writing at the agency, producing my own web project and was only hired as a writer on a documentary project. If that wasn’t enough, I am still developing new ideas and have committed to my writing mentor two new features this year. Recently, I was contacted by a producer to develop a remake of a film that I really like and believe in.

 I’m busy. Really busy, but honestly, as much as it all can get overwhelming at times, for the first time in my life I have a strong committed confidence that isn’t worried about how, when, or if – I just do what I need to do. It feels manageable and possible only because I believe it is. 

Early last year, when I was training for a half marathon, I noticed my body would fall into a pattern in my long runs. In the first three miles, I hated every step. My knees hurt, my mind would think about every other thing I could be doing. I’d come up with excuses why I shouldn’t’ be running and think about all of the long hard miles ahead of me.

Somewhere around the 5^th or 6th mile, my body would begin to loosen up.  I’d be able to actually think about other things without even really recognizing how many miles I had left in the run. Minutes later, I would be around the 8^th or 9^th mile falling into “The Zone”: a deep mental consciousness similar to meditation. I’d forget about the miles behind me, not concerned with the miles ahead. Deeply present and focused with my current stride, while preparing to move harder and faster. The focus was intense, passionate, and unshakeable. I feel like I’m in the exact same place with my writing career, I’m In The Zone- effortlessly committing to the hard work required to achieve my goals without any concern with what happened in the past or worried about what’s going to happen in the future. I’m here. I’m now. Stronger, more equipped and skilled than ever before.

Oddly, my comfort with my career has also influenced ease in my dating life. I’m no longer dating online and have pulled back from the “search”. I think for many the pursuit of dating comes from a place of lack.  Especially women, we consider being in a relationship as the beginning of life, the measure of success and advancement. But the truth is, life is happening in every moment and relationships are only PART of the journey. I think the best place to be when it comes to love is a place of balance. You have to be truly happy by yourself but also somehow still open to meeting someone. Being content and single but still open is a hard one for me. Not sure if I am fully there but I am definitely close. Where I am  with my writing teaches me that if you put in the hard work and the dedication, God takes care of the details. 

Why White Women AND BLACK WOMEN are winning And everything else UPTOWN MAGAZINE refused to mention

Apparently, black women and white women are in some competition. Whoever gets to the alter first is smarter and knows how to play the game.  According to the article Why White Women Are Winning Uptown Magazine published last Friday, the reason that I am still single has everything to do with the fact that I don’t behave enough like a white woman. As the author Andrea Michelle sees it, white women look for a husband in college, value marriage more than blacks, and know how to treat their men without attitude or challenge. And all three of those reasons are reasons that white women get married more than black women. What I need to know is when did my love life became a competitive sport and more importantly why?

Of course all three factors were listed purely based on the writers assumptions and not followed by any statistics or factual information. Its true, white women statistically get married more than black women but I’m not sure if we really can name these reasons as why. How bout the history of African Americans in the United States? Education? Poverty? Or the overall fact that Americans as a whole are not getting married and staying married as they use to?  Although most of the reasons that Andrea states are comparisons made between African American and White American women for years it’s just thoughtless to list those reasons as solutions to the thousands of black women worried about the probability of finding a partner. When did black women become so monolithic that we all suffer from the same issues? And when seeing others with the same blanket racial prejudices we face become okay? 

For black women and white women, making finding a husband a priority at an early age doesn’t guarantee marriage and more importantly a good one. What bothers me the most about this article, (aside from the racist and baseless racial assumptions) is the belief that the act of marriage alone makes one person superior over an other. When I was 23, my Canadian struggling actor boyfriend who I knew no more than 2 months proposed to me. If I married him, I would have been married to a deeply insecure man with anger issues. But according to Andrea, “when it comes to playing for the ultimate title of wife, white women are the All Star MVPs”. So does that mean if I chose being trapped in an abusive marriage with a couple kids would I be idolized on a pedestal as well?

 What happened to being in a healthy and productive relationship? Finding someone who loves you and supports you? Placing getting married alone as the ultimate goal in life is damaging to women as a whole and takes us back 50 years ago when women got married simply because they needed someone to take care of them. Our grandmothers and mothers fought for us, regardless of race, to have options in life and marriage is one of them.

I have lived with two white girlfriends.  We shared dating horror stories love victories and heartbreaks. We are all still single and none of us see our love life as some racial sporting game. Honestly their love life hasn’t been any “better” than mine. We are all women interested in finding the right person for us and know that search comes with bumps and bruises along the way. Though it’s ignorant to believe race doesn’t affect my love life in Los Angeles, I don’t believe if I studied the behavior of my white counterparts my love life would miraculously change for the better. Sure our struggles as women are different because of our racial experience and culture but our life is our own- so individually identified it’s just crazy to compare.

Andrea Michelle then gives the example of a white friend in college who said “Well, if I don’t find my husband in undergrad I will just go to grad school – that’s what my mom told me”. Andrea Michelle uses this quote to illustrate that white women as a whole are getting married before black women because they are simply planning ahead. The quote is an example of a woman who is interested in getting married more than building a career but unfortunately, there are plenty of black women who feel the same way. We all got black girlfriends and family members who have never been interested in going to college or even getting a job. Gold diggers and women looking for a Mrs. Degree come in all shapes and sizes.

The author then asks “at what point, should pursuing an Mrs. take precedent over building professional success?” This is a great question that all women should ask themselves. But again this question has nothing to do with race, but more importantly has to do with the struggle between career and family that all educated women seem to face. There are plenty of white women that are just like me, pursuing her dreams, living her life to the fullest in hopes of finding the right partner for her along the way. And there have been plenty of black women married with professional careers balancing their job and family. With high divorce rates and less people getting married all over the world, there are plenty of white women struggling to find love in their thirties (Have we forgotten about Sex And The City, Lori Gottlieb, or Jennifer Aniston) and do not see getting married as the answer to all of life’s problems.

There are plenty of black women that are single because they have an attitude, don’t believe in marriage, and come from broken homes and there are white women who are single because they choose the wrong men, stay in abusive relationships and couldn’t flirt themselves out of a getting a parking ticket if they needed to. The point I am making is our issues are our own, and comparing oranges and apples ain’t going to get us closer to figuring them out.

So if I wanted to be like Andrea and write an article based on assumptions from my own life experience, I could argue a completely different reality. When looking at the 12 women that I am close to and hang out with on a regular basis, three of them are white and nine are black. Of the three that are white, none of them are married when six of my nine black girlfriends are. Apparently the relationships that surround me affect my own beliefs when it comes to love and marriage. As far as I’m concerned black women have every opportunity to be married and in successful relationships as white women. My black friends that are married are married because they want to and because they found the right person at the right time in their lives. The truth is we are in control of our lives, not statistics or silly racist assumptions.  

So Uptown Magazine, it’s not just white women who are winning - it’s strong women who stay committed to what they want in their lives regardless of the thought and opinions of others. It’s the women who build their own life structure based on their own needs and personal values who are the champions in my eyes. And all women, regardless of the cultural and racial struggles that we all independently face, has the opportunity to do so. 

GIVING UP THE CHASE

I've been doing a lot of dating lately. But in some ways it's been almost more frustrating than those points in my life where my social life was pretty bare. Even with all the dates, I don't think I've encountered the right one for me. So many women (I've been one of them) use the excuse that men in LA are not looking for a relationship or there aren't any good one's out there. Not true at all. Even for the doomed professional black woman that apparently no one wants. I've gone out with multiple attractive, career oriented and respectful men looking for that special someone. But what I'm learning is the issue with dating really isn't about statistics of the population of men and women in one city. It's a personal journey simply wrapped around finding the right person at the right time in your life.

Again, as much as it's comforting to believe it will all work out when it's suppose to, as a recovering control freak it's extremely frustrating to know there really ain't nothing you can do about it. You can't compare your life to others or see your current life as a mirror of your future. You got to live your life dedicated to your own happiness. If it's personal health goals, spiritual growth, career advancement, travel or taking on a new hobby, you have to build your life around what you need to stay happy. One thing that I have learned from my past relationships and from observing the relationships of others is that finding a life partner doesn't all of a sudden take away your burdens. Depressed people without relationships end up being depressed people in relationships. Happiness and progression is really only up to you in all periods of your life.

This morning I read this letter from God posted by Arielle Ford on The Daily Love Blog. Seemed fitting.

Dear One,

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively, but I say “No.”  Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, will you be ready to have the intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you.  You will never be united with anyone or anything else until you are united with Me. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and start allowing Me to give you the most thrilling plan in existence – one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best.  Please, allow Me to bring it to you.

You must keep watching Me expecting the greatest of things.  Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.  Keep listening and learning the things that I will tell you.  Just wait.  That’s all.  Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things others have or that I have given them.  Don’t look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you.  And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you have dreamed of.

You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. This is Perfect Love.

 And Dear One, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer.  Know that I love you utterly.  Believe it and be satisfied.

Love,

God

DOES ANYONE WANT TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

“The problem is, the only thing I can do with this is send it to B.E.T”

That was my sometime lit manager’s response to my latest project. Of course this comment came after telling me that it was strong and provocative writing piece but because my two lead characters where described as African American, immediately there was only one place in the market for it. For anyone who has watched B.E.T’s original programming would know that my script, the story of a conflicted couple exploring an open marriage, with or without black characters doesn’t fit into the networks line up.

As a black woman growing up in a very multicultural world my life and perspectives are full of various colors and cultures. Because of that, the majority of the work I write often has nothing to do with “being black” but happens to have black characters. BUT according to Hollywood, seeing a black person on screen alienates outside audiences. When Will Smith took the lead in Hitch, determining the race of his love interest was a huge deal. Two black characters would have made it a “black movie”, a white lead would piss people off, therefore a Latina woman (Eva Mendes) became the best of both worlds. Even though Hitch was a commercial success, we haven’t really seen a romantic comedy with an ethnic cast since.

For every argument that race alienates, there is the huge blanketing example that a white cast equals mainstream. Everyone can relate to the lives of white folks but ethnic people make it race specific. So of course two black people in love automatically becomes only culturally relevant to black people so but somehow two white people in love is a movie for everyone. As a teenager I feel in love with Julia Roberts and My Best Friends Wedding. As an adult struggling with heartbreak I identified with Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I wonder how many white people have seen Love Jones and was able to identify with the complications of falling in love?

When are black people or any other race going to be held to the same standards? When is the rest of the world going to see our stories just as relevant, just as important as theirs? Oddly in our “post racial world” interracial relationships are more celebrated then the possible love of two people of the same race. Why does it have to be one or the other?

Faced with this predicament a lot more then I would like to admit, I erase the race description of the my lead characters and the story moves on without any change. But as much as that is the cure to dispel any judgment my script can face when being read, does it really help the situation I face as a black writer? The truth is, the stories that I do write are not racial or cultural specific so taking race out of it is only a formality but why do I feel like I’m taking the easy way out? My good friend, a successful TV writer reminds to “play the game” and another friend a development executive reminds me that wanting to work is different than fighting a cause. I’m not interested in fighting any cause; I’m just a struggling writer who dreamingly believes there is room for the stories that I have to tell. If Nancy Myers can brilliantly write about middle aged women why can’t I write about a black woman in her 30’s struggling to balance love and career?

Of course, the main and most important difference between Nancy Myers and me is a career. I just hope that being uniquely who I am is strong enough to actually build one.

REMEMBRANCE OF LESSONS ALREADY LEARNED

I wasn’t happy everyday when I was single… why would I expect that when I’m married?”

That’s Scott’s, my lead character in my latest project response when his therapist asks if he’s happily married. Like many writers, my characters’ dialogue is a direct reflection of my own perspectives. But even after having written that dialogue only a couple weeks earlier, it was my friend’s relationship woes that reminded me that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Sure it’s a simple and rational lesson but I think single life often helps us forget that. Somehow the pairing of your life with another becomes the remedy for loneliness and wandering purpose but sometimes with that pairing we trade independence for companionship and silence for complication.

 As my friend discussed her own issues I heard hints of anger. She didn’t say it but I can tell part of her complaints of her own relationship were purposeful backlashing to my numerous phone calls about bad dates and aversions to being the third wheel. 

“ Sometimes being in a relationship isn’t the answer. Sometimes, it can be the problem”. 

As much as she was mad at him, a part of her was mad at me for being single and having the freedom to be unhappy about it.

I got off the phone with the revelation about my own beliefs- Relationships and finding love is only PART of the story. If you took all of the pieces of our lives, the memories of what is good and substantial, our relationships, the goods ones and the bad ones are only part of the picture that makes up our lives.

People fall in love, out of love, fight, struggle, feel complete, become lost, and do it all over again and again. Finding love and being in a relationship is sometimes no different than being single – just a stage of life that we all hope to experience.

That conversation with my girlfriend just reminded me of the crazy expectations we create and make up. Life doesn’t owe us anything other than the experience. That’s it. Our only duty is to make the best of it.

Not that long ago, the option of being single until meeting the “right” person was a luxury for us all. Women got married because that’s what they were supposed to do. They had children because everyone else was doing it. But today we get to explore who we are beyond the titles of wife and mother and still have the option of taking on those titles if and when we want to.

As much as Scott’s dialogue sounds cynical, I see him as the romantic in the marriage. He doesn’t expect anything out of his marriage other than the opportunity to be with the woman he loves for the rest of his life. He chooses her when he’s bored, when sex isn’t great, and when life couldn’t be anymore perfect. He’s not married to an expectation; he’s married to her and only her.

If only the majority of people viewed marriage that way. Less people would do it and more people who actually get it right. 

STILL HERE

This year has been good to me work wise which has made it a lil hard for me to stay consistent with the blog. I'm working on getting better with that. But all in all, I'm still here in love with love and writing daily.

Below is Bright Eyes "First Day Of My Life" Video. A good friend sent me this song on a compilation CD a couple years ago and instantly feel in love. Recently, I found the video on you tube and somehow have feel in love with the song 10 times more.

As a writer and creator this video inspires me because sometimes we spend soo much time trying to be "innovative" and "original" when most times its the pure and simple concepts that say it all.

Enjoy.

COULD IT BE THE HAIR?! Has going natural ruined my dating life?

It’s been over a year since I decided to cut off all my hair and go natural. It wasn’t for any particular reason other than at that point in my life, I needed to start over. And here I am stumped by the most obvious and literal question:

Has going natural changed my love life?

A good friend of mine asked me the question over dinner as if it warranted an effortless response but I sat silenced. Honestly, I don’t think I had really thought about how my hair could be hurting or helping my dating life until that very moment. It’s definitely a true fact that dating has been far from easy the last two years, but did that have to do with age and maturity or could it simply be because of my hair?

I had always worn my hair short so I was never one of those girls that believed long tresses equaled attractiveness. I always viewed women with short hair strong and independent but I have had a relaxer religiously (minus the summers in braids) since the 6^th grade. Just like the majority of black women, Saturdays were made for the salon. Two hours or five, it was just apart of my life. If I wanted to spend my Saturday doing something else, I sacrificed looking busted. I grew tired of the hours, tired of the money, and more importantly, I was bored. After a bad break up I was desperate to feel like I was appropriately starting over. Cutting my hair just seemed like the most logical and easy answer to giving me something new.

I remember the morning I did it. Going natural was something I was considering but all the blogs and personal stories could never prepare me for the actual experience. I was very clear and aware of what I was asking for when I told my hairstylist to just cut if off but what I wasn’t prepared for was my own reaction to the woman in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of how much my own self-esteem and self worth was tied into my hair until it was gone. There I was with nearly an inch of curls and all I could think of was how ugly I am. I sat in my car wanting to cry but I couldn’t let myself do it. Crying wasn’t going to bring my hair back. On the opposite end of the despair and regret, I couldn’t deny this odd sense of freedom. I didn’t have to be worried about being pretty or accepted. There I was, in some ways more naked than with clothes off. Knowing that people could have negative reactions gave me the freedom and opportunity to be authentically me. I knew at that moment I was given a rich opportunity for self-appreciation that I had to take. The only way rocking a little teeny-weeny fro was going to work was if I believed in it. If I thought I was ugly, everyone else was going to follow me. But if I rocked it with confidence and killer swag people had no option but to consider I knew something that they didn’t. In an instant I was given the option to carry a huge amount of pride and self-love that I have never had before.

Through out the next year, cutting my hair and going natural became one of the most important decisions in my life. I was forced to love myself in a way never fully expressed. My self-esteem jumped 10 times and the beauty I found in myself moved beyond if my hair was straight enough or if I was able to get to the salon before having somewhere to go. I began to truly appreciate what God gave me from my roots, to my hips, all the way to my toes.  My whole perception of what I can do and what I am able to accomplish has changed. I shine brighter, walk taller, and laugh louder. So when it comes to my dating life, I would be a fool to think that being a big booty brown skin girl with a fro in LA doesn’t make me less appealing to most men in this city but what experience teaches us is quantity doesn’t always equal quality.

There are moments where I consider relaxing again. I even have those moments of self-loathing and even consider approaching my dating life like I would approach getting a job- get a long weave, lose 40 pounds, and go to every Hollywood event I could think of. But going that route means believing something is wrong with the person I am now. Sure, some nights get lonely and some days I’m convinced that God has chosen me to be by myself for the rest of my life but in all honesty, the self-love and appreciation that I have found over the last year and a half is so priceless I’m unwilling to give it up.

So yes, I have chosen the difficult road but I can’t help but believe what I will gain along the way is much more than I could have ever imagined. 

Timothy Bloom - Til The End Of Time

I love this video. The imagery is so simple and so pure. LOVE. That's all it is.

The Ever Changing Mr. Perfect - A Sign Of Maturity Or Settling For The Basics?

I used to be able to close my eyes and tell you exactly what he looked like. Tall (6’2 to 6’4) athletic, but far from skinny, dark, great smile, deep voice, loves to travel, has lived overseas, knows the difference between a Sangiovese and a Chateauneuf du Pape, knows the music history of Syl Johnson and Leonard Cohen, has a strong hand shake, a great laugh, fantastic friends, inspired by art and motivated by sports. He loves hosting dinner parties just as much as I do and argues public policies with the same vigor and intelligence as he can argue Usher’s dancing abilities versus Chris Brown’s. And the more importantly, he loves to hold my hand just as much as he loves to tell everyone how important I am to him.

For years he has sat in my mind vivid, clear and as far as I was concerned just as eager to find me as I was of him. But lately when I close my eyes I don’t see him with the same clarity.  These days I have no idea what the guy I will finally end up will look like, and honestly, I don’t really care as long as I love him and he loves me.  He no longer has to love dinner parties, he just needs to support my love for them. And if he doesn’t want to argue politics, I think I’m actually ok with that too. My perfect man checklist has gotten much shorter.  As long as he loves his career, loves his family, wants children, and committed to having a relationship with me is really all that matters. But I wonder… is my dwindling list of prerequisites a sign of maturity or I am finally beaten down by the constant let down of dating and settling for the basics?

As I discussed with my mother the fact that my girlfriends and I were dating men nothing like what we all essentially said we wanted, I expressed notions of fear and worry when she saw we were all finally growing up. As she saw it, the more you realize perfection doesn’t exist; the more you are able to actually stay in a relationship.  But I wonder is this actual sage advice or a fearful mother trying to influence her spinster daughter to finally hurry up and settle down?

Of course this conversation made me think of Lori Gottlieb, the author of “Marry Him” who proclaims that Mr. Good Enough is the best that it’s ever going to be. Mr. Good Enough is far from the dreams of Mr. Perfect but Mr. Good Enough is tangible, real, and has all the virtues of what makes the perfect partner. The interesting fact is the perfect partner in most cases is the exact opposite of what makes the perfect man.

During an interview with the Today Show in 2008, Lori describes that she learned “I was too picky about the things that didn’t matter but not picky enough about the things that would matter”. But my question is, how do you know the difference between what doesn’t matter and what will matter?

Today, I’m looking for someone who has similar spiritual beliefs. I would love to explore spirituality with whom ever he is but how do I know if his respect for my own spiritual path is all that I will eventually matter? Right now I find myself intrigued by men who work in industries other then the status quo. I like to be curious about the work that he does. More importantly, I love the spark in his eye when he talks about his career and his thirst to strive in his own profession. Men who simply have a “9 to 5” and don’t connect to their work in the same way have never stimulated me but how do I know if I will only care for this now and years later all that will matter is that the bills are paid?

It’s like that scene in Up In The Air. After breaking up with her boyfriend Anna Kendrick’s character gives a long list of what she needs in a man. When she turns to Vera Farmiga, Vera lists only three things- ending on the simplicity of a nice smile. As you get older all the fanfare you thought you needed becomes irrelavant and the virtues that once felt too simple become the focal point.

There are still  a few things that I am not able to compromise on when it comes to finding the right guy. The most important is an unwavering desire to want to be with me. That possibly could be the first sign of anyone's Mr. Perfection. 

Why Tracy McMillan Is Right- It's Time To Look In The Mirror

Tracy McMillan is smart, honest, and on point.  On Valentine's Day she wrote an article for The Huffington Post letting every woman know exactly "Why You Are Still Single". She's pointed out what a lot of women are not ready to hear - when we have suffered a string of failed relationships or have gone years without a date, the majority of the time the issue is us, not them. She lists six reasons from being materialistic to being just a plain bitch. What she alludes to but doesn’t mention is we all have our own issues to work through and if we haven’t been able to hold down a relationship when we actually want to, it's time to take a long hard look in the mirror. I wrote a similar post myself last year in August (The Reason You Are Single) pointing out the same sentiment - s0 many of us are so quick to blame our issues on someone else. But what I think many women are having issue with after reading Tracy’s article is the idea that we have to change if we want to be married. And the truth is we do! 

The institution of marriage wasn't created for two equal people with careers and full lives to love and cherish each other. It was made so that a man didn't have to take care of his daughters forever. A man would come take her off his hands and she would take care of him and give him a bunch of babies. (Please read, I Don't by Susan Squire)  Throughout the years, marriage became about love and through the feminist movement women began to establish our own ideals about marriage, careers and motherhood. Now we make up our own rules but the unfortunate part is that we have expected marriage to change just as much as we have. I think it's just becoming to catch up to us. 

All this to say is we have to understand our ideals as single women do not easily translate to what it means to be in a partnership. And the same rules apply to men. Being married and being single require two different mindsets, therefore if you are looking to be married, it's time to do the hard work and figure out why the hell you are still single. 

What I do love about Tracy's article that many women who disagree have seem to miss is Tracy admits marriage isn’t the dreamy fantasy that many want to believe. As she points out, 

"Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to".

So many of the things that us career minded independent women refuse to do are the virtues that actually make the idea of marriage work. We are not happy every single day or our single lives, not sure why we expect to be in bliss every single day when it comes to being in a relationship. Some of us don’t need to be married and that is more than ok. These days we are so blessed to have marriage as a choice, not a need.  Our lives might end up being more fulfilled if we begin to create them for who we actually are then following the status quo. 

For those that want and need to be married, we need to look in the mirror and truly answer, why we still single. For me that answer is much more extensive than the standard “I just haven’t met the right guy”.  I‘m just beginning to become the right girl able and willing to meet the right guy. The more that becomes more established everything else becomes much more easier to deal with.  

VALENTINE'S DAY SUCKS

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yay.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty crappy. After a couple drinks of sangria, I allowed myself to get caught up in a little unnecessary drama. Some how all the wisdom and maturity acquired over the years flew out the window and I reverted back to my early 20’s when “giving someone a piece of my mind” was the perfect and only way to communicate. But of course we forget what it feels like to wake up the next morning knowing you were an ass. And then of course I decided to schedule a dentist appointment at the crack of dawn.  While everyone is looking forward to surprise gestures of love and affection, I’ve allowed some woman to drill in my mouth for an hour. So today, I hate Valentine’s Day.

Once again, I feel left behind. As everyone around me begins to settle into relationships, marriage and babies, I’m still trying to figure out how to keep a relationship going more than one month.  This year Valentine’s Day feels like 24 hours created to remind me of everything that I want and don’t have when it comes to love. But then, I can’t help but remember that I actually use to love this day. And that wasn’t too long ago. Valentine’s Day especially in grade school was about celebrating my friends. I took that tradition into high school and even into my 20’s, regardless of whom I was dating, I got a big group together and we celebrated each other and the possibility of love. But now the idea of Valentine’s Day is filled with so much heavy expectation and false meaning that there’s just not any room for fun anymore. So in hopes of getting out of my love hating mood, I made a list of all the great things that come from love that are currently in my life. Just because I’m not in love doesn’t mean that I’m not surrounded by it every single and more importantly love and romance, although currently not present in my life, is far from dead.  So in celebration of Saint Valentine I honor the following:

The love between my parents that has lasted over 35 years

The love and joy surrounding my best friend’s pregnancy

The abundance of blessings I have been given through my friendships throughout the years

My brother’s approaching wedding and his new family

And the gorgeous sunshine that Los Angeles is getting in the middle of February.

At the end of the day, in or out of love, I am still one lucky gal.

More Music Obsession

There's nothing to say...it speaks for itself.

Music Obsession

I've been finding some really great music lately. Anyone who knows me knows that music is just as important to me as writing. Here's the latest song that just makes me want to dance and smile.

He's Just Not That Into You - Dealing With The End Before The Beginning

Man, dating is not for the faint at heart. And as you get older it just seems to get a little more difficult staying open to new situations. In the short time of just a month, I have dealt with the fear and anxiety from two different men when facing the possibility of a new relationship. I use to think those that were able to be single and stand strong alone through life as the resilient ones but now it becomes apparent those that are able to walk through the hurt, the fear, and the risk to actually share their life with someone else are the strong ones.

I remember reading He’s Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo in my twenties and feeling like I finally found the answer to all my dating problems. Finally all of the hours spent with my friends trying to figure out what was going through his head could easily be answered with a simple yet extremely expressive phrase. It was liberating and powerful, allowing me to finally have some ownership in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately, with maturity, I’ve come to realize, that maybe the end of a relationship is not always that simple.

Men are put at a disadvantage when dealing with emotion. As women we have been allowed ever since we were little girls to be afraid and have someone come and let us know that everything would be okay. Were able to voice disappointment. Cry when things don’t go our way and spend hours on the phone with our girlfriends to talk through whatever is bothering us. Although the process can be compulsive and indulgent we’re given the opportunity to work through our emotions over and over again when men are often required to suck it up and keep it moving. The only problem is so often none of what they are really dealing with gets resolved and just sits there affecting them year after year. And as a woman, when it comes to dating, every so often I interact with a man still unconsciously dealing with what happened way back when. When that happens his inconsistencies and hesitations have much more to do with occurrences and experiences that really have nothing to do with me than the phrase, he’s just not that into you. Sometimes, he is so into you he’s not willing to let go, or so into you he’s scared to even consider being once again in a serious relationship.

These gray areas that arrive when it comes to love and relationships doesn’t mean the finality of some situations can not be explained away with “he’s just not that into you”. After being in an enough failed attempts with men it becomes much easier to separate the grays from the black and whites. But the resolution of personal issues of trust and fear really can’t be resolved through another person. It’s a personal affair no matter how understanding the other person can be. When it comes to men, the choice to deal with personal baggage often has nothing to do with the woman and has everything to do with timing.

As much as He’s Just Not That Into You and He’s So Into You But can be so different, they are so similar in the most important account. In either situation, you got to let him go and be willing to hold out for the person willing to walk down the path beside you regardless of what happened today, yesterday or even what could possibly happen tomorrow.  

Married Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring - What Does It REALLY mean?

The greatest thing about being a writer is the ability to create characters that can literally do anything as long as it’s justified in truth. A mother can suddenly decide to blow up her house as long as you build a strong empathetic reason to why. Currently I’m writing a web series on relationships and my lead character is a loyal husband who not only adores his wife but also has never struggled with the idea of monogamy. Of course he’s fantasized about other women but being with his wife and only her for the rest of his life is a thought he is more than confortable with.  When his wife brings up the idea of having an open marriage, he follows her lead with hesitation and caution. But as I began to write scenes with him at a bar getting accustomed to the idea of looking as well as touching, what do I do with that wedding ring? Would a woman welcome advances from a man wearing a wedding ring? Would a man, who isn’t extremely excited about an open marriage but willing to try, be actually ready to take off his wedding ring? And more importantly, does he have to wear a wedding ring at all?

There is a poetic moment in Blue Valentine that continues to haunt me. After Ryan Gosling and Michelle William’s characters get into a huge fight at her job that ends with her getting fired and her co workers calling the police, together they get into their car and drive away. Ryan throws his wedding ring out of the window. Almost as the same time, he realizes what he did and jumps out of the car and desperately searching for the ring. Even though she hates him and just got done screaming how much she wants a divorce, she gets out of the car too and searches for the ring with him. Broken and falling out of the love, both are unable to let go of what the ring truly means for them.

In my twenties, I always saw the presence of a wedding ring on a man as the true indication of commitment and fidelity. But now after meeting plenty of men who happily wear their wedding ring and still sleep with as many women as possible, I realize that the ring really isn’t a sign of monogamy. And not necessarily true for the opposite. The absence of a wedding ring doesn’t always equal lack of commitment or adultery.

I remember a conversation I had at a 4^th of July BBQ. A friend of mine who was getting married brought up the fact that her fiancé wasn’t really interested in wearing a ring. My other friend’s boyfriend, who actually works in jewelry, even discussed his dislike of wearing jewelry on his hands. Strangely enough, after talking to other couples at the party I realized some of the men who I believed to be the most faithful and the more committed never wore their wedding ring for several of reasons. And then the clincher- my own father doesn’t wear a wedding ring and hasn’t worn one for years.

So now I wonder, what does the wedding ring mean in the first place? When you are dealing with a piece of jewelry that can come off and on, why does it hold so much power when it comes to reality of a relationship? The symbolism of the wedding ring was originally just supposed to be worn by the woman, to symbolize she was already chosen. The exchange of rings between a man and a woman did not become popular until the 20^th century. The circle, the shape of the ring, is the symbol for eternity but as we know, marriage these days has nothing to do with the idea of forever or propriety.

So now, I consider having the character I created, a loving and loyal husband, to be a man who never wears his ring symbolizing that the true commitment to a marriage is beyond what a man or a woman does with their ring finger. Essentially love is not about what you say, but more about what you do, right? 

Check out an interesting article in New York Magazine on The Naked Finger

At 32, I'm Just Now Learning What It Means To Date

I don’t think I know how to date.  Sure, I have essentially been dating in one form or another since my first dance in the six grade but now at 32, I think I am really only truly having my first “dating” experience. For the first time, I am actually going out on numerous dates with a couple people before actually making the decision if I am interested in building a serious relationship with them.  Not too revolutionary right? I assume that’s what normal people do but my dating experiences of that past haven’t been normal. They’ve gone a little something like this:

Girl meets boy, girl really likes boy, boy really likes girl, fall in love, make plans to spend the rest of their lives together to only then to crash and burn.

OR they go something like this:

 Girl meets boy, girl is bored with boy, and girl gets rid of him.

I’m either head over heels or not at all interested.  It’s always been my immediate infatuation with someone as well as their immediate lust for me that was the indicator of something special. But over time I came to realize that chemistry wasn’t necessary a true indication of a good relationship or true match.  Sadly, intense chemistry is often about the unconscious search for someone to realize the hurt from past situations. Past boyfriend wasn’t affectionate enough? Next boyfriend ends up not being about to take his hands off of me.  Of course after the high dies you realize that you’ve been in love with your idea of your partner then who they are really are. So of course now I am taking the time to get to know someone before making a concrete decision about how I feel about them. But honestly, I’m discovering old habits are hard to break especially when you’ve never experienced the opposite.

As I am taking the time to really get to know someone it’s been hard to determine what makes two people compatible. Now as I purposely date outside of what I always distinguished as my “type” with the intent of breaking the barriers created from past experiences and history. So without being able to pull from my past experiences to understand if he really likes me or if I really like him, I’m having a hard time distinguishing what the hell is going on. Since he hasn’t called me in 24 hours, does he really like me? When you eliminate infatuation and lust, how do you know when two people are really a match? Of course, there are the obvious signs like attraction, similar outlooks on life, and the ability to have fun and talk with one another but when you eliminate the intense need to be around each other or the constant want to rip each other’s clothes off, how do you know if two people are compatible for a love relationship or just a great friendship? 

A good friend of mine has always said that no one should get married before the age of 35. In some ways, I’ve always thought that was a little extreme but after really taking the time to determine the difference between what I want and what I need I couldn’t imagine making a sound decision to be with one person for the rest of my life even in my late 20’s. Definitely not a decision that reflected an understanding of the difference between intense chemistry and true love.  Or maybe at the end of it all, I just think way too much about these things.

As I continue to date and take things slow hopefully the answers to these questions will start to reveal themselves. As time moves forward essentially the right fit will no longer be a question but more of an illustrated fact. Or at least I hope. 

CHECK ME OUT IN CLUTCH MAGAZINE TODAY!

Ever since I was a little girl, I romanticized the idea of falling in love. Flooded with romantic comedies and fairy tales I looked forward to the day when I would look across the room, lock eyes, and know I was experiencing something special and oddly intended. Because of my hopeless romanticism, I never comfortably settled into the idea of online dating. How could a list of preferences and music tastes really determine a true match?  Match.com says their members go on 6 million dates a year, and eHarmony guarantees that 236 of their members get married everyday but studies show that we’re still 70% more likely to find our new boo through our friends.

As James Fowler states in his book; Connected, The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives, if you have 20 friends and they each have 20 friends, one of those people are likely to be your future spouse. The obvious logical reasoning behind this is that we tend to hang around like-minded people. College educated folk hang with college educated folks. Artists tend to have artist friends. In each little female clique, most friends talk the same, often dress the same, and carry the same morals–similar people coming in different packages. If this is the case, I am led to a more controversial question, if we are more likely to find our potential life partners within our social circles, are we limiting our dating potential by calling ex lover’s off limits?

TO READ THE REST, CLICK HERE 

SUCCESS OR LOVE? THE CHOICE MOST WOMEN WILL HAVE TO MAKE

“There’s no way a high profile fashion editor would move to the middle of Georgia just for a man. You need something to force her to go. No career woman would go just because she fell in love”.

That was my good friend and mentor pointing out the main flaw in the treatment for my latest script. It’s a romantic comedy about a woman who struggles between falling in love and staying afloat in her dream career. According to him, a woman with a great job and social life in a metropolitan city would never abandon it all just because she fell in love. When it comes to building story and strong characters, he’s right. You want to have your character make active decisions, not just wander through life with ease.  She can’t just go because she wants to. The decision has to be a hard one, and she has to be forced to make it. Note taken. But if the question is about the validity of her choice, I disagree. I know plenty of career driven women who have the job, the money and the fabulous place just waiting to find the one man who can make all the material things less appealing.

When it comes to love, the career driven woman isn’t too different from the woman whose main agenda is finding a husband. Regardless of personal histories we all started off with dolls and movies conjuring up the fantasy of prince charming.  Our lives all played out in different ways, raised by different parents with different values but we are all given the belief that being taken care of by a man is not only the ultimate goal but a true sign of affection. It might not be our personal belief but we still struggle with it. Can you have it all, should you have it all, and what is more fulfilling?  For most women, the idea of being financially secure is not because you don’t want to rely on someone else but more about not believing you can.

I see myself as a career driven woman. I’m far from a corporate chick but my career goals have always lead my life. I’ve never subscribed to the ideal of finding someone who can take care of me. Having parents that got together when they were young and a mother who has always worked colored my perspective of finding the person I can build my life with. But along with my career goals, I have the goal of finding a partner and one day becoming a mother of my own. So if I had to make the decision between an extremely lucrative and prolific writing career while being alone versus being with the man of my dreams and having a family, I am not sure if being alone would win. Of course my goal would be to have it all.

I have to say, I think all of my six figure girlfriends would leave their jobs in a heartbeat and move to the rural south. Especially if money wasn’t an option. I think most women are really looking for the opportunity to give it all up. It’s not that career trumps love, it’s that love hasn’t shown up yet to be more valuable.

I think the conversation has made me realize how much criticism women with strong career goals face. People see her differently when all women are looking for their own version of love. I think my friend’s disapproval comes from his experience. As far as he is concerned no one should have to leave their career for love. Unfortunately women have to face this decision more often than not.

PRECAUTION- CAN WE BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY?

A close friend had her first baby over the weekend. This coming March will be her one year anniversary. Not one year of being married but one year of actually knowing her husband. After a couple months of dating, she was already sure and confident she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and he felt the same. Not too soon after, she found out she was pregnant and quickly they were married. My friend is in pure bliss right now.  She is a mother of a beautiful baby girl and immensely in love with her husband. In less than a year, she is living the life she has always dreamed of.

After heartache and failed promises, I made a vow to myself to never consider marriage or moving in with anyone until after one year of knowing each other. In my opinion, people change and often change dramatically after a year. One year into a relationship you are still on your best behavior. Somewhere after a year, people begin to get comfortable and operate from more of an authentic place. That’s when women give up their weekly and monthly waxing schedules. People gain weight and are not in a hurry to lose it. Men start to rediscover their friends. They don’t mind working more often and Soup Plantation becomes the more appetizing dinner option than places with candlelights and valet. After the representative leaves and the real person with all the flaws permanently arrives, is when I believe you can truly make the decision to be with a person for the ever pending “rest of your life”.

But then I think about my good friend and how happy she is.  Can the precaution for “getting it right” actually be hurting us then helping the search?  If she decided to take a seat back and analyze her involvement with someone she literally just met, I’m sure she could have come up with thousands of reasons why getting married and becoming a mother was not the right choice. But instead, she went with her heart, at times the exact opposite of reason. As we all know and experienced Mr./Mrs.  “Perfect” doesn’t necessary exist. If we are aware that people are going to change, and the ideal of marriage or any serious relationship is being together even when it’s difficult, then does it really matter how dirty, or how fat, how political, how social, your partner really is?

 In all honesty, the majority of what keeps us from dating others is more often superficial and subjective. I had a girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she didn’t think he would make enough money to afford the lifestyle she wanted when she decided to have children, while another friend contemplated over the validity of his relationship because he liked to read at night while his partner liked to watch TV. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, what is now doesn’t always color what will be. When finding someone who is social and entertaining is important to you today, will it be just as much as a deal breaker in 10 years? Can the idea of precaution, holding out for any sense or sign of danger in the future, actually be just another form of self-sabotaging fear?

As a girlfriend and I looked over our own dating histories we noticed that the men we were currently interested in were completely different from not only what we thought we would end up with but more importantly, on the opposite spectrum of what we thought we would even enjoy. Since taste varies from experience and age, the standards we are measuring our dates against now might not even be an important factor later.  

Maybe the idea of finding a partner is more about you than it is about them.  I think we have more of a choice when it comes to whom we love and when then most would like to admit. Often, when we are ready, we can see the person we are with in a new light when the same person could have entered our lives years before hand and we wouldn’t recognize them in the same way. Possibly, we all get caught up in the “search” when the real question is, are we, separate from the person we are with, ready to stand by the commitment?

When I think of my friend and her joy over her new life, I wonder if it’s not about finding the “right person” but more importantly being able to recognize when it is the right time.