UNTIL NEXT YEAR

This time of year for me is always extremely reflective. First it is thanksgiving, then my birthday, Christmas then New Years. It’s a lot and always at this time in in constant thought about what does this year mean for me and where I am going in the upcoming year. In some ways, tons of writing material is floating in my head but unfortunately it doesn't materialize that clearly. Over the past week, I’ve started to blog but then stop myself unclear about what I really want to say.  All this to say… I NEED A BREAK. Not the type of break where life is overwhelming and you have too much on your plate. It’s probably the opposite for me. I need some silence and clarity in forming where and who I am in 2011.

I think we are conditioned to “do” something. Conditioned to “fix” our lives when sometimes we just need to be.

So… I am being. Turning over the lights at Until I Get To You to make a clear distinction and focus with my blog in the year 2011.

I wish everyone a beautiful holiday and the same sense of reflection and regrouping into the new year.

See you on the other side!

With Love,

AM 

WHEN DID GAY BECOME A BAD WORD?

The Muse’s are opinionated folks. As much as I want to take credit for my wit and persistent self-assurance I’ve inherited it. So you can imagine what family dinners might be like at my house. Of course Thanksgiving continued the family tradition of heated political debates and social commentary when one of my family members, who is engaged to a woman with a young boy, mentioned that the word “gay” is not allowed to be said when the kid is around. Of course the mention of such blatant prejudice sent me brewing. Maybe I am an extreme leftist, but in my world,  gay is simply an adjective sometimes used to describe the homosexual community. It doesn’t connote judgment and is a word often used in magazines, news reports, and even in the freakin dictionary. So to not use a word that a child is easily going to hear and use in his everyday life is a disservice to his intelligence and social development. And more importantly, wouldn’t you want to teach your child the meaning of a word that he can easily pick up from someone else and develop his own definition?

Of course my lecture then got deeper as my family member mentioned that the men in the family use the word “mo” short for “homo” when they are in the presence of a gay person when the child is around. They often interchange the word “funny” as in “we have a “funny” uncle. That just set me off. I was no longer going to be nice.  The use of the words “mo” and “funny”  are not only extremely prejudice and immoral but are even more damaging then the word gay. The belief and ideology behind both words are exactly what breeds homophobia as well as the incessant bullying and self-loathing of gay teens that is deeply affecting our country today.

My family member now upset that I would challenge his fiancé’s decision in raising her own child shouted that as a single woman without any children, I had no right to discuss someone else’s choice is raising their own child. Of course how a person decides to raise their child is their choice but I unfortunately am still entitled to my opinion.

People with children use the fact that someone doesn’t have a child as an argument against opinion and judgment. But the truth is the ability to have a child does not immediately make anyone an expert of child rearing while not having a child does not negate validity of belief. Just because I don’t have a child does not mean that I wouldn’t and can’t make decisions about raising one. Sure, someone with a child knows more about raising children that I do but my lack of being a mother doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t be a good mother.

My mother, an elementary school principal, playing devil’s advocate added that she has a difficult time with the word also. The district doesn’t allow her to teach students what gay means in retrospect to homosexuality because many parents believe the school shouldn’t teaching children about sexuality.  But homosexuality exists. Just like heterosexuality does.  Not teaching the word does not allow people to ignore the fact that people are born everyday liking and loving those of the same sex. Not teaching a child the word gay can’t and won’t erase homosexuality. If children can learn what a male or female is, what marriage is, why can’t they simply know what gay means?

At the end, we agreed to just disagree and after much debating I allowed my opinion to be just that - an opinion. But the discussion still bothers me. Homosexuality has become more accepted then ever before but we are still afraid of children knowing what loving someone of the same sex means. Can someone help me. What exactly is in the fear of a child knowing what gay means? My liberal single childless mind just doesn’t understand. 

"DON'T BE 45 HEARTBROKEN AND CHILDLESS" - and other assumptions about a single black woman

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

I stared at the email. What started as an email correspondence wishing me happy birthday, became an unintentional attack on my life and my priorities.

A friend of mine, whom I don’t talk to often but have known for years, sent me a very sweet Happy Birthday email. As we corresponded back and forth he excitedly sent me a picture of his newborn niece. Knowing that having children in on his mind I joked that the next child born should be his. He then jokingly suggested we have a kid together. Everything was fun and games until I mentioned that I was not ready for kids anytime soon and then he hit me with:

Well you need to get ready. Don’t be 45 heartbroken and childless.

Whoa… back up buddy! What does not being ready for children today have to do with what my life is going to be like in 13 years from now? Just because I am not ready now doesn’t mean I can’t and wont be ready tomorrow. For me, having children equals being in a relationship and finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A decision that takes thought and preparation. If I decide I don’t want to be a mother, I have every opportunity to be childless, happy, and in love.

 I know too many women who fall into the trap of bad relationships simply to have kids. I don’t think they doubt having their children but if they had the opportunity to have the same children with a man more compatible for them they would.  I have witnessed women having children way too early then when they were ready because every ounce of their femininity equaled marriage and motherhood.  I know women who beat themselves up mentally and spiritually because they are physically unable to bear children and the truth is they are beautiful, feminine, and have every opportunity to have a beautiful life. But they can’t see that because since we’ve all been little girls holding baby dolls we’ve been told that without children we can’t fully become a woman.

I have stated before in an earlier post that having children with the right man was more important to me then having a child. Other women have different priorities and that is fine. It’s our life, our journey, and our opportunity to have exactly what we want. The scary thing about my friend’s email was the insinuation that having children correlates to insuring you are never alone. Granted, caretaking for another human being does insure someone will be there but shouldn’t someone want to be a mother? Shouldn’t the decision to give life to another human being be much more encompassing than just feeding their fear of being alone? And we all know having a man’s child does not guarantee that he will always be your partner. Ring or no ring. The decision to have a child should simply be about wanting to become a mother. Nothing less. Nothing more.

Having a child is a gift, a blessing, not a mandate. This level of thinking is what gets lots of women in trouble- having children before they are ready and stuck in relationships with the wrong man. I’m not interested in feeling trapped. More importantly, I am not interested in being anywhere other then where I am now. When I am ready to have children, I will have children and at 32 I got a couple more years before I need to freak out. If my want to be a mother shows up after my body is unable to do the work, then I can adopt, have a surrogate, or any other of the multiple options of today.

Especially when it comes to love and having children, I’m not sure if you have to “get ready”. When you are ready, it just happens. Or when you are ready, you make it happen. Both options have nothing to do with taking action with anxiety and fear. I don’t know, maybe I am just a naïve romantic but I don’t’ see being 45 heartbroken and childless in my future. If I am 45 without children and or not married, I don’t have to be heartbroken or miserable.  Finding someone has never been my issue but finding the right one is what my journey is all about. 

NO ONE SAID 32 WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

I woke up this morning to 32. I have to say I had no idea 32 years old would look like this.

Because my birthday is towards the end of the year, I often approach this day with self-reflection; where am I going? Where have I been? This year especially has been an interesting one. This time last year, I decided to venture out and work freelance. The previous two years, I was lucky enough to have a good run at my father’s advertising agency producing and writing commercials. When I started to in production, I ended up copywriting and wrote and produced two Honda Accord campaigns. I had actually begun to enjoy working in advertising in a way that I never thought was possible. I grew up in the industry but I’ve always have been stubborn and wanted my own dream, my own career as a screenwriter. But my time writing and producing commercials helped me realize that my work as a screenwriter was more viable then ever before. With my 10 year college anniversary approaching, a stack full of scripts behind me, and a number of agents/ managers who came and went, My dream was still so bright and encompassing that it often woke me out of my sleep. If I was going to continue, I had to approach my writing career differently.

For years, I had always been afraid of “what if it doesn’t happen”. My fear of failure allowed me to always put energy and effort into a Plan B. But in giving Plan B a life and possibility I was also saying my dream the opportunity to die. So as I ventured into 2010, I was going to put my writing first. I figured I would create my life and my career in the way that I saw it and hopefully those around me would begin to see me in the same light. If I am a writer, then I work as a writer, live as a writer which is completely different from seeking the approval and co sign of someone else.

This year has been extremely interesting because in some ways, I’ve achieved exactly what I set out to do. I wake up every morning to my computer and I write. I spend my days going in and out of my favorite coffee shops and the majority of the paychecks made this year was made writing. Creatively, I am the strongest I have ever been. My voice is clear and sharp. Finally I am no longer seeking to mimic what others did in their careers but have confidently become the authority of my own work.

But there is still so much more work to do. Money has been a struggle this year in a way it’s never been before and with my age, doubt and fear creep in and take hold with more vigor and intensity. But I still write... story telling is so deeply routed in my identity and an essential element of my sanity that I know I am not suppose to do anything else.

So on my 32nd birthday I am thankful for having the courage to step out and create the life that I have always wanted and pray for the patience and resilience to keep the dream visualized.

The one thing I have learned this year is we all have the power to have exactly what we want in life we just need the courage and work ethic make it come alive.

COMPUTER CRASH - A WRITER'S NIGHTMARE OR DREAM?

 

Last Sunday night minutes away from finishing a commercial script, the intimidating spinning wheel popped up on my screen and never stopped spinning. My computer died. And I lost everything on it.

Not only everything that I had written for that one project but literally everything that I have written in the last 10 years was gone. Of course backing up your work is easy these days but I was horrible at it and as much as my computer was old and I knew I was in need of a new one, I never prepared for the chance one day my computer could never work again.

As a writer, this is worst thing that can happen. Now, after the initial shock and fear, I sit in front of a brand new computer there is something oddly refreshing and exciting about starting over.

As a writer, so much of what I have previously imagined and written shapes what I want to write in the future. If I have already written a romantic comedy about best friends it’s time to try something different. But now without the reference of worlds and lives that I have previously created, I can do and write anything that I want to in a new way never fully expressed. I don’t have to worry about the script that I wrote that never was rewritten. I don’t have to linger over the TV pilot that I loved and no one else got. Right now I start from a completely new page one. The great thing about being a writer is that although I do not tangibly hold my previous work, anything that I now write is inherently touched with the knowledge and skill gained over the years. Without the looming pages of past work glaring at me and influencing a false sense of authority, I feel like I now walk with a new found freedom.

The one thing that drives me insane about screenwriters is that so often people believe the pursuit equals the skill. When people discuss the number of screenplays they have completed as if that alone deserves merit negates the skill and talent needed to write a beautifully written and original piece of work.  The truth is writing 300 scripts isn’t what makes you great – It is one that does the trick.  Not one script but “The One”.

As Malcolm Gladwell discusses in “Outliers” it’s the practice of creating story and rewriting that creates The One but it’s that one piece of work that stands out above the rest that carries not only the possibility of the next great step but also carries the blood sweat and tears of the thousands and pages before.

Early this year in a very emotional and real moment with my manager, he said to me “You’ve written good, but I haven’t seen great”. As much as it hurt, I couldn’t argue. But for any artist, great shows up without warning.  Great can happen tomorrow or it can happen in 20 years.

When I got the news that years of scripts, thoughts, documents, music, pictures, were gone forever I just went numb. And my father said, “It’s the same mind- same heart”.  And it’s true. I might not be physically able to hold or touch the years of a written work but they are still in the place that matters the most – my heart and soul.  Not sure if I got 10, 000 hours but I got something close. Therefore I move forward with ease and excitement to the making of me. 

ASSUMPTIONS - THE RELATIONSHIP KILLER

I love this moment between Oprah and Whoopi (starts at the 2:00 minute mark). After years of thinking each other was mad at the other they finally realize for 25 years they were fighting over nothing. You can see the truth of the moment when both women begin to cry. It's so real and so true. 

I can’t help but think of a similar moment I had with a good friend. We were going through a sticky time in our friendship and instead of really talking about it, months went by with the unspoken tension. She was in a new and very serious relationship and because of it our friendship did not have the same dynamic. We didn’t talk as frequently and more importantly, we didn’t see each other and hang out as much. I assumed the friendship wasn’t of importance to her anymore. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about it but in my head, our friendship in her life was simply different from what it used to be. She didn’t need to lean on her girlfriends the same way I did being single. In my mind, the only action that needed to be taken was for me to restructure my life and my friendships. I started to pull away and mentally placed her as one of my good friends then one of my best friends. But after a couple months of this she was the bigger person and approached me to talk about our unspoken issues.

At the time I really didn’t want to talk about it because the wall was already placed. No need to discuss something that wasn’t going to change. But I was wrong. What I assumed and allowed myself to believe was so far from the truth. She wanted and needed the friendship just as much as I did. Her new relationship could not at all replace the need for true real friendship and because I was pulling away she assumed that I wasn’t interested in fixing the friendship and willing to walk away. Without that conversation I would have continued harboring my own assumption about her life, as she would have about mine. In 20 minutes of the truth, our friendship was back on track.

Whoopi and Oprah went on for 25 years without someone saying  “Can we talk?” I can’t help but think of how many relationships we have ruined by the story we have decided to believe in our heads. Especially in love relationships. I know I am guilty of reacting to a man’s actions based on what I think it means. He hasn’t called; he’s obviously dating someone else.  He’s too quiet; he must be upset about something he’s not saying…and so on and so on.  Like the previous post, we as people are so afraid of the truth that we have ruined friendships, marriages, and even family dynamics simply by not saying a word.

Let’s talk to each other, even if the truth might hurt, its more assuring to know what is really going on and know how to deal with it.

Life is too precious and way too short. 

HOW MEN AND WOMEN CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

Every girl needs a good guy best friend. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few. As far as I am concerned, men and women can truly be just friends. Some of my closest and longest friendships have been with men. With one of my guy friends our love lives tend to parallel each other. When he is confused and in a messy relationship so am I. Going through a hard heartbreak? We’ve done it together. Now both of us are single with the intent on making the next move with ease and caution. Of course as male and female, we often approach the same situation completely different.

My good friend, let’s call him Mr. X, had started dating someone new. He was into her from day one. As one of his best friends, I questioned what was going to happen next because he literally met her days after breaking up with an ex. I’ve never been able to successfully move into the next situation while thinking of the last but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I know plenty of people who have. Plus, this time she wasn’t an obvious rebound. She sounded great; a woman with a great job, a full group of friends, smart, and intellectual. She sounded like someone I would have been happy for him to end up with.

Nearly a month in, things were going great. Dinners, breakfasts, running errands, making plans for the future...then the ex called. It was just a simple phone call. No decision of getting back together but the brief encounter completely switched his outlook on the new situation. Within days he wasn’t excited to hang out with the new girl and started to pull away. Everything that was so great about her began to die. He still thought highly of her and he couldn’t verbalize why things were different but he began to wonder was he really ready to jump into something serious so soon? Of course he couldn’t see this but the simple meet up with his ex shook him up enough for him to question if he was ready to do it all over again. Here he was with a great girl and too scared to entertain while the drunk young bartender where we were at was much more appetizing. He was just beginning to deal with the questions he should have asked himself on day 1 not day 42. 

So the perfect and most logical move for him was to disappear. From that moment on he wasn’t going to call and not return her phone calls hoping over time she would just get the picture. He spoke of his plan as if he was the simplest decision that anyone else would make. My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I saw the clear manifestation of differences between men and women. Where I thought of the emotional implications and what this meant for him and her, he was looking for the easy way out. There I was literally seeing the other side of a moment that I had been once apart of.  As much as I have given the advice to a confused friend that what ever happened between her and the man that decided to disappear had nothing to do with her, it was more of a general statement without really knowing if it did or not. And when I have been in the situation myself I never understood how I could interact with someone and their decision to not engage could really have nothing to do with me. But I stood there listening to Mr. X’s ridiculous assessment and it all became crystal clear: It’s true, SOMETIMES IT REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Seeing myself in this girl’s shoes I convinced him to tell her the truth, he fucked up and started a relationship he couldn’t finish. He looked at me as if I was crazy, as if the truth was never an option. How could he admit to possibly being emotionally messed up?  But as much as it might hurt her at the moment, it saves weeks or even months of agony wondering what happened.  Every girl has been there; replaying every moment, every phone call trying to piece together what happened when all disasters could have been avoided with just 5 minutes of the truth.

I remember being in a similar situation with a guy that seemed to be going really well and then it was not. It was as if I could smell his ex girlfriend around him. So in our next conversation I asked him if he was getting back together with her and let him know that I was completely ok with it. Silence on the other end and then he said, “You are the coolest girl in the world”. The thing is, no sane woman wants what someone else has or more importantly, wants someone who doesn’t want her. It’s the ambiguity that makes relationships a lot more complicated then necessary. And like clock work in the middle of my lecture, the new girl emailed him questioning if something had happened between them that she wasn’t aware of. It was right there, sitting in his hands, the opportunity to tell the truth instead of hiding and hoping time will take care of the situation for him.

That moment was the perfect reason why men and women should and can be friends. We both learned something about the opposite sex that we couldn’t learn from the person we are romantically linked to. As I learned, sometimes with men not all things should be taken personally, while he learned women are more resilient then one would assume. Especially when treated with respect.

As our friendship has suffered in the past when we were in serious relationships we made a promise to always make time for us. Because this “us” was just as special and needed for the balance in our other relationship. You can always use someone to bounce off thoughts with especially someone who’s not from the same mindset. With a best girlfriend sometimes you can convince each other driving off a cliff is the best thing to do but with a good guy friend you might see an escape route missed. 

BLACK GIRLS ROCK!

 I know a lot of folks posted this yesterday but I couldn't resist. I've watched this over and over again and it just gives me goose bumps! Performances like this make me soo proud, soo happy to be a black woman.

No Bottle Opener? No Sex - And other reasons why it's been way too long

Late night blogging and a couple glasses of wine – things are getting real.

Nov 29^th, my 32nd birthday will mark 2 years since I have had sex. Yes. You read right. Some can say I’m abstinent or celibate but both words assume some type of choice in status. Not that the fact that I haven’t had sex is a complete accident but every once in awhile I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that it’s been this damn long? And as my two year mark is fast approaching, the urge to change something, do something I usually wouldn’t is all around me.

My “real” life hasn’t brought me a plethora of good, attractive, and available men crossing my path, therefore I am Internet dating again. For those who read my blog know how much I hate it but I go back to it because there is no denying- I actually date.

My latest dating attempt has been a guy named Kyle. Technically, nothing is wrong with Kyle other then he is …boring… and not really smart. He’s not dumb; he just has no problem with being average. Where I grew up, average was a bad word. Being the person who can easily be overlooked was never a goal. Kyle will agree with me when I say he just exists. Has a job to pay his bills and hanging at the local bar is as exciting as it gets. I quickly came to this conclusion about Kyle on a couple phone conversations but I decided to do things differently and go out with him anyways.

On our first date, Kyle was nothing but a gentleman. Sweet, kind, and appropriate but no matter how hard he tries he just has nothing to say. He’s the type of guy who could talk about what he ate for lunch for the next two hours. Very reminiscent of Bubba Gump and shrimp. As you can imagine, my date was over before the check arrived but under the advice of my girlfriends who assumed I’m being too harsh, I was open to going on a second date with the man.

There is so much wrong about Kyle but something so very right. The man adores me. And for any woman, being adored sure does feel good. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he has encountered, and in Kyle’s mind he’s won the jackpot. This girl deserves to be told how great she is after months of radio silence. But no matter how much I try, or even consider, I can’t make Kyle interesting. So our second date ends just like the first, unfulfilled. So nice and so sweet but just so not for me. But I again convince myself to be more open, more willing to do something against the grain. For every woman I know who fell in love at first sight, I know a woman who needed a couple dates to actually realize how fabulous her man was. Therefore, maybe this is the situation I am in with Kyle. I just need some more time to see how great he really is. Maybe Kyle is the sane one and I got things all wrong.

Tonight I put on my best dress, pulled out the lingerie and strapped on my best heels because I was taking matters into my own hands. I showed up at his apartment looking fine with a great bottle of wine. Walked in the door to find him in… sweats. Freaking faux Adidas sweats and slippers with socks. And the worst top for a man with rolls… the cut up t-shirt with no sleeves. Here I am ready to give him some and he looks like he just left the gym. If that wasn’t enough to make me reconsider, his apartment was worse then a college dorm. At least my college boyfriend had a coffee table. Kyle, a 31-year-old man with a stable job, had a bed on some recliner slope, a foam coach and a huge TV set surrounded by multiple workout stations. And homeboy was proud of his spot. Shoes on the floor and the mail thrown on the kitchen counter showed that he didn’t even think a rush clean up was necessary. Then Kyle nailed his own coffin. I pulled out the bottle of wine- my medicine to actually help me get through any possible debauchery-and he didn’t even own a bottle opener. Looking at the situation the only logical thing I could think was “ I am better than this”.

The five words continue to ring in my head as Kyle described his day as if it was appropriate foreplay without a drop of liquor…. “ I am better than this”…. The real reason I was there was for my own personal gratification and it was crystal clear I wasn’t getting anything out of this but a rash. So just as abrupt and impolite as I could be I told Kyle I had to go. Literally, I cut him off mid sentence, jumped off the foam and proclaimed the party was way over before it in started. Stunned he followed me to the door searching for an answer- but I couldn’t give him anything other then “This is all wrong and I must leave now”.  Door closed behind me. Keys in the ignition.

Now back at my house I finish the bottle of Chianti Kyle had no tools to open.  

This whole experience has allowed me to take ownership in my sex life. I might not be abstinent or celibate but I haven't had sex because I hadn't want to. I haven't met someone worth it and worth it has nothing to do with aesthetics. Worth it for me is about being emotionally invested in the outcome. Being excited about becoming closer to another human being that the apartment, sweats, and missing bottle opener are not even a factor. Sex for me is more then just a fleeting moment but the beginning of so much more. Laugh, mock, think I’m crazy but I can’t be anything other then myself.

I am surrounded by tons of relationship stories that make me question my decisions but obviously my story is different. As I type I remind my myself: My story is different. I have no idea how it’s going to end or really understand the current chapter but I do know that right now I am 100% authentically me. 2010 as been a lot of things but the one lesson that has stood out is the constant definition of who I am and what I stand for. For the first time there is a confident ownership about all of me. I might be loud, have a big ass or can’t spell but guess what? It’s me and there’s someone out there who’s going to love the shit out of all of it.

When I have sex it will be with someone I can’t wait to rip his clothes off. Someone I can’t stand being away from. Someone that will leave me thinking about the experience for days. I have no idea who he is and when he will show up but until then… I keep on being me.

Can An Open Marriage Save A Relationship?

I'm kind of obsessed with open marriages. Not sure why but the idea intrigues me. Currently, I am writing about a couple that explores an open marriage so it's literally on my mind all the time. The idea of monogamy is a little tricky for me. I like the concept, believe in the commitment, and want someone who is willing to try it with me. On the other hand, Do I believe love is ruined or tainted by having sex with another person? Not at all. I've seen it too many times with men who love the crap about of their wives/girlfriends and the idea of having sex with another woman doesn't taint that feeling for them. Fair? Probably not... but it's real.

The truth is what we have placed together as a traditional marriage isn't necessarily working. People expect to get married, never have attraction towards another and more importantly, start to live a completely different life then they did when they were dating or single. I think the idea of propriety tends to ruin relationships. Often when people get married and have been married for a couple years, they stop trying. The ring on the finger solicits a sense of comfort that is first enticing but often becomes stale and typical. Therefore the idea of still needing to entice your partner feels like a positive aspect of an open marriage. But the real question is can everyone really separate love and sex? All these questions are swirling around in my head as I patch together the life of these two people and the information on the Internet is endless.

Today I found this: A blog originally started by a couple in a happy and fulfilled open marriage that ended in less then a year with a divorce. Then it got me thinking... is the need for the open marriage, the comfortablity, the boredom the real true sign of a failing relationship?

Love to get your thoughts.

"My Best Friend Is Making A Mistake With The Wrong Man, What Do I Do?"

Over twitter a woman asked what do you do when you know a friend is making a terrible mistake. In her case, her friend is moving in with her boyfriend that many suspect is gay. Her friend’s concern is she is committing to a relationship that will never work out but she feared saying anything would make her friend upset. I think women are in the predictiment all the time. Not necessarily with the gay boyfriend but what do you do when you see your friend making a mistake with the wrong man?

When most women think it’s best to keep your mouth closed and be there for your friend when they fall, I think it’s best to tell them how you feel. Now that doesn’t mean you should just come out there with “ I can’t stand your man, you deserve so much better” but when the opportunity arises, just ask her if she is sure about the relationship. Let her know you’ll always be there for her regardless of her situation and if she’s truly happy you’ll support her 100%. I think a lot of times we are in denial and we just need to confirmation from someone else to see the truth. Sure, your friend could be upset, but I think it’s a greater gift to know that your friend will always tell you the truth. 

It’s true, most of the time we need to make our own mistakes. Someone telling you what you need to do is completely different from making the decision on your own. But I think there is away to tell your friend what you think while allowing her the freedom and space to do what she wants to do.

But more importantly, the real question is, do you just don’t like him or is he really bad for her?  I think we have to distinguish not liking our friend’s boyfriend from our girlfriend’s happiness. Just because we can’t stand him doesn’t mean she’s not happy or in a bad relationship. Our opinions are just that, opinions. At the end of the day we might be close friends but that doesn’t mean we have the same taste when it comes to men. If you are able to determine your discomfort with her man to really being about her well being, then I think you have to tell her in the most supportive way. She might be mad but she will always know you are looking out for what’s best for her.

What do you think? Keep your mouth closed or tell your girl how you feel?

"What The Hell Is A Soul Mate Anyway"? Soul Mates Vs Life Partners-What Are We Really Looking For?

I have an ex boyfriend that shows up literally every time his name is mentioned. We don’t live in the same city or even really speak often but when his name comes up in conversation I know we’re going to run into each other. I haven’t seen him in years and he came up in conversation the other day and sure enough a half an hour later, there he was walking across the street. Used to this funny way of meeting, we shared a laugh, a knowing smile and continued on with our lives.

This interaction couldn’t help but get me thinking about soul mates. There is no denying, my ex and I are connected in a powerful way. A connection that is no doubt specific to only him and I. But that connection doesn’t translate to being the best partner for me. Our relationship was a mess and forever will be. It broke us down and made each of us miserable. I love him, will continue to love him, but I have no interest in being with him.

I believe our soul mates are people that we intrinsically know on a spiritual level -an intense attraction and emotion that is beyond explanation or logic. As Wayne Dyer says "Your soul mate is the person you can't stand". His idea is that soul mates are the people who cause the most challenges for us. The ones we can't ignore and learn the most personal lessons from. If that's the case, I've been lucky enough to have a couple soul mates in my life. 

The interesting idea about this concept is that soul mates don't necessarily translate to the person we should or can spend the rest of our lives with. The connection and experience caused by a soul mate is so deep and life changing it’s not meant to last more then a specific point in time.  Soul mates come as best friends, lovers, and sometimes strangers on the street (I had a conversation with a man in Paris that was unbelievable) but the person you spend your life with should be the person who shows up as constant and steady, right?

I think of it like clothes: You are more inclined to wear a simple pair of blue jeans over and over again then the diamond studded leather pants right? You love those leather pants but they sit in your closet more often then the desire to put them on. Now the jeans- they not only go with everything, ca be worn any season, but they also have this magical ability to fit you regardless of what kind of shape you are in. So essentially we all need to find that perfect pair of jeans.

The hard part is that pair of jeans has to really fit. I mean really fit.  In real life I hate shopping for jeans because even though the size might say they fit but that doesn’t always reflect what they are going to look on me. Even within the same brand, sometimes two different pairs of the same size look completely different. So it’s always a long process and I have to try a whole bunch of pairs to find the ones that feel like they were made just for me.

In relationships, I guess it’s the same thing. Not only does the guy have to fit but he has to have something special going on so that I don’t get bored. Ahh…. My Achilles heel- passion, adventure, spontaneity- the qualities that I love in a man in the beginning but hate months later. But if I consider Dr. Wayne Dyer's thought its in these moments of frustration and being uncomfortable that life is all about! 

This point in my life I straddle between looking for that immense fire that stops me in my tracks or do I look for the cool slow burn that has the ability last a lifetime?

I do have to say that’s the great part about dating. The more jeans that I try on, the more I understand what I am looking for in the right fit.  

LOVE LESSONS FROM KIM KARDASHIAN

I’ve had my crazy moments like any girl. Honestly, I might have a couple more then the average but my point is… I definitely can comment when a woman has made the same mistake.

Sunday night on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim Kardashian put Reggie Bush on blast by not only playing their phone conversation in front of her friends and family but she played it for the whole world. Reggie pleaded with her about getting back together and seeing her with a new dude in the media was “driving him crazy”. I don’t know why I am surprised when she came to be a celebrity by a sex tape but airing the conversation was just not classy!

I’m sure she thought she was going to show him, let everyone know how much he wanted to get back with her but really she played herself in the end. Not only should every man she dates be terrified of all his business being on TV but the only way to really show someone how much you still obviously care is to dedicate a whole episode about moving on when it’s really still about him. She left nothing up to the imagination. If Reggie had any question about how much she really liked the guy she was dating, now he knows the whole time she was still thinking about him.

One thing that I have learned over and over again in break ups (but can’t seem to remember when I am going through them) is at the end they all come down to positions of power. Who is happier? Who is moving on quicker? No one likes to admit it but when a relationship ends it’s all about ego. If you have the opportunity to question what they are doing without you. The ego gets bruised and you start to wonder, was I ever special to them? If Reggie Bush had any real questions about if Kim really did like this Miles guy now he knows her dating an athlete was not about getting over him but purely about getting back at him.

Ladies, Ladies… When it comes to relationships- and especially break ups - we can’t lay out all our cards! The best revenge is silence. The best signal of moving on is indifference. I don’t know Reggie or Kim but what I do know is in this business the only way to stay sane is to keep your close and personal relationships sacred. The more you put on blast, the more you need to run for cover. 

IS THERE ANY GETTING OVER KRYPTONITE?

He argues the importance of love in our society. He obsesses over the possible life story of the homeless guy near the freeway entrance and wonders how and if they are really any different. He quits his job without having any idea what he is going to do next, stays up all night writing his book/novel/poem/painting while praying to God he is living to his full potential.

He’s the artist. In every sense of the word. From head to toe, he’s passionate, spontaneous, and unpredictable.  My kryptonite. I’ve encountered this man-short, tall, skinny, and big – regardless of what he looks like, I’m smitten within the first encounter and there’s no reeling back. Cut from the same cloth, he understands my own obsession and inspires me to work and live harder.  But in all cases, we both love hard which only perpetuates a much harder fall. Getting myself back together after dealing with Mr. Artist is never an easy or quick process. Its brutal, down right life changing but through the pain, I always emerge as a stronger, more complete person. In some ways, the personal growth is an added blessing for dealing with the Artist Man.

This time, I want to try things different. Try the stable man. The guy with a job and a career, and that’s enough for him. As long as the bills are paid, he’s good and any bigger questions can be left for others to figure out. He’s settled. Where he is now is where we want to be and if it never changes, he’s fine. The monotony and expectation that comes with the stable man at one time sounded boring but now feels comforting and alluring. BUT the problem is when I encounter him; I’m always looking for more. I want to go out when he wants to stay home. I’m looking to debate the social undertones of Fraggle Rock when he just wants to watch and relive his childhood.

How much of the excitement and romanticism really matters when looking for a life partner?  How much entertainment is needed in relation to loyalty and steadiness?

Maybe over time the insatiable taste of The Artist will fade away. Or maybe I’ll get lucky and I’ll find the perfect mix of Mr. Stable and The Artist that makes sense for me. Does he exist?

In the meantime, I try to date from a clean slate not letting too much of my past color my future. Even when a whole lot of color seems to serve me well.

CAN WE CONTROL WHO WE FALL IN LOVE WITH?

How many of you know of a guy that decided “the next woman I’m with is my wife” or a girl that said “by this time next year I will be engaged” and they got it?  The idea behind those proclamations is being in control. Setting out an intention and allowing the universe to bring it to you. I am willing to play this game with my career and actually have played this game with love before and guess what, most of the time I get it but when it comes to love, how much do I want to be in control?

I think that is the root to my aversion to online dating. I feel like I am too much in control of whom I date and what I like. So much of what I like changes from year to year based on the experiences of previous choices. So much of what I liked at 25 is not apart of the equation now.  Especially when it comes to love, being in control might not be the best thing simply because most of the time what I want isn’t necessarily what I need.  As much as I complain about being single as the next girl, I know that God, the Universe, or whatever higher being you believe in, knows more about my journey then I do.

Right now I am online dating again and kicking and screaming throughout the whole experience. Truthfully it’s the only sure way I meet and able to experience different men. As much as that is a plus, I still grapple with how much control I have. So many people give me the stories of their friends that went online and got married not too long after. I have those same stories in my own circles. They set out to find someone and mission accomplished. There is no arguing, if you are looking to find someone, the best place to find them in online… but I don’t know if I am looking to find just someone.

But on the other hand, finding companionship is not always about finding the best fit. Maybe this idea of romantic love is just something that doesn’t truly exist. At least not in the realm that we believe in. Sure, romantic love is possible but it might not come 6’5 with a MFA and a Mercedes.

 As we all know, marriage was never about love. It was about procreating and having someone to take care of our daughters. Maybe I need to realize being in control of my love life is probably the best and sure way of achieving the goal of being married and having children. But as time goes by… I don’t know how much I am attached to those ideals anymore.

Whenever I am facing what I believe to be a bad situation, I always take a set back, give myself a moment of silence and look at the situation from a different perspective. What am I not looking at? In those situations I can easily change something that I hate to do to something that I would love to do. Simply by looking at it from a different angle. Essentially, we can do the same with love. Maybe I just need to allow myself to be in full control of my love life and stop seeing it as such a bad deal. We can control what makes us mad or what makes us laugh, therefore we can control who and when to fall in love.

Thanks to online dating, I have a date tonight. Who knows…maybe its time to take the lead and fall.  

COMPROMISE - A Bad Word In Relationships?

A friend of mine wanted to hook me up with an accountant. He’s 5’9, wears a suit the majority of time, enjoys staying at home then going out, and doesn’t listen to anything other then jazz music. I took a pass on the date. She thought I was crazy because I had no idea if we were a match or not. But the truth is, I’ve dated lots of men and the older I get… I know what works. When did knowing what I want become a crime?

I love Eartha Kitt’s response in this video. She’s a little crazy but she definitely knows what she wants. And getting it is not an option. But that word Compromise… how important is it when it comes to relationships? Do we all need it to some degree?

I struggle with the notion of compromise in both my relationships and career. When or do you ever get to a point when you realize maybe what I am fighting for just doesn’t exist?  One of the greatest gifts of being multiple relationships is getting the chance to really define what you want and what works for you. And as I get older, I become more clear of what type of man and relationship matches the lifestyle that I want BUT… I am also very clear about what I don’t want. So in the area of Mr. Accountant, I know most men with stable and rational careers just think I am crazy. My instability when it comes to time and money is uncomfortable for them as well as my constant expression of emotions. Plus I know I need to be out and social and I really would love if I could share that with my partner.  I’m not interested in dating men shorter then me, men who don’t have an affinity for the arts, who are shy or socially awkward, and who don’t have the same morals and values as I have. So do I go out with this guy even though I know the probability of us liking each other is small? And if we do fall in love, which has happened before, with someone who is relatively different from me, how long will it really last before we drive the other crazy?

My favorite part of this video is when she says:

I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me.

There have been times in relationships where I have apologized for who I am. And we should never have to do that. When your self expression and self worth is being compromised, then that’s where compromise is never an option.

So maybe it’s not necessarily having standards, or a list of what he should look like or what he should believe in… but more importantly… does he love me for me? And if the answer is yes… why does anything else matter? 

WE'RE SINGLE TIL WE'RE MARRIED" - The one comment that always seems to piss someone off.

He’s tall, charismatic, witty, and he’s own person. Whenever we see each other it’s like everyone else has left the room. At a crowded party, you’ll find us in the corner laughing. Over lunch, hours have gone by before we realize we’re late for the next appointment. In some ways he’s the perfect match for me… in one way he is not. Sure, when he mentioned he had a girlfriend I was disappointed but I enjoyed hanging out with him and continued to do so. We have a true friendship but it would be ignorant to ignore there is something a little more. It’s nothing romantic but there is a bond both of us have mentioned is special. A bond between two people that doesn’t happen often.

Because he has a girlfriend, others have mentioned that I should stop being his friend. Because there is a connection that is different then your standard platonic friendship, it’s been suggested I need to stop any possibility that could be a threat to his relationship. I don’t see it like that. I respect the fact that he is in a relationship and because of that, I don’t want our friendship to be anything more than it is right now but to the suggestion to stop building upon a connection that is special to me just because he has a girlfriend is invalid. Not an option.

See, a girlfriend to me isn’t forever. A girlfriend could be forever but it doesn’t have the finality that a wife does. When you commit to a person for “forever”, what you essentially do when you get married, I believe it’s your duty to not do anything that could pose a threat to that sacred bond. But being in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to me is saying, “let’s try this out and see if it works”. In many ways, I see relationships as

 You’re Single Till You Are Married.

A lot of people are upset by this comment. This statement does not mean the commitment between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not valid. A promise is a promise, regardless of the form. But when you are in a committed relationship outside of marriage, I see it as you are off the market RIGHT NOW. Then off the market FOREVER.

Back to the relationship with my “friend”. I have no interest in “taking” him away from his girlfriend. Nor do I have an interest in building upon our friendship while he is in a relationship with another woman. I don’t believe in cheating and always thought if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are more likely to cheat on you. But I am not going to deny our deep connected friendship because of another connection he has with someone else. Especially when the two are completely different. The truth is I actually like his girlfriend. And I recognize how special she is to him. Their relationship is strong. So strong that I don’t see our friendship as a threat to their bond. Being a strong connection with another person isn’t something that happens everyday and I am not willing to let that go off of the chance of “maybe”. We’ll continue to be friends. Good Friends, until the situation is not longer beneficial to both of us. 

MY CLOCK AIN'T TICKING - Is something wrong with me?

A good friend of mine recently found herself in a serious relationship. 4 months in, they’re already discussing marriage and the time they would like to have children. Saturday night, at his birthday party she told me they were planning to  have kids in two years because “I’m not interested in having a toddler at 38”. Another friend of mine, 31 years old, the same age as I and the previous woman, is seriously considering freezing her eggs because “I don’t want to be 50, tired and chasing kids”. All around me, my single and in relationship friends are making decisions now about the possibility of having children later. There is this mad rush against the unknown future with the assumption that having children is only possible between a small window of time. That very valid “ticking clock” is affecting all these women but for some reason, it hasn’t gotten me yet. And I wonder… does that mean I don’t really want children?

I remember having a conversation with my old roommate where she suggested that having children was more important to her then being with the right man. It has always been clear for me that being with the right man was more important than having children. I’ve always dreamed about having lots of children. I have visions of having a huge thanksgiving table full of family and friends of multiple generations. I always wanted to experience the beauty of creating another human being and being responsible in shaping the person they become. When I was younger, I saw my 30’s as a place of completion and accomplishment. I envisioned being solid in my career, marriage and having small children but of course, that is not my current reality. But on the other side of that, I don’t doubt that I will have children and I don’t feel like I need to rush anything to have that reality apart of my life later. If for whatever reason, I’m not able to have biological children, adoption feels like a perfectly fine possibility for me. 

The problem is many of my friends see having children as the goal and getting married as a means to that end.  But I see finding the man to be that perfect father as well as the man to spend the rest of my life with as the ultimate goal and if children come apart of that scenario, then I am immensely blessed. I don’t know, maybe I am naïve, but I feel like I don’t need to rush to have children. I don’t see the age of 35 as this inevitable cut off. I know beautiful vibrant women in their late 40’s who have successful careers, wonderful husbands and children under 10 years old. Their lives are full and happy. As my friend was worried about having  young children in her 50’s, there is nothing “old” or “tired” about these women I know. They are sexy and in great shape with the maturity and experience to tackle the issues in their lives with ease and sophistication. To me, that seems like a more comfortable situation then possibly being in late 30’s in a horrible marriage, or single, still figuring out my career with a couple young children demanding my full attention and care.

I am not at all suggesting my girlfriends are going to end up unhappy or in the wrong relationships, I just wonder if my passé approach regarding children questions how much I really want them. I see having children as a gift - a more powerful way to give back the blessing of life that was given to me. Having children will make my life more rich and vibrant but it is a blessing- not a guarantee. Plus if for whatever reason it does not happen as I would like, I do not see not having children as an attack to my femininity or make me any less of a woman then those that can.

 One of the things I have learned from being a babysitter is the possibility of having an impact on child’s life without being their biological mother. I have had the ability to be nurturing, giving, and build influential relationships with children that are not biologically mine. Therefore, I  continue to dream about having children (3 to 4 to be exact) but that will happen whenever the time is right. No rush… for whatever reason I believe I got time. 

GETTING THROUGH IT, NOT OVER IT - Lessons learned from seeing an Ex.

It was 2 years ago when I went home with him during the holidays. We drove laughing hysterically about something inappropriate his young nephew had said. Being with him during that time was easy and laughing came naturally. The laughter quickly came to a halt as he reached over the passenger seat, grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “God I love you”. He squeezed my hand tighter and added, “I love you, I really do”.  Although already months into our relationship having proclaimed love to each other multiple times, there was something so pure and genuine about this moment that both of us became still- recognizing the power of his gesture. Before returning back to Los Angeles we planned our holiday schedule for the following year; Thanksgiving with his family then Christmas with mine. But as a couple we didn’t even make it to the 4^th of July. Now, nearly two years after the day we first met, we meet for breakfast- finally moving forward and letting go.

As I sit across from him casually catching up with each other’s lives, I feel like I am becoming reacquainted with an old colleague rather than a man that I once saw the possibility of spending the rest of my life with. During every break up I work hard to remind myself that the pain is only temporary.  I look forward to the day when I am able to see him without the emotion and confidently know my life is better without him. But who knew reaching that moment would be just as liberating as it is bittersweet?

It was there over eggs and toast when I finally understood why moving on was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever been asked to do. It was the memories like the moment described above that I wasn’t ready to give up on. It was the memory of how close and intimate we became and without it I had nothing.  Today, our meeting was void of emotion, feeling more like indifferent blind daters waiting for the appropriate time to take off.  It’s clear that all I was holding on to and hoping once to rekindle was just a memory. A moment of once was – an ideal so far from what is.

For months, I placed the failure of our relationship heavy on my shoulders. Only until recently have I forgiven myself for not being able to give him what he needed. But now, sitting across from him for the first time in over a year, I’m finally able to ask the real question – Will he ever be able to give me what I need?

The clarity that I have gained from building a sound life without him has made me realize that the pain associated with love lost is similar to dealing with death. We’re afraid to picture life without that person, often questioning what the future holds when it so far from the present, yet alone the past. The thought of being without him brought so much pain but now I know that the insight gained from the experience was the one thing I needed in order to become a woman who is confidently able to recognize the type of man that I don’t only want but need to be with. For the first time in my life I feel sound and more developed into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. And I don’t think I would have reached this place if I had not fallen in love and heartbreak with my most recent ex.

It’s amazing to finally receive an answer to my many nights asking “why”? Why did God put someone in my life only to then take it away? Why the heartache and why the pain? Who knew that answer I had been desperately searching for I had all along but required months and maturity to finally be able to see.

Minutes after we say goodbye and go on with our lives, I am already on the phone, dealing with work, moving through my day as I do everyday. It’s not until hours later that it hits me- I just experienced the one event that I had agonized over. Seeing my ex for the first time since our breakup was so simple and did not affect my current life. I had finally reached the real true point of moving on. 

I was beyond moving on- I had moved on!  For me, moving on wasn’t about being in a new relationship but more importantly ending the possibility of rekindling on my own terms. I now know what I want and that I can have so much more. And I didn’t need to be with someone else to get there. Somehow being able to close that door on my own terms allows me to be excited about my future instead of anxiously questioning what it’s going to bring.

Once again, I learn that we can reach our own process. Each of us has our own personal lessons to learn and it’s about getting through them – not getting over them. I receive this lesson over and over again but yet I still often worry about my future through every struggle or moment of adversity. Once again I now know, no matter how you get there, life always works out in your favor. 

ONE REASON TO NEVER READ MADAME NOIRE MAGAZINE AGAIN

Why does he have to look at sad and pathetic in the back? 

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “How To Date A White Guy”. I purposely choose a title that would catch people’s attention but for those who actually read it they know the piece was not about selecting white men over black men but more about letting go past assumptions that limited my opportunities when it comes to dating. I’m a black woman in my 30’s who wants to be married with kids one day. If I am black, white, purple, or even magenta, limiting my options is not a smart thing especially when it comes to love.

Tonight I read “8 Reason to Date A White Man”  at Madamenoire.com and was disgusted. It is full of assumptions and stereotypical reasons to dating a “white man” that has nothing to do with love or compatibility. I am a single black woman and believe that black women and everyone else on the goddamn planet cannot construct rules when it comes to finding an ideal partner. Come on, aren’t we over that crap by now? Yes. Culture is alive and well. Culture differences should be celebrated and never ignored. There are multiple inherent cultural similarities with a black man that I most likely will not have with a white man but why should I allow those differences to limit my possibilities when it comes to love? Especially in a time where we all are more culturally similar then ever before?

What this article does is not liberate black women from false pretenses. Instead the writer has publicly based every black man with ludicrous stereotypes while attempting to uplift white men with the same backwards thinking. Not all white men “ don’t take everything as a challenge to their masculinity” or even “have the ability to look beyond their past”.  I know tons of chauvinist white men “looking for someone to take care of them” as well as many white men who don’t know a thing about “financial planning and stability”. When there is a Black President in the White House who dispels every single stereotype and possible opportunity for a Black man how could anyone write such an ignorant piece?

The world just continues to blow my mind! I know many ways to support black women in dating outside their race without bashing black men. Jesus… I know thousands of beautiful, strong, loving, impeccable black men looking for a partner. There is no shortage. We just live in a time where limitations do not serve us anymore. So fall in love because you can- not because it will help your financial and social goals. When you can create a list of why you are with the man you are with without writing love, morals, or reasons beyond the color of his skin- you do not know the definition of love.

And the even more ignorant thing about the article? The article is coupled with pictures of black women with men who are not even white! The online magazine is not only stereotyping black men but is even more backwards in it’s assumption that every man with fair skin and not black is in fact white.

Moments like this make me thankful for growing up in California. Other than New York City, the rest of the country is so archaic and still living in the 50’s.  Oh no… Did I just stereotype? Well if Madame Noire can make ignorant assumptions I guess I can too. 

Bishop Eddie Long And The Real Issue We're Up Against

My blog was solely created to discuss my constant fascination with love and relationships, but my heart has been so heavy with the Bishop Eddie Long scandal that I could not help to give my two cents. I am affected by the news in a way that most people are not. When people are either laughing at yet another fallen religious leader or questioning his sexual orientation I see the issue as an opportunity to discuss the unfair assumption of sexuality that we as a society place on black men. You see what Bishop Eddie Long is facing really has nothing to do with his sexuality and the fact that people cannot see the difference breaks my heart.  I believe it constant ignorance and prejudice regarding sexuality and gender that contributes to the devastating continuation of sexual deviance.

On Sunday, after Mr. Long addressed his church, many people over Twitter began to respond with comments about his sexuality. “He’s so gay and he wants no one to know”. Or the opposite sentiment but with the same assumption “ Who cares if Eddie Long is gay. Let’s just get over it”. While one commenter sees sexuality as a secret characteristic worth seeking out, the other comes from a place of acceptance- but both completely ignore the most important issue at hand:

SEXUAL ABUSE IS AN ISSUE OF POWER AND MANIPULATION MORE THAN AN ISSUE OF SEXUAL EXPRESSION

If the issue was solely about Eddie Long being a gay man then what we would be exploring is his secretive relationship with a man, but in fact what is being investigated is Eddie Long using his position as a church leader to influence and manipulate young men into performing sexual acts. What Eddie Long is being accused of is not being gay – he’s being accused of sexual molestation and more importantly violating another human being through manipulation and power. Somehow that is easily being overlooked.

 On Sunday I tweeted “If the allegations are true, Eddie Long is NOT a gay man- he’s a sexual deviant-molester-abuser”. Immediately I began to receive various “thank yous” from gay men who immediately understood my point. But I also received replies innocently asking for an explanation. As one girl asked,” I don’t understand. Can you explain? Isn’t being gay attracted to the same sex?”  My comment was not about making a proclaiming his sexuality. It was about bringing attention to the fact that being a sexual predator is not a diagnosis of sexuality. Eddie Long’s sexuality is not being investigated. Sexual abuse is the issue at hand. Somehow not every one sees or understands that there is an actual difference.

Because the alleged act is between individuals of the same sex, it is somehow pushing the issue of abuse under the table. I find the whole thing bizarre and heartbreaking! In various Internet comment sections discussing the issue, there are multiple comments like this one:  “How could they be abused when they were 16 years old? They knew what they were doing.” Then I have to ask: What happens if you place a 16-year-old girl in the situation? Would people easily oversee the issue of abuse and molestation simply because of her age? Does that mean a 40-year-old woman cannot be fondled without her consent or even manipulated into a sexual act in fear of being fired from her job or threatened with bodily harm? Would we immediately say a woman couldn’t be raped at 16 because she obviously knows what sex is at that age? Because the issue involves men- and especially black men- no one seems to see or even care how these boys could have been victims.

Through this issue I cannot help but feel pain and sorrow for men as a whole. Regardless of sexuality and race, a man’s masculinity is directly correlated to his sexuality in a way that is beyond crippling. A true “man” is a sexual warrior, glorified by the amount of sex he has and his various conquests. A woman has the ability to be sexualized regardless of how she expresses sexuality. Women who are virgins are seen as hot and even sexy and often the least number of sexual partners increases a woman’s value. If a man is not having sex, something is wrong with him. If he is still a virgin, he’s not a “man”. And those that are not expressing themselves sexually often have their sexuality questioned. No wonder why there are so many men with repressed sexuality in the churches, so many sexual crimes against women by men, and so many men afraid of “coming out”.  Crossing both heterosexuality and homosexuality we have made it so hard for a man to simply be… just who he is.

Regardless of the lives altered by whatever happened under Bishop Eddie Long’s parish, I hope that the one possible positive light through this scandal is a dialogue regarding men and sexuality. 1 in 6 men are sexually abused before the age of 16. So many of them keep it a secret and never discuss it because they are in fear of their own masculinity being questioned. The longer we continue to ignore the possibility of men being victimized sexually, the more sexual predators we allow to continue to hurt others. 

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? And other relationship questions from Tyrese

The power of reality TV is amazing. I had never really paid much attention to LaLa or Carmelo Anthony before, but after watching LaLa’s Full Court Wedding I have a newfound appreciation for Ms. Lala. And their son Kiyan? He’s got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen?! Besides their to die for offspring, my favorite moment of the premiere episode on Sunday was when Lala had lunch with her best guy friend, Tyrese. As soon as she sits down, Tyrese goes in hard with the questions. He asks, “You’ve mastered being a girlfriend, are you ready to be a wife?”  He points out that being a girlfriend is different from being a fiancé, which is completely different from being someone’s wife. The question might seem obvious to some but seriously….how many people actually enter a marriage understanding that they are building something different than the last couple years in a relationship?

Things got a little controversial when Tyrese asked why Lala wasn’t hanging out with married women. He went on to say that her single friends were no longer in the same space as she was in and to have a successful marriage she needed to not only hang out with married women but also hang out with women who actually have been married for a while.

Now, as a single woman who is currently going through shifts in my friendships as others settle into relationships, I immediately became defensive. Just because someone is single doesn’t mean his or her values are different A married woman can dismiss monogamy while a single woman can value it. Current relationship status does not correlate to morals or values. How dare he make such a blanket assumption?! But then I remembered the study that came out earlier this year.

Studies show that divorce is contagious within social networks. If you are in a social group of friends where one couple gets divorced, that decision can cause others to do the same. Not only can the divorce affect friends and family of the couple divorcing, but it can also affect relationships two degrees removed. The thought behind the study is marriage is hard. It’s not pretty and if others around you see divorce as an option, you will begin to see it as an option too. My own life played out similar to this study. Two years ago, my two close friends and I all went through major break ups within a two-week span. At the time we all thought it was just a coincidence but could it be possible that breaking up transferred between the three of us like a virus? Ironically (or not) the same happened around my ex boyfriend. After our break up, two of his friends began to go through serious break ups of their own.

So maybe Tyrese isn’t too off. There seems to be some validity in his request for Lala to be around married women.  But I would take it a step further and add that it’s not just marriage status but more about being around like-minded women. Women who value maintaining a strong family foundation. We all know just being married doesn’t mean you got your priorities straight. Especially in LA.

Dr. James Fowler, the doctor that completed the study of divorce, also wrote Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks, a book about how we are all deeply affected by the people around us. Our connection to friends, family, and colleagues goes deeper than just  our relationship status. Who we hang out affects our political views, what we we eat, and even how much we weigh.  Therefore, Tyrese’s argument for Lala to be around women who are in the same stage of life really is good advice for everyone. We need to choose who we associate with wisely. Not on a superficial level but on a spiritual and intellectual level. We should choose our friends by what is important to us and who we want to be at that given time. Through life, morals and values change which only supports why friendships change through out time. Check out the people around you. Are they people that you respect? Are their lives in line with yours? Sure, it’s sad to see friendships come and go but in LaLa’s case, the effect of a wrong friendship is much stronger than it might appear. 

DOUBLE TAKE - Looking at the 40 Year Old Man From A New Perspective

If there is any running theme of my blog it is the fact that I end up admitting I’ve been wrong about a couple things. Maybe it’s just 2010 but I am realizing that a lot of perceptions I have had about men and dating… were not necessarily on point. Doesn’t mean I am always wrong… just means I am growing.

I’ve always said that if you meet a man 40 and over who hasn’t had a serious relationship – stay away. Something is obviously wrong with him. The thought was a man’s options for companionship are greater then a woman’s. Therefore, if a man can get to his 40’s without a failed long-term relationship or even a divorce, he must be tainted. If nobody wants him, why should you? Extremely judgmental, I know but what can I say- it’s not like my theory is based on improbable factors?

Earlier this week, I had a brief conversation with a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. The conversation turned to relationships and the maturity we have gained, as we have gotten older. I mentioned that there is a misconception about men (black men specifically) that they do not want to get into relationships and I don’t believe that is true. I think the reason that men are not pressed to be in relationships like women so often as is simply a numbers game + a whole bunch of deeper issues regarding race and financial stability. Often we overlook the facts that cause such a blanket statement like “men are not interested in settling down”. His point was that he wished he could go back to his 25 year old self and tell him that being worried about the club wouldn’t serve him years later. He wished that he had understood the value of family and relationships much earlier so that it was a priority for him. Building a family could possibly bring much more gratification then the cars, money, and status that he so much hoped for in his 20’s and early 30’s. He is not a father but he is in a relationship. He is a good man in his late 30’s with being 40 just days away.

His comment made me think of a moment I had at my grandmother’s house a couple years ago. I was at her farm in Mississippi, in her house that she was born in. A house that her 10 siblings all had been born in. A structure that quickly became the status of family for us all. Her home has been in my family for over 100 years. It just hit me; family had been the “dream” for her and others of her generation. That was the priority and the driving force of life. When family is an afterthought to career it doesn’t happen with the same level of success. For my friend, building the foundation for a strong relationship did not become important to him until later in his life simply because having money and having success was more important. Plus with the options in surplus when it comes to women, there was never a sense of urgency. He opportunity to have “faux”intimacy was easily available. Therefore his values didn’t change until his late 30’s. He also mentioned he wished he had examples of men around him that valued having a family and strong relationship when he was younger. Seeing someone his age with a lil mini me would have helped him to see the other side.

Then I started to think how could I blame these men for simply chasing what we know as the “American Dream”. Were bombarded by it every single day! Our figures of masculine and ultimate success are Puffy and Jay-Z! Thank you for Barack because now we have something else to counterpart the ideal. As I have experienced in my own relationship sagas, men without true stability in their careers are just unavailable to having a serious relationship that requires sacrifice and attention.

I find myself often chasing the same ideal of “success”. As some of my friends are beginning to panic about their window of chance to have children, I realize I don’t have that same alarm clock. At least right now I don’t right now.  At the age of 31, obsessed with achieving success as a screenwriter, I might have similar ideals to my late 30’s male counterpart then I would like to admit. On this weeks season premiere of Parenthood, Joy Bryant’s character is living in NY dancing for Alvin Ailey while trying to hold together a relationship with Dax Shepard in California. She’s planning a trip to visit him and at the last minute she cancels the trip for a last minute audition. It was heartbreaking as I foresaw the inevitable- the relationship wasn’t going to last but it was so real, her dancing career is something she has been building since she was a child, the last thing she was going to do was blow a chance to do something she has been waiting her whole life for. I understood her.

 All this to say that I can now see how a good man can find himself 40, single, and long list of short lived relationships coloring his dating past. It some ways I might prefer having a man who decided to try it with me then having a list of women he tried to make it work with and failed. We make the stipulations regarding race, age, and finances when it comes to relationships. That’s not made from God and truth is, the majority of what we are worried about and trying so hard to plan life against simply isn’t true unless we believe it.